son has nowhere to go

[mykidscome1st]

i desperately need some advice,my 20 year old son moved out just under a year ago into a flat with his gf,its miles away,they are splitting up and he wants to come home, we have 3 other children at home,and live in a 3 bed house, the room my other son is in is too small for him never mind sharing it with the 20 year old,our living room is quite large so ive asked my husband to half it properly and make my son a bedroom downstairs,hes not having none of it,so my son now has nowhere to sleep, me and oh have been arguing about this for days now,and ive had enough,my children will always come first no matter what,so I told my husband to leave,weve been together 12 years so I don't really want it to come to this,why is he being so god damn unreasonable

you sound charming. Aggressive, uneducated and with rigid attitudes. Your son is 20. He does not work, he does not go to college, hes moig home because he doesn't like to be so far away ? He sounds like a mummy's boy with no future whatsoever.

Have you ever worked? or do you live off benefits?

You still haven't answered my question OP. I've asked twice now.

Is your husband refusing to make a new room, or refusing to have your ds home at all? Although I full agree that your children should come first, you can't just expect everything all your own way, you have to reach a compromise.

Tbh you can't blame people for commenting on you throwing your DH out since you wrote it yourself in your original post .

Another thing you can do to offer practical support is ask at the Job Centre if there are courses he could go on or one to one advice on improving his interview technique. Or, indeed ask around friends and family for anyone who can coach him a bit. If he's getting interviews he really should have a job by now. Help by teaching him how to budget and save in order to pay his bills and become a functioning adult in society. That's good parenting IMO.

If he goes to the council you may have to write to say you cannot house him and he would likely get temporary accommodation ie in a hostel. It's not great but it's a start.

Hi, I did answer that further up sorry, no he had not said he can't come home, just you can tell he's not happy about it, as to romillyjane I have worked since I was 12 years old and never have I claimed benefits in my life nor has any of my family,just because my son has not found a job YET does not make us all out to be down n out uneducated people, I own my own home me and my husband have decent cars each, I really don't c what this has to do with it , I would like to stress however that I have no problems with people that are uneducated or that need to claim benefits for some reason or another we appreciate that some not all need help, and that poor families don't get the education they all deserve

why the hell would any man come before a woman's kids,

You are hardly in a life or death situation where this is where it would be important. I nyour situation your husband and kids should be on an equal footing.

To be honest I left home for uni at 18 and since moving out I have moved back home 3 or 4 times but always temporarily e.g. a few months so I could find a decent place to rent. I honestly can say moving back home is nice but I couldn't do it permanently because after even one month I was itching for my freedom.

Let him move back but give him a sofabed, also encourage him to take up college again or do a trade course e.g. plumbing etc. This way you are still being supportive as a parent.

You husband - I truly feel for him because the way you talk about him it seems he is not an equal. You say 'your house' not 'our house' - doesn't matter if you initially got the house once you are married what is yours is mine and vice versa.

Also you say 'who puts their husband before their kids' - well really you are already telliung your husband indirectly that he is not important. He is at the bottom of your importance list. IMO if you put all your focus on your kids then come the time they have all left the family home you and your husband will feel like room mates. Its really sad that a husband is demoted in this way.

You should treat the husband and the kids with equal importance. Really this statement should only be kept for those life or death situations where someone has a gun to your head and says you need to choose who to save.

He has been on a couple of courses and unlike most he turns up to everything they provide and offer

How would your husband feel about allowing your son to come home, if you compromise and tell your son that he has to get into some kind of employment or training, and contribute (both financially, to get him used to paying some kind of rent, and through chores alongside his paid work or training). And that you won't give him money - if he needs something, he earns it.

Would that sort of compromise work for him, do you think?

Yes Matilda I no I shouldn't of put that, but the letter to the council is a good idea thank you

I definitely think the answer should be for both your husband and son to compromise. Your son is 20. He's a grown man, and he should start to learn that he has to earn his keep and pay his way. Give him space but set some conditions: he must get a job and contribute, or pay you some rent out of his JSA, and he needs to contribute to the running of the household by helping with chores and the other children. Basically, you need to make it so he knows he has a safe place to come back to, but really wants to get back out and stand on his own two feet again.

I would buy a sofa bed, chances are he won't stay long. I had to move back to my mums when I was 20 and it was hell after living independently for a year, I couldn't stand having to tell her where I was going, what time I would be home etc...etc.. So I soon moved out again. I think making him his own room, changing your house lay out it a bit too OTT for a 20 year old, he is an adult and probably won't plan on hanging around long. Let him sleep on the sofa or let him gave your room and you use a soda bed, see how things go and if he plans on staying long term then you can look into making him his own space.

Good god romilly

I am not sure, as a healthy 20 year old, he will get much from the council, even if you say he is homeless and can't live with you, he may just get told to go to the homeless accommodation or perhaps if you are lucky a hostel.

I could be wrong, I know it differs between councils and areas but most areas are totally oversubscribed for council housing.

I think you are probably close to a solution now you have decided not to throw your husband out:) (we all say things in anger)

Think about how you could rejig the bedrooms? Talk with your husband about his worries- my guess is he's worried he'll move back, play on the Xbox and sponge off you- if those are his concerns, tell him how that's not going to happen and what the plan is- you should definitely get some income from your son, even just for the principle of it and from his benefits.

Also, if you are happy to give him a handout, why not help him by giving him a deposit or being a guarantee for a shared room or bedsit which will accept Housing Benefit? He keeps his independence, you get to be kind mum, husband doesn't have to share lounge, win win!

Ok you have 3 bedrooms, 2 boys in your room, leave the two girls where they are and you have the smallest room? is there room for a double bed or mattress? if so do that and spread your clothes around the other rooms. problem solved.

Agree with hair - you said upthread somewhere that financially you're stable; being a guarantor for him would open up a lot more possibilities for housing for him in private rent - finding a room in a sort of student house/houseshare? Sometimes you can get ones where the bills are included in the rent; it's easing him in to living independently.

I would absolutely let my boy come home, if he can't turn to his mum for help then who can he turn to? I would rearrange the house and do whatever I could to help him settle back at home, even if that meant putting up a stud wall. You say the front room is big enough and the room will be handy afterwards so I would absolutely do it, plus it's only a stud wall, they do come down. My parents put one up when I was a kid so my brother and I could have a room each and when he left it was taken down so I could have a bigger bedroom.

I wouldn't mind at all paying for a share or the other options, what does worry me is him not paying there bills leaving him to go into debt, although really that shouldn't be my concern, I think you are all right in the fact I'm still seeing him as my little boy I need to pack it in, starting now, I do no a couple of the jobs he went for interviews they said he would need his own transport but did not mention that in the write up, so is that just an excuse to not employ him, I no he must be doing or saying something wrong but I doubt it's intentionally, I got him license for one of his birthdays so lessons could possibly start

Your poor husband, I bet he feels very undervalued

The trollop

Have the job centre offered him any help with interview skills? Hopefully he will gain confidence with practice.

Good luck, I would get bunk beds for the box room like people upthread have suggested.

At 20, he needs to be out on his own, sofabed is the way to go.

an adult childs needs and comfort do not come before preferences of my husband. Very unlikely that child would put me before a spouse, and rightly so.

I am surprised your son doesn't have even one friend he can kip with short term, nor evidently know anyone looking for a roommate longer term. 20 year olds don't want to live at home long enough to need a room built unless they expect to live the expense free life of a child. They want to be where the parties and potential shags are.

I'd subsidise him to rent a room with all bills included.

I don't know where you are but here a room with bills included comes in at £80pw.

Tbh I think you've come across really badly on this thread and hope you aren't so harsh and dictatorial in reality other I fear for your marriage.

It seems to me that your son is at a disadvantage in that he is shy and uncommunicative in interviews.

He would benefit by joining Toastmasters, or something similar. Members give speeches in front of others in the group. It really helps one to be able to talk in front of groups.

I would encourage make him do volunteer work several times a week. None of this staying up all night playing games and sleeping until three.

Also he should have chores. Cooking a couple times a week, keeping bathroom clean. Maybe have him plan, shop for and cook those meals.