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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

support thread! Marriages in recovery!

802 replies

humanmagicmarker · 23/01/2015 13:12

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me Smile

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 16/02/2015 16:55

Look, Valentines Day is responsible for more hard feelings between couples than its worth and I think when a marriage is in recovery it must be a very difficult day indeed to get through.

I know you are trying to get things back on track but it doesn't mean you can't change your mind. Yes maybe your gifts were generic because thats how your husband feels, but then maybe again he feels guilty and was scared to go all out in case you said - if you feel this way about me how could you have had an affair.

Dont ignore how you feel after yesterday, just keep it in mind for a wee while and see if its something that doesnt go away - yes you've made the decision to stay together but it doesnt mean you can't change your mind.

Life really is too short to be unhappy.

dreamingofblueskies · 16/02/2015 17:16

We had this problem at Christmas though, again, a very generic gift, nothing 'thoughtful' so you'd think after I said about it then that he would have made an effort.

I did say to him I wanted to give Valentine's Day a miss this year, but he insisted on buying me something. I couldn't bring myself to get him anything. How do you a pick a card at a time like this?!

dreamingofblueskies · 16/02/2015 17:19

And it wasn't just the flowers, they started off a bigger row where he told me I wasn't a very nice person. He's since said he didn't mean it and it was his BPD, but still, somehow it's easier to remember the bad things they say than the countless 'I love you's.'

Weebirdie · 16/02/2015 17:47

BPD?

Weathergames · 16/02/2015 18:38

Hi, we are 11 months on from OHs affair.

It was a revenge thing for a one night stand I had while he was away at sea for four months.

He works away so got away with it quite easily, other women had no idea he was engaged, he went from our bed to hers fed her a load of lies (bought her a car!!) and gave me an STI.

The trust is the hardest thing to rebuild (for us both) and biting my tongue when we fall out about totally unrelated stuffis hard, as is my paranoia when he is away (lives on base in the week with SHIT reception which causes problems when I can't contact him.

I am beginning to trust him again and I feel closer with him. He has really benefitted fro his own personal counselling and the intimacy between us hasn't been affected.

I feel we both love each other as we did before but it will always be there and part of the history of our relationship.

I do think you can get through it but I think you both have to really want to and it takes effort and understanding on both sides.

dreamingofblueskies · 16/02/2015 18:48

Borderline Personality Disorder weebirdie, it's fun. Confused

Weebirdie · 17/02/2015 05:26

Ah yes, I thought it might be, so based on my own personal experience in life with a sociopath Im going to suggest the fact he was able to say it was down to his BPD shows he's very much aware of how to use it to his advantage.

Please get yourself some counselling relevent to this type of situation because they reality here is this - you are well on your way to helping set yourself up for a lifetime of misery because thats all 'trying to get over' and affair is with these men. You will actually be helping your partner set you up for life and not in a good way.

erazer · 19/02/2015 07:55

Brontolo When the OW comes into my head, I try to think of something really happy from my past. When I do that I can replace the OW. I am now able to do this very well. Much nicer feeling. I don't want to give that OW any of my head space. Hope this helps.
We had a lovely Valentines Day. Went to a spa had a massage and then went out for a meal later.

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 19/02/2015 09:39

That's a good tactic eraser, I'll try that. We had a good valentines/anniversary too. He got me a little ceramic pear, "cos we're a pair" Smile

OP posts:
erazer · 19/02/2015 14:10

Human glad you had a good Valentines. My Husdand ordered me a charm for my bracelet, but it has not arrived yet. I find the distraction works well the more I use it.

erazer · 19/02/2015 14:21

Human that sounds lovely.

JonesTheSteam · 19/02/2015 15:35

A good Valentine's day here too. No presents (we have never done Valentine's presents and both happy with that), but another lovely, thoughtful card from DH and he cooked me an amazing meal on Valentine's night.

brontolo · 19/02/2015 16:22

Thanks erazer. I will try that. Now you've said it, I really don't want to give her any headspace either. I've done better today by consciously realising what I'm doing and deliberately forcing my mind elsewhere. Hard work but worth it. And I hope it will get easier.

erazer · 19/02/2015 21:50

I found it very hard to begin with, but it has got easier with practice. Had a busy week this week which helps too.

theblankslate · 20/02/2015 09:33

Going to hop aboard if that's ok? My marriage is not in a good state right now. Been together for 6.5 years, married for almost 3. Have a 2.5 yo and almost 5 month old. We used to be best friends and really seemed to enjoy one another's company. The kids have strained things and DH's family can be quite vitriolic, so don't help. I started ADs 5 weeks ago, they seemed to help at first but lately I've been feeling quite down again. I just don't feel like my marriage is going that well, or we're the friends that we used to be.

I have spoken to him about the issues, we both recognise that things have been bad. The regular stuff, like being snappy/taking things out on one another. Since having DS though DH has been going out with his friends a lot more. It used to be about once a month, now it's normally twice a week - usually on week nights and he stays up 'til stupid times like 1 or even 3am (with work the next day and a baby that wakes at 5, toddler that wants to be up by 6.30). This means that nights after being out he'll be in bed once the kids are, so I feel like I barely see him. He also sees them sometimes on the weekend. He thinks he sees me loads - I feel we don't have any quality time together. Worse than that, I just don't feel like he's particularly fussed about spending time with me. I've told him how I feel, like he just doesn't enjoy spending time with me, that it really hurts and upsets me. He says that he loves me and tries to reassure me that he does like spending time with me, that it's just that he's an extrovert and really needs to get out and see his friends (I'm an introvert, I'm not bothered if I don't see anyone). Honestly I just can't believe that though, actions matter more than words and the fact is every opportunity he gets he goes out - going out with his friends will always come ahead of spending time with me. When it first started happening I used to be in tears all evening and it really felt like it broke my heart. Now I'm of the attitude that if he doesn't want to spend time with me I won't ask or try to make him - and I've told him as much. Doesn't stop me hurting though.

Of this week he decided to stay in to spend time with me but I'd fallen asleep due to being so tired and he didn't come wake me. Tues and Weds he's out with friends. Thurs he falls asleep, comes back down for 10mins but goes back up because he's tired, tonight he's going to a friend's house warming party - it's really important though, he hasn't seen her for ages Hmm. Tomorrow his dad will be over, and then we'll have Sunday. Tis is typical for our weeks. Today I'm feeling awful and keep crying, I ask myself whether I'd be happier on my own, but I also don't want to give up on the marriage without trying. I also don't know how much things are depression related, or even if his behaviour is causing my depression. So things are not good. Sad

Sorry that was long, I just felt like I need to get it all out there.

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 23/02/2015 12:35

I have a dilemma today. If you could contact the other woman, would you? I've never met her but I have her number. I don't want to get angry, just find out her side and make sure it matches what DH has told me. What would YOU do?

OP posts:
erazer · 23/02/2015 23:15

Hi Human
I have never contacted the OW. I know who she is where she lives and everything. At the beginning I wanted to contact her but not sure why I didn't. I think I was afraid I might lose the plot totally. I could contact her and maybe I will at some point.
I could not imagine ringing the OW and being able to just talk to her. I think I would just call her names.

gessami · 24/02/2015 00:46

this is my first mn post.

it's 5 months since I found out about H's 6 month affair. we have 3 kids. we've been together since we were at college, it's been 22 years, and we've been married for 12 of those years.

i felt like i needed to give the marriage a try before packing it in. though of course all the mn posts say LTB! (my friend posted on my behalf the day i found out about it).

it's still so hard. we've been seeing a marriage counsellor and going to individual therapy too. I've found the individual counselling really helpful to try to figure out what I want and to work through the deluge of emotions.

it's not as raw as it was, but there's hardly a moment of the day when it's not on my mind. i didn't think it could be this painful.

it's so good to find a thread like this, thank you OP for starting it.

human, i think if you do contact the OW you should really know what you want to get out of it. will it help you? if you think so then do it. but if it's going to stop you from moving forward then try not to. do whatever is best for you. does that sound patronising? I just mean you should look out for your best interests.

Christinayang1 · 24/02/2015 08:15

I wouldn't contact the ow, she will get the satisfaction and the power of knowing things about your dh that you don't

If you do contact her you need to be prepared for the fall out ie if he has lied, it will make it real

brontolo · 24/02/2015 12:23

human Until about a week ago I kept going back and forth on contacting the OW or not. Without wanting to sound too much like a stalker, I street-viewed her house and have her work email and phone. I could contact her easily.

But I have realised (for now at least) that there is little to gain from doing so. The outcomes are 1) she will apologise and grovel for forgiveness - unlikely, why would she? 2) she will disagree with OH's version of events - what would I do in this case? Believe her over him? Put it down to a difference of perception? 3) Be nasty and vindictive towards me - I don't need that, and I actually think so little of her that I don't want to waste time on it.

So I think it depends what you would want to get out of it, and if you're willing to deal with whatever happens as a result of the contact.

I've chose to put OW firmly in the past. I think it was erazer upthread who said she doesn't want to give her any space in her mind and that's really rung true with me too.

The OW in my OH's affair is a vindictive, pathetic, cowardly little bitch. I would quite happily see her come upon a huge amount of misfortune in her life. I hate the very thought of her. But my energy and effort needs to be on my marriage and my husband as that's what I have some responsibility for. She needs to be nothing to me so that's what I'm trying to let her be.

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 24/02/2015 13:23

Well said brontolo, I think you're right.

OP posts:
erazer · 24/02/2015 13:41

Well said Brontolo. I could very easily contact the OW. I am doing quite well at not giving OW head space.

gessami · 24/02/2015 21:39

hi all. me again. hope it's ok to join in.

do you think it's weird that i don't think about the OW at all? I've been reading thru the thread and it seems like most people are pretty angry with the OW. maybe it's part of the process and that's why I'm not really moving on?

brontolo · 24/02/2015 23:30

gessami not necessarily weird. Everyone deals with things differently and at different times.

The not moving on thing is depressingly common though. I don't feel like I ever really will. On the surface yes, we're doing all the right things. But I still feel as sick about what he's done as I did 8 weeks ago when I found out. It's just depressing.

gessami · 24/02/2015 23:53

brontolo it really is depressing. however I just counted the weeks and it's been 23 weeks since I found out. and whilst I say I'm not moving on, actually I don't feel as sick or angry as I did on day 1 or week 8. so I guess I have moved a bit. and I hope it gets a lot better for you by week 23.

I had thought once I heard H apologise, properly and from the heart, that I would be able to start moving forward. but now I wonder whether it was too little too late.

I just have no idea how we can ever rebuild the trust.

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