support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

Thanks gessami. 15 weeks of hurt and depression before then isn't much of an encouragement but I know I need to get through it somehow.

I feel I need OH to apologise repeatedly, no matter how much he has already. I need him to show he feels a fragment of the hurt I'm feeling. I just don't think he can.

I did not feel I had moved on much until I read a diary I have written from the early days of finding out about the OW. It's 21 weeks for me now. I have made great moves forward. I started writing my feelings down everything, ranting etc. I still write it is a release. What I write now is nothing like I was writing then. I still find it hard but certainly better than it was. We talk more, plan for the future and enjoy as much as I can.
Brontolo I would also like my H to apologies all the time, but that is not going to happen. Wasted energy.

One day you wake up and realize it's not the first thing you have though of

Very true Chritina, what a lovely feeling.

Yeah the affair is on my mind- every day. No denying. The OW also keeps popping up in my mind. I do not fight against these thoughts/emotions. It is part of the background of my current family life. I just try to do or think about other things/people (our family with our inside jokes) at the same time. I know the OW. I have met her. I also know her current telephone/e-mail etc etc. Sometimes I imagine that I am talking to her; however I know I will never ever talk to her as the OW, i.e. about the affair. Brontollo and Christina summed up beautifully why it's not worth contacting the OW. She forced herself in our private space (yes with an inside help- his help and his blessing without doubt). The door is closed now to her and I will not give her the satisfaction to know what is going on between us. (Remark: I cannot fully exclude that I will never talk to her sometime in the future because she is the mother of an innocent child.) Good Luck to all of us!

Help me out, ladies. Sorry to stop the current thread of conversation about the OW (which I started on monday) but I have to get other opinions. (sorry if this turns into a long one...)

As you know, on monday I was thinking of contacting her to get her version of events. I didn't, and after a while I realised that what I should do is talk to my husband about it. The situation has always been a bit unbelievable, and I want her side. I said in the beginning to him that if any other elements of the story he had given me changed, or something else came out of the woodwork about it, that I would leave. I wanted to let him know that this wasn't the case any more, I just wanted the whole truth, no matter how horrendous, because the text I found made me think a line from emotional connection to a physical one had been crossed. There have been issues before (as we discovered in marriage counselling) with him not telling me things in order to protect me from them.

To give you some background about the situation, as per his version of events, he went to a works do, and the ow was there, someone he was just mates with along with everyone else at the party. he says she was acting wierd with him that night, so after the party in the car, he called her and she admitted she fancied him. he didn't know what to do with this info, but she then kept texting him about it and he was flattered, and weak, and eventually started texting back. Three weeks later I found the messages. he swears they never did anything other than the 'sexting'. he has been very remorseful since, done everything he can to make me trust him.

However.

We talked on monday evening, mostly regarding the ow and issues of trust. he went through the story again but this time it was slightly different. apparently they had been becoming closer at work for a while BEFORE the party, and they BOTH felt strange at the party and knew what was going on in both their heads. he called her after the party to address it with no one else around, and he says he did this in order to bring it into the open and somehow quash it that way. however, this admittance to their feelings towards each other lead to the texts.

He tells me he thought I already knew this, basically it makes no difference in a way. He says he probably did play it down on that first night when I found out because he was so scared and in such a big mess (which is true).

It does in the grand scheme of things make no difference. I know he had feelings for her, I've just found out it started a little earlier, so why does this bother me so much?? I feel like I'm at the start of this all over again...

I understand your feelings. He also lied about details at the start to protect me. I know it infuriated me whenever details kept popping up. I think that what infuriated me most was that the lying kept going on a while after the disclosure when he said that he is committed to be honest with me from the disclosure date onward. I do not know whether there are still details that he hides (so as not to hurt me) or that he forgot (because they are dimmed unimportant to him.) I reminded him his promise and his answer was that the 100% honesty he spoke about was about any event post the disclosure...It looks as if H made such a mess of his life and integrity that it is like he is drawing a strong line between the man he is before the disclosure and the man he is after the disclosure. And the man after the disclosure wants to forget about 'sordid' details pre-disclosure (it is how he calls them). I think. I might be wrong.
Good Luck!

I guess I've always portrayed this woman in my head as some vixen who got her claws into my husband but now it feels like he walked willingly into her arms and I feel betrayed all over again.

I don't think they lie to protect us, they lie to minimize it and to save their own ass. The drip drip feed of information is should destroying, in order to draw a line under it, they need to be open, honest and answer any questions truthfully....otherwise you never stop doubting

I would really struggle with any drip feeding I think, especially if you have agreed to be completely honest. It's hard though - we're putting our trust in someone who has been completely dishonest, so it's not much of a starting point really!

For me, I am trusting what he's telling me now because that, to me, is the only way we can attempt to move on. If any drip feeding or new info came to light, that would destroy the progress we've made so far. And whether or not I could start again is hard to know.

Not sure that's much help human. Hope you're ok.

OK they might want to save their ass and this is why they prefer to draw a line under the sordid details- but hat does not mean that they do not to this to protect us as well. That also does not mean that they are completely opposed to give us details. They tend to drip details at the start but they eventually say it all. I believe that it is also oppressing them and I believe that they are feeling our pain. Why would they otherwise be willing to stay with us and to work on it all and pay for counseling etc etc
Human I think you said something strong: how we view the affair change when we get more details. Funnily enough at the start I saw in my mind a nice delicate damsel in big trouble before he disclosed her identity- in my case she is really a vixen and tried to lure him for a year or so when they were room-mates. I started liking the damsel and seeing in him a kind of knight but when he disclosed her identity I just saw him as a fool- a complete fool...different from your case but similar in disappointment and hurt....

Look I haven't read the entire thread, I've been lurking. However you fundamentally cannot trust a liar, and as much as you want to desperately believe that your dh is being open and honest, you also know that he lies and has lied to you openly the in the face.

Whatever justification he offers doesn't change that fact.

You've been put in a dreadful position of not being able to trust the one person you thought you could totally trust.

For me, and it was a different type of betrayal, after counselling etc I was able to get to a place of forgiveness. Perhaps selfishly I needed to choose to forgive to move on. I felt that there was only so far I could go to recover my emotional reserves while we were still talking about it everyday. I haven't forgotten but this has made me stronger...I know I can trust myself totally whatever happens.

Ultimately the trust you had in him was built over years so recovery, if possible, will take a long time. So I think that you need to be kind to you with that. If you haven't had counselling for you (individually) please do look into that, I felt so much better afterwards, also and this is something that I'm looking at for myself, is a way of replacing/redirecting unwanted thoughts, when I feel that I'm dwelling on something.

After a lot of counselling and talking I decided forgiveness is a choice. Its that it cannot be forgotten that has caused me the biggest problem.

also we can have different understandings of honesty. my H thinks he's being honest because he's answering my questions. but he hasn't volunteered anything of his own accord. which makes me wonder whether I'm asking all the right questions. what if I haven't asked him about something that I haven't suspected? he says he has told me everything but I can't get rid of the doubt.

as you say gilded, how can you trust a liar?

gilded

Excellent post, it's the forgetting I struggle with too.....we also know that they can be extremely selfish, they put their owns needs first when they decided to cheat, there was no thought to the pain that they would inflict on there families

Gessami - that's true too. Though I have asked oh if there is anything else i need or would want to know and made clear that I see omissions in the same way as lies. To be honest, the hideous stuff he's shared is so painful that I can't imagine much worse or what he'd gain in not sharing anything else. There's lots I'd already rather not know.

Gah. It's just shit and then a bit more shit again.

and more shit to come ??

theblankslate Hi, just wanted to acknowledge your message. In my relationship, I am the introvert, with much less need for external friends and social interactions than my wife. I have found her 'lack of attention' to me almost crippling over the past few years. She prizes her friends, work, and her own achievements very highly. I have realized, and am beginning to address, the fact that it is my need for validation from her that has driven me so mad, and it isn't her fault. I think that underneath surface issues she sees just as much in me as she did when we got married, but through the erosion of personal time through kids & wear & tear of adult life we have lost track of what we brought to each other.

No intention at all to say that in your relationship it is the same, but I have found that trying to put myself in her shoes and looking at myself as she might see me is really helping me work out what actions will improve things. I have realized I need to be more independent for a start with more of my own friends and activities outside our home & relationship. This actually brings me more pleasure, and relieves pressure on her. I am seeing a relationship counselor, and they encourage me to look at what we can control - ourselves - rather than what we cannot - others.

Sorry if this is more self-oriented than supportive, but I wanted to say that introverts can bring more than they realise to extroverted people, we can be very supportive and loving, we deserve appreciation, but we also need to get out more.

Welcome back chatman, I thought we'd lost you! I agree, I'm an introvert too and I have to try very hard to turn on 'sociable me' some days.

chat

What an insightful post, given me something to think about

Ultimately the trust you had in him was built over years so recovery, if possible, will take a long time.
^ This. I find it impossible to trust him now, so how on earth do I ever forgive? I had 16 years of trusting him more than anyone in the world and it took seconds to be lost, perhaps forever.

I think the trust can come back if their actions prove it..ie if you see that day in day out they are working at it, they accept responsibility , they support you and understand how you feel ...it would in a lot of ways be easier for them to walk away, but if you see them fight for your relationship it starts to restore your faith

I do believe the trust can be rebuilt. But it will take years and come in peaks and dips. Being able to get through the dips over what I expect to be a sustained period of time is what will be the hardest thing of all I think. I'm only 9 weeks in and really struggling with the dips - how am I supposed to manage it for months and years?

OH has "asked" if he can go out for a drink with a friend next week. I have no concerns about him doing so - I know the friend, I know where he'll be, when he'll be home etc. And yet I still know that on the night itself I'll be sitting worrying myself silly. I'm actually quite keen to get the first time of him going out over with. And I really want him to go out - I don't think it's healthy for either of us to not have time to ourselves. But it's just going to be hard to actually deal with with these hideous little gremlins in my head doubting every little thing he does.

I think there comes a point where you have to give yourself a break and try to stop thinking about him doing it again...at the end of the day if he does it again then he isn't the man you thought he was and it is over

Nine weeks is such a short time and I can understand that you are on edge...can you do something to take your mind off it when he goes out that night?

christinayang1 I think a glass of particularly nice red wine will be holding my hand :)

I totally agree that I need to give myself a break, and especially that if he does do it again, then that is it done and decided for me. I of course hope that doesn't happen, but it will answer the question of whether or not I can trust him and if we have a future quite succinctly!

Hi. Can I jump in here to please? I am not married nor has my OH had an affair (as far as I know and I have asked a few times).
I posted a separate thread earlier, but am just getting the whole 'leave him' message and I will not, cannot do that. Not yet anyway. I am still full of love of him although he is a selfish bastard
This is my story (sorry long)
Well, pretty much as it says above. OH is 'genuinly torn between rebooting our relationship and transitioning out of it' (his exact words). Have been together 8.5 years. Have 2 x DD 6.5 and nearly 5.
First DD came along when we had been together 2 years and up to then he says he was very happy. She came along. And life just started to throw one curve ball after the other, undiagnosed post natal depression (me), major illness * 2 (him) and I never quite bounced back and completely burned out just over 2 years ago when I lost my job(the point in time he really stopped looking forward to come home to me). I became neurotic and reactive and defensive.
He has been very very unhappy he says, but has not raised it as he has not wanted to upset me further when I have been down (cop out). We went to Relate a couple of years ago and it helped a bit, but as I had burned out (and didn't see how badly myself) it didn't have the success one would have hoped. Also, we stopped trying and fell back into old patterns.
He says our relationship lacks the essential things he needs, fun, laughter, a sense of closeness etc.
Anyway, now it has manifested into this and we are at rock bottom. I know it is just not me that is the issue here, i.e. his unhappiness with me, it's work stress, late midlife crisis (no one else involved he has said several times after my asking).
On Sunday he said he needed 'space'. So is now sleeping on the sofa (as he is sleeping very badly at the mo and he turns around and looks at me next to him (!) and then the next morning he was all 'Good Morning' and giving me a good morning peck on the lips when we 'ran into' each other in the kitchen.
He does not know whether he has the energy to go to a relationship counsellor right now, maybe with the space he will find it he says (?)
He says he is simply not going to walk out (also all the issues that come with that) but does not share my positiveness that we can work this out.
So, space it is. I find myself analysing everything he says and does (over analysing is one of my weaknesses). I'm not sleeping and it is having a really bad impact on my whole being. I am seeing a counsellor to get myself back on track. I need to get back to being strong and confident for my own and our DDs sake.
I don't want to lose him. How do I hold on to my sanity in this. I firmly believe we can be happy again, but realise that we both need to put the effort in.
Are there any happy stories out there where a couple have bounced back from something like this?