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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still finding it hard to move on......

972 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 28/01/2015 20:05

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
20
greenberet · 04/02/2015 22:09

izzie she is already - thats what hurts me the most - we had to battle through 2 years of IVF to get our kids and he still does this to them - thats what im fighting for my kids and my mental health! And I AM BACK!

greenberet · 04/02/2015 22:10

& on that note I am off to bed - hope you ladies are not up all night - hobbit - hope you've gone to bed already x

familyofthree2014 · 04/02/2015 22:18

Hi everyone. Been quiet as have had a stressful week. Wont go in to details but I've done everything I can for my kids and I guess that's all I can do.

Had an interesting reaction to STBXH. I accidentally made eye contact as thought it was someone else and I just looked away. There was no feeling at all; no love (obvs) or anger or anything really. Just 'meh' so I am hoping this is progress! I kept noticing he was looking at me but alas I did not give him the satisfaction. He seemed like nothing more than a stranger to me. Very odd but encouraging all the same. He continues to behave like an utter fool so it all helps me move on to bigger and better things.

Green you seem a bit chipper and it's great to see, even if it's only FITYMI (fake it til you make it). Catchy no?! Your last post was a gooden - we are dealing with all the pain now and will be free of it sometime in the hopefully not too distant future. Where does that leave them though? I am certain 'mine' has convinced himself he did nothing wrong. He has never apologised or tried to make things easier for me or the children so no apparent remorse. Surely this will catch up with them one day? I want indifference but I also want justice.

Anyway hope you're all ok and having better weeks overall.

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 22:18

Green, you go girl! And remember, they may think they have it all their own way now. But the tables will turn.

iwashappy · 04/02/2015 22:22

Green so pleased your head is in a much better place. You are doing really well. Thank you for your support. Take care and sleep well x

familyofthree2014 · 04/02/2015 22:23

My last post must have seemed incredibly insensitive!! I completely missed the last page of the thread. Ignore me! Will catch up in the morning as need some sleep.

Hope tomorrow is a better day.

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 22:44

Family your reaction to ex is exactly what we want to hear. Proof that indifference really does happen in the end. As for your second paragraph, ie the one to Green, so true, and yes, I've never had an apology. He is sorry that it didn't work out. But no mention of his part in it, ie his affair. The rest, which I'm not dwelling on at this time of night, well he's the hero!

Right, I'm off to bed shortly, all. WWK are you giving woodoovoodoo a bath before he makes his grand entrance?? I think I would like a doll too. Also a punchbag .

Hope all of you get some decent sleep tonight

WellWhoKnew · 04/02/2015 22:45

Family Please don't apologise. We are all in divorce hell. As such it will always be that we are all at odds: some of us will have an 'okay day', at the same time some of us will have a far from okay day. Hobbit was the first to grasp this point and welcome us no matter where we were coming from.

Hobbit: you've created a place which can inspire others, because you stood up and said 'hell I'm finding this hard', but then also demonstrated your utterly brilliant self as a welcoming, warm, hilarious woman - all by yourself. I know today is a tough day - but you're still mighty fine as a person. KOKO.

iwashappy · 04/02/2015 22:45

Font sorry you had such a horrid day yesterday, hope you are feeling less wobbly than this morning and that you are okay. I am sorry I wasn't about last night, actually went to bed reasonably early as couldn't stay awake, but pleased that you had good support from Hobbit - she's lovely.

Please don't ever feel ashamed for the way you felt yesterday. Yes we might be having a shit time too but you have an awful lot to deal with as well and you have been absolutely brilliant. I hope your mum has settled in okay. Look after yourself too. Take care xx

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 22:49

14!!

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/02/2015 22:55

At least one of those 14 is from me WWK. He is a twat. A panicking twat at that....! I love this thread, when I can drag myself away from my own, I will join in a bit more!

WellWhoKnew · 04/02/2015 23:02

Yep, MrsC - you're quite right about that. The only one. Am replying now.

WWK xxx.

iwashappy · 04/02/2015 23:12

Hobbit sorry you have been low today, not surprising with the nisi. Very emotional and not what you envisaged when you got married. It all seems to be an emotional rollercoaster that we are on, coming to terms with the end of a marriage whereas they don't seem to give a shit and it doesn't seem to be such a big deal for them. One day he won't have the power to hurt you any more.

Have all the woe you me you like. Your thread, your rules! I hope your ex comes to his senses re supporting your son. Thank you for your support. Have a good sleep, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for you. x

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 04/02/2015 23:14

Helloooo, still up, been to see my bestie, and she's given me a clip round the ear! , (and some kalms) thank you for all your kind words and advice winging its way to me through t'interweb, it's much appreciated. I must admit it's been a shit couple of days for me, I hope tomorrow will be better but I can't promise anything, maybe it'll be a shit couple of weeks for me who knows in this lovely land of divorce limbo I find myself inhabiting, ( as we all are at the moment).

Oh, WWK, you are the loveliest of ladies, even if my dog hates you, she hates everyone actually, apart from me, I'm the one who feeds her.
Green, your fighting spirit is coming to the fore, rip him a new one girl, he deserves it!
Izzie, thank you for introducing the 'Izzietini', white wine and cream soda, for those days when nothing else will fit the bill, (or that's all that's left to drink)
See you tomoz everyone else, xx

OP posts:
familyofthree2014 · 04/02/2015 23:30

Tried to sleep but it's not happening.

14?!?!?! Does he have nothing better to do? I am pleased you are filing them away without reading. Please don't be tempted in the middle of the night - lock your phone away or something. He will do anything to provoke a reaction from you and as you know you mustn't oblige. Once I wrote back about some outrageous accusation and it provoked a relentless attack which although I can laugh about now - some of the quotes come out at family occasions and I swear will go down in history - at the time it near destroyed me. Don't engage and take your own brilliant advice about keeping it business like. If I feel like I want to vent I write what I'd like to say and send it to a friend or family member so it's 'out there.' Remember nothing you say will cause him to have a lightbulb moment and realise he is being an idiot. I don't know whether they ever will realise, I think probably not. But that's their lookout because they are living a lie.

Hobbit I'm sorry you've had a hard couple of days. The nisi is imminent for me too and although it's good to be making progress it's obviously very sad. WWK is so right about missing the marriage, not the man. I miss having company and someone to share my children with but I don't miss him. Maybe in time I will have that again but I am certain that it will never be with him and you are too. It's a loss, it's ok to grieve. Be open to what the future could hold without being married to someone capable of such appalling behaviour. He was dragging you down and you don't want to be associated with someone like that. It is better to be divorced and on your own than married to someone you detest.

iwashappy · 04/02/2015 23:34

WWK sorry it's kicked off on the email front - again. It only takes one (or 14) emails or texts to ruin your bloody evening doesn't it. It's like they can get at you any time, you can't escape from then even in your own house (sorry I should say "his fucking house", I stand corrected).

I hope you get less shit tomorrow. Thanks for your support earlier, I did text along the lines of what you suggested but he still can't be bothered to reply. Take care x

Izzie you are a woman of many talents. Being kind, caring and funny are very worthwhile even if you can't post a picture They sure as hell are good at walking away without a backwards glance. Thanks for your support earlier, mind games does look likely. I can guess what his plans probably involved and doubt it was a leaking tap unfortunately.

I'd like a doll too and a punchbag. Maybe I could take up boxing so I get to use one. very unlikely Hope you get a good sleep. x

Family sorry you've had a stressful week but well done on feeling "meh" when you looked at him. That really is progress. Look after yourself.

Off to bed too sleep might be a different matter take care everyone.

WellWhoKnew · 04/02/2015 23:42

18 now (17 excluding 'friendly fire' Wink MrsC)

Meh

Hobbit I fed your dog...loads!

But nonetheless, have a few days when you stop faking it. A little breather break is fine y'know. Especially when you're doing couch to 5K. It can just huuuurt some days. If it's a month or so, so be it, but we'll still be here to say 'hi de hi'.

WWK xx.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 05/02/2015 00:36

Oh fuckity fuck, still awake :(

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 05/02/2015 00:56

Sleepless, but not in Seattle here too.

However, am off to bed now, think STBXH may have just got the message...

x WWK.

TabbyTortie · 05/02/2015 01:18

I am back on the stress diet. Too nervous to eat or sleep, heart beating very fast. Haven't felt like this since I used to live with him and had to listen to him slamming doors and swearing every night because he was so angry with me because HE had an affair. The most stupid things are popping into my mind like the court has so many doors how do I know which one to go in?

Sorry to hear of all the annoying exes on here today and the ridiculous and manipulative messages that they send. You are right Iwas we don't get to escape from them even in our own homes they can cause so much stress with just one text.

Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 06:53

Morning all.

Just caught up on last night's posts. God, they really are all the same, aren't they, these bloody twats.

The izzietini, well thank you Hobbit. It requires careful mixing though, as I found out last night. It needs a reasonable amount of wine and then it's izzielicious. But when only a little wine is used, for example when there's not much left in the bottle.....it's bloody foul.

I'm in a place of limbo at the moment. Waiting for the financials stuff to occur. And I'm making the most of that limbo. It just seems theoretical at the moment, and I will stay in that cocoon for now. I'm trying to coax myself not to immediately phone or send off a rant of emails, texts when I get offered the shed in the garden and some spare change.

Thinking of all of you who are going through the reality shit xx

Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 07:10

I predict that this month he will divert his salary. First reason to keep secret the amount of repayments he will be making on the new car, which must be on finance. Second reason his bonus is due. He thinks I won't know when it's due. Today he will be known as Secret Santa.

Izzie595 · 05/02/2015 07:22

He actually believes that every penny he gives me is as a result of his generous nature. There is NO financial settlement in Santa land. Oh no, that is for OTHERS. Santa has some presents in his sack. Depending on whether I've been bad or good, he will pull out one or two, and I am to choose which one. You don't DEMAND of Santa, you don't ASK of Santa, you should be HONOURED that he even allows you in his grotto.

One day I may start a thread of the shit he has spouted. Some real corkers. He will see it as the mantra of a genius. The rest of the population will wonder what fucked up planet he is from

Off to work now

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 05/02/2015 14:41

Hi Tabby, yes I'm back on the lovely divorce treadmill as well, not eating or sleeping well, no panic attacks yet though,

OP posts:
TabbyTortie · 05/02/2015 16:06

Aw thanks Hobbit. What stage of this divorce nightmare are are you at?

I was married for 20 years thinking everything was fine. Sometimes he was abusive but I didn't recognise it at the time. One teenage DC. Then he met a much much younger OW and it was like he flicked a switch, he was in love with her so he hated me from that moment on. My response to this was not what he anticipated. Instead of begging him to come back to me and offering great sex every day to try to win him back, I said 'you have cheated on me so I am going to divorce you' and that made him very angry.

I lived with some pretty terrible abuse before I moved out and got mostly free from him. He went off to live a shiny new exciting life and we don't see him very often but he always seems to be there in the background causing trouble one way or another.

Throughout the divorce he has been as awkward as possible. He has a highly paid job but gives me nothing and he has all our marital assets - for now. So here I am about to face my FDR and terrified. I have a great solicitor and great support from family and friends.