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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Still finding it hard to move on......

972 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 28/01/2015 20:05

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

OP posts:
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WellWhoKnew · 09/02/2015 21:07

Evening all

I've bounced out of my melancholy...and he's not been in contact over the weekend, and not heard from Solicitor today, so hopefully I can 'chill' for a few days, or at least until working hours tomorrow - unless fuckwittery decides that start telling me how I'm harassing him again later. And I've done the washing up. And I've cooked. Baby steps but there you go, all reasons to be cheerful.

Well done Izzie I'm impressed. I have no idea how you photoshop but there are some lovely sheep who 'baa' at me every morning in the adjacent field. I shall miss them when I move.

Keep going Paddling!

iwashappy · 09/02/2015 21:13

Strong pleased to hear that your ex's actions are causing you less distress. You sound like you are making progress. Dealing with his affairs as they were, especially with the child, must have been very hard. Definitely onwards and upwards for you now. I had all that nonsense too about how all the other women were him just "messing about" and he would never have left me.

Hello Zebra sorry to hear you have been in the same boat as us. You seem like you are managing okay, you are doing really well. I think it is inevitable that you will never be quite the same person after something like this happens, I know I'm not. Thank you and take care.

Izzie I got the impression from those bloody texts that mr iwas is into most things! I'd rather not join in on the sharing Sid evening thanks!

WWK What was AF-gate about? nosey I haven't heard about that. Where does the troll thinking come from?!! mystified

Mrs C the OW in your case sounds utterly vile, I am so sorry. You were in the way!!! Sounds like they are well suited.

iwashappy · 09/02/2015 21:28

Izzie yes double ouch for your ex with your other son tackling him too. They certainly know who is in the wrong.

Paddling yes it is sad when you realise the father is not the role model that he should be and though he was You will be a very successful BS - we all will be.

Green pleased you feel that you are getting a better understanding of what happened in your marriage even if it is quite difficult. There is a hell of a lot of soul searching and questioning that goes on when something like this happens. I don't really think I will ever understand if I am honest. I have had a look at the thread you mention, thank you. On a very base level I think my husband just liked chasing women and thought he could get away with it because I was naïve and actually trusted him. On the surface our marriage was good, he just couldn't keep it in his pants.

TabbyTortie · 09/02/2015 21:30

Flowers Brew Cake

New IT skill. Tick.

Not sure why I couldn't get it to work before maybe I was putting spaces.

To everyone on this thread Flowers Brew and Cake

Paddling the craft is going well thank you, a little bit each day and by the weekend I will have some lovey new objet d'art for my little house.

iwashappy · 09/02/2015 21:34

Tabby well done but your forgot the Wine !!

familyofthree2014 · 09/02/2015 21:37

Hi everyone. Going through another low so haven't really kept up to date on the thread. Feel rubbish posting without responding to anyone else but I'd like you all to know I think of you lots and hope everyone is doing ok, all things considered.

He continues to be vile and it's wearing me down. He criticised my parenting and implied he was a better parent than me. I know I know, his opinion means nothing but it still hurts. Got the 'I left you, I never left them' again. I don't know how he can possibly say that. He makes me feel like I'm going mad because I can't work him out. I spend so much time thinking about him and the mess he has made of his life. It's hard to see someone you loved so much as an angry stranger. I don't know how to switch off from it.

TabbyTortie · 09/02/2015 21:40

Whoops the most important Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine that should be enough for you lot for this evening.

greenberet · 09/02/2015 21:43

hello all - not really sure what is happening but just had an exchange of emails with my sol- she has had 2 phonecalls from DHs sol today - im guessing he hasnt liked our chat today!

TabbyTortie · 09/02/2015 21:49

Oh family sorry to hear you are feeling low today. Mine has been vile on and off for three years now. You will gradually detach but it is very stressful. I think the soul searching and trying to make sense of it all is perfectly normal. Trouble is none of it makes sense does it even to them in the rare moments when they realise what they have thrown away.

greenberet · 09/02/2015 21:55

hi family you sound really down about it all - you do know hes talking rubbish dont you! - i need to read your back story but I can tell you I have been to my GP on more a handful of occassions asking him if I am going mad -fortunately he had been treating my DH too so knew exactly what our situation was and has told me that I was dealing with someone extremely unreasonable. before this every time i felt this way i upped my ads thinking it was me - I have been on Ads most of my marriage I know realise due to DHs behaviour. I can identify with everything you have said - be kind to yourself this is not you - i had a very down day yesterday after reading the screeming banshee thread - it made me realise how i had allowed the pattern to continue - today I came back fighting - i will find out the repercussions of this tomorrow. Noone has stood up to DH before - i can see the dynamics between his parents - he has a very good professional reputation therefore none of this can be him!

dont worry about reading thread - just post when you need support - i do this fairly frequently - but this is my record of what is going on and how it makes me feel so one day i can look back & think -christ did I really go through all that and come out the other side - you will toox

Hobbitwife001 · 09/02/2015 22:04

Family, how can he be a better parent than you? He knows that saying this would wound you the most, because of your caring nature, he has put his own selfish needs ahead of any care or concern for his children.
It is just another way of manipulating the situation to put him in a better light, of course he has left them, but he knows they will be safe and secure in your safe hands.
He is an evil, deceitful tosser, who doesn't deserve to draw breath, how dare he critisize you. I'm so angry at these men who use their own children as a weapon to hurt the person that they purported to love, the mother of their children, whose only 'crime' was to get in the way of them having an affair/affairs. Sorry for the rant, I've had a gin or two tonight, always do to get over the excitement of W.I.
He is a complete and utter cunt.

OP posts:
familyofthree2014 · 09/02/2015 22:04

We basically don't speak so I have no clue what he thinks about it all. I doubt he even knows as he has told so many lies about so many things. I thought we'd be able to co-parent but as he is a stranger now, that was very naive of me. He isn't the man I married / father to the kids I knew because if he was, this wouldn't have happened. My whole life with him was a lie. He was pretending to be someone he knew I would love.

Tabby I'm sorry you're still going through it. I hope detaching becomes easier. It's hard when you're on your own with such an uncertain future.

familyofthree2014 · 09/02/2015 22:13

My children are very young and without going into too much detail he has only recently started having them for longer periods of time. When he has them everything is perfect; they are constantly hugging him and are settled by him. Apparently I wasn't mentioned once. But when they came home they were distraught. I have never seen them like it. Luckily I had a witness but I doubt there's anything I can do. He doesn't see any of that. Everything is perfect in his world.

WellWhoKnew · 09/02/2015 22:19

Family it's really hard, it really is. You mope away for as long as it takes, and feel free to post whatever it is that's on your mind, and what's bothering and upsetting you. Don't apologise for that - 'tis all we do, when we are not running around insulting each other!

In the interim, try your damndest to be kind to yourself. I don't know how you stop yourself trying to reason the unreasonable, I know it's mucked with my headspace for a long time, but I do know I feel a lot better when I don't.

And in my view, for what it's worth: The better parent is the parent who stayed.

Izzie595 · 09/02/2015 22:21

Having had a good day and been industrious tonight, I'm having an Izzietini but stewing about that fucking bitch. She is everything I despise in a woman, bloody scheming victim playing mentally unstable port in a fucking storm bitch. How many times have I said to him get yourself a decent woman and all of us will welcome her. Fuck me, I would welcome Rose West rather than her. Well, love, next time he pisses off because he's had enough of your depressive nonsense, do us all a favour and go hang yourself.

I might have some respect for you if you didn't hide behind your phone all the time telling lies to the authorities, making anonymous calls etc. Fuck only knows why my husband can't see you for what you are, but now he is with you, it won't take him long before he does.

It is now your turn to be looking over your shoulder. He knows that he will never be properly reconciled with his kids whilst you are around. Do you really think you compare in any way to them? You certainly don't compare to me, and you know it. You know what they say about the first wife, don't you?

He also knows that you will NEVER be invited to ANY family occasion. He will attend his sons' weddings without you. You will never meet his grandchildren. And you know it's because of what you did, not because you were the mistress.

Someone who leaves a marriage of 30 years will think nothing of moving on from you. There are plenty of women out there, every single one of them better than you.

I know him better than you, and I can assure you he does not get his sexual kicks from playing doctors and mental patients. Nor mountain climbing. For. As long as I've known him, he has found fat women unattractive.

He went to you because he didn't want to move in with his dad. You are a stop gap.

You didn't win him because of you. You got him because you destroyed our marriage. Not the same thing. However, you now no longer have any power over me. You can't play any more games. That email reminder, I've spoken to him about all of that. We are getting on just fine. And that worries you doesn't it? Except, both you and I know that he tells you nothing. You only know about the car because it was at your house. You know nothing. You thought you had twisted the knife there. Wrong! You no longer have the ability to make me the third part of the relationship, the bad one to bind him to you.

I have plenty of texts which show what he thinks of you. He feels responsible for your mental instability. Except you have always been like that, haven't you? And now you "have" him, the poor little mistress me living with the uncertainty won't work, will it?

Whoever is responsible for getting you out of his life, both me and our sons will welcome with open arms. Anybody is a million times better than you.

I and our sons wish every ill on you for the rest of your miserable life, you sick bitch. As does everyone who has lived with me throughout the years. They all say you are vile. And they are right.

He didn't even want to spend Christmas Day with you, did he?

I know why he's with you. He's given me enough clues along the way. It's not about you.

Your relationship, if you can call it that, has had it's best. It's now just a case of how long before he packs his bags and moves on. Won't take him long, of course. Most of his stuff is still here. You can only wonder why

Izzie595 · 09/02/2015 22:21

I feel better for that!

greenberet · 09/02/2015 22:21

family we dont communicate either nothin g has ever been explained to me why he made his decision - shame & guilt plays a big aprt i feel In Dh not wanting to talk but he also ignore emails too - all very frustraing. I would keep a record of how your kids seem when they cone m=back for him jst to see if it settkles down.

Izzie595 · 09/02/2015 22:23

Whatever happens, as long as she is gone, that's good enough for me

Izzie595 · 09/02/2015 22:24

The usual disclaimer that he is not blameless.

Izzie595 · 09/02/2015 22:40

Still ranting. The thing about izzietinis is there's not enough fucking alcohol! Time to have more wine, get pissed and smash the glass.....

Well just a bit pissed to sleep but not smash the glass, as I like it

Izzie595 · 09/02/2015 22:43

Does anyone drink lager? I find that used to be a happy drink. Whenever I was pissed off, a glass of that would make me happy. I think wine just makes me pissed. Ah well, needs must. Mood brightening . Week off next week too....

Izzie595 · 09/02/2015 22:47

Yuk, wine too strong for me. I'm a lightweight nowadays.

So, this week's challenge, next task.

One good thing about me: i am not and never will be politically correct

Izzie595 · 09/02/2015 22:51

Family whoever said just post, it doesn't matter that you don't reply to others or whatever they said......agreed. What you post in your own situation is beneficial for someone else anyway. Whether it's realising that they are not alone or whether it's food for thought, it does help.

Izzie595 · 09/02/2015 23:56

Just one more message to Unstable Mabel: sometime after he had left, I suggested that maybe he should move back in to the marital home and I move out and rent somewhere whilst I got my head together. And his reply: no, we can't afford for you to rent a place.

Izzie595 · 10/02/2015 07:16

Morning all

Got up early and have been very industrious before work. Feeling good.

Gradually working towards what the kids say, which is that Nutty Nora is nothing, and to not even acknowledge her existence. My rant on the thread last night has helped me. I've read it a few times since. I should book mark it when I need some therapy in that respect.

Off to work shortly, catch up later

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