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Original poster

son has nowhere to go

173 replies

mykidscome1st · 27/01/2015 20:01

i desperately need some advice,my 20 year old son moved out just under a year ago into a flat with his gf,its miles away,they are splitting up and he wants to come home, we have 3 other children at home,and live in a 3 bed house, the room my other son is in is too small for him never mind sharing it with the 20 year old,our living room is quite large so ive asked my husband to half it properly and make my son a bedroom downstairs,hes not having none of it,so my son now has nowhere to sleep, me and oh have been arguing about this for days now,and ive had enough,my children will always come first no matter what,so I told my husband to leave,weve been together 12 years so I don't really want it to come to this,why is he being so god damn unreasonable

OP posts:
noddyholder · 28/01/2015 10:14

If you have the room it sounds a good idea. Mind you I have a 20 yr old and know many and none can afford to rent atm and most graduates I know are working in bars etc My son and his mates congregate in our house in teh holidays and they all plan to move back home after uni I think it gives them breathing space and time to look for wrk etc. It won't be forever I'm sure as once they have the independence of living away they probably find house rules a bit stifling

Original poster
mykidscome1st · 28/01/2015 10:27

He hasnt a job or at college, he gave up on his 3 year college course half way threw to move in with the Trollop, she is 10 years older than him, and rents her own flat, they are constantly on at me to give them money and I do, so I will be saving loads anyway when he comes home, when I was a teenager I shared a room with my sister, my mum n dad split there living room For me to have my own space, it was great,not a messy job and done within hrs, it's me that decorates in my house and it's my money that buys it all, I decorate and change things quite a lot, I don't no why I think I just get bored of it, my hubby wouldnt have to do a thing or pay for any of it, it would be done cleaned up job done before he even got home from work, I still even after the comments do not c a problem, one of you said chucking husband out like a stray dog , but I'm supposed to do that to my own child ? He moved out it wasn't for him so he's coming home , it's not babying him it's call parenting, you dont stop being a parent just cus they grew up, I no blokes still at home with mum over 40 years old

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 28/01/2015 10:40

Usually I'd say open arms for kids whatever the age...

But he's a drop out who doesn't work, lives off his girlfriend and pumps you for money?

Nope.

You'd be doing him a kindness not just stepping in to clear up that mess.

gamerchick · 28/01/2015 10:43

Sounds like your husband has got his measure and maybe trying to save you being walked all over.

Kewcumber · 28/01/2015 10:44

If you know you are right and you'd rather throw the father of your other children out than compromise then why did you ask us?

I too know blokes at home with their mother at 40, and at 50 and no doubt when their mother dies they'll be single old men unable to look after themselves and single. If that happens will you consider that a good job of parenting well done?

There is a point at which your parenting role changes from providing to support. I'm not sure if that's 18 or 20 or 25 but throwing out your husband for disagreeing with you is ridiculous.

But at least he knows where he stands now "Everything is mine and if you disagree then bugger off".

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 28/01/2015 10:47

He's 20. Not a child. He needs to sort out his own mess.

When I moved into my rented flat with OH when I was pregnant, the understanding from my parents was that I couldn't just expect to move back in and have my own room and everything like it was before if it all fell apart.

It's part of being an adult.

gobbynorthernbird · 28/01/2015 10:51

So your son can't be arsed working or studying? If that were my DC they wouldn't be homeless, but they certainly wouldn't be made comfortable enough to stay long term.

Original poster
mykidscome1st · 28/01/2015 10:56

He's a drop who lives off his gfriend? Shes on the dole and plays computer games all day she does no housework and her flat stinks, my son is out daily looking for work he's had loads of interviews but is really shy and clams up when they ask him stuff so he ends up not getting the job, as for my husband he's known from day one that I will not be told what I can and can't do by a man, he's known that my children will come first to me no matter what the situation, as for the other kids not having there father at home he does nothing for them anyway it's all me

OP posts:
TheWildRumpyPumpus · 28/01/2015 10:56

Your DH obviously realises that your lazy layabout son will move in and be sat around the house all day with no intentions of getting a job, studying or looking after himself.

What sensible parent thinks that having their 40 year old son still living at home would be a positive thing?

WrappedInABlankie · 28/01/2015 10:57

So she's a trollup?

And your kids is a 20 year old drop out, no job, no responsibilities and you regularly fund him. So really your encouraging your DC to not change his ways and continue to live this way.

Why don't you send your son to the council to find housing? Tell him to get a job or return back to studying? It's not like your son is a stray dog he's a grown adult who left the already cramped house to be "independent" but was allowed to live free by the girlfriend and get money from you.

You're not really helping him

You've chucked your husband out like Bag of rubbish. I feel sorry for him!

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 28/01/2015 10:58

I will not be told what I can and can't do by a man

But he has to be told what he can and can't do by you? Rather than discussing it sensibly and objectively, like adults?

Original poster
mykidscome1st · 28/01/2015 11:02

No he don't have to he noes where the door is

OP posts:
Madamecastafiore · 28/01/2015 11:02

I think you are lovely. My parents would have seen me sleeping in an underpass before having me home again. Do what you think is right.

Original poster
mykidscome1st · 28/01/2015 11:04

If the council would give my son a property id send him, but they don't just dish out housing now days, you have to be female and pregnant to get anywhere

OP posts:
KatelynB · 28/01/2015 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PatriciaHolm · 28/01/2015 11:05

I feel a bit sorry for your husband here. Are all your kids babied to this extent? He's looking down the barrel of another 40 years of living with kids who have never been allowed to take responsibility for themselves! Grown men living at home at 40 isn't a thing to be admired!

Your kids come first, we all get that. No one is expecting you to see your son on the streets. But he's a man, at that age many of us were living independently studying or working; he needs to make some sort of effort to do the same. If he comes home, that's it - he'll be there for good. Which you I suspect will secretly love because it proves no one is as good as you and no woman will be good enough for him; and may well result in your younger kids losing their dad when he finally realises how you will never let up.

Give him a safety net, but for your sons sake, make it explicitly temporary. Though I don't think you are capable of that to be honest.

Bowlersarm · 28/01/2015 11:05

You aren't being unreasonable to want to look out for your son, at 20 he's still young.

It sounds like you don't have the space to house him permanently, but he could stay on your sofa until he sorts something out himself.

Original poster
mykidscome1st · 28/01/2015 11:08

Ahh thank you madamecastafiore

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/01/2015 11:09

OP I know he's your son but I think you're blinkered. What will your sons life be if he moves in with you? What are his plans and aspirations?

For what it's worth I know blokes who are still living with thier mothers in thier 40s and they're lazy, spoilt arseholes who no woman would go near.

KatelynB · 28/01/2015 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 28/01/2015 11:11

He would be more likely to be able to find a job if he had stuck at his college course.

I can't see why your son can't take responsiblity for his own life and sort out his own housing. You need to stop giving him money too.

If shyness is preventing him getting work, he needs to find an Overcoming Shyness course to help him.

WrappedInABlankie · 28/01/2015 11:14

" he doesn't have to he knows where the door is"

Really? You've been married for 12 years and it's your way or get out! you sound lovely OPHmm

They can put him on the council list, they give him a list of others who accept housing benefit and places that offers to let rooms out in house shares. Then you need to send him to the job centre so he can look for work.

Your whole family loosing half the living room because you feel your son is to precious to have a sofa bed is madness

WeeBridie · 28/01/2015 11:15

With the best will in the world it really is time you practiced a bit of tough love on both you and your son. You're not doing either of you any favours. Really.

Original poster
mykidscome1st · 28/01/2015 11:16

He would no way be lounging about all day here, he does look for jobs and he will not be staying here for nothing, He had an excellent future ahead of him but gave it all up for a woman, I do not want him stil living at home at 40 Id like him to be married to a nice clean lady and have kids of there own, I get kids fly the nest and none of my kids are babyied, I asked one question why is it unreasonable, so basically most of u are saying it's unreasonable cus kids should of left by that age, I get it thanks

OP posts:
WeeBridie · 28/01/2015 11:20

so basically most of u are saying it's unreasonable cus kids should of left by that age

No, thats not what Im saying, and neither is it how we live as a family. But, at your sons age I would have expected my children to a bit more sorted in general than your boy is.