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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still finding it hard to move on......

972 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 28/01/2015 20:05

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 05/02/2015 22:40

Hello, Iwas, I can only speak from personal experience here, and I think he is moving far too quickly in trying to introduce the OW to your daughter.
Why would she want to meet the person who had contributed to the breakdown of her parents marriage? He is just trying to minimise his behaviour, in trying to normalise a very abnormal situation. It is still far too raw for her and for you to deal with, how dare he?
My sons will have nothing to do with my ex's OW, will never be sociable, why would they be? She pretended to be a friend, and targeted their father and slept with him, all the while still keeping up the pretence. My ex knows to never ask to introduce her to them, he realises the reaction they would give her. Their relationship is only in its early days, it may not last, why put his daughter through this,he is certainly not thinking of her best interests, only his, as usual his narcissism comes to the fore.

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 22:43

He still wants you to want him iwas. He never chose her, we all know that. He's trying to control things. You've read enough of MN to know they all want to control things after they leave. I wouldn't have believed it of my ex.

Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 22:46

Agree with Hobbit. Same re me and my sons. At least mine and Hobbit's exes realise that and are not pushing for such a ridiculous thing. He's bloody outrageous!!

Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 22:50

It's not uncommon for adult children to permanently reject the OW or OM.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 05/02/2015 22:52

AND, she's been 'supportive!' Fuck me! Iwas, why arent you raging at this man? How can you stay so calm? I'm seething with anger on your behalf!
Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and then fuck off some more!
I've got steam coming out of every orifice!
He is just unbelievable, crass and insensitive, I want to smash his Parker-like face in! I'd better calm down now before I have a stroke,

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 22:53

He knows what DD thinks, he is using this to get at you. God, I'm on a rant with this scheming pile of shite

Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 22:54

Yeah, exactly Hobbit. And hello!

Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 22:57

Do we also sense that OW is being placed in the role of victim? Just wants to be everyone's friend. Well she can fuck off too. She may be young enough to be his daughter, but no father would be proud of that cheap hole. I would have more respect for her if she charged for it

Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 22:58

Correction, I may have SOME respect for her if she charged for it

I have zero respect for her as it stands

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 05/02/2015 22:58

Hey Drifting, well well, that's a turn up for the books isn't it? I certainly didn't expect that outcome, how do you feel? Are you ok? What does your son think? I know, it's like the Spanish Inquisition, but I must admit I am very curious to hear what you think about it all.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 05/02/2015 22:58

Agreed Hobbit it's galling, isn't it, that level of insensitivity. I see it as having an ulterior motive myself, but I'm a cynic these days. Hope you're not feeling too upset Iwas and you recover from his crass self quickly.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 05/02/2015 23:05

Pass me an Izzietini, I think I need one:)
These idiots never cease to amaze me, there should be a special circle of hell reserved for them all. Not that I believe in all that gubbins, but will make an exception in their case.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 05/02/2015 23:09

I personally think drifting you are doing the right thing proceeding - it's not like they can object anyway to your divorce petition. I like your attitude that she made her choices regarding the vows, so I'm afraid you get to decide what's best for both of you going forward.

drifting2015 · 05/02/2015 23:10

Hobbit - total surprise but even son said yep as he thought testing the water. Thats what I thought too. Caught me off guard. Still proceeding though. Said all the right things actions say all different things. I offered her the chance and she has not given me enough evidence to suggest she is serious. Bang . Sol now filing as she hasnt objected. So onwards to divorce. I didnt cheat , lie, deceive, break my vows, squeaky clean & that is why I am going full steam ahead ... I have a very good idea of what is right & wrong , wrong is cheating , she was very very jealous , I talk to anyone, but never cheated how ironic. So hope to get it moved on now quickly.

She had the chance and blows it , maybe she was serious but I think from my MN experience they all do the same, probably she will try again soon , I will see it through though, I can't be taken as a fucking mug, because I have nothing to regret she is regretting plenty already & I hope it hurts when she thinks about it, which clearly she is now. Too late maybe. Sorry to use the F word but it shows I am serious. Besides soemone said earlier fuck off to the far side of fuck so I only used it once.

WellWhoKnew · 05/02/2015 23:16

You can swear here drifting we're all adults! And divorce and swearing go together like a horse and carriage in my book.

You've been badly disrespected I think when someone has an affair so it's very hard to just go 'meh' about it.

familyofthree2014 · 05/02/2015 23:21

When I didn't think he could sink much lower, he does. I just can't get my head around his behaviour and how he seemingingly thinks it's acceptable. Every other person in my life can't understand it so I'm pretty certain I'm not going mad but I still question myself a lot. It's that whole thing again about not being able to comprehend how someone can behave in a certain way because it is so abhorrent to you.

Anyway. I'm not reckoning on much sleep tonight.

Hobbit how are you feeling? I hope you had a few brighter moments today than yesterday and the day before that?

WWK did the emails stop at 17? I hope so.

Drifting hello, hope you're feeling ok after the shock news. I have no advice really but agree it shouldn't be a rushed decision. You need plenty of time to think. I would try to make the decision when you're at your happiest and avoid thinking about it when you're low if at all possible.

iwas I wrote a long reply to your thread and then promptly lost it! I was saying that I get the impression he enjoys talking to you about the OW which I find repulsive. It's like he gets off on it. Poor him for being caught between his DD and the OW. I absolutely agree that co-parenting is important but I think discussing that is crossing the line. You need to try and take back some control - talk to your DD about it if and when YOU feel ready and not before. It certainly doesn't need to involve him. He can have his own conversations with her that in the same way don't need to involve you. Hobbit is absolutely right - he is trying to normalise an abnormal situation as I think they all do in a way to cope. He really does seem vile and as I say I get an overwhelming feeling that he loves the drama and wants to see your reaction. It would be awesome if you could just detach but I know that is difficult in your circumstances.

Izzie sorry to hear about the car situation being so difficult. I really hope you can find someone to help (preferably not the ex).

iwashappy · 05/02/2015 23:27

Izzie, Hobbit (hello), WWK yes I think it is far too quick and insensitive to even be thinking about it yet even if he genuinely is serious about her rather than trying to upset me with more manipulation. I think he wants everything to just settle back down, albeit it differently, as soon as possible and for it all to be civil so he doesn't have to feel bad about what he has done to me and our children. Unfortunately for him it doesn't work like that. Hobbit and Izzie I am pleased that your exes at least recognise that being friendly with OW is not on the agenda.

He likes being in charge, for things to go the way he wants them to. Yes isn't OW being wonderful being "supportive". Why the hell would I want to know that? Hobbit I think I was incredulous at him today rather than angry. He know DD hates OW, he knows it upsets me that he is with OW yet he still thinks it was appropriate to say what he did. I wish he would fuck off to the far side of fuck and take OW with him. Will have to set you two on him!

Interesting thought about OW Izzie. With waving at me and then attempting to smooth things over with me at the shop she does come across a bit as thinking that it might be possible for us to be a bit friendly again!!! I think she is on the same planet as my husband. I think she wants me to say that I forgive her or something. Zero respect sounds spot on.

WWK I think quite a few people agree with you that he's got an ulterior motive. Thank you I am not too bad, I was imagining all sorts last night that he was going to move back in with OW so it's possibly not as bad as I thought it was going to be. He's still a insensitive shit though.

Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 23:27

Izzietinis all round tonight, I think Wine

There are a few explosions going on across the country tonight.

WellWhoKnew · 05/02/2015 23:40

Family, sort of. It stopped at 18 if you include the letter received this afternoon from his solicitor saying I they are taking me to court for contempt, and from now on I must not obey the court order, and that I must pay the costs of Mr SW's legal expenses in bringing this action against me.

It's all gone shockingly serious...

  1. I didn't swear
  2. I didn't break the court order
  3. He made it impossible for me to comply with the court order
  4. I made a decision that was reasonable and justifiable
  5. I did actually discuss my decision with SHL
  6. She and I agreed the email I sent that kicked off email No. 18.
  7. I have a vagina so I'm always to blame and always in the fucking wrong.
Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 05/02/2015 23:43

Drifting, I'm very impressed with how you are dealing with this, your OH is the first on this thread to show any sign of remorse or regret at their decision to have an affair. Do you think she is serious about a reconciliation ?
You seem steadfast in continuing your petition, that shows how far you have come, the realisation that there is a happier future for you must be life affirming. Does she really think she could come back and you would welcome her with open arms after the hurt she has caused? Would you consider it? Take care, xx

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 05/02/2015 23:43

I really want to add to this conversation about OW's and children...have awful problems with this myself except my son is not quite 4 and can't really say what he wants. I would also like to comment on Drifting's post...however, I feel like utter shit tonight (as in actually unwell) and have been ordered to bed by WWK so I am going to do that. Hope to rejoin tomorrow eve with wine in hand. Could probably do with some advice about my situation actually. Night all :-)

WellWhoKnew · 05/02/2015 23:46

No booze here Sad but tomorrow night is Friday and Dr. Friend is coming...

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 05/02/2015 23:50

WTF, WWK, what is he playing at now?
More mind games? Hope you are ok,

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 23:52

Mrs C, I think Hobbit, Drifting and I would agree that we are lucky that we have adult kids, so we don't have to suffer the indignity and all other emotions on OW playing happy families. The OW in your life is absolutely vile. We have something in common!

Hope you feel a bit better tomorrow. I have put some more cream soda in the fridge, so you have to be there tomorrow!

Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 23:54

Yes WWK, this is just surreal. And I'm thinking of you

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