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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still finding it hard to move on......

972 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 28/01/2015 20:05

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

OP posts:
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iwashappy · 04/02/2015 20:29

He's texted me this evening, said he'd intended to talk to me today but didn't get time so could we set aside some time tomorrow away from the office as he wants to talk to me about something. I said I would go over to the office when he went back to work tonight but he said he wasn't going back to work tonight as "we've got plans." Thanks for sharing that bit, so much for not rubbing my nose in it. He wouldn't tell me by text as it's something we "need to talk about."

I'm stressed and worrying what he wants to talk to me about. I don't think it's the finances as he would have said. I don't know if it's OW, the children, the dog, the house even. I wish he would have just said what it's about as I'm imagining all sorts. Why couldn't he have just come up to the office tomorrow and said can we talk. Why does he have to worry me about it beforehand when he won't say what it is.

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 20:46

I agree about mourning the marriage, not the man. Do you mean he still has the power to hurt you emotionally, despite the first sentence? Or in the future, as in financials etc?

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 20:50

Hobbit, you have every right to feel as you do and you don't need to apologise for expressing anything on here.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 04/02/2015 20:52

Hey, Iwas, just posted on your thread, so angry on your behalf, maybe I shouldn't post on any more threads tonight, feel a bit ranty! My heads not in the best place today, so not as measured as normal, (normal? Moi?)
Well, a bit more gobby than usual, perhaps that what I mean to say, as if I pull any punches anyway. Tee Hee, I think I need to sleeeeep.....

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 20:53

Iwas, urgh! WE.....bloody pathetic, aren't they?

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 04/02/2015 20:57

Both really Izzie, not in a good place today, I'll be ok tomorrow probs, lack of sleep, reading of nisi, incoming from fuckface, triple whammy today.

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 21:01

Iwas if it was vitally important, he would have told you already. There will be plenty on your thread telling you he's playing games of some sort. They can express it better than me.

Oh, and don't think his plans will be anything special. There is probably something on TV, or a leaking tap to fix

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 21:04

Hobbit I know you will be ok tomorrow. Don't feel you have to put a brave face on it though, as though you are a party pooper. As you say, there will be all sorts of emotions hitting you tonight. Vent as much as you need to. It WAS you who said that this thread was cheaper than counsellingFlowers

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 21:09

Hobbit if you didn't have such low self esteem at the moment! you would see his actions as being MLC man wanting to release some cash to live out his fantasy MLC dream, instead of him wanting to get rid of all of you. You know he's not thinking straight, he's just a cliche. They don't think of anyone but themselves

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 04/02/2015 21:11

It is cheaper than counselling, £60 a hour, it's free on MN, and I probably get more support and better advice as well, thank you for the flowers sweetheart, no wine tonight though, not even wine and cream soda! :)

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 04/02/2015 21:12

Gin, hobbit!

Seriously the answer is, and forgive me, but it's because I'm a bit more accustomed than you right now to being in divorce hell.

For example, it has all kicked off over the last two nights. I forwarded him an email two days ago from an agent I am using, because I am required by court to communicate on this matter. I didn't even type anything, I just forwarded it.

He responded with a ton of T&Cs for me to adhere to before he'd give me a reply...I responded, with date, time, fact or else I will make an independent decision - as I always advise others to do.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Stupid here, also responded to some of his shite in the same email. As a result of that he exploded...

So I opened the floodgates and I was receiving shit for hours. And again last night.

Whereas, previously, I would get abuse via the legal system (thankfully almost all put before the judge), of course, now he can't abuse that process to vent his fury; nor can he get his solicitor to send legaltastic shite.

So I just ticked all the emails as 'read' (without reading them) and then printed them out this morning and took them over to SHL. I still haven't read them. She has. I have written a reply with SHL's input and sent it.

It will be carnage in a few hours. Do I care? Of course. Will I respond? No. It's not worth it. Way of dealing with it: I won't read them.

I have learnt to switch off my natural curiosity because I'm not a cat. My self-worth is not dependent any more on his view of me. So I just don't read his emails any more until I have to, which is about an hour before I head off to see SHL. Most of them, I don't need to anyway.

But also, as you realised yourself, it really is others that get us through this.

Izzie, Izzie, Izzie I have just accidentally taught myself how to do photos. Below the box you type in, there's three smaller, thinner, flatter boxes and you put the link in there.

Ta da!

Right, will find camera in the carnage that is my house and photo WooDooVooDoo Doll for prosperity.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 04/02/2015 21:20

He is thinking straight though Izzie, he is very measured and detached, no emotion at all, it's like he is an AI version of the man he used to be.
He just needs to get the job done, it's like he's talking about a stranger, not his wife of 27 years and his children. If we were together hE would support his son, so why not if we are not? He has abdicated his care and support to me, while his income is five times that of mine.

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 21:31

WWK oh yes! how many times do we see that??

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 21:41

Hobbit he is thinking straight in certain ways only. Like mine, focused on getting the financials sorted etc.They can't afford to think about the wife and kids because it complicates their MLC adventure. It's all about them. How can it be all about them if they have to think about the family they left behind: that would involve responsibility, emotions, complications.

I have absolutely no idea how they can be so cold and clinical. I think it's a man thing too, more specific to them than when women leave. Although of course, women generally take the kids with them

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 21:43

It's easier for them to walk away without a backwards glance than having to face the reality. This is how they think

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 21:48

It is incomprehensible and repulsive that fathers do this. But it appears to be the norm for so many of them. How will I view it when/ if mine doesn't provide adequate support for our two? Bloody angry, devastated on their behalf. Mainly disdain for the MLC cliche ex who is damaged....damaged because you would have to be damaged to act that way

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 21:54

It will happen to me too, Hobbit. Son number 1 pays housekeeping. It's in a separate account untouched. A few months ago the twat made a comment alluding to the fact that it would have to be used as income in the future, rather than just being set aside. And I felt total bloody contempt for him. And yes, bloody angry. The eldest doesn't expect us to save the housekeeping, anyway he saves enough by himself. But I, I, I, wanted to keep it back for him.

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 21:55

I also noticed that they are his "boys" when he wants to see them! but "adults" when there are implications that they may need him

greenberet · 04/02/2015 21:56

hobbit - without you starting the other thread none of us would be getting this support - you have had a shit day or couple of days - so why would you expect to feel any different - you would be telling any of us this if it was us posting. sometimes we dont hear ourselves - we tell everyone else its ok to feel how you do but not ourselves - hobbit - its ok for you to feel how you do - and if you feel ok tomorrow then great but if you dont thats ok too - we all understand - we're all going through exactly the same. did you read the link i posted to a while back - it may help - i know it all feels so personal but really there is a breed of man that are like this - nothing at all to do with us - its how they are and if they couldn't change or see that they needed to change for a wife and kids then nothing will get them to realise this.

WellWhoKnew · 04/02/2015 21:59

Hobbit But you ARE thinking about your family, as well as yourself. That's what you're fighting for.

Just because he's decided he can abdicate responsibility, doesn't mean he won't have to face up to it later down the line.

Personally, I no longer give a fig about how they think, I know how I think - and my thinking is pretty okay for me. Hobbit, just keep thinking about gorgeous son no. 2 on behalf of both his parents: the one that looks after him, and the one that should.

That be the all the motivation you need.

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 22:00

Yes to all Green said. And yes men will avoid for a number of reasons, including just avoiding facing the harsh reality of what they have done.

greenberet · 04/02/2015 22:02

izzie sadly i am already there - DH knew i had to use kids savings to pay solicitors bill - my DD is fully aware of this too and the fact that he spent £80(bargain though was £150) on a christmas tree, has bought a new car, had a weekend in a hotel, spent £70 on a beanbag.... shall I continue - think Im ready to call solicitor tomorrow - head is back where it should be Grin

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 22:02

Agree with WWK. I see financial settlement as being a fight. Him in one corner. Me and the kids in the other

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 22:05

Green it is appalling having to do that. One day DD will recognise him for what he is

Izzie595 · 04/02/2015 22:07

I have made damn sure that son no 1 knows how much twat is thinking of spending on his new car. Son is careful with his money. He would just about think it would be acceptable if the twat spent half that amount.

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