Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

Good luck with the FDR, Tabby, Apparently I'm back in court in the next few weeks for being a naughty WWK! We'll see. So my restful few weeks between hearings have proved to be anything but!

Hope you're feeling okay today Hobbit and the panic attacks hold off. A brown paper bag was the old fashioned method wasn't it? Sadly, I don't have any brown paper bags in my home to send you and I worry that a Tesco's one has cheap additives that will kill me/you (never read the Daily Fail - it makes you assume everything is out to kill you). That is my sensible advice for the day.

Hope you had a good day at work Izzie. Also hope Family and Green are bearing up as well as can be expected all things considered. And anyone else in divorce hell for that matter.

Came home to a text from The Lord and Master. Amongst other things, he is refusing to hand over key to second home until he has a spare. The roofer needs a key. Clearly he would get it back once roofer been. Lord Twat hasn't been up there since August, so he doesn't need one. More bloody control. I've risen above it. Will sort myself. I didn't bother replying.

He really is getting more and more petty and spiteful and controlling. I refuse to engage in this anymore. I sent a three word reply to one question of relevance. I am now in control of this. It is for him to chase about the key if he wants to. Otherwise he can just wonder what is happening. He is angling to come round to collect a spare key from me. He can angle all he likes, it won't be happening.

I'm actually looking forward to getting all the financials settled so I can move onwards and upwards. I'm certainly not looking forward to the actual process. But I'm happy living with just me and the kids. I say just.....actually it's a much better way of life for all three of us. We like our way of life. I realise that I can do all the things he used to do, I just need to tweak certain things to accommodate my ability or lack of in certain areas. Quite frankly, my eldest son has assumed the role of male head of house. He's much better company, he cares about me, and is emotionally intelligent. Three qualities all lacking in the man who now lives in my ex husband's body

WWK you naughty woman!

Tabby wishing you well for the upcoming. They are vile with their behaviour afterwards, aren't they? Although it seems your ex hasn't had to totally change personality to do so

Hobbit thinking of you. We are all here for you. Please make use of us to get it out of your system.

Green will PM.

iwas will check out your thread to see what was so important....apart from the sound of his voice of course!

everyone else there's an awful lot of financial stuff going on. I can only imagine how stressful this must be, my time has yet to come, but I feel it's imminent. I have my fingers vpcrossed for all of you. None of you should have to endure all this trouble on top of everything else.

Secret Squirrel hope things are getting sorted and that you're ok. You sounded like you were heading in the right direction last time you posted

hello ladies - my head managed to stay in a good place until about an hr ago - i have been doing lots of spreadsheety things and guess what found out my lying cheating twunt arranged to move out 2 weeks before he told us - not a spur of the moment thing as he told me & the kids whilst we were on holiday but a planned move - no wonder he was so accommodating about us going away for a week - the only person that lies this much is a COWARD!

Yeah, I know Green mine planned to move out for months, but just failed to mention any of it to me. He even had me looking for things he wanted to get sorted out, and like a muppet I used to hunt high and low for things...still no idea he was planning on running away.

But in court he begged for a divorce but I refused, apparently. I don't know who he begged but it sure wasn't me.

But in discovering that, not only do you realise they are cowards, but also how untrustworthy they are, so that helps. Also, remember this when you're spending all your time trying to figure him out: all those months he was planning to leave, he would have been nasty pieces of work to you, which would have destroyed your self-confidence, left you very confused and hurt, and then he will make out your bitter.

There really is nothing wrong with you Green - you're the parent who stayed, who coped and who overcomes. He's a coward. You're a hero. KOKO.

I too wonder if he had already planned to leave. He seemed to start an argument over nothing that day. He didn't take anything with him except some work stuff, but I still wonder. All I do know is that once he went AWOL for 6 days, he arranged during that time at least to move in with her. We had no contact from him whatsoever during that time.

thank you well - actually I think Im done trying to figure him out - i know what he is - the kids know what he is & he knows it too - I don't need to read anymore books to tell me - all the hurt and anger is for my kids - I cant imagine what they must be going through - I have always been able to rely on my DF -any waiver has been down to me - even now I can still count on him- a child should never have to question their parents- and what makes it worse is he knows what it is like to have an emotionally unreliable selfish parent. There is an irony to all this though something that I wont disclose on here but saddened me 13 years ago but actually now could be seen as a blessing - if he still needs to read my thoughts to gain the upper hand he will know what this is - I would have liked to retain some respect for him sadly I have none. I am KOKO about time for a song

Evening. Been very quiet as things are not going as expected . I keep up to date all the time with your journeys , mine has become somewhat diverted with a completely unexpected turn of events , the other party being startled by the speed of my actions I think you can all perhaps read that correctly ?

Cue a series of emails calls discussing reconciliation ! Didn't expect it, don't know if I want it ? Promises made , quickly broken too . Very quickly.

Seems to me that once they cheat , they cannot stop themselves lying IME - goodness only just on the divorce rollercoaster & already feel like a veteran ! At present I just don't see how we could reconcile I don't think I ever want to go back to that lowest level I had late last year. And that worries me already that this could be the old " see how the land lies " email , you know is the door still open ? I don't think it is now, too many painful memories already to think about having that thrust on me again .

Solicitor has said we can just proceed anyway as they didn't object so I think I need to let it run its course . I think I would be mad to halt now. Lots of alleged remorse , sorry, didn't think this would happen ! Well if you had kept to your vows and legs closed it wouldn't have ( ladies sorry, its the same version of dick in your trousers you know ) !

Oh fuck my stress levels are rising. He still has me over a barrel with the car thing. I've seen a couple of possibilities for me. Asked what he wanted me to trade in now. Comes back to me with a woolly answer of course. Then when I say quite reasonably, I can't do anything because etc etc....then I get oh stop looking for negatives!! Fucking cheek! Oh well, he's offered to help with the car purchase, and I do need someone to do it for m, so I will forgo my principles to get the thing sorted.

I was worried about trying to buy a car myself, so put it out if my mind, just ignored the issue. And now he's offered to help, I feel all helpless. And all the stupid worries about whether I can cope are surfacing. I will be eventually negotiating a financial settlement, and the one person who would have guided me through it the most thoroughly will be on the opposing side. I'm really scared. I don't know whether it's the money stuff, fronting him in whatever form for the financials or whether it's just the whole unpleasantness of it all. Why the fuck are any of us on this thread today? It's just so inconceivable, unreal. I'm just emotional now. I might have known that my state of blissful limbo wouldn't last.

I will be ok in ten mins or so. Posting this anyway. To prove that eventually I got through all this. As we all will.

Drifting some people are adamant that they can never recover their relationship after an affair. Others will want to try. Some succeed, some fail. Others think they can never recover their relationship after an affair, but through counselling, gradually rebuild their relationship. All I'm saying is, I would advise you to carefully consider every option. Which I'm sure you will. And I'm sure you will have read plenty around the subject either way. I would say that you have the emotional intelligence to unravel the past and repair the marriage. I can't speak for the ex of course. I'm not offering an opinion either way on the general issue of should you, shouldn't you. All I would say is that you strike me as being a very good catch for someone, and that you won't have to compromise on what you want. Keep us posted, by PM if necessary.

drifting - sounds like you are going through a tough time but you will work out what you need to do - keep listening to those cds - all the same it cant be easy - i think we all have moments when we think what if - i have - gave so many chances but wasnt meant to be. Solicitors advice is good - give yourself a bit of time to adjust - its all mucking about with the emotions but they will settle down for a bit & you will know which way you need to go.

izzie - you don't need him - this is what you said up thread
"I realise that I can do all the things he used to do, I just need to tweak certain things to accommodate my ability or lack of in certain areas."
how many things have you done - loads I bet - this is just a bit more daunting- "mans area" - infact are there any lady car salespeople - could be a career option - must be plenty of ladies that have to do this - ill be one at some point but DH will have me in an old banger - not in a car showroom! can your DS go with you - or a friend - if you can do this on your own the sense of achievement will be massive - its a personal challenge you know -another step to the new you! - it is scary - we all get scared but that gives us the oomph to say yes I can do this! and as for the financials - beat him at his own game! (ill hold your hand if you hold mine!)

Green you can hold my hand anytime

I had talked myself through the car thing recently. Decided to get RAC looked over and test driven for me. I know it's bloody ridiculous considering all the other stuff I've done. I was sort of determined that he would never get in my car, my very own car chosen by me. But on the other hand, I could just give it a thorough clean and disinfect! And I sort of justified it by thinking that I would run the car into the ground anyway so it would last for at least ten years. So I saw it as a one off thing I would have to do. Whereas lots of the other stuff is of a repeating nature eg decorating. My brother could go with me, but the other I feel less bothered about dragging round if necessary. I think he sees it as something to be ticked off on the financials list, so that's why he will help me. I'm going to be chicken licken here. I will justify it by saying that it may be good to keep him onside for a bit. I don't want him to rule out various financial possibilities, so don't want to totally alienate him. Oh ok, I'm a woos! But as a bonus, it will mightily piss off the manipulative bitch. She will still be wondering if he will leave her less than des res and her even less des self. So it's time to mess with her mind. The fact that I mightily pissed him off last week, and now he's helping me again will give her something to think about.

Ok total failure independent woman. I'll go and have a wine, I think.

I'll join you with a glass of wine Izzie!

The talk "concerning our daughter" turned out to be that he would like daughter to meet OW and he thought it "best" to discuss it with me first before he mentions it to our daughter.

He's "serious" about OW who has been "very supportive" and sees a long term future with her so would like our daughter to meet her as they are both "important" to him.

Devastated, upset, angry, confused, don't know what to do for the best.

Iwas how utterly undiplomatic of him, it feels way too soon for me. No wonder you're devastated. It sounds a bit childish to ask, but do you think he could be "trying to make you want him?" (since you have rejected him in a way) by behaving in this manner?

iwas I don't actually believe a word of what he's said. He didn't want his marriage to end. That was obvious. He is serious about the OW only in the sense that at his age, and a man at that, he doesn't want to be by himself. She is very supportive of what exactly? Supportive of the fact that she has a bit of trousers that she may be able to call her own, until he shags the next one? He knows full well DD hate her, so he knows EXACTLY what her reaction will be.

It's all bullshit.and yes, as WWK says, he's trying to make you want him. I still reckon that if you told him you would have him back, he would be round like a shot.

What would I do? Tell him that from what you see of DD, it doesn't appear that there will be any acceptance for a while, but that is only YOUR opinion......in other words, you are being gracious but pushing it back onto him. He will score a massive own goal with DD here. Let him

I would text him, I certainly wouldn't talk to him about it. That way you can choose your words very carefully, and he can read and read and read them.....

Basically, you're saying I think it's too soon for her, but feel free to think differently. Saying it in a calm, non spiteful or judgmental way. So there is no emotion coming from you. In other words, "I ain't bovvered!"

He didn't ask me to talk to our daughter on his behalf to try and smooth the way for him. He just wanted me to be aware that he was going to mention it to her. He did ask my thoughts on the best way to handle it with our daughter and if going out with the dog together etc was a good idea.

It was just my thoughts that it might be an idea to talk to my daughter first so that she is aware of her dad's thinking and she can be a bit more prepared for it. I haven't discussed that thought with him.

I said I would get back to him with my thoughts on how best to approach the subject with our daughter that would be least upsetting for her. It is possible I may tell him I think it is too soon, I don't know how I should handle this.

You are giving your permission for him to broach the subject with DD. Handing him the loaded gun

Let's face it, he will do what he wants anyway, so don't feel guilty on behalf of DD

how best to approach the subject with our daughter that would be least upsetting for her.

Says it all, really. DD isn't interested. Its not something he can impose on her, she's too old for all of that

What a bloody liberty though! Even if he really doesn't realise the depth of DD's feelings on that subject

Sorry was wrong thread on last post.

WWK I think it's too soon as well, DD has made her feelings on OW perfectly clear and her relationship with her Dad is still a hell of a long way from where it was before. I did wonder if his moving in with OW was a last gasp attempt at making me jealous and trying to get me back but I don't really think it's like that now. I think it's possible he's subconsciously punishing me for kicking him out. I just don't know what goes on in his head these days.

Izzie he seems quite I don't know chirpy I suppose when he can be quite negative a lot of the time so I don't know if it's an act or if he is happy with her. Maybe it's just the buzz of something new after all that time with me. I know it's not really new but the situation is. I think she's been "supportive" over him having such a difficult last few months, poor lamb it's not like it's self inflicted or anything.

I know it could backfire on him asking DD to meet OW I couldn't care less about that but it will probably upset our daughter and I don't want him to hurt her even more. He certainly does want he wants anyway doesn't he.

In that case iwas, do as someone suggested on the other thread and speak to DD about your chat with him

I hope that didn't come across as blunt iwas, it wasn't meant like that. I'm doing something else right now so that's why it was a short response