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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

son has nowhere to go

173 replies

mykidscome1st · 27/01/2015 20:01

i desperately need some advice,my 20 year old son moved out just under a year ago into a flat with his gf,its miles away,they are splitting up and he wants to come home, we have 3 other children at home,and live in a 3 bed house, the room my other son is in is too small for him never mind sharing it with the 20 year old,our living room is quite large so ive asked my husband to half it properly and make my son a bedroom downstairs,hes not having none of it,so my son now has nowhere to sleep, me and oh have been arguing about this for days now,and ive had enough,my children will always come first no matter what,so I told my husband to leave,weve been together 12 years so I don't really want it to come to this,why is he being so god damn unreasonable

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 27/01/2015 20:28

mykids, I have young adult sons who are no longer living at home. If they had to come home I would welcome them back but wouldn't reorganise the house because I would know for sure they would be off again at the soonest opportunity. It's natural at that age to want independence. And if I read this correctly your younger children are much younger that the son returning? I'm sorry but I think he will find it hard to readjust to young family life and will be off like a shot.

There may be other reasons for ending your marriage but frankly this sounds mad. Welcome your son on the proviso that you are all a bit squashed and he will be on the sofa to see how it goes. He will make other arrangements regardless of you wrecking both your house and your marriage.

hamptoncourt · 27/01/2015 20:28

Why doesn't DS have anywhere to go? I would allow him to kip on the sofa for a few weeks but why can't he flat/house share with friends?

Does he not work?

Kewcumber · 27/01/2015 20:28

It's NOT good for adult children to be treated like babies

Unexpected · 27/01/2015 20:29

Your son is 20. Regardless of whether he was in a relationship or not, your home was too small for all of you. Either he would have had to move out or your youngest would have continued to share your room. Yes, you need to take care of him short-term but not to the extent of dividing your living room. A stud wall is not going to solve anything because it won't prevent sound from travelling between rooms. Either you will be keeping him awake or he will drive you mad playing music when you are trying to wind down.

VadaSultanfuss · 27/01/2015 20:29

Think you might be rushing into things because your DS is going through a hard time and you've obviously really missed him. He's had his heart broken for the first time and naturally he wants to come back to his family and naturally you are really worried about him.

However, he is 20 and he WILL get over the break up in time. I think by moving out he was showing you that he is spreading his wings to leave the family home. I definitely think you should let him stay on the sofa while he gets over this setback but I also think you should encourage him to keep standing on his own two feet. If you can support him emotionally or financially and give him a leg up at all I think this would be better for all of you?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/01/2015 20:29

Why can't he kip on the sofa? You can't possibly convert your living room into a bedroom for him, that's a ridiculous idea. You either rejig the bedrooms and put your youngest back in with you, or let him sleep on the sofa, or move house to accommodate him! If he needs to get on his feet that's fine but by this point he shouldn't be expecting to stay with you for long or move back in really.

Lorelei353 · 27/01/2015 20:30

Surely your DS can find a house share to move into so it is only temporary. I'm sure he can get by in the living room temporarily. Get a cheap blow up mattress from Argos or something. It seems like an awful lot of trouble and expense for an adult who can live elsewhere.

AdoraBell · 27/01/2015 20:33

Why do you think he will not be leaving soon? Does he not like the idea of being independent?

willowisp · 27/01/2015 20:33

I think at 20 , after your DS has been living with a GF he is more than capable of finding himself somewhere else to live & getting on with his life.

Have him round for Sunday lunch if he's lonely.

GettingFiggyWithIt · 27/01/2015 20:36

Actually if a friend can put up a stud wall for you then I would go with YANBU

It's a good idea to have a spare anyway as the two girls sharing might end up having different needs depending on age gap
Irrespective of independence it's nice to have a fallback position
If it can be a playroom if ds goes then it's a win- win, all the mess partitioned off and you and dh snuggle up in living room.

AbbyCadabby · 27/01/2015 20:37

I think the husband is being mean. 20 is so young still. My door will always be open to my children. It's not babying them, but providing a home when they need one.
OP, can you buy one of those room dividers, www.ebay.co.uk/bhp/room-divider rather than halve the room 'properly'. It's far from ideal, but looks like you just don't have the space for more. If I were 20, I'd be grateful for the roof over my head, even if it was slumming it a little. Gives him a little time to save to rent elsewhere, I'm sure he doesn't want to be home too long either.

Original poster

mykidscome1st · 27/01/2015 20:38

thanks all,seems im in the wrong as per lol

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 27/01/2015 20:39

I think it is babying him. Help him find a house share.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 27/01/2015 20:41

I would never ever say no to my kids returning, even if they were older than your son. My husband and myself were both chucked out aged 18 and had nowhere to go back to - it caused us both a lot of harm in many ways. I wouldn't split the living room in half though. Just put a sofa bed in and he can keep his things in someone's bedroom. Also, I would try to patch it up with your husband too.

noddyholder · 27/01/2015 20:41

Its not babying him its supporting your child It might be nice for him and his siblings and he could help out with childcare and cooking etc

Joysmum · 27/01/2015 20:41

Whilst I wouldn't want to see my child homeless, there's no way on earth I'd partition a front room.

Whilst you may get the stud wall for free, both rooms would need decorating and all that disruption would leave you with permanent changes to the house that don't improve it

Then, your son would move out as soon as he could anyway!

Why not pop up hooks for a curtain and bung in a Z bed if the sofa isn't good enough?

Kewcumber · 27/01/2015 20:41

Is your husband saying your son can't come home AT ALL? = unreasonable
Or that he won't spend time and money botching up a room for him? = reasonable

noddyholder · 27/01/2015 20:42

mistlewoe me too. I can't tell you what that insecurity did to me and my siblings. I see a real confidence in my close friends whose parents always had an open door and a really good relationship now that they are older.

Fontella · 27/01/2015 20:46

My son moved back home and I'd taken over his bedroom while he'd lived away as my office/studio. To be honest, I wasn't keen to give it up, having worked out of a corner of my own bedroom for years.

So he moved back on the condition he'd have to sleep in the lounge, but I didn't partition it off!! Bit drastic isn't it, at least until you know for sure he's going to be staying long term?

We just got a really neat camp bed/futon type effort which folded away in the broom cupboard and we'd get it out at night and set up in the lounge, and away it would go in the morning. He had wardrobe space upstairs and all his stuff was put away. He'd get changed in the bathroom or the downstairs washroom and managed perfectly well.

If my son wasn't in by the time I went to bed I'd sometimes get it all set up ready for him all cosy, depending how I felt. If not, he'd do it himself
when he got in. He was really comfortable down there - it had a good mattress and we put an extra duvet underneath to bolster it up a bit, nice bedding and lots of pillows and he said it was more comfy than his 'proper' bed.

He slept like that for several months and it was fine. He was supposed to be going to uni, but decided he wanted to wait a a year and work get some money together, so at that point I did move my stuff out of his room and give him his bedroom back. He started uni last September.

Why don't you make do for a bit and see how it goes? If your son is staying long term, then maybe think again in a few months' time about partitioning off part of the room.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 27/01/2015 20:46

I agree with Gettingfiggy

IsabeauMichelle · 27/01/2015 20:48

Yes, that's the question I asked Kewcumber

OP, has your dh said he doesn't want him back at all?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 27/01/2015 20:50

If he moved miles away, presumably his job was also miles away. Has he jacked it in? Is he commuting?

Want2bSupermum · 27/01/2015 20:51

Are you being a bit over protective here? At 20 your son is either working or studying or a bit of both. If studying I think your son should stay in the town he is in and rent a room in a house. If working he should also stay in the town he is in and apply for jobs where you live and move back home once he has a job. Once he gets his first months pay he can get his own place.

If he is in the middle of studies he needs to stay put until he finishes unless he really doesn't want to study anymore. In which case he needs to find a job ASAP in your town.

Your DH is upset because you want him to do something which is expensive and not necessary. I think at 20 it is time to cut the cord if working FT. If a student that is different and I think support should be provided until studies are finished. IMO you are putting your DC who is 20 above your DH. It isn't that you shouldn't support your DC but you should consult and listen to your DH.

anothernumberone · 27/01/2015 20:57

Op I don't think you are in the wrong at all. I moved back into my parents house twice on a temporary basis after I finished college/university at 22 and 25 both times after living away on my own. They were as Dr Phil says my soft place to fall. I paid my upkeep but still had the opportunity to save for deposits to move out as soon as I could.

I would not change the sitting room but I would change the bedroom arrangements temporarily until your ds gets back in his feet. I would be disgusted if my DH did not temporarily let one of our kids back in the house but thSt is not remotely likely to happen he is wrapped around their fingers.

WrappedInABlankie · 27/01/2015 20:58

Why doesn't he go to the council - emergency housing? Find somewhere to rent, flat share, sofa surf etc? Doesn't he have a job by the GF?

Why does your DH and the rest of the family have to lose half the front room if he can't sleep on a sofa bed, surely that would be cheaper?

Surely you could take the money you'd spend on the wall, decorating, furniture everything and use that as a deposit somewhere?

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