son has nowhere to go

[mykidscome1st]

i desperately need some advice,my 20 year old son moved out just under a year ago into a flat with his gf,its miles away,they are splitting up and he wants to come home, we have 3 other children at home,and live in a 3 bed house, the room my other son is in is too small for him never mind sharing it with the 20 year old,our living room is quite large so ive asked my husband to half it properly and make my son a bedroom downstairs,hes not having none of it,so my son now has nowhere to sleep, me and oh have been arguing about this for days now,and ive had enough,my children will always come first no matter what,so I told my husband to leave,weve been together 12 years so I don't really want it to come to this,why is he being so god damn unreasonable

You seem very angry at anyone who disagrees with you so ...

Yes I feel for you DH..You have been together 12 years when do you become equals...

It is your way or the highway.

You are really not helping your son at all..If it was my DS yes I would let him home, but not not redo the house unless you have a massive lounge...

I do think you see your DS through rose tinted glasses who happily shacked up with the" smelly trollop"

Omg! I am not and do not want to chuck out my husband, this is not about him

I completely understand why you want your son home.I didn't have that option at a similar age and ended up making poor life choices (getting married young). My children (young adults) know they are welcome home if they need it. I think that security is vital for their development.

Some 20year olds, especially boys, need more support and one size doesn't fit all regarding independence. Whilst he's 20 he has to develop his independence skills so you can help with that.

However I think you need to compromise with your husband. If the sticking point is the stud wall then go for the sofa bed option (which isn't ideal and bedding in the living room would annoy me) but it's a compromise.

Ffs, he's 20. Help him find his own place.

My mum did take me in at least twice when life went wrong. I had to pay 1/3 of my income as rent to her though, and cook/help out with household, plus get back on my feet while I was there.

So, I would do the same.

I wouldn't expect her to give up half her living room though, or indeed give me money if I dropped out of college and shacked up with a guy on benefits (she wouldn't do either of these things). It's bad that he feels that entitled, I would refuse the room!

I think you can put your child first by helping out but not making them dependent.

I don't think that anyone is saying don't have the son home: Of course you should help in any way possible.

It is more around the insisting that the house be remodelled and kicking her husband out for disagreeing that it must be done.

I was 16 wen i had my son, I went threw a very bad time and we both neally died, he weighed 2lb when he was born and was in hospital for months, perhaps this is why it seems he's my precious little boy,but I do no that was then and this is now he's an adult I no

Id agree with earlier poster that said give him 3 months rent in a shared house and let him grow up a bit, get a job or decide to go back to college.

The only way he should be allowed to move in would be if he was back in full time education.

Id also not be dividing the living room - you have a young family, you all need to have some space for family living.

But you didnt really want advice did you....you wanted us to validate your decision.

I would get bunks for the box room for the two youngest, and get the older two to share the larger room.

Starlight I'm not angry at ppl who disagree not at all, that's why I asked on here to get some advice about the pros and cons, I'm angry about ppl who don't even no me or my family saying my kids a drop out waster, and Im babying my kids

Op.

Is he claiming any sort of benefit whilst not working? if no then get that sorted.

Why can't he go into a flat share? he'd qualify for some HB (in my area £300) a month and could look for a job in the mean time.

will he go back to college?

Is he looking for for a job?

How big is your living room, will you end up with 2 small rooms instead of one decent room?

Why can't his clothes go in a wardrobe in someone else's room and you get a sofa bed? No mess.

Yer fanny that's what I wanted, I wanted you all to say my husbands a twat and he should be doing what I say, but instead I'm the twat and am now doing what he sais instead so yer all good

Well this is a delightful thread.

OP, you came here looking for opinions and are getting very defensive when people say something you don't want to hear. MN is well known for telling people straight and I'm afraid if you don't like that approach you might find other parenting forums more suited to you.

FWIW, I don't think there's anything wrong with allowing your DS back home, he needs somewhere to stay and you want to help him out. I'd draw the line and converting your living room to accommodate him. There's a difference between supporting your grown up children and enabling them to continue to make poor decisions.

The fact is, he dropped out of college, he has no job and, from the sounds of it, little prospect of getting a decent job. If you make life too easy for him, this will never change. I appreciate that you and your DS have been through a lot together and that maybe explains your enabling, but you're not helping him flourish. I can't see how a sofa bed would be any more of an inconvenience than losing half your living room.

As for your DH, well I think if this were your only issue, you're being very unreasonable to kick him out just because he doesn't want to convert half your living room into a bedroom. However, it seems you're already very angry at your DH because he does nothing round the house, nothing with the children and doesn't pay for anything. It seems like maybe you're just using this as an excuse to chuck out a man you were already unhappy with. Would I be right?

why cant he go and live with his father?

I recall my brother coming home at 30 when his marriage unexpectedly ended. I was 16 or so. There's five kids in our family, so it was a squeeze but he had to share the small room in bunks with my other brother who was 10 at the time.

We are all from the same two parents, so there was that. However, my older brother was obviously not comfortable with the status quo and worked incredibly hard to get back on his feet, with a new job, car, his own place.

I think you need to help your son get back on his feet, but you need to strike a balance, because it is your husband's house as well.

I'm telling things as it is, why the hell would any man come before a woman's kids, if we split up and I met someone else would my husband be happy for me to put my new partner first before his children, no he would not, and anyway most of the answers Id not even thought of or concidered, I think I'm going to send him to the council and c what thy say, he would be better off in a place of his own

His father died

He had an excellent future ahead of him but gave it all up for a woman
You can't really believe this, can you???? What part of being with a woman precludes you continuing a college course (or working, for that matter??)
And as to being too shy to get a job, words fail me...

I would talk to him about resuming his studies, if he was enjoying the course before he may well benefit long term from finishing his studies.

Why should your DH be doing what you say? I think you have control issues in your relationship that will need addressing, so that you can (if you both want to, of course) move forward together in a balanced partnership.

I can thoroughly appreciate how protective you feel about your son, particularly given how fragile he was when he was born. He is grown now though, and he will probably go through a few relationship breakdowns before he settles permanently, so you cannot consider carrying out building work each time he returns home. I would have my son back in this situation, but with conditions - that he claims any benefits he is entitled to and pays a proportion into the housekeeping, and that he is supported to update his cv, signs on with agencies, and looks for courses to do. He could also do voluntary work whilst he is looking for work and gain valuable experience.

I absolutely agree with you that you don't stop being a parent once they are grown - often it can feel that they need even more support than when they were younger. However parenting at this stage should focus on building and developing his independence; and fostering and/or fine tuning his career aspirations.

Good luck.

so I told my husband to leave

posters are taking issue with you throwing your husband out over this because that's what you said.

I wouldn't send him to the council. I would offer him the sofa and help him look for a room in a shared house like most of us lived in at 20 - I didn't have somewhere of my own until I was in my late 20's it was flat sharing all the way until then. And yes some of them were pretty cruddy.

Absolutely your parents should be a safe place in a last resort but you should be expecting to support yourself if you aren't in college at 20 and not be living off your parents, particularly if you still have young siblings at home. Treat him like the adult he is and assume he is capable of helping himself and then he might well surprise you and be more capable than you think.

By all means make him welcome and offer him somewhere to sleep but don't assume he will there until he's 40 and make it nice and cosy for him without him having to lift a finger.

It's not about making your husband more important than your son. It's about making your DH feel like his views are totally irrelevant and that he doesn't like it then he can bugger off because its not his house anyway. I would feel totally hurt and marginalised if my wife/husband said that to me and it would make me question our relationship.

Is your DH a good father, husband generally? Work and provides for his family? If yes to these basic questions, then whilst you may think that you always "out your kids first", you are actually being very short sighted and depriving your children of a family unit and living with their father.