Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

S'mae bawb,

Dwi'n edrych ar Rygbi at y teledu heddiw ond dwi wedi ddim golchi'r llestri - wrth gwrs!

Had a lovely evening with Dr. Friend. She is very impressed with my installation - it has vastly improved the spare room. I was going to start my new job last week, and in fact, nearly did so but fuckwittery intervened, so I was more of a part-time flake! Dr. Friend and I pondered my uncertain future, but it's nice to make plans and start to look forward a bit more positively. I also cooked a lovely meal - well I liked it. At some point we also agreed to 'co-parent' a dog...not sure how that's going to work, but I'm rather thrilled with the idea!

I am in a reasonable mood today. I think this is partly because England won at rugby yesterday and also SHL's letter is brilliant. It's taken a weight off my mind although it's a bit unfortunate for the finances when the professionals fall out.

"Just wish shit didn't happen to good people" Agreed. It is also the 'shit happenings' that brings out the best in people. I think all this that we're enduring, is what's going to bring us back to reality, is that we were decent people to begin with, and they can't take that away from us. They try mighty hard, though, don't they?

Hobbit tell him to FOTTFSOFAWHGTFOSM. You have bestie to discuss Finances with, and you're not "just a pretty little head". He just merely needs to give you all the info. Arse.

Tabby Hope you're spending the day in a happy/relieved/comatosed place.

Green and Family Things sound really tough at the mo. KOKO. Hope things improve for you Font too. Izzie you, in the nicest possible way, are a complete delinquent who succeeds in making me laugh all the time! Iwas I like your little act of rebellion re your dog. Marvellous. Drifting your Saturday sounds very pleasant. Hope WhyMe, Strong and Storm are getting on okay.

Hope you're feeling better?

Drifting, you sound like my ideal man. I'll marry you :-) Oi Mrs C, bugger off back to your own thread!

Diid odhe hedsnrf idnef odys kesb agogo

Fontella 60 million men in England? Are you making some comment'''s about English women?? ....

I need a cream soda. Getting buried amongst the papers here. Son no 2 just said do I want to spend 10 mins tidying up with him whilst he's cooking HIS lunch. He got the same reply as Mrs C.

Catch up later in Hobbit's Bar. There's always a welcome in the hillside......

my husband would be aghast if I called him English

Not half as aghast as us ENGLISH would be to find out he was!

I think we're all falling a little in love with drifting

Man has morals - tick
Man has dog - tick
Man goes to pub - tick
Man has feelings - tick, tick, tick.

What more does a lass need?

What more does a lass need?

Cash : tick, just
A chef : tick, needs practice

Shall we all do the Pick Me Dance round our handbags tonight?

Hi Drifting Darling, this is what WWK looks like....

And this is me with a hangover....

.....and this is Hobbit lounging around

Why on earth did I teach Izzie how to do pictures?

all these things to do instead of housework and washing.....

Foreign languages, IT skills......it's like the Open University.

Oh iwas, just remembered, I think that prog Take Me Out is on tonight. No likey, no lighty. May as well go to Hobbit's then.....

AHEM! My thread, my rules, ladies, form an orderly queue BEHIND the OP
Driftingit is your choice dahlink, but be aware I just might throw you off onto MRSCs thread if you don't play nice:)
< jumps up and down waving >
It's very nice here in Hobbitland, and our dogs could be besties as well, how can you refuse?

Sorry , paddlingduck cross posted, that must seem very insensitive, just having a giggle , I think we all need one some days.

I think we all need to recognise this about our stbxs;

1. They have no compassion or empathy whatsoever.
2. They will never admit any blame for their actions.
3. There is nothing we could have done to prevent what they did.
4. It will always be our 'fault'.
5. No forensic analysis of their behaviour will explain or excuse it.
6. They are complete cunts.

Accept these facts, paddling, my love, and run with them, everyone reacts or recovers in different ways, at different times, don't expect too much of yourself, it is a traumatic experience. It could take months, it could take years, until we feel we are back to some form of normality.

We have a lot of humour on this thread because that is our coping mechanism when we are dealing with the shit they throw our way, otherwise what do you do ? You cant cry 24/7, well actually you can in the early days, but we have to get stronger, this is not the end of everything, it is the beginning of something, a different something yes, but no less valid, or life affirming.

You will get through this, we ALL will, lots of love to you and your children, keep posting or reading, it really does help.

I only found this forum in December, now I feel I know some of these people so well, we tell each other things we wouldn't tell another soul, because we know they will understand, and won't judge us.
.

FFSIZzie , you know WWK is blonde, otherwise you got it spot on, and I an NOT that HAIRY

Sorry Hobbit. And I don't smoke cigarettes out of a holder. I can stop smoking anytime, if it gets me somewhere....

Paddling, me too, I'm just thinking of a reply

Paddling
To answer your points:

1. That speaks volumes about him, and none about you
2. It will come in time. But to reach that blissful state of indifference, you have to fully experience all the other stages, eg grief, anger etc.
3. His opinion is worthless, he's been EA and sapped your confidence. Recognise that, be proud of all your achievements along the way
4. Hard work though yours are at their age, presumably young, you will have a new improved unit, a tighter bond, and freedom from all the EA and how that affects the children. Give it time to adjust, especially if they are young. It's easier for me and Hobbit because our sons are adults. I believe Hobbit is in free net with this. And you haven't failed. He failed you and his kids. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being separated/single/divorced, there is no stigma attached.

And I agree about Fontella. She will put you straight

In agreement, not free net....

To elaborate on what Hobbit said about this thread...the other good thing about it is that it follows numerous posters going through the process. So you get a better idea of the pattern of things. There also seems to be a bit of everything, someone is up, someone is down. Which, let's face it, is how it is for all of us.

Paddling - welcome. Occasionally Hobbit speaks sense (true it's rare, and she needs constant encouragement to make modest improvements, but we are a patient lot 'round these parts).

Her 1 - 6 there needs to be printed out and stuck on your fridge to read everyday until you believe it.

Can I make some amendments to your goals?

a) Accept that I care about me and I will always do so. I will always be compassionate to myself and my children.

b) He is careless and uncaring. Not much I can do about that. Nor do I need to bother any more.

c) Stand up for me. Re-assure myself, and surround myself, with people who like and value me. Accept that I'm not perfect, but I'm mighty bloody find regardless. My wants, hopes, wishes and fears are just as valid as the next person's.

d) My DC's and I are a family. I didn't fail them - I was the parent who stayed.

One of the things we all pre-occupy ourselves is with 'why' and because, we all put ourselves last, or second, we forget we've got feelings too, and not only that, they aren't bloody unreasonable. The other thing is that we constantly compare ourselves to others (e.g. their life - free of the responsibility of the daily grind that is parenting, having more than we do etc). These comparisons are always going to make us feel worse, not better, I'm afraid. I think acceptance comes when you stop using the other 'side' as a measure of your success and start measuring yourself against your own strengths and weaknesses, if that makes sense.

Goodness me, such vitreol towards the newcomer . I wasn't was trying to steal Drifting, I was just saying he seems like my kind of man!!

Paddling, your story sounds very very much like mine. Please take comfort in that fact that it is NOT you, it is NOT your fault, these are flawed individuals cunts who are full of self righteous indignation that you have not just said "OK, see you later, yes of course we can be friends". I recall my STBXH telling me that he hoped "we'd be best friends in due course, like we had become"..WTF?? Don't know what marriage he was talking about, but I would have said we were husband and wife, not the "brother and sister" claptrap he was trying to use to justify going off and shagging anything in a skirt with a usable orifice.

I am 16 months down the line, still hurt a lot, had a bad week this week. We all seem to have had a bad week this week weirdly. I always find new moon week to be a positive one for me. Just not this one. Off to find wine.

paddlingsorry you are joining us - but these are a good gang and talk a lot of sense ( most of the time) - I do sometimes but am feeling wrung out today - probably hasnt helped reading the PA screaming banshee thread and realising that I have probably been doing a carer/manager role for most of my marriage! but it also makes sense of a lot of things.
at least the tv has been sorted - just so much unnecessary fuckwittery - I want a normal life - so tired of this!
izzie you have just made me laugh out loud - so much so that my DD wanted to know what I was laughing at
and I cant believe you lot are fighting over drifting - good for ego but poor man (has he got any friends he can bring to the party)

im watching film with DD tonight so will catch up tomorrowx