coping with mean FIL staying with us after MIL death

[purplemooncat]

Sorry quite a bit of background but I will try to keep it short.

So I met my PILs just after I got engaged to my DH. They live overseas and don't really like to travel and DH and I were always working and trying to save money so I didn't meet them before this. Just before we met DH warned me FIL was difficult and probably wouldn't like me. They have lots of money and have very high standards I am from a poor background and my father was in and out of jail. FIL took against from the moment we met he had basically run a background check on me to find out about my past before he met me and wasn't impressed.

3 years on and things haven't improved they came to our wedding and visited once or twice but FIL doesn't bother trying to be civil and I have always just remained polite and hoped that he would try for DH and MILs sake.
But he can't see passed my background.

So MIL passed away last week it all happened very quickly and FIL didn't contact us till she had passed. We flew out for the funeral and FIL asked if he could stay with us as he was upset and lonely. We said yes because he has just lost his wife and because DH asked me if we could as he would like to be closer to his father now his mum is gone.

But the man is so bloody impossible. I drove us 4 hours to the airport and another 2 to get to our house when we landed and the only thing he would say was that I drove like a woman. I kept apologizing but in the end I just said sorry but I am a woman. Which made him huff because I was sarcastic which upset DH because his dad was upset. He has been here 4 days and I just hate my own home.

Yesterday I was in work and he called me to ask me when I was making dinner. I said I was in work but DH was there to make something or order takeaway. He said DH was already looking for food to make but as the woman I should be there doing it.

He asks why I haven't given him grand children yet even though he knows that I can't conceive because I was in hospital last year after a bad accident and DH called MIL because he was worried and he told her at the time that I wouldn't be able to have children now and she told FIL about all this. Yet he just claims we aren't trying hard enough.

I have left the house today to see a friend and DH has just text me asking me to come home as FIL has broken "something" important and I just don't bloody want to go and try and be nice to him and pretend whatever happens is no big deal even if it is for DHs sake.

I am fed up. Please give me some tips to deal with this for DHs sake please.

Older people can be nasty, I really feel for you hun.

Would FIL staying at a hotel be an option? then you all get a bit of space.

So he gets upset and huffy? Just yawn.

Uh oh, *passthewineplz', I give it about a minute before the ageism police get here.

Who cares if FIL gets upset and huffy? He's upsetting you. In your own home. Huffy is the passive-aggressive person's way of getting their own back. Don't bloody fall for it.

Make your mind up about how long you think you can tolerate this visit for and then open up a discussion with your husband. These open-ended arrangements are worse when you can't see the end of them. If you knew it was only going to be for another fortnight you might be able to put with it without killing him or throwing him out.

I do hope what he has broken isn't truly important to you. I'd be interested to hear what he broke and how he managed it.

I think you need to be clearer to your dh.
Say that you are not happy - obviously you want to be kind to someone recently bereaved, but there is no way you are going to be treated like that and that you would like to arrange to talk to him, away from FiL, today, or tomorrow, or some time very soon.

"I'm having some time away"
"He's free to join you if he wants" doesn't give the same message at all IMO.

Flora... you are extrapolating all sorts!

Ops DH has just lost his mum, his dad has asked for his company - sounds like that has never happened before, what would you expect a grieving son do for his dad?

OP has clearly explained enough history that this would seem to be a very odd as well as a sad tome for her DH. He is going to need a lot of support, and, whilst OP has every right to get truly pissy with FIL, who the hell would 1 week after his wife's death?

Purplemooncat, I hope you get the chance to talk to DH. He probably needs some time out too.

The 'broken thing' can wait, get yourself and DH sorted first. Having had to deal with SFIL after MILs death I do understand how hard it is to bite your tongue. But as you said, DH is in an unusual position and won't be able to be particularly clear in his thinking just yet.

Good luck.

urgh! no way would i allow someone with that kind of attitude to stay in my home without putting down some ground rules/boundaries. Looks like you need to do that with both your fil and your dh - what the hell is he doing ringing YOU because his dad broke something? has he suddenly lost his own brain cells or something?!

i'd be having words with the dh and telling him to find his backbone and deal with this monstrosity for a father - death or no death this is NOT an acceptable way to treat people. he is in YOUR house and you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration no matter what his own (sexist/misogynistic) personal beliefs are.

i'd also want to know how long fil is intending on staying for....you cannot live with this kind of negativity and stress for too long without it affecting you personally and your day to day life.

i'd also be telling dh that HE deals with 'picking up' after fil/cooking on demand etc...and keeping his language and behaviour towards you in check. If dh can't do it then YOU need to do it. Don't let either of them use mil death as an excuse to treat you like a doormat.

Whilst I agree that its early days after MILs death, he needs to be given some ground rules NOW, he may stay for ages, he may move back to live with you, or visit regularly, or buy a house next door...this behavior isn't going to go away.
He has decided he doesn't like you, you are not good enough for his son in his eyes, he is treating you with contempt.
Your OH is going to have to tell his D, that it is you that he loves, he chose you for wife, & that it is NOT going to be workable if he doesn't treat you with the same manners as he would anyone one else, after all, he has the upbringing !

You poor thing. I have a difficult parent, and the thought of her coming to stay fills me with horror.

As someone else suggested, I think it important that you ascertain/decide how long he's staying for. If you know the date he's leaving, it will give you something to look forward to. Also, if you don't put that boundary in place, he may just become a permanent house guest...

This could be your life for the next 20 yrs....

Do everything you can now to communicate and achieve a home together or sadly you might be ending by Xmas

And i agree with what Mix said. Just because he's grieving, doesn't give him an excuse to treat you like crap. I'd be nipping it in the bud now. He's a guest in you house ffs!

for you, you're a better person than me for putting up with him.

I wouldn't tolerate anyone talking to like that, bereavement or no bereavement

Stand up for yourself if your h won't or can't do it and if FIL doesn't like it he can bog off

to *me

I thought the op meant her FIL gets huffy, thats who I was talking about.

I think your DH is showing a complete lack of backbone here towards his father and his father's behaviour is reprehensible.

His father did a background check on your own family of origin; did your DH take him to task for doing that at the time?. Likely not.

It is also telling that he would like to be closer to his father now that his mother has gone but you cannot create a relationship that was likely never there in the first place. DH here seems to be trying to create memories of time spent with his dad at your overall expense.

He can pay as well for any breakages.

I suspect a week after his mum's death might be a bit too soon for him to think of that, though.

All OP needs to do at this point is make sure she and DH can and do talk!

I think you are doing great OP, it can't be easy, I know as my fil is quite a bit like this but not quite as bad.

I don't think its too bad to ask your dh how long your fil intends to stay, surely it won't be for long as he will have things to do at home.

I also think you should stand up for yourself, just a bit and let fil know you aren't taking his shit. You can do this without coming across as mean.

Your dh has lost his mum and is trying for what sounds like the final time to build/ mend bridges with his dad and unfortunately you are in the middle atm.

Don't be at fil beck and call but do what you can to support your dh, it must be really hard for him atm, keep talking to dh and keep channels of communication open as much as you can. Plan a meal or drink out, away from fil to talk.

Good luck to you and sorry you are faced with such unpleasantness in your own home.

There's nothing that brings together people more than a common enemy. Either it's going to be you and your husband venting against his father, or it will be your husband and your father venting about you.

Shoot for the first.

Don't let yourself be treated like a skivvy, put your Fil straight whenever he has a smart comment for you, pull him up on it. He was a prick before MIL died, he will continue if you don't speak up and let him know you will not be treated like shit.

The history shows that your DH doesn't like his dad at all. He was effectively no contact for years.

It seems DH did love his mum but couldn't spend much time with her because of hideous dad.

His DM dies, he feels dreadfully guilty. DF asks to stay, DH feels he can't say no.

DF arrives and is an absolute nightmare. Presumably behaving in all the ways he always did, which resulted in your DH going effectively no contact for years.

It sounds like DF is a bully who enjoys putting people down. Now his wife is gone he will need a new victim. Looks like you lucky lucky people have been selected for this.

DH is in a no win situation. Let DF stay, he ruins your marriage and wears you both down. Kick him out and he looks like an utterly heartless bastard.

I think the request for you to come home over "something broken" was a cry for help from DH.

FIL will have to go soon because he is a bully who will destroy your lives. Your DH will need your help to do this.

FIL seems to be doing a divide and conquer policy. You and DH need to agree a plan.

He sounds a nightmare but he has just been bereaved. Just tolerate him as best you can. But hope his stay isn't too long. Don't argue with him. There isn't any point.

Plenty of people have lived with losing a loved one without resorting to being a pig to others trying to help.

I couldn't disagree with Viviennemary more, you don't need to tolerate this rubbish from anybody, what happens next time he stays, do you just tolerate his shit again and again. When will it stop?

FIL may choose to leave of his own accord if you show zero tolerance of bad behaviour.

I would act as follows: if he objects to something when he really really shouldn't, you deliberately do it more.

For example, he complains that DH is cooking, you make sure DH cooks lots of meals; he says you are a bad driver so make sure it is always you not DH who drives when FIL is in the car; he asks why you don't have children you say you aren't sure you want any, etc.

This is important for your own sanity. Also for DH's who might be more easily browbeaten into pandering to his father's moods (he was probably trained to do so in childhood). Seeing you behave like the strong confident reasonable person you are might help him.

Do not EVER start walking on eggshells. That is the thin end of the wedge. Stamp on the eggs.

Btw it sounds awfully like he wants DH to be a husband who keeps his wife in her proper subservient place. Ha ha ha ha.

Your jessie boy DH needs to step up. Come home? No, I am out. You deal with it.

And then what jackdanny said.

I don't agree that you should tolerate this shit because he is bereaved

I bet his poor wife has some peace now, eh

Agree he is casting around for his next emotional punchbag. If your husband takes on that role (or allows you to) he is an absolute fool

A few years ago my mum (briefly, but it was meant to be permanent () left my emotionally abusive father. My dumb sister was round there like a flash doing his laundry and cleaning the house. I was conspicious by my absence.