Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

Hello Hobbit. Yes it was difficult, but our table was in a booth so we couldn't see them properly at their table so at least I didn't have to see them together as such apart from when they left. He apparently didn't see us until he went up to go to the toilet and he came over and said hello! He asked my son if he was going to see him before he went back. My son said no, not like that and that now he had said hello he could go back to his table which he did. My daughter ignored him (they'd had words before).

The other two were a similar age to OW and I didn't recognise them. Picking the same day to do that as they knew he wanted them to meet OW wasn't a clever idea on his part. I guess he thinks it might happen if he forces the issue, it won't.

Pleased you are fine. I'm okay actually, surprisingly.

Mid Life Crisis, Tabby.

Ages on here, some mid 40s, some 50s, one nearly 60.

As for the rest of your post, you are sounding so positive. It's good to see some of the posters actually being able to countdown till it's finally all over and you can get on with the rest of your new, better life.

Iwas, I love your son! Reminds me of my eldest, he's not afraid to deal with him. And your DD, bless her, it was always going to be more difficult for her, but she's doing fine, she's proving she is not a young lady to be messed about.

Ooh that was more than an own goal for dickhead, that was total humiliation

Yahahahahahahahahah

Iwas, he was on a table with people all young enough to be his children. Have you never seen that sort of thing before, people watching? It looks ridiculous.

Morning Tabby pleased you have managed to have two nights good sleep, it must be such a relief that it went well for you the other day. Least he is being "nice" for the moment. The horrible divorce process is nearly over for you, it is great that you sound so positive.

I am definitely the wrong side of 40! My husband cheated on me throughout our marriage with a string of women but it didn't come out until after I ended our marriage. I was totally oblivious although a lot of posters on here suggested to me that he had cheated before because of his behaviour towards me. No change in behaviour, lied very convincingly etc. I remember saying quite indignantly that he wasn't a womaniser the first time someone suggested that. More fool me.

I got told that he could "talk" to the OW and it was "exciting" with her. Sad bastards aren't they?

I love him too Izzie! I feel less vulnerable when he is here, he's actually with my husband at the moment. Not for a catch up but to try and talk some sense into him. He's livid that his dad was going to ask his sister about meeting OW. I wouldn't want to mess with my daughter neither! I'm quite calm most of the time, she certainly isn't. She says it as she sees it. She takes after her dad which I used to be pleased about.

Yes I've seen that before Izzie and it does look ridiculous. He looked like a father out with his daughter. OW probably looks 30s cow and my husband looks his age.

Sad bastards aren't they?

I do have a little laugh when you swear, iwas You naughty lady!

iwas I think our greatest allies in all of this are our adult sons. They square up to them, man to man, as it were. However hard we women try to do that, however we put it, it can be dismissed as female histrionics...is that the right word?

I reckon there can't be anything worse for dickhead, and others like him, to be savaged by their own sons. And you know that the sons will wipe the floor with them.

I think that Dickhead will be licking his wounds for some time. Your wonderful son will certainly redress that imbalance that was caused by dickhead talking to you about playing happy families with DD and OW. We couldn't have written it better ourselves.

Morning Paddling. I've only skimmed the thread from last night and haven't caught up properly yet but the help and support on here is great and we can all empathise to what each other is going through.

Yes it was a shock, we hardly went out the last few years when we were still together and he said he hadn't gone out with OW yet as they were keeping a low profile so he was probably the last person I expected to see. I dealt with it okay outwardly but it did put a bit of a damper on my evening too though. I think he would actually have to have something called sensitivity for it to have ruined his evening!

I do swear sometimes Izzie!! Quite a lot when my husband is being a dickhead so most of the time

I read on a thread on this site somewhere where it was referred to a father and adult son being like "rutting stags" and I think that is quite a good analogy. The two of them were a bit like that anyway sometimes and certainly have been since. I think you are totally right that men seem to think another man's opinion is more valid, they think it's just some emotional woman going on at them the rest of the time.

I would think it is hard for a man to be told some home truths from his son especially if he knows that every word is true. He should have thought of that before he wrecked his family.

Much as I like him telling my husband some home truths I would rather he hurried up so I could spend some time with him before he goes back this afternoon!!

Yes, I like this thread, and precisely because there are so many different people posting their own story. Sometimes there are things that we don't want to post ourselves, although perhaps they are things that should be explored. Other people posting about those things allows us to vicariously examine those aspects.

I have to say, though, occasionally I have had to look back when an occasional poster posts, so I'm not confused with whose back story is whose!

To return to the son thing, iwas, the one who has tackled my ex this time has been the one who he does not clash with. That is double ouch!

Think of your son as doing a little diy at the moment. It's a pain that it takes you away from him, but the long term benefits are worthwhile!

I was reading some websites last night about recovering. One said that many 'BS,' (betrayed spouse) don't ever recover or trust again, but spend their life trapped waiting for the errant H to return.

Not on MN they don't!

As you said I the rest of your post.

I wonder if anyone has written the script for the twunts post divorce? I know how it goes, but not seen it written down

Got my ex coming round shortly to collect some docs for car. House looks shit. I don't at a distance. That's ok then!

Izzie The Script for Twunts post divorce?

It was all her fault.
It was definitely all her fault.
It was, without doubt, all her fault.
It was completely all her fault.
It was totally all her fault.
It was her fault because she did not 'understand' me.

(amend as necessary for Drifting's wife).

*Paddling: I ain't hanging around for that bastard to return. I wake up everything thinking 'just fuck off'...I don't think he will even after the final hearing...

However, should I ever set eyes on him again, I may reconsider my values as a peaceable non-violent human being...

just dumping some thoughts down after reading the "banshee" thread yesterday.
its actually dawned on me that although DH has been gone for 6 months nothing of any significance has actually changed - not for me anyway- I am still dealing with the majority of the day to day stuff as far as kids & house are concerned - had to take on some of the bill paying etc but nothing particularly major. DH is "allowing" me to have more or less the house keeping money that I used to have - all the extras such as going out, holidays etc were decided by him but paid for out of joint money - this is still happening but it is all with OW - he isnt making any extra available for me to do anything else.

that thread has made me realise that I have played a carer/manager role in our marriage - when I have been passive or compliant whether that was by taking ADs or because I couldn't be bothered or because I accepted things everything was supposedly ok - when i tried to get DH to face up to what I felt were his responsibilities over time this is what led to him buggering off - it starts with what he thinks is constant nagging, and ends up with him blaming me for everything that wasnt right and deciding there is no future in us. somebody else appreciates what he does - they dont yet see all the things he doesnt do - no wonder "I have heard myself saying I have been carrying you for years" -"i have 3 kids - two genuine & DH"

even now when I am still trying to get him to face up to his responsibility of sorting out the financials - his way of dealing with it is to throw the harrassment thing at me.

None of this is to do with "love" or "lack of love" its to do with him thinking that I am controlling him because I have consistently tried to get him to take responsibility - whether that be cutting the grass once a month or supporting his kids - nothing more than that! But because he cant see it or refuses to see it I am being punished - it will not make any difference if I decide to communicate with him just once a week - he will then respond every two weeks, if I decide to do nothing that will suit him just fine because he can then fully indulge in his "fantasy life" that is free of any adult responsibility and no "nagging" from the wife to get things sorted. If I seem like I am on top of things and making headway to sort out what he is failing to do he can use harrassment orders to quieten me and this is even better because this supports his view that what he is doing is completely ok & reasonable.

I now understand the detachment and the "no contact" advice but its a bit more than that - its understanding how my own behaviour fuels the situation but however I chose to behave will cause problems because he just wants to run away and not deal with any of it - sadly I have had to tell my kids that the only way DH is going to sort things out is when a judge is saying "Mr Green" this is your responsibility.

Any of you ladies struggling with your own emotions izzie /iwas- I suggest you read the thread - its hard going and ive book marked some of the links - the hardest part for me is I can see exactly how our relationship fell apart - both of us responsible but neither of us knew any better and by the time I started to realise it was too late - the only thing I can do now is make sure my kids stand a better chance!

and just to make something clear here I am not letting him off the hook but maybe understanding my part will give me the detachment I am looking for - will get me off this emotional rollercoaster and allow me to find something "normal" again-

and just to add today i feel "free" - the house feels "free" -the kids seem "free" im playing music like i always have - this is the feeling i want to last!

and the song playing now is this - what i want to know is how do these people get to write lyrics that talk so much sense but you dont realise til afterwards

"even now when I am still trying to get him to face up to his responsibility of sorting out the financials - his way of dealing with it is to throw the harassment thing at me."

This! This! You get it. Whatever you do, you are damned.

Don't beg them to come home when they walk out
= you've 'hurt' their feelings.

Write (or instruct your solicitor to write) anything at all pertaining to divorce
= you're harassing them

Try to get them to negotiate/disclose
= you're bullying them

Take them to court to force them to co-operate
= judges smell vagina and become nonsensical.

both of us responsible but neither of us knew any better and by the time I started to realise it was too late -

Thank you for the post and the song Green. And for ruining my makeup

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIfywv_o5p4

So moving swiftly on from that......

Dedicated to WWK, our mum.

This is you

www.youtube.com/watch?v=pO40TcKa_5U