Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

That's exactly how it feels Green that you're doing your damndest to be an adult about things, but you're dealing with a petulant child in an adults body. Where we depart is that MrSW may differ from yours: MrSW has always behaved like this in the 'real world' too. . Live and learn, I suppose. And pay the lawyers a lot of money to deal with them when you can't...

Or as Izzie put it: at some point you realised you're married to their father, just be grateful they fucked off.

Right, back to the day job...

Green - you have got it exactly right - I was with him from the age of 17 to 41. Whilst I seem to have grown up and have been responsable for choosing primary and secondary schools for our DC, it seems that he has not matured at all and still seems to act like a 17 year old. He sulks like a teenage when he can't get his own way and in fact has acted a lot worse in many things than my 17 DD.

As many others have posted on here, it is a much nicer atmosphere in the house now I only have 2DC instead of 3!!

WWK your post very early Weds morning. Made me cry big time. It makes it real that she offered a reconciliation , we agreed to talk & she has disappeared. I am not ashamed nor embarrassed to say I instantly cried that reading what someone I have never met can say something addressed to me , so encouraging, and true. Fuck I never thought I could cry like I did.

Thanks for the comments . Dog on my lap whilst typing. He looked sad too . He helped by licking tears off laptop. KOKO . I like it now I know what it means .

hobbit you have made me laugh - have you adopted izzie's persona or am I seeing a different side to you :-)
well the father is abusive too - never saw that either until he gave me a right mouthful when i was trying to contact him after DH had gone AWOL and i had to get the police out for him as was concerned he may do something silly - i tell you I wouldnt have put my kids through that for no reason - but now know its all part of the profile.
strong i am seeing that too - the DF is capable of sulking for days.
i have just walked the dog round the field and blubbed all the way. This was brought on by my SHL sending DH's sol a copy of the email i sent him Monday outlining exactly what I feel has gone on for the last 6 months. SHL has seen all my ranty stuff too so she knows I can be a bit sweary & emotional but the fact that she has sent my email without needing to reword it and actually endorses it means so much. To know that I am capable of expressing myself without being ignored, controlled, criticised, or blamed has brought on the tears - I have been on ADs for so long because I thought there was something wrong with me - I know this is not the case now! Ive said it before & I'll say it again my poor MIL!

Paddling my ex never.

Just asked 22 yr old son. He said that playing sport is a way of venting for him. He plays hockey. Quite frankly it sound more like an organised punch up! But he says that if he hasn't been able to play sport for a while, and he gets stressed, then he finds it more difficult to calm down. He explains it that sport seems to get general frustration out of his system.

paddling i cant say whether its normal or not but when I was first asked whether my DH was angry or scary - my first answer was no - because he very rarely is - but then when I thought about it i realised he throws things - things out the window - stuff across the room - would often be toys out the front door and scary - yes probably from my kids point of view when he used to shout and to me sometimes the tone he would adopt!

never directly at people but probably not the best way of dealing with anger!

Sorry drifting it's not my intention to reduce you to tears! But that said, I do think it's healthy to get those tears out in situations like this, because I think bottling stuff up just makes us ill. We're all adults trying to make huge, sensible and responsible decisions under the most difficult of situations so they've got to be made only as and when you have thought things through from as many angles as you can. Take care.

Paddling Mine was a hitter of walls (and apartments/furniture etc) when he was angry. He's insane in my opinion, so ergo: It's not normal! That said, I have been known to kick a wall in a fit of rage. Predictably - it hurt nothing but my foot for days. So, to share the true benefit of my experience: Don't kick walls when angry.

However, I don't hit walls in order to get people to behave themselves around me (I do it very privately to avoid making of fool of myself) so it would depend on whether you think it's trying to intimidate you, or just a 'natural' response. A lot of angry people can very effectively manage their anger, so their behaviour is manipulative/controlled in order to get what they want by aggression. Does that make sense?

it's healthy to get those tears out in situations like this, because I think bottling stuff up just makes us ill

There is only one way for healing to take place, and that is to deal with the whole range of emotions. Go tell my ex that......

Green have you read Lundy Bancroft yet? I was half and half about it, but the way he analyses different human behaviours was really informative and insightful. It is really 'man-centric', which I didn't like, but it did clearly spell out how people manipulate/gain control in an non-legitimate way and how that induces behaviour in yourself, that in time, you feel end up feeling angry and damaged about. Nearly nodded my own head off a times reading it, and I didn't even believe I was in a bad marriage for years...

I'm in quite a nice place at the moment. I think I'm not too fussed about what happens in the future. I'm not too bothered about the marriage ending either. I don't really miss him, his physical presence. That's because of his long work hours over really the whole of our marriage. I'm wondering whether being "friends" is much different from how it was at times.

I have my moments of course. I think I miss him when I'm struggling with things. He is a very caring and kind person by nature. Yes I'm aware of the recent past too, having said that. I do wonder, though, if it's that aspect of him that I miss rather than the rest of it.

I notice that if things are friendly between us, he is quick to repond to my calls etc, is helpful and is chatty. Maybe that's all I need? I don't know, but it sure amuses me when I know he's "at home working" at night and he's having a chat with me, and Batty Woman is in the house. After all she put me and my sons through, anything that messes with her head is good sport.

All this will change of course, if he suddenly comes up with any suggestion of a financial settlement. But having spent far too long worrying about what was going on within my marriage, I'm not going to do the same now I'm out of it. For now, it's about having my space.

Go you Izzie

well i have read Lundy - thats where I found out about the anger and that throwing things can be meant as intimidation - I thought it was normal expression - its my DS that has been on the worst end of all this - he was such an energetic boy with a strong will and it was often his things that were thrown. No wonder i am having troubles with him now -he has been "intimidated" for years.

That banshee thread got me - can see the part ive played in all this - never thought I had a particularly bad marriage either - not sure if I think that now really - just we were never taught how to communicate properly -whether that would have made any difference i dont know - if I had been different would it have lasted anywhere near as long - dont know that either - all i know is DH definitely has a problem communicating with me -thats why im so determined to talk to my kids - I dont want them repeating the same patterns!

Izzie - I had to acknowledge to myself that there were parts of him too that was kind & caring - very hard to do in current circumstances - but otherwise I would have been lying to myself and my kids. and with you on the emotions - you have to feel them all!

Green, I haven't taken up Izzies persona, she has taken up mine!
I was here first! OPs have first dibs, it's MN rules
Glad I made you laugh though, they are certainly a tarnished couple IMO.
Drifting, WWK certainly nails it on a regular basis, if we've felt it , she has experience of it, that why she is so insightful and heartfelt, she knows how we are feeling because she has been through it personally( although not a reconciliation ), I don't think she could bear the thought of that .
Well,done Izzie you sound much calmer and more positive, have a and cream soda from me. How long are you going to wait before you file your petition? HI to everyone else, hope today is a good day for you. Xx

Ah Hobbit

How nice of you to make an appearance. You're too busy gallivanting nowadays to take care of your own thread. disgraceful! I would be very happy taking on your persona even more, I like the idea of being in bed with the ipad. How things change haha

Divorce petition. Strangely enough I was talking to someone about that today. She's happily married, so she's not up on these things. I told her that I can't see any benefit really. As things stand, I'm the wife with all the legal status that confers on me, and of course all the financial perks. I get the point that a nisi is just that, but I'm wondering if I do that, whether that will make him push the financials further. I don't want to post anymore about this on the thread. I will PM you later

You seem to have got it all sorted Izzie. Well done you! You know what is best for your situation, just KOKO babe, for you, x

Emotionally or whatever it also makes no difference as to whether I'm married or divorced. I don't have any strong feelings either way, it's just a piece of paper to me. I would imagine that a divorce in our case would just be a tidying up exercise further down the line, perhaps a rubber stamp after two years separation. Unless of course he wants to remarry

I remember reading on MN that there was a difference with pensions stuff depending on divorce status. I copied and pasted it somewhere. That's the sort of thing that would push me one way or the other. And I would hope that if things were amicable between us, he would cooperate with whatever status was best for me, if it didn't make any difference to him. We are both committed to a civilised settlement. It will be interesting to see how that pans out knowing who is in the background. She hates me more than I hate her. Cos I is the wife with da kids. And I will always be da first wife. And the only mother of his kids

This freak, I have never even clapped eyes on her. It's weird knowing that someone who has dominated my life and my marriage for so long is just a faceless being.

Midsomer Murder is on TV now. Oh and beautiful Harvey, the man for me! I digress. I could never watch those things because of his stupid hours and our stupid times of eating etc. Now I can eat early and really settle down to watch such things. Not tonight though, gotta pick up son no 2 from work later. If anyone is watching it, do you think the one involved in the crime, Mrs Gray, looks like Carole Middleton??

Harvey, I love you baby

Sooo predictable, I was going to post this.

This is what we need ladies. Never mind swapping the husband for him , I reckon I would trade in the kids

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmzgkMsf_GQ

Izzie you could book a session with a solicitor just to make sure you're not missing anything or putting yourself at risk. Apologies if you have already done this and I've missed it. I think the pension thing is to do with being entitled to a widows pension if you are still married but anyway when you get divorced pensions are taken into account. The only other thing that comes to mind is that if he didn't agree to divorce after two years you would have to wait five years and there may be a time limit where unreasonable behaviour is too far in the past. My STBXH is so secretive and dishonest that I feel it's a huge risk to be financially tied to him.

Paddling punching walls is definitely not normal it is intimidating and frightening, it makes you walk on eggshells for fear on them doing it again especially if it's a regular occurrence or part of a pattern of abusive behaviour. I can thoroughly recommend Lundy Bancroft. Having been in an abusive relationship i found myself reading about my ex on nearly every page. It was as if Lundy had been in the room with us. He is realistic about the chance or I should say lack of chance of them changing which I found helpful too. Lundy makes the interesting point that when they lose their tempers and smash things up they never seem to damage something special to themselves it will often be something special to you and they never clear up the mess they make.