Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

morning Izzie - i luvs the way you say it like it is - think we would all be in better places if people learnt how to communicate - just had a funny thought - perhaps those that do go on JK are better off than we are - there may be lots of colourful language but at least they are together trying to sort things out- even if it is on tv :-) thats more than I can say about myself and DH! wonder if they get paid, maybe cheaper than sols
missing my yoga class this morning so doing my spreadshitty work - do you like my new word there

must spend less time on here today if I can - good day to all

(and have got over my meh today and hoovered up the dog hairs - next job floor wardrobe - do we all have one of these )

Oh, I need to get out of bed and off MN, lots to do, bedroom still a shithole, bedding still not on, ironing pile reaching skyscraper proportions, but my hands are welded to the iPad, I'm such a lazy caahhhh.....

Going to the gym now, then shopping, then going to the cinema with my sons and having some food, them maybe, just maybe I'll tidy up :)

You are a lazy cah. Proud of you. I have been working for a couple of hours already. The boss says I can have a break for ten minutes and a coffee. In my lunch hour, I intend to the do the washing up.

The best intentions of intentions, go unintended. [Motto of the day].

What a fabulous motto, I shall live my life by it from now on,
Carry on working, ( was that a film? Ooh err, Matron!
Luffs ya!

Green I certainly do tell it as it is. Which is why he views some of my texts as vile. There's no "you're a cheating shitbag", it's all no holds barred total unvarnished truth put in a very direct way. And why not? A few loads texts is hardly payback for what I went through both before and after he left.

I would be only too pleased for any of them to be read out in court, if pushed. I could justify every single one of them, I think.

I want to join the lazy caah club tonight. I've overdone things this week. I can't believe how knackered I still am.

Spreadshits I think Green should get this put in the MN dictionary.

If I have a meh moment at work, does it count towards our targets this week? I've had plenty, I've been doing the bare minimum since I returned to work after he left. Actually, I've been doing les than what I would consider to be the bare minimum. Surely that's a pass?

I think I've completed this week's challenges. The last one being to do something I've never done before. So today at work, I downloaded a song. Never done that at work before because normally I'm conscientious. But today I thought sod it, I've had this song in my head for a while now, so time to buy it. And I sat and watched it on youtube too. Now that's a good thing.

Marvin Gaye, possibly the best male vocalist ever

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xz-UvQYAmbg

The problem you got Izzie is that it all gets viewed very dimly (Jesus, just being in the courtroom means you get treated very dimly no matter how bright we might think we are!)...so you don't want to be getting into the court system...best you swerve that experience.

Anyway, here's a giggle for you. I have fuckwittery via 'junk mail' as apparently he's sent a decree to an agent I'm using, decreeing some shit and it's sat in their 'junk' folder for a few days. Apt, I thought. Anyway, they've asked me for my opinion on what to do and I've said rename the folder: Fuck You Idiot, which was instructive of me. So that's my 'meh' moment for this week (I hope!).

Green I love spreadshits! I have been Wank Processing today with my shiny new laptop and using my interesting art installation. I have written just over 5,000 words, which I'm rather proud of so that's my 'thrive' moment. IT Skills - I have remembered how to do the shortcut to get the word count in a hurry. I dealt with floor wardrobe (great word) yesterday, but still have laundry mountain to contemplate climbing.

I hope everyone else is doing okay - but if you're not, you're not, and that's okay. Had my 'sad hour', and that finished about twenty minutes ago, so that's him dealt with for today. I am going out tonight so I'm cooking some haute cuisine now: Home made Egg fried rice with fried lettuce. Yum.

Sorted out floordrobe, put bedding back on, walked dog, did some ironing,
Halo shining brightly, :)

Went to see 'Kingsman' with my sons, enjoyed it, and then had a chippy tea, delish!

Gonna watch Broadchurch and the Baftas now, hope everyone is well, I'm ok, had the paperwork from the court detailing the decree nisi, gave me a hollow feeling for a while, seeing it in black and white, that it's over between us, but it hasn't affected me too badly yet, but there's always tomorrow !

WWK We are both very keen to agree a settlement without court action. It certainly wouldn't be a smart financial move on his part to take it to court, even ignoring legal costs. Also, he is hooked up with Litigation Bitch who ran up legal fees of 50k in her divorce, so he's very wary. I don't think anything will be agreed sometime soon. The most that will happen will be maybe allocating each of us our own spending money, rather than just running everything through the joint account. I think now he's made his car purchase, though, it won't be a pressing issue. As far as I can gather, he has no plans for his settlement money. Therefore, he will be content to leave things as they are for the time being, with his money still intact in property, as per pre separation. His main concern seemed to be that I wanted some security and answers. I've now told him I'm not bothered about that at the moment, and am happy to leave things as they are for now. Which I think saves both of us from having to make decisions we are not ready to make. I digress now. But yes, point taken.

Hobbit not an easy time! and I feel for you. There is so much to process emotionally. In your own time, though. Enjoy Broadchurch, I'm way behind with it. I may have early night tonight. Feeling a bit flat at the moment. All that talk about financial shit. That's for another day. I'm living in the moment now, and intend to stay there until I am physically better

Hi everyone , looks like we're all having some good days and bad -ish days and some middle days. No news on the reconciliation front clearly she has thought better of it and is not so drunk for the last week.

I had a major shit day on Monday , got better by afternoon , by the time afternoon walkies with dog ( terrier ) came around sun shining felt much better . I know her reconciliation proposal f*ed me up really , I was brave but she got me - WWK has posted somewhere else that I let her in & she took advantage - yes she did but you know I feel much better about it so that next time if she isn't at the doorstep bawling I will not be talking to her. Mind the neighbours may lynch her if she did turn up anyway before I answered the door. Funny how little things catch me out, she took a small ornament we bought on a weekend away together , is she going to build a new life with our old pieces ? I find that odd / strange ?

Today has been better , walking , dog walk , then a walk to the park with a neighbour and her children , helping with the 4 year old shiny bicycle which ended up carrying for her ( I am a nice guy you lot ) .

In it together . Thinking of you all . Keep strong and if you wobble, don't worry because we all do . xxx.

hi drifting

just want to say no idea what you do for a living - but you should branch out & teach men (and some women) how to connect with themselves and communicate!

I can deal with the marriage being over for whatever reason its the complete block on communication since then that is the destroyer!

I have far more respect for you than I do the person I was married to for 20 years! -sad really for him - perhaps ill show my kids that there are some men that are not scared shitless of admitting their feelings!

you will get there - have every faith in that x

Hi Drifting I don't underestimate how difficult emotionally it must have been re the proposed reconciliation. You can't switch off your feelings all of the time. If you had just said no originally, who knows how you would be feeling now. Anger etc is good for getting us through this but we still have to face the other feelings.

I've hit a low tonight. The lack of energy is now frustrating me. It's one thing feeling lethargic, but when the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, it's just a pain in the arse. Actually, it's more than frustration, I'm finding it a bit depressing. I rarely feel depressed, thankfully that was mainly confined to the odd dose of PMT. I'm also having a few minor health issues tonight, so to add to it all, I can't even get comfy. Something to do with sciatica causing problems in my legs, I've never bothered going to the doctor about it, can't see the point. So I would be best getting off my arse and sleeping it all off. Urgh

Green I don't know what I do for a living but it pays the bills . Just turn up & every month collect ! I am starting to accept I may have been led a merry dance on the reconciliation . I think she is testing the water and I was caught .

So - I also have lost a lot of respect for that person . I didn't cheat on her , abuse her, belittle her, I am starting to realise she is the problem , I need to deal with that and get rid of her .

I have been very lucky in RL - excellent friends ( my best friend is female , she is happily married ) . I think that if I can freeze out ExW & ignore her and get over the stages of divorce I will feel better. I do know I bounce back quite well , I do know that I am far from the end of my journey.

This made me laugh today - went for coffee with mentioned friend and walked into my ex-sister in law , my brother left her .

She was very nice , pleased to see me , we have so much in common now & we did laugh ! So we agreed to meet for a coffee some time and catch up, so that was nice , so many people gone through the whole shit saga .

We will all get there , later probably than sooner. xx.

To add to your last sentence Drifting, in a way I'm quite happy as things are. I have more time and control over things now he is not here; there is an end to the tension; things are reasonable between us, and he's being fairly helpful with things. In fact, if he was with someone else, it would be even better. I'm more than happy to stay in this limbo. How many women do I know who have said "if I could keep the house, I didn't have to take on any more paid work, and he buggered off, I'd be quite happy". Erm, yes I also said that!

Hey drifting, good to see you again. I'm not surprised you thought long and hard about reconciliation, even tentatively embraced it. I think we all ponder what would happen if we got the chance, especially in the early months. No shame there. It's not for me to tell you what to do.

So don't feel bad about thinking long and hard about it - there is, after all, a child to think about as well. It's a very tough decision, but it's always easier to make the decision for your best reasons long term rather than out of some sense of duty/quick fix short term in my humble opinion.

Glad you're getting out and about. One day at a time, irrespective of whether the sun shines or not. KOKO.

Izzie sounds like a good plan to me. No need to take quick action unless you've married an embezzler...

Hobbit hope you had a lovely evening. Take care.

Nice to see WhyMe around the place.

Green you snared yourself a dodgy one, I reckon. I don't think good men are such a rarity any more - but I'm also hanging around with more men than I have for years so I can spot the "red flags" (as they say) from 50 paces.

A quick hello to Family, Strong, Paddling and Tabby too. And anyone else who has been recently been left, and left bereft, don't be shy if you want to join in. We do have a great deal of empathy and sympathy as well as good natured humour.

Missed Iwas in my 'hello'. Hello Iwas.

Hi *Drifting, well done for getting out and about, I feel it helps me to plan lots of things and go out with friends and family, it stops me dwelling on what was my life, and now what is my future life. I think you are the only one of us that has had the offer of a reconciliation, you know what is the best thing to do going forward, we will support whatever decision you make.

WWK, you are doing fantastically well with your writing, keep up the good work. I am glad the installation is proving useful and not just making a style statement.
It's strange that you are picking up on "red flags" when you are in male company, I am doing exactly the same thing. I tend to find myself examining their behaviour, whether it be friends husbands or just men out and about.

Who is a narcissist, who is controlling, who needs to be the centre of attention, etc, I think I wouldn't have recognised these traits if I hadn't been on MN, I would have just thought they were being arses!
But now my "spidey senses" are alerted whenever I see these behaviours being exhibited (I'm like a Welsh David Attenborough! )
This will stand me in good stead, when and if,

Hi all,

good posts from everyone all seem slighty improved mood -
drifting you sound in a good place - does sound like you have lots of good RL support slightly but its my own fault for putting too much faith in one person!
izzie just take some time out to catch up with yourself - your body is telling you to take it easy for a bit - listen to it.
hobbit your day sounds fab and I need to adopt your approach of having lots to do - my weekdays are fine - its the weekends when kids are with DH i need to sort -these were always family time - but my first "dance" event of the year came through last night so gave me a "whoop whoop" moment - i luvs to dance!
well yep - you got that right! and spreadshits are my new hobby - learning lots of fancy skills - never knew they could be so much fun - bit like you izzie when you learnt how to post pics :-) - just want to keep doing it!
hope you others are doing fine too - but dont be put off if you are not! don't think that we are all getting on top of things cos I can tell you that can change in a split second - at the moment i think im in the quiet before the storm!
KOKOxx

family ive been thinking of you - just wondered if you are doing any better?
I have been doing some more navel -gazing and the more i think about it the more I get what my SHL has been saying to me that this is not "personal" - at first i couldn't think how on earth can this not be personal but I am starting to get it.
we people on here are real grown ups who are able to express empathy, understand behaviour that is extremely hurtful and despite all that has happened to us are trying to be fair & reasonable because this is how real grown ups think & behave. Sadly our twunts are not yet (if ever) real grown ups. Their emotional development was halted at some point during their childhood and although sometimes they appear to be real grown ups really they are still children - children are inherently selfish - they do things always to please themselves - if they dont get their way initially they will use cheating, lying, shouting I hate you, tantrum etc any tactic they can to try & get the advantage - mums are tired we give in sometimes but unless we take control and show them that this sort of behaviour is not the best way to be friends & get on with people they carry on. we all know this as mums! yet are twunts are doing the same - it is a game to them (my DH even said it was a game during mediation and i shouted at him this is not a game- but to him it is) with a winner and a loser. We are the losers because we are the people that "made" them do what they did and they fell off their "perfection pedestal" and therefore they have to be the winners. They will not admit it was their choice- because then they know they are not perfect! We all know kids will instinctively "cheat" during games if it is in their nature to win. our Twunts are doing the same - the more we read that they more or less behave in exactly the same way the more you can see they are playing "The twunts game" - so all the im a better parent - i left you etc is the same as a child shouting "mummy i hate you" hurts like hell until you get it its the child not able to express his frustration - same with twunts! and the stakes will increase until they realise or are made to realise that it was their action, their choice and when you are a RL grown up you have to face the consequences of the decisions you made. You can't hide the sweets under the bed and say you haven't got any when your mouth is stuffed full of them!

our anger at being disrespected would be the same at whoever we felt was doing this to us -it is not exclusive to our twunts - but most RL grown ups do not show this level of disrespect to other people - that's why we don't come across it very often and then think it must be personal. its not - its their character flaw! They don't behave like this in the real world because deep down they know it is wrong and so they hide it or control it - but behind closed doors- different story!

you lurkers out there - im sure there are many of you - if you can be brave - share your story this helps everyone realise it is not us but them and the sooner we get this the sooner we can try and detach and move on.

my last comment

came across something of DH's recently that made me laugh - saying how he liked new & shiny things - yep knew this applied to "stuff" - never thought it would apply to people too
but once the new & shininess wears off sometimes all you're left with is cheap tat whereas the old with a bit of "love and attention" could have gone on for years!

back to spreadshits

Yep! Not new and shiny for long, false metal soon tarnishes, and turns your skin green, Green, < fuck me I'm so sharp I'll cut myself > green, green, tee Hee ! Let's hope he gets knobrot, and she gets flaprot, while you are polished to a beautiful shine and put on display on the top shelf of life:)

You being gold, all along, obviously, [flowers}

Oh! Done a Zebra! Fucking IT fuckwittery !