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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

son has nowhere to go

173 replies

mykidscome1st · 27/01/2015 20:01

i desperately need some advice,my 20 year old son moved out just under a year ago into a flat with his gf,its miles away,they are splitting up and he wants to come home, we have 3 other children at home,and live in a 3 bed house, the room my other son is in is too small for him never mind sharing it with the 20 year old,our living room is quite large so ive asked my husband to half it properly and make my son a bedroom downstairs,hes not having none of it,so my son now has nowhere to sleep, me and oh have been arguing about this for days now,and ive had enough,my children will always come first no matter what,so I told my husband to leave,weve been together 12 years so I don't really want it to come to this,why is he being so god damn unreasonable

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 27/01/2015 21:03

Another thought occurs to me. Are you and DS1 especially close having been together for a long while until you married DH and had more children?

Watching your child go through heartbreak is heartbreaking. It's really understandable that you want to rush in there and scoop him up and provide him with a room. But step back, take the advice above and have your son and your DH both under the roof. No need to start wearing a hair shirt and being ungracious if people here disagree with your views. It might be that the majority are right. Nobody is disagreeing that you want to help your ds just no need to disrupt the entire household in order to do so.

OllyBJolly · 27/01/2015 21:14

its my house why should I go I had it when we met

This is a bit telling really. It might be your house but it's your husband's home.

I would never turn my children away, and i'd like to think they could always come home if they had to. (DD1 is currently home right now having just broken up with her partner) However, it's got to fit with what the current situation is. And as others have said, it's likely, hopefully temporary.

Your DH doesn't want to partition the room - you have to respect that view, not just dismiss it. I'm not suggesting his opinion trounces yours, but you have to talk about it and explore any other options.

workhouse · 27/01/2015 21:17

You would ask your other children's father to leave over a disagreement about your adult son? What about their happiness, and their well being or do you favour your eldest son? Surely another solution can be found.

OllyBJolly · 27/01/2015 21:30

its my house why should I go I had it when we met

This is a bit telling really. It might be your house but it's your husband's home.

Kewcumber · 27/01/2015 21:34

workhouse thats a really good point. OP you are punishing your younger children because your oldest adult child isn't (in your opinion) being treated well enough. How do your other children feel about this?

RumbelowSale · 27/01/2015 21:50

A cousin was made homeless when his mum died suddenly, he was about 19 at the time and he came to live with us and stayed until he was about 20-21 I think. Mum and Dad bought a sofa bed to replace the sofa in the other downstairs room and we had a situation going similar to Fontella. It worked really well. As I recall the bedding was stored under the bed, his clothes were in one of the wardrobes and mum, too, would make the bed up for him to come home to if he was out. It all worked out really well and he was forever grateful to them.

SugarOnTop · 28/01/2015 00:55

i think you need to relax those apron strings some more OP. At 20 years of age he should be learning to take total responsibility for himself. It's fine to offer him the use of the couch or an airbed in the living room until he sorts his own accomodation out. he's already shown that he CAN live independently...and he doesn't need much more than a bedsit/studio flat whilst he learns to navigate the 'independent adult' world so it should be an easy and cheaper transition.

it sounds like you want him to live with you longterm even though he is an adult with a life of his own. you still have other chicks in the nest so take this opportunity to learn how to let your eldest chick 'fly the nest' so to speak. you not doing either of you or the rest of your family any favours with your current attitude.....i can't believe you'd rather break up a whole family AND your marriage for the sake of taking a step that ALL parents have to take whether they like it or not.

so i'm with your dh on this one....absolutely no way would i build a partition...what next - sound insulation for when his future gfs want to stay over?????

mrscumberbatch · 28/01/2015 01:04

Sofa bed till he's up on his feet again.

Do you honestly think that after living alone that he really want to go back to live with his parents? Unlikely.

Cabrinha · 28/01/2015 01:41

Just how big is this living room, when your 3rd bedroom won't even fit a proper bed in it?!
Does your husband feel you're being optimistic about creating two rooms?

Do you have different assumptions about what this means?

Cabrinha · 28/01/2015 01:44

Posted too soon!

Sounds like you're acting like he's back for good, building a new room.

I think it would be reasonable of your husband to think he's flown the nest now - though of course he should be able to come back temporarily.

Why don't you pop your younger son in with his sisters for now, and give grown up son the box room?

Ultimately, he's only 20 not 40, I'd choose my child over my husband, but... He's not an only child. Is this your only issue? Would you throw out 3 children's father?

Isetan · 28/01/2015 02:45

This isn't about your DH being unreasonable, it's about you having the son you missed come back into the fold. You're prepared to permanently reduce the living space of the entire family so that DS won't want to move out again so quickly.

Your dismissive 'take or leave it' attitude, plus the suggestion that paternity has played a role in you H position is extremely insulting.

My 4M by 8M living room is a good size for me and DD but had it remained the two rooms it once was, it would have made two pokey sized spaces.

invest in your sons future by helping him establish himself outside of his childhood home. This isn't a battle between your son and H, it's about making the best of what you've got.

Your son's first atempt at leaving the nest didn't work out but there will be a next time. Making permanent changes to accommodate a temporary position, makes no logical sense.

tryingtofindausername · 28/01/2015 07:12

He's only 20. Yes, an adult, but a very young one and dealing with his first heartbreak/relationship fail. I don't think it's at all unusual for the OP to want to offer as much support as he needs.

I would also question his job, though. It's not a good idea for him to give this up and move away. Ideally he needs support in keeping his existing life going as much as possible. Can you support him in finding a room in shared house near there? And have him to visit for a week or so (and lots of phone calls).

If he is coming back home, then I wouldn't rush into any permanent solutions. He'll be absolutely fine on the sofa for a couple of months while he gets his head together and makes some decisions on his future. Your husband is right in saying he may well be moving out again quite quickly.

I do have a different view on dividing the living room at some point. My parents did this to create another bedroom (from what was not a big living room). He did it by by building a wooden shelving unit right across and adding a door at one end. My sister also divided her living room to create a bedroom at one point. There are some creative ways to do it that aren't necessarily permanent alterations to the structure. Even a stud wall is pretty flimsy and easily taken down. Last house I lived in had a stud wall dividing room into living room/dining room, we had it taken out, it took a couple of hours and we didn't even have to redecorate or anything, it had even been built over the top of the carpet so that didn't need replacing. It's not such a big deal as most posters on here are making out.

Catzeyess · 28/01/2015 07:42

You are kicking your partner of 12 years out because he won't partition the living room to make your adult son a bedroom

For that you are being very unreasonable.

Wanting to help your son out, let him sleep on the sofa temporarily while he looks for work and a flat share is totally reasonable.

overslept · 28/01/2015 08:26

OP I don't think you are in the wrong here, of course you want to help your son, if parents didn't there would be a lot more homeless young adults! I can see your partners stance as well though, it's a lot of upheaval to partition a room on a very temporary basis and after you have been together for 12 years it is most certainly his home too now.

How much were you estimating the cost to be for the materials and work to partition the living room? Could you instead spend the money helping your son by helping towards the cost of a bedsit/shared house, I'm not sure what the damage deposit is like for these places. I'm not sure if you have said if he is working or not but if he isn't, while he finds employment he could claim jsa and some housing benefit to help pay for his room. If he was struggling for money as job seekers allowance is very little he could perhaps still pop to your house for dinner?

sincitylover · 28/01/2015 09:23

It's great if 18+ can be independent but I do think that in the UK/western society we have a weird view of family. Kick 'em out ASAP! There's no pulling together.

With the current housing crisis we might need to rethink a lot of those attitudes!

I would let him stay for a while whilst having a sensible conversation about future plans

gamerchick · 28/01/2015 09:39

It's not the coming home that's the problem. Its the kick the husband out in a petulant strop because he won't change the house to accommodate it. I would be feeling well insecure if my husband told me to leave because I wouldn't do as I'm told.

You can have your kid come home for a bit without starting building work and the inevitable redecorating.

stitch10yearson · 28/01/2015 09:42

splitting up with your partner over this is ridiculous and childish.

a 20yr old can sleep on the sofa. or quite frankly, he can stick with his relationship until he can find a place to sleep. What he doesn't need is his mom to go all pfb and nuclear.

sebsmummy1 · 28/01/2015 09:48

I don't think you are wrong to welcome your son home but I wouldn't be partitioning the living room.

Agree with everyone else that a temp bed in the living room whilst he looks for a house share would be the best scenario.

sebsmummy1 · 28/01/2015 09:50

I've known plenty of families who have the teenage child living in a caravan on the drive. I assume that's not possible?

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 28/01/2015 09:54

He's 20. He can and should be trying to support himself. Fine to sleep on the sofa for a couple of months while he sorts out a job and a flat share, but to move back in permanently? I can't see why he would need to, barring special needs of some kind.

Floggingmolly · 28/01/2015 10:03

The fact that he's 20 and capable of living independently is a bit of a red herring, really. The fact is he was living in the house until last year, presumably you all fit, so how can it be that there're no room now?

I won't even comment on why people continue to have more children than they can actually accommodate on the basis that the older ones will soon move out to make space

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 28/01/2015 10:06

To be fair, they don't have too many children. This is a grown man who could reasonably be expected to sort himself out.

LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 28/01/2015 10:07

My DP's have always said we will have a home with them and I will always say that to my DC.

Could you make the additional room a play room with a bed settee in so everyone's a winner?

gamerchick · 28/01/2015 10:07

Ah man I would love a caravan in the drive.

GraysAnalogy · 28/01/2015 10:12

I used to have a caravan on the back land of our house, I lived in that when I split up from my ex

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