Back to square one :-( don't know who the dad is :-(

[Halleberry]

I posted a while back this same topic. I had become increasingly obsessed with this and could not settle. I managed to move past it (for a while) until yesterday my new midwife told me my dating scan coil be up to a week or so out. Now in devastated as I'd been told before that done at the right time they are never more than a couple of days in or out. Basically my last period was on or around the 20th August. I slept with my partner a few times between the 25th August until we reconciled properly in September. However after a drunken night in the 7th of September, I slept with a good friend of mine. On the 15th of September I don't a pg test and it was positive @ 2/3 weeks. My first scan put my due date @ 26 May 2015. Meaning I conceived on or around beginning of September (and I was sleeping with my partner at this time). But now after new mid wife saying it could be a week out I'm back to square one and I'm ill over it. Anyone any advice/experience please? Can a clear blue say 2/3 weeks only 8 days after intercourse? Does this seem more than likely paranoia and baby is my partners? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please no judgment. I hate myself enough as it is and this pregnancy is awful.

OP I know you are going through a tough time and I really don't know what I'd do but I'd hope I'd have courage to tell the truth. I would be fearful that the lie would hang over me for the rest if my life. Whether or not your partner stays should be up to him it shouldn't be you that gets to make that decision on his behalf. Your partner is a thinking feeling human being just like you and deserves the right to make his own decisions. I know you're in panick mode right now and the thought of losing him seems like the end of everything but imagine this level of fear and paranoia carried on into your relationship.

Violetta. I apologise if you actually read the thread, but as it was discussed many times, at length, I'm very surprised you missed it. I can't quite fathom how that took you a long time to compose as it's not what you'd call a comprehensive guide to ovulation & timing

Perhaps people could take a moment to think about the fact that Halle suffers from MH problems, is half way through her pregnancy and is terrified of her partner leaving if she tells him the baby might not be his.

Before their split her partner was emotionally distant, she was very sad, depressed and lonely. During the period of maybe getting back together she slept with a friend (who frankly took advantage of her vulnerable state and should have been a much better friend and not slept with her). It wasn't her wisest decision, but to quote Friends 'We were on a break!'. She regretted it immediately and feels dreadful about it.

Her partner wouldn't accept they were on a break or that his treatment of her made her so vulnerable to this Friend. He would just leave, no questions asked. Leaving her in a complete state, their DS very upset and what is more than likely his daughter without her family unit as well.

All for a 5 minute shag, on a break.

Once the baby is born the OP will be able to sort out whether he's the biological father or not and it will be able to be sorted out much better than it can be now. There's no 'perfect' answer at this stage, but I think Halle has made her decision and it would be nice if people could support her or not post. Telling her she's wrong or terrible really isn't going to help,this struggling pregnant woman.

I don't think it will be sorted out when the babies here, she will need his consent for the test and given she won't tell him now it's very unlikely she will once the babies been born.

Yes she has health problems but would you excuse a man who blamed sleeping with another women and getting her pregnant then hiding it on health problems? Of course not, he'd be ripped to pieces.

The DH deserves to know the truth so he too can make his own choices. Theres another thread running about a child finding out who he thought was his dad may not be and the mum knew all along and that poor child is now really suffering. It's not just the OP to think about, there are two other innocent people in this.

That's exactly it. They are innocent. At this moment in time I'm the only one suffering ((and quite rightly so I know and can hear you say)) but my DH and DS are blissfully unaware. I'm carrying the burden of my terrible mistake and for now, that's how it needs to be. What if I told him tonight only to find out that my "friend" had came back from his travels and I could even do a prenatal DNA with him and nobody need know UNLESS he is the father! I could rip my DH and DS hearts out .... And it could be for NOTHING as baby could very well be my DH! I've emailed "friend" again asking him to call me as its very important. He may call or he may not. He may call and say he is due back next month. In which case I will be asking him to do a prenatal DNA with me. I feel like I need to hold out a little bit more. Any day, anything could change and I'm jut hoping and prying that it does. Thank you chipping for your continued support in this. I suffer and have suffered greatly from Alot of MH problems all of my life and pregnancy exasperates them ten fold which is why I'm under prenatal psychiatry care. Yes keeping this secret is a heavy burden on me, but I honestly feel like not having him around at all would be worse on my MH. So maybe I am being a little bit selfish, but in a sense ... I need to be right now. For my own sanity, and for the health and safety of my DS and unborn DD. And honestly, being in such a horrible situation and bei the one having made this terrible mistake, has opened my eyes completely to a whole new level of not judging others. If a man was on here and had made the mistake of sleeping with another woman and getting her pregnant an didn't know what to do but for whatever reason felt like telling his wife wasn't the right thing to do yet, I think I'd see it from a whole different perspective now. I've messed up big time. And even if she turns out to be my DH, I will still live with a heavy burden of guilt for the rest of my life. I've cried,I've ached,I've had sleepless nights,days upon days where I can't have any food,my nails ate so bitten and chewed my fingers bleed, my face looks like death and my hair has been falling out. I can only imagine this has been due to my stress levels. I feel it's time to try and be kinder to myself for the sake of my baby. I understand he has the right to make his own decision, but by telling him this I feel like I'm taking away alot more from him than that. I'm taking away his out look on the world and his family unit. He will never be the same again if this comes out and it could all be for nothing. Might I add one more spanner to the works. My "friend" and I have known each thee since early childhood. We were always very close. When I met my DH he struggled alot to accept our friendship ((which was honestly nothing more than friendship right up til the night we slept together)). But my DH did not like that fact that my best friend was a goo looking man. It took him quite some time ... But eventually he accepted it and the two of them would now consider themselves friends. So this actually makes for a bigger betrayal ((in my DH eyes)) as looking at the smaller picture,I've slept with his friend to :-( he would feel humiliated and I wouldn't be surprised after how long it took for him to accept our friendship, If he believed that I had been sleeping with him all this time. There would be no forgiveness of this situation what so ever. I would be left in a heart beat,alone,two kids,terrible mental health ... And it could be his baby anyway x

You are beating yourself up for having a fling with someone when you were single. I think you are being very tough on yourself tbh. How would you feel if your DH had had sex with someone else when you were separated?

Alab as hypocritical as this is ... Id be devastated :-( and although yes we hadn't made it "official".... We were on the road to recovery. We were trying to reconcile. Intact in some ways I feel as if this is worse than if I'd slept with someone else BEFORE we broke up. Things were pretty hard for both of us just before we separated and in some ways I think he would understand better had I slept with someone during that awful period of time, than what he would knowing that I slept with someone else when he and I were finally beginning the healing process x

Hi Halleberry, what a pickle. You have my sympathy and the strain this has placed upon you is obvious through your posts.

Reading the whole thread, the various different views and suggestions can be condensed down to two approaches:

1. The 'practical' one - this is where posters have focused on dates, timing, probability and consequences.

1. The ''principled' one - this is where posters have looked at ideas such as honesty, morality etc.

And both approaches have been evident in your own posts, as you have swayed between hoping that the practicalities (i.e. a small percentage likelihood that the ONS chap is the father - I think you chose 5% as your figure) will outweigh the principle of being honest with your partner.

Time and again, you and other posters have veered between what is right and what is likely and I think this toing and froing has exacerbated your plight, not least because you clearly haven't been in control of this.

There are merits and dangers on either side, and we will all have our views on what is the morally right choice here.

Now, you appear to have come down on the practical side and are going to hope beyond hope that the maths comes out in your favour.

Having decided which approach to adopt, you must (I suggest) now stick with it, come what may.

Be happy in your choice and accept its consequences and do not deviate for one minute. In so doing, you have regained control and this, in turn, will make things easier, although it may not feel like it at times.

I wish you the very best.

Than you wilts. I have made my decision and I am going to stick to it. I feel calmer in myself having actually made the decision. When I came on here I had NO idea what to so for the best. With everyone's help here, with all the posts, even the ones that swayed on the more moral side of things, all of them have helped me reach a decision. I've swayed alot with my inner self over this. Am I bad person? Am I evil? Etc etc etc ... And I've revue the decision that I'm a troubled human being who made a terrible mistake and is doing what she feels is best right now in a bad situation. Not to try and be bad,nasty,evil, or to take away my DH rights to make a choice. In a sense I have taken a step back from my DH altogether and made a choice about MY life and my unborns and what would be best right now for US. Yes I am hoping that maths is on my side. I don't think there is a right or wrong time to tell him. I think ANYTIME at this stage is going to have a terrible outcome. The bond is already there. All be it will be stronger when she arrives, but its still going to have a negative outcome. I deeply thank each and everyone of you for taking the time to post and give advice. You have all helped me reach a final decision. I hope it's ok to stick around and keep everyone updated x

Telling your friend puts a lot of control out there into someone else's hands. If the baby isn't his, surely he never needs to know you had any doubts? Especially now you have said they are friends, he might not keep the secret for you. If only you know, then you have control over how your dh finds out.

I could be wrong about him but I've known him a long time and I don't think he would want this getting out at all. As I said he is very much a "wherever I lay my hat" guy. I think he would do the test if I pestered him enough ((if I even see him again)) but if he wasn't the dad I really do not see him wanting anybody to know what happened between us. If he IS the dad ... Yes I would tell my OH and I have NO IDEA if my friend would be actively involved with my daughter. But I I knew with certainty that my OH was not the dad, I definitely could not live in peace with tht knowledge. I would tell my OH what happened x

But whilst you don't know for certain which is the dad, you're quite happy to let him believe he has his first child on the way.

Better add honesty and integrity to the list my son has to watch out for.

I think you are just convincing yourself that this is for the best but it's best for you not them. Your poor DH will never know as you simply won't do the test and blame the friend for not coming back to take it.

It's quite shocking how it can be so blasé to not happen to mention to your DH the tiny tiny important fact that he might not be the father of your child as you were sleeping with another man also.

If telling your partner would kill him and you cant face being alone then you have one option, live with the decision you have made. THat sounds harsh and I dont mean it to be but you have to look after yourself and you have to stop this eating away at you. If you really dont think you can live with the consequences of the truth not being what you want to hear then dont ask for it.

It isnt the decision I would make but then we are all different. You have to find away to live with this as right now it is eating up you up and making you ill.

Make a decision and stick to it and try and move on. As hard as that might be.

I would hardly say my approach to this or my final decision has been "blaz'e" .... Quite the opposite infact. I haven't exactly just say and thought "oh well he may not be the dad but who cares" ... This may appear to be the case in your eyes, but its not as black and white as that. If I didn't care or felt no remorse or guilt, I wouldn't even be here. But I stand firm in my decision. At this moment in time ((as selfish as it may be)) I have to think of my own MH and the health of my unborn. If that means decieving my other half a few more months then that's how it has to be. Remember we are going on a high probability that this baby is my OH. It would be different if I categorically KNEW it wasn't. I've heard and spoken to many people who have said in certain circumstances they would rather not know. Maybe I'm taking any choice away from him by choosing to tell him?? Once I say it I can't take it back and for all I know he could say to me he wished I'd said nothing until I knew through my friend. U can throw about the "moral high ground" but until you're in someone else's EXACT position, it's a bit unfair to actually "judge". It's ok to he an opinion fr eg. If it were me I think I'd tell him etc etc ... But it's different to question my morals and integrity over this :-( I hope you never make a mistake and have to make a horrible decision like this

That's what I'm going to do mummy. Thanks for giving advice and not judgement x

Halleberry, to be fair to SnowWhiteAteTheApple, telling you that she would do something different is not 'judging' you.

And when is anyone ever in someone else's EXACT position? Never.

Therefore, we should never judge anyone, ever? Really?

I think when we ask for opinions on here, we have to accept them for what they are. As I've already said, you have yourself tussled with the moral aspect of this and decided to ignore it for now. However, you can't complain when others bring up the moral dimension when you have done so yourself.

If you had solely focused on the maths/probability and 'getting caught', then objecting to a moral perspective would be fair enough. But having shown that you are aware of what is actually the moral choice, I think you have to concede that others may take whatever view they want to, frankly.

And for what it is worth, I too would warn any man (not just my son) to read this thread and learn therefrom.

Fair play wilts ... I take
On board what you say. I guess what I was really getting at was her judgement that I've taken this so "blaze" which I believe is not the case and I've shown in great detail on here that I haven't made this decision lightly at all. I appreciate everyone has
Different views, but to say my approach has been "blaze" is not right x

I stand by the blasé comment, you have quite clearly stated you will only tell him if it isn't his when you test. Given you need his permission to test then it's never going to happen. That's the blaze attitutde, the "what he doesn't know won't hurt him as I want my way".

It shows little regards for anyone's feelings but your own. You are not telling him because it spoils what you want from life, his feelings of knowing about the other sexual partner or the fact that the new baby may not be his dont come into it apparently. He gets to know nothing of his true partner as you don't want to be single with two children.

We can all be selfish at times but deceit of this level goes way beyond.

That's your opinion of the situation Snowwhite and your entitled to that.

Halleberry

I don't know if this information will help you but thought I'd let you know. Spookily my dates are exactly the same as yours (last period/due date/scans). I think it was either Friday 29th or Saturday 30th when I last had sex with my partner. I didn't have sex after that (at all in September) and got a bfp on 15th September.

I know your situation is very complicated but as we seem to be date twins I thought this information might put your mind at rest a bit.

Can you go back to the symptoms you had when you felt you were pregnant and when you first noticed the,.

I was puzzling this out last night and it definitely sounds like the baby is your DP rather than df

I'm I clined to think like the other poster to keep your secret to yourself. Tell one person and that's it . You'll never know who they might tell. Future partner . They fall out. They blab. Possibilities are endless. Keep it under your hat and live with your decision.

He's bonding already with his baby. Maybe some sense on a level we don't understand because we don't understand sixth sense, he bonds not cause he thinks it's his because he knows it is.

You can't wreck all of these lives on a possibility. It's like throwing a stone in the pond and watch the ripples your DP, your child, your baby, your family, his family. List is endless.

Well pirate although I know everyone is different ... That does put me a little more at ease. To be honest dowser I noticed symptoms (if it is my DH) at around 1 week after conception. I had went to the shop for my usual summer fruits that I drank . I couldn't stomach it. I really honestly was sickened by the taste which was very very strange to me because it was my favourite. It was giving me the dry boke and I had to actually fling it out. I've not touched it since. Also same time my sense of smell was indescribable. Infanct I remember the night of the 7th just before my friend came round I was nearly sick eating my dinner. It was spag Bol (my favourite) and I genuinely felt sick at the smell and taste and I also haven't been able to eat it since. That was all before I even slept with my friend. All be it only a day or so but I did notice this change. Infact these changes stayed with me which is why I done a test. I didn't do one because I thought I might be pregnant with my friends baby. I done one because I thought I might be a good few weeks pregnant and my period wasn't even late. I know my cycle is irregular by a few days here and there but my last period was approx the 20th August and the one i can remember before that was june the 21st and the reason i know this is because I went through old messages where I'd told a friend my period had just came and I wasn't feeling well. I wasn't expecting another one until about that time again. I know many may think I am being very selfish and thinking only of myself but I really am not. Ok so is be a lone single parent with two kids, but I was single parent with my DS until i met my now DH and I managed just fine. I know I would get there eventually because I've done it before. And I was younger then and had less support than I would now. There is a huge part of me that is thinking about my DH. When he strokes my belly or calls 20 times a day to see how me and "bump" are and calls every night on way home to see if I need anything or if I'm craving anything for him to bring home. When he works every hour god gives and buys endless baby things. We can't do a single weekly shop without him stocking up on things or putting a wee vest/dress/hat anything baby he can get his hands on. When I watch all of this my heart aches and I think ... "How can I burst
That bubble right now if I don't HAVE to"? :-( it's very heart breaking and I pray my friend comes home and he an I can figure this mess out and nobody needs to suffer x

Hair falling out could be linked to low iron by the way

I had bloods taken and they said my iron is fine :-/ they could see I was very anxious and stressed and said that could cause hair loss :-( x

SnowWhite Wholly appreciate that by posting OP Halle has opened herself up to all views but irrespective of that your posts sound bitter and beyond harsh.

Is clear OP is struggling beyond struggling and has been honest vis her MH issues; do you really want your extreme level of 'brutally honest' vis YOUR view to tip her over the edge?

I highly doubt you've never made a mistake, even if it's not on the 'scale' you may believe OP's to be so can I politely ask that - having made and then re-made your point so eloquently you maybe wind your neck in now as, again irrespective of your POV and the reality of this siutation, right now it looks like you are seriously laying the boot into someone who is manifestly already incredibly vulnerable right now. It's not even that your posts have any advice in; they are reading as simply judgemental bordering on vicious.

Please leave OP alone? She's obviously bashing herself around enough without anyone else needing or having a right to.