coping with mean FIL staying with us after MIL death

[purplemooncat]

Sorry quite a bit of background but I will try to keep it short.

So I met my PILs just after I got engaged to my DH. They live overseas and don't really like to travel and DH and I were always working and trying to save money so I didn't meet them before this. Just before we met DH warned me FIL was difficult and probably wouldn't like me. They have lots of money and have very high standards I am from a poor background and my father was in and out of jail. FIL took against from the moment we met he had basically run a background check on me to find out about my past before he met me and wasn't impressed.

3 years on and things haven't improved they came to our wedding and visited once or twice but FIL doesn't bother trying to be civil and I have always just remained polite and hoped that he would try for DH and MILs sake.
But he can't see passed my background.

So MIL passed away last week it all happened very quickly and FIL didn't contact us till she had passed. We flew out for the funeral and FIL asked if he could stay with us as he was upset and lonely. We said yes because he has just lost his wife and because DH asked me if we could as he would like to be closer to his father now his mum is gone.

But the man is so bloody impossible. I drove us 4 hours to the airport and another 2 to get to our house when we landed and the only thing he would say was that I drove like a woman. I kept apologizing but in the end I just said sorry but I am a woman. Which made him huff because I was sarcastic which upset DH because his dad was upset. He has been here 4 days and I just hate my own home.

Yesterday I was in work and he called me to ask me when I was making dinner. I said I was in work but DH was there to make something or order takeaway. He said DH was already looking for food to make but as the woman I should be there doing it.

He asks why I haven't given him grand children yet even though he knows that I can't conceive because I was in hospital last year after a bad accident and DH called MIL because he was worried and he told her at the time that I wouldn't be able to have children now and she told FIL about all this. Yet he just claims we aren't trying hard enough.

I have left the house today to see a friend and DH has just text me asking me to come home as FIL has broken "something" important and I just don't bloody want to go and try and be nice to him and pretend whatever happens is no big deal even if it is for DHs sake.

I am fed up. Please give me some tips to deal with this for DHs sake please.

how are things today, OP ?

Gosh, OP, I am so sorry. I think you dealt with an impossible situation really bravely. I'm glad you and your DP can be together through this. Your FIL sounds so unhinged that I wonder if there is something wrong with him beyond simply anger associated with grief and loss (?dementia).

Please don't throw the picture away. I used to work in a museum, and conservators can fix almost anything. I am sure that a specialist could restore it to a very high standard - I realise that it might sound odd saying that for an object like this, but it has such obvious sentimental value that I am sure you could explain.

Oh you poor thing OP I can't begin to imagine how much that must hurt. Words fail me.

I think youve handled this brilliantly - walking away may have saved you saying things you'll later regret. It seems perfectly appropriate to refuse to see FIL again seeing as he is so he'll bent on upsetting his son.

It sounds like your DH is trying hard too.

Wishing you a good resolution for this.

I'm so sorry, OP. What an awful thing to do. This man is loathsome. Also, I can't get past a thing you said in your OP - that FIL didn't contact your DH until after his mother had died. I know you said it was fast, but are we talking a sudden accident or massive heart attack-type fast where she died almost immediately? Because otherwise not telling his son sounds pathologically unfeeling...

I wondered if fil has a bit of dementia coming on.

He can't bear to be alone and is lonely. This sounds odd coming from an adult male with all his buttons sewn on.

Most men stoically accept the end of the relationship while they juggle their lives around as best they can.

He rooted through a cabinet. Again that can be the behaviour of a dementia client. Looking , but not knowing what they are looking for and destroying what they find because theyve lost all sense of boundaries.

He's clung to his son even though there's never been a good relationship as that's the only straw on the horizon.

He's lost all his boundaries...as they do.

Just a thought but that's what I felt when I read about his totally weird behaviour .

Dementia or not, bereaved or not ....as you know no one has the right to abuse you.

Good for you for removing yourself from the situation and I think your little brother guardian angel came to the rescue.

Has he gone purple ?

I hope he has gone.

What a vile man.

for him to be saying oh shit I've gone too far is actually quite chilling. It is evidence that he knows exactly what he is and has been doing and has been deliberately and calculatedly and abusively pushing you as far as he thought he could get away with.

I read mix56's post "Has he gone purple" and wondered briefly if I'd missed a post from you asking for tips on strangling him.

Hope you're ok.

So did I, Nearas!

I was wondering if it was purple with rage!

:o)

Hello puprple

I am sorry that you are having problems

I have seen "normal people" do very strange things after a sudden death and it can take several months to get back to some sort of normality. Everyone handles grief differently, going through the sad, angry, lost, shock phases.

I would suggest for the short term to take what your FIL does & says with "a pinch of salt" and not take things too personally

On the practical side, if your FIL can drive why cant he hire a car, while he is visiting ?

Ref food, if you are at work during the day, I would suggest leaving FIL soup, sandwiches, eggs & suggest he can join you for the evening meal.
If he does not usually cook, perhaps one of you can show him how to cook some basic meals to help him when he returns home. Although, ready meals are available now...

I would suggest that you partner finds out how long he is staying. Then your partner can perhaps organise a visit to his country (you dont have to go)

Does FIL have any other friends or family that can pop in to keep an eye on him over the next few months ? if not perhaps your partner can phone, email, skype ?

I would keep communication to a minimum and let your partner do the majority. Some practical things may need to be put in place to help your FIL.

Good luck and be kind to yourself

fluffapuss WTAF!

Grief hasn't induced a personality change in this man, the death of his wife has only given him access to pull this kinda of shit.

How do you take someone wilfully destroying something so precious?

PINCH OF SALT MY ARSE!

fluffapuss go into your mumsnet settings to highlight the OP's posts a different colour.

I don't think you can have seen her update at 25/1, 22:12.

Op I'm so sorry. I do kind of agree with the poster who talked about early onset dementia. I wondered....

Anyway, hope you and DP find a way through.

Love and strength
X

"I have gone too far" - he is not dementing. He knows exactly what he is doing, except it has apparently backfired this time. What a bastard.

What a shitstain. I am so sorry OP. I hope he's gone and that you and your DH are ok.

He could be still. You don't go from normal to demented over night. It's a gradual splintering.

Either way extremely hurtful.

Just read this. Speechless.

While FIL might possibly have dementia he appears to be conforming to his normal pattern of rude and controlling behaviour. His overstepping of boundaries is not new and is not in itself likely to indicate anything other than that he is unpleasant to the Max. And grief does not excuse or explain his behaviour re the treasured possession.

Do not provide him with soup and sarnies! He can go to a local cafe or buy a ready made meal and heat it up.

He sounds horrendous OP - and he definitely sounds like he knew what he was doing if he was able to mutter about having gone too far... I hope that the suggestions the other posters have made about seeing it as your little brother looking out for you and helping to rid you of fil for ever a long time will help you to come to terms with what he did...

If dh has never been close to his dad and fil has never been or wanted to be close to your dh before - sounds to me like he wanted to come to your house to be looked after by you and dh, now that your mil is no longer there to look after him. I bet he doesn't want to do his cooking or washing or cleaning as he sees them as beneath him and so figured that he would let you do them instead.

As for insulting you with things like 'driving like a woman' - next time, remember to point out that actually it's a compliment as women are statistically much safer drivers than men. And if you ever see him again - I'd be tempted to turn everything negative he said to me or dh into a positive and his side into a negative. Might be passive aggressive but would be one way of getting through!

And although he may well be upset at mil's death - I bet he plans on using it as a mechanism to get what he wants, when he wants it because he knows that it is a really big deal and nobody normal or nice wants to be unkind to someone that has been recently bereaved. It's just he never bothered to get to know you enough to know that you lost a brother when young and that's one of the few things that you also can't be unkind about - he knows where those boundaries are because he plans on exploiting them as much as possible

Hugs and here's hoping that you never need to see him again...

I am dumbstruck at this man's rudeness. Hope you're coping.

It doesn't matter a shit that he didn't realise. This was vile behaviour designed to deliberately hurt you.

You have every night never to be in the same room as this man again.