coping with mean FIL staying with us after MIL death

[purplemooncat]

Sorry quite a bit of background but I will try to keep it short.

So I met my PILs just after I got engaged to my DH. They live overseas and don't really like to travel and DH and I were always working and trying to save money so I didn't meet them before this. Just before we met DH warned me FIL was difficult and probably wouldn't like me. They have lots of money and have very high standards I am from a poor background and my father was in and out of jail. FIL took against from the moment we met he had basically run a background check on me to find out about my past before he met me and wasn't impressed.

3 years on and things haven't improved they came to our wedding and visited once or twice but FIL doesn't bother trying to be civil and I have always just remained polite and hoped that he would try for DH and MILs sake.
But he can't see passed my background.

So MIL passed away last week it all happened very quickly and FIL didn't contact us till she had passed. We flew out for the funeral and FIL asked if he could stay with us as he was upset and lonely. We said yes because he has just lost his wife and because DH asked me if we could as he would like to be closer to his father now his mum is gone.

But the man is so bloody impossible. I drove us 4 hours to the airport and another 2 to get to our house when we landed and the only thing he would say was that I drove like a woman. I kept apologizing but in the end I just said sorry but I am a woman. Which made him huff because I was sarcastic which upset DH because his dad was upset. He has been here 4 days and I just hate my own home.

Yesterday I was in work and he called me to ask me when I was making dinner. I said I was in work but DH was there to make something or order takeaway. He said DH was already looking for food to make but as the woman I should be there doing it.

He asks why I haven't given him grand children yet even though he knows that I can't conceive because I was in hospital last year after a bad accident and DH called MIL because he was worried and he told her at the time that I wouldn't be able to have children now and she told FIL about all this. Yet he just claims we aren't trying hard enough.

I have left the house today to see a friend and DH has just text me asking me to come home as FIL has broken "something" important and I just don't bloody want to go and try and be nice to him and pretend whatever happens is no big deal even if it is for DHs sake.

I am fed up. Please give me some tips to deal with this for DHs sake please.

So DH texted me again and asked me to come home and to talk about what has happened. I called him and he sounded very upset.
I got home and he had sent FIL out. Turns out FIL had been grumbling and asking about us having grand children for him. DH pointed out that he knew why there weren't any more and to stop talking about it as it was upsetting.
FIL went into the other room then started routing through our cabinet ( DH didn't notice this) in one of them there is a picture with pasta glued on to it. FIL took this out the cabinet and asked why I was keeping other DCs things there and before DH could stop him. He ripped it and threw it in the bin saying I was probably cheating on DH.

DH was horrified because the picture is one my younger brother who died (along with my mother) when he was a child had made for me and one of the few things I have left. He shouted this at FIL and tried to save it. FIL (apparently) also tried to help and was muttering oh shit I have gone to far oh shit, and saying that he didn't realise.
DH then text me. When I replied he told FIL to leave and he would sort it. He then text me again.

I came home and saw the damage grabbed some clothes and told DH he could call me when he needed me but I was going to stay at a friends house till his father left. He was really upset and said that his father would be on the first plane. I said I didn't mind what they did but I couldn't face FIL. Then I went and I am at a friends house and DH has been texting me almost constantly to say how sorry he is.

I mostly just feel bad for DH because he is so upset and he doesn't need this right now but I won't be seeing FIL ever again because I can never forgive him for what he has done.

Oh love, that's awful, I'm so sorry.

Hope that fil goes quickly, you're well within your rights to never see him again.

A horrible way for it to end but at least it has ended. I am sure your DH will be grieving for the relationship he would have loved to have with his dad, but it's good that he has made the decision about his dad leaving. DH has decided his relationship with you is more valuable and I hope you can find it to be sympathetic to him about this. Frankly, a nasty episode but a lucky escape.

I am so so sorry to hear about this. Its shocking. It's not your dh's fault however, it's his dad. Really, I would not be coming back home until fil is gone home for good. You need space and you need to heal.

I'm so sorry for you both, I really hope you can sort things out with your DH.
Your FIL is utterly, utterly vile.

Stay right where you are for now until FIL has gone.

Then hopefully you and your husband can get back to where you were before x

Purple, my stomach lurched reading your last post. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

FILs actions were shocking. Maybe if one good thing comes of this, it might be that he realizes he needs to change.

Hugs to you.

Goodness how utterly awful.

Ditto what anyfucker said , best wishes x

What a disgusting man he is.

Just can't think what else to write but he knows how out of order he is and has been previously. I just could not bare to be around someone like that.

Im so sorry what a hateful man

Utterly shocking, I was about to come on and say he was a pig before MiL died and he's been a pig after, but wasn't expecting that. My heart goes out to you. Don't go back till he's gone. I just pray your husband follows up what he said. One of the saddest threads I've ever read on Mumsnet and a true example to us all of just how damaging toxic families are. for you.

That is so sad, for you, your poor DH. And even for your awful, horrible FIL.

Selfish man, he's thrown would could have been a good relationship away, for spite and bitterness, for whatever reasons. He came intending to cause trouble. He's directed all his grief and loss at you, with no thought of the impact on his son.

If he apologises, your response needs to be along the lines of that you understand he is grieving, but he has behaved terribly and caused you unnecessary pain, and just reiterate he needs to leave.

Oh God I'm so sorry.

The picture - can it be repaired? I know it won't be the same but you can still have it with you, it's still there and still the thing your brother touched and made. It's still something from him to you.

And now you never have to see FIL again. Stick to your guns on that, by the way. Never.

He sounds an utterly horrible piece of work, and with any luck your DH will now maybe see that.

I don't know if this might help you, but you could try and see this as your little brother stepping in to save what sounds like it could have been a disaster for you, your DH and your marriage.

The shock of seeing his hideous father showing so plainly what a disgusting, cruel, inappropriate and rude fucker he is (going through your cupboards to find something to destroy - WTF!!) will hopefully have knocked him out of his grief response - trying to turn to his dad and make him into something he isn't, to try and ease his pain from losing his mum. If he'd carried on down that road, he'd possibly have destroyed - or let FIL destroy - your marriage, as visit after visit, placate after placate, destroyed your respect for your DH. Only something as powerful as this happening, seeing FIL disrespect such a symbol of good, of love, of family values, could wake him up. Thanks goodness for you, little brother. I'm sorry that he's not with you OP, but he may have helped you out here

Blimey, Brian. You have an uncanny knack of plucking a positive out of a pile of shit negative.

What a shock for you.

Your DH was absolutely right to send your FIL out immediately, and you were absolutely right to walk out and stay at your friend's. As terrible as it may be, this could be a wake-up call for your DH, that your FIL needs to be kept at arm's length.

I'm horrified at what this man has done, I'm so sorry.

Thank god he's going, thank god your dh is dealing with it as well as he is. You have a good man there.

How awful.
FIL has shown his true colours. His actions were not coloured by grief at all. There is no excuse for him.
I hope your DH sees what a vile man FIL is. And regardless of why you do not have children it is none of his bloody business.
He sounds very controlling but this may the last time you have to put up with his ego trips.

What an absolute nasty bastard.

Deliberately destroying something.

of course your husband is upset because FIL has upset you & he has seen his father in his true light again.

But you need to look after yourself as well.

Hopefully you can go home soon & be there for your husband.

Oh my fucking God

Just beyond awful, I'm so sorry op

How bad is the damage? Is there any way it could be repaired?

Depending on what you can face at the moment, and I'm sure you must be very, very raw, would you post a pic of the damage to see if anyone can recommend a way for it to be fixed? MNetters can achieve small miracles when we put our heads together x

Hi Purple, I too have to just pop on to say how utterly disgusted I am with this situation, on your behalf. This repulsive, nasty, wicked specimen has been a guest in your house and caused nothing but upset and destruction in return for kindness!!

I agree, stay where you are until the horrible wretch of a man has gone for good, and you're FULLY justified in being NC with him for good, despite what your husband does. Let him do what he wants but your FIL's treatment of you has been nothing short of unforgivable. I hate him and I haven't even met him FFS!

I feel so bad for you but but at least, this way, with you standing your ground and not backing down, the nasty sod can be banished, never to return again. Wash your hands of the scum.

Bereavement is NO excuse for any of this. X

What a horrible man! And I am so sorry about the picture. I hope it can be repaired and salvaged.

You are right to leave until he is gone, but I think your husband may need some support from you: he has suffered this man as a father his entire life and like someone said above, he's going to grieve that the relationship has finally ended on this note.

I am sorry that he's lost his wife but this is beyond the pale.

Personally I'd have stopped the car and asked him to get out at the 'driving like a woman' comment. I'd have told him to fuck off and cook his own dinner if he rang me at work (!!?!) about cooking it. And to mind his own fucking business about the grandchildren.

But I'm glad you've left the house and given an ultimatum. I feel for your DH too; it's not fair for him to have to deal with this when he too is bereaved.

Can the picture be re-glued or otherwise repaired?

This is one of the worst stories ever.

Your poor, poor, husband. Grieving for his Mother, and then all this with his Dad. Poor you too for having to put up with arsehole FIL and then his hurting you in this way.

Stay away until FIL is gone. Then go home and you and your husband hug each other dizzy.

The picture - it may not be realistically repairable into the picture, but can something new be made from it instead? A collage, or mosaic, or wall hanging or something. Someone crafty can probably come up with something good if you don't feel able to do it yourself. The memories of your brother are tied to what he touched, what he did for you, and those are still all there even if the picture can't be quite the same.

So very sorry purple, this man is clearly not all there, what a pointless, childish thing to do. fortunately your poor H had the courage & sense to throw him out, & is totally distraught. He loves you. & he now has to deal with a double trauma
Don't go back until FIL is gone. It will be OK again soon, both you & OH need to console one another.