son has nowhere to go

[mykidscome1st]

i desperately need some advice,my 20 year old son moved out just under a year ago into a flat with his gf,its miles away,they are splitting up and he wants to come home, we have 3 other children at home,and live in a 3 bed house, the room my other son is in is too small for him never mind sharing it with the 20 year old,our living room is quite large so ive asked my husband to half it properly and make my son a bedroom downstairs,hes not having none of it,so my son now has nowhere to sleep, me and oh have been arguing about this for days now,and ive had enough,my children will always come first no matter what,so I told my husband to leave,weve been together 12 years so I don't really want it to come to this,why is he being so god damn unreasonable

Sofa while he gets himself sorted. Major house renovations aren't the answer, although they would probably help your DH to understand his place in the pecking order.

On another issue that intrigues me: "Id like him to be married to a nice clean lady"

What are your criteria? Do you use swabs?

Those aren't major renovations at all Half a day would do it and then you can decorate as and when. It would be useful in future as he may come and go for a while and you have pther children who might like a den r something

It's got nothing to do with a bloody sofa bed, I don't want crap cluttering up the place, or whether or not you agree with me, I asked y doing a room was a problem, and now it's turned into my sons a down n out I treat my children like babies and I'm not a nice person because of my husband lol , thanks!!

I think life is hard these days for young people as there is little support to be 'independent'. I left home when I was 18 and have been independent since then but when I had a serious illness last year at almost 40 it was my mum and dad who dropped everything to support me (along with my DH). I would always support my children in life whatever age they were. But I would encourage them to find a career they would enjoy and fulfil their potential and make functional relationships with friends/partner. I would work on your OH and make it clear that it is a temporary solution while your DS gets back on his feet. You also need your DS to know that he needs to make an effort to sort himself out.

I would rejig the bedrooms and let him stay for a short while. But cutting your living room in half and all squashing in (with four kids!) is madness.

Your son made a mistake and I believe in a hand up at times- so I don't think giving him a place to sleep, while he tries to get back on his college course or get a job and rebuild his life is a bad thing, but giving him half the living space without any conditions or expectations he'll step up may just end up making him more dependent.

I think there's a middle way here between your way and your husband's way but you seem stuck in a bad row and neither wants to back down. Why not say to him- I'd like to offer my son a bed for a while, where do you suggest if not the living room?

It seems a bit drastic to deprive your other children of their dad and yourself of your marriage because your 20 year old went chasing after some woman and got in a mess!

No I don't need swabs to tell she absolutely stinks I've got a nose

Well...I responded earlier that dividing a room can be a practical solution and it's happened several time in my own family. And to support you in wanting to help a 20 year old, who is still a very young adult.

However

you do baby your children if you keep giving them handouts all the time after they've left home. Occasional help in an emergency, yes we all do that, but continual financial support isn't good for you or them.

And to throw your husband out in a fit of 'no man ever tells me what to do' is awful. You are married. You are partners. If you can't agree then you discuss and see if there is a compromise. If there isn't, you still work out a solution one way or the other. You don't just tell them 'my way or the highway'.

Anyway, the house may be in your name but it is now also a marital asset and having been married for 12 years, your husband also has some claim on its value. Think about that one.

I have a daughter aged 22 who lives at home.she works but does not get paid much. she doesn't want to live at home forever but not would I ever tell her she didn't have a home with us. that's family

I would allow him home, I would probably do the room seperation thing too as this will give you a spare room for future use but I would be talking to him about planning his future, can he finish his college course? Can he get help with his confidence for job interviews? (the job centre do courses).

I would sit down with your husband and calmy ask him why he is against your Son moving back in, he may have valid reasons that you haven't thought of and this might be a good way of agreeing ground rules with your Son? I wouldn't be too hasty in dismissing his views or feelings.

Good Luck OP.

bloomin heck OP what hard time you are being given for wanting to provide a bed for your son. He is still young by todays standards to be living away from home anyway. fggs

Some people on here seem to have had their apron strings cut very young and remain traunmatised by it all and project this fury when given a chance.

A stud wall can easily be removed after he gets on his feet or the room converted.

you have to be female and pregnant to get anywhere

That doesn't guarantee it, you know.

So- is your husband saying no to him coming home at all, or no to the division of the living room?

I think there's a big difference, one has lots of solutions, the other not so much.

If you are married, as others have said, he will have some claim on the house if you divorced but as you would likely be the resident parent, they would have to wait til youngest is not dependent any more I think (not sure).

I no ye, I must be just a very bad person the extra space would be great as our gym room or a kids play room after if he ended up leaving again

His crap everywhere?

OP are you planning on it being a short stay or you think years down the line he's 40 and you'll still living under one roof?

Why can't his "crap" go in one of the others wardrobe or in a suitcase in the cupboard?

How big is your living room? If you're going to turn one decent size room to two box rooms then imo it's madness he's not a delicate flower he's a grown man who had a girlfriend that was obviously not to your standards for your precious boy made a mistake and now has no money, job, college or a place to live.

You've admitted to giving him hands out so why not give him one more and get him a flat share? A couple months rent bides him time to find a job. If he can't bides him time to get down the job centre sign on and get housing benefit to he can.

But you make me think that you don't want him to do that you want him in the house and to hell with your husband of 12 years for objecting.

OP hasn't actually said that her D(?)H doesn't want her son moving back in (though no doubt she'll come back now and claim this is true.

Her H doesn't want her to split the living room so he's out.

Her way or the highway!

And no I wouldn't see my see sleeping in an underpass MmeCasta but I would at least be trying to find a compromise between all 4 of my children and my DH not just throwing DH out because he doesn't agree.

To be fair OP - you sound much happier at the idea of your DS moving back in and your DH moving out so I'm not sure what you're asking - maybe there is more going on here.

He would just leave if I wanted him too he wound t start on having half of this or that, I've still got the others, I wouldnt chuck him out anyway I think I was just angry when I wrote that bit

And I wouldnt claim anything thank you I am not a liar, my husband has not said no he is not coming back, but you can tell he's extremely unhappy bout it

Your poor husband! There would be an outcry if a man threw out his wife because she didnt want to modify her house to enable her adult stepchild to live and sponge off them.

While its right that your child comes first, its best if they try and find their own feet. I dont think you were unreasonable to ask your child to stay, but you are unreasonable to try and modify the house and kick out your husband. As a partnership you need to come to a comprimise, not to kick someone out when they do not agree with you.

Your child can stay on the sofa, or a blow up bed in a room someplace. Its not impossible and Im sure there is room somewhere. It needs to be temporary, eg 6 months till he finds a job and somewhere to stay. While he stays he needs to help out and be a useful member of the household. I hope you will ensure he helps you.

It wasnt fair for your husband to be kicked out though. You went too far here. Apologise to him and take him back, and then reach a comprimise.

Also, its not fair to call his ex a trollop, you arent making yourself sound like a nice person there.

op i fully understand i too would put my child first and i dont care what anyone says!!

andsmile

I don't think many of us are traumatised by having the apron strings cut, we're just living in the real world and know that it's important to stand on your own two feet. Spending some time at home on the sofa bed isn't the issue here - OP seems to think it's a permanent move requiring redecoration, and the son has no work or college to suggest he'll need to move out any time soon. I can understand where the DH is coming from entirely.

OP what college course was your son doing? Could he go back to that? It would give him something to work towards which would do wonders for him in terms of self esteem and confidence.

Keep him on your sofa by all means, while he finds his feet again, but I wouldn't go to the trouble of making him a special room of his own

I moved back home at 18 following a serious back injury in a rta and had to share a room with my little sister who was 11, as my 13yo sister had already moved into my room. It was made very clear to me that while I'd have a bed, a roof over my head and a warm welcome, I wouldn't be disrupting my family by making them move rooms. And I had to pay my way too. Moved out again as soon as I had recovered and was working again.

My Dad moved back in with his mother following my parents' divorce, he was in his 40s, but she had spare bedrooms. And again, it was only while he finalised divorce/house sale arrangements, then he was off again. I don't see anything wrong with that, as long as there is enough room and it doesn't disrupt the rest of the family.

I will always accommodate my children if they need it. Its what I was willing to do when I decided to have children. However when I can clearly see the benefits of them finding a house share and a job/returning to study, vs. staying at home and doing nothing, I would be strongly encouraging them to move on by providing any support necessary, for example getting a driving licence = more potential jobs, use of the computer and printer, stuff like that.

You're going to have him back regardless so I am not sure why you're asking MN