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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

support thread! Marriages in recovery!

802 replies

humanmagicmarker · 23/01/2015 13:12

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me Smile

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 26/02/2015 14:37

It's sounds like a bit of a nightmare op, yes we have also been through a really difficult time, job loss, moving country and illness. There have been lots of time where I have though the only way forward is it split, however something has always stopped me, the thought that I can't see my life without him

The other main thing that has kept me going his his unswerving certainty that we should be together and that he loves me, he has never wanted space and has always been open to counseling

I think what I am trying to say is that both need to want to be together and be prepared to put the effort in, problems con be overcome

Where is he planning to go?

gildedcage · 26/02/2015 15:00

Dreaming - You may not be able to forgive, as much as you may want to. After considerable counselling I came to believe that forgiveness is a choice, not an emotion. I chose to forgive, but I have not, and will not forget. You may not agree with me on this but I think this is something only time can change. And at the moment you are in a process where you can't just run through to the end.

Trust is something that can only be earned. But I also feel that there is an expectation for things and feelings to go back to how they were. The reality is that the relationship has been altered and will never be the same. You can love each other and be happy but I don't think it is possible to get back the pure and total love that you had before.

Scanico - ( sorry if I got the name wrong, I'm on my phone and can't go back). I think that you should try to focus more on you. I think actually that your dh is being quite cruel in putting his happiness on you. Only he has the power to make himself happy. If he is unhappy with the relationship then he needs to work with you. Sleeping on the couch doesn't really give space rather than rub your nose in it.

You talk alot about what he says and he wants. You're spending time analysing his thoughts. ..what about your own? Please think about you. What do you want and deserve? He wants space but to carry on with the status quo. I do believe that relationships can be repaired etc but from what I have read you're accepting all the blame for the state of your marriage.

My only advice to you would be talk about this to someone in RL, individual counselling or similar. I actually think that he would be better to leave for some time so that you can both really think about what you each want respectively. If you both want the same thing then it won't be the end.

ScandiS · 26/02/2015 15:28

gildedcage Yes, you are right, I should focus more on me, but I don't know how? I am seeing a counsellor on my own, third session will be tomorrow. I am at a loss for what else to do? I go to the gym a few times in the week but I guess that is not really it.
One of my bad habits is that I do over analyse...my counsellor has already pointed this out.
I can't leave. I have nowhere to go. My (useless but love them much) parents are in a different country, elderly and frail. I don't have siblings. The only family I have otherwise and here are his.

gildedcage · 26/02/2015 15:53

Scandi but he's the one who is unhappy...I'm sorry but I don't know how things can be repaired if he isn't prepared to try. If he wants space maybe he could stay with his folks, do you have a spare room?

Try to do something for you to make you happy. A new hobby or something? I started dancing. Have you tried doing things just the two of you?

I think if you're in counselling that will help you.

theblankslate · 26/02/2015 15:54

Hi ScandiS, I'm also in a similar boat to you in that although there's not been any affair I feel that our relationship has been deteriorating over time. I think counselling for yourself is an excellent thing to do and will hopefully have a positive affect on your relationship too.
When your OH said about your relationship lacking fun did you both try to work on sharing more fun and positive times with another? It's a realisation I had about my own relationship - we used to be best friends but at some point we'd stopped having fun together. Our time became about doing things, the daily grind of life, more often than not we were snappy with each other when we did speak. I think (and I apologise for the corny metaphor) that a relationship is a bit like a plant - you have to nourish and take care of it if you want to see it thrive. When you stop doing so and neglect it, it will wilt and may not even survive at all. And yes, it takes both people to do this.

chatman thanking for taking the time to respond to me, it's nice to hear from some one who has similar dynamics. I do think you're right about getting out more, I have actually told DH I'll be going out one evening a week to volunteer once I've gotten EBF DS to accept a bottle. I know I need to make some friends as well - lost them after a depressive episode and don't really know how to find new ones.

I actually had a deep talk with DH on Monday. I actually asked him outright whether he still loved me, I haven't felt like he does for a long time now and I guess I finally had the courage to actually ask him. It felt good to get it out in the open. He obviously said yes, but truth is I still don't feel it. I don't know what it will take for me to feel and believe that he does.

Christinayang1 · 26/02/2015 19:04

blankstate

You sound really down. when did you stop feeling loved? Perhaps you could explain how you feel to dh and ask that he spends some time with you

gessami · 27/02/2015 00:19

A few people have mentioned FUN. Having decided that fun is lacking from the relationship, it's really hard to fix it, especially in these circumstances. I really struggle to find a way to do that.

I'm no fun! I'm bloody miserable. And the only time I've had fun in the last 6 months is when I've been several continents away from H, or really drunk with my girlfriends. He is literally the last person I could have fun with. And yet apparently that's something we're suppose to rekindle together.

I feel like Victor Meldrew. And then I feel angry that I've allowed him to turn me into a grumpy old fart.

So how do we have fun when I still want to punch him? (That's a serious question).

gessami · 27/02/2015 00:32

ScandiS I think you are in a really hard position. I agree with gildedcage, you need to focus on yourself. In a positive way. I don't mean that in a 'sod him' way. You can't be responsible for his happiness but you can work on your own. And seeing a counsellor is a brilliant way to start the process.

Also I'm assuming that all the success stories are out there enjoying their happy lives and not lurking about on threads like this... It gives me hope to think that anyway!

Goodnight

gildedcage · 27/02/2015 08:06

haha my relationship would probably be better if I wasn't lurking about here.

I suppose it has turned into a bit of a habit.

Our relationship is not what it was, obviously, but I feel good and I am getting to a place where I feel that I can trust him it's just an ongoing process.

theblankslate · 27/02/2015 08:19

Maybe start by not trying to have fun but just having a nice time whilst in his company, gessami? Simple things like going for a relaxing walk with him, just talking about easy things etc. Trying to aim for fun whilst you feel the way you do seems like it will be just placing more pressure and stress onto you and be counter-productive.

theblankslate · 27/02/2015 08:49

When I was pregnant with DS I kept thinking that DH might leave once we'd had all our children (we're sticking at 2). I guess I was questioning it then, and the fact that DH really has cut down on the time he spends with me after DS hasn't helped. I do have issues with low self esteem, no confidence, and feeling unworthy of love anyway though, so now I'm wondering how much of it is me and my issues.
We had a chat on Monday. I told him I don't feel like he likes spending time with me, that it feels like his friends always come first, and that I didn't even feel like he loved me any more. He said he's going to cut down on how much he sees them.

theblankslate · 27/02/2015 08:50

Sorry, that was in response to Christian.

gildedcage · 27/02/2015 09:08

Blankslate why don't you do something for you? I mean you feel low in self esteem, and as it goes you can't accept love until you feel love for yourself.

Think about something that you as an individual might like to start; painting, dancing, sport? This may help with your esteem and could make you feel happier. I've found happiness can be contagious, you feeling happier with you may spread to your relationship? ? Obviously its just a suggestion but it sounds like you're waiting for him to be fed up with you and leave, which is soul destroying Sad

theblankslate · 27/02/2015 10:00

Ouch, I think that last sentence was a bit too close. Maybe I am? I do have plans to start volunteering once an evening, and to update my CV and apply for another voluntary position, but I don't seem get round to doing either (the first is dependent on EBF DS accepting a bottle, which means getting the necessary equipment). I've also started a 6 week course of CBT.
Thanks gildedcage, I think you're right and I really do need to start opening my world up a bit.

brontolo · 27/02/2015 10:24

On the fun thing - our marriage counsellor is very keen on ensuring we both take time for ourselves as well as time as a couple to rebuild the positive relationship we once had. Her view - which I agree with - is that you need the good times to give you the positive energy you need to then get through the really shitty times. I had said I felt guilty or a bit like a fraud to be enjoying myself, as if it was belittling or ignoring the reality of how bad things were. But I've realised that you need to make yourself think positively whenever you can. It really does help when things are feeling at rock bottom.

Another concept she talked about was that the two main things a relationship needs is trust and curiousity - these together are what makes people fall in love and enjoy being with each other. We had lost the curiousity by not really investing in each other. We need to rebuild that again. The trust is harder obviously, but making time for each other is something we can do.

Taking time for yourself is important too to give you energy and interest in your own life. You can then share those experiences with your OH to help with the curiousity and sharing.

Not sure if any of that makes sense or helps!

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 27/02/2015 12:39

Feeling lost today. Anyone else? This is so hard sometimes, I can't shake off the blues and the thought of them together today.

OP posts:
brontolo · 27/02/2015 13:19

Sorry to hear that human. In my experience there are just days like that, and there's little you can do when they hit. It all just feels hopeless.

Does knowing that tomorrow will probably not be such an awful day help? Can you get out for a walk or change your plans for today? A change of scenery can do wonders. Treat yourself to a coffee and cake or call a friend.

gildedcage · 27/02/2015 15:00

Sorry if I was a bit full on there blankslate, it's just that it seems you don't feel your own worth. I also totally understand that its hard when you have little ones to get time to yourself. But you are worth investing in. The CBT etc sounds like a move in the right direction.

Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 15:35

I still really love him but feel that I can't allow myself to show that to him...either because I feel he will think that it is all okay or that he doesn't deserve it...does that make sense?

Some days I just want to pretend it never happened and be myself with him but I always feel as if I should be keeping a slight distance..I wonder how long that goes on for...

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 27/02/2015 15:37

I'm wondering that too Christina...

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 15:43

I think I am really being to understand that it will never be the same, it's as if there is a shadow over us

gessami · 27/02/2015 16:07

human, i just had my nails done and it really cheered me up. so superficial Grin!

christina, i feel the same. especially with sex. I feel like if I we have sex he will think that means I forgive him and everything is ok. but it's not! my therapist says I'm attaching too much meaning to sex and making it more complicated than necessary. but I can't help feeling it.

has everyone else continued to have sex after discovering the affair/ experiencing problems? I suppose more of an issue where an affair is concerned as it's so relevant to the issue.

things will never be the same. I will never trust anyone so openly and completely again. and H will never be that shiny wonderful person in my eyes again.

lostmummy12 · 27/02/2015 16:19

Christina, that is exactly how I feel lately,
I want to be able to show more affection, a hug or a quick peck on the cheek etc, but I feel I'm letting myself down almost if I do, does that make sense?
I've never been great at "letting people in" and now I'm terrible,
We have been having sex, but I can't instigate it and can't relax until a few minutes into it, feel really tense & I think a bit embarrassed of my body- guess I know that he has something to compare to now...
I just try to think that the next day/next time will be easier & focus on that,
Took 14 years to build the bond we had and seconds to break it, and who knows how long to rebuild it.....??

brontolo · 27/02/2015 16:23

The sex thing has surprised me. After about 2 weeks of it becoming a "thing" in my head, I fully initiated sex and (tmi) it was pretty much the best sex we've ever had. And it's continued that way most of the time. We've talked openly about it, I've shared some of my worries about the "comparison" with the OW, about him wrongly thinking everything is ok if I'm wanting sex, about why although I enjoy it, I sometimes feel a little down later on. The communication has helped, but I really believe the intimacy has helped too. I feel close to him, I feel secure and loved. And I believe him when he says (when I asked) that the loving sex with me is a world away from the guilt-ridden sex with the OW.

It's not all about sex at all - but it is an important part of most relationships. And it helps with general intimacy and trust too I think. And least it has for me.

lostmummy12 · 27/02/2015 16:48

Brontolo, we had a couple of weeks like that after I first found out, now 6 months on and things just feel a bit odd for me, he is being really affectionate, open, loving, all the right things, but I think I'm just overthinking all the time,
Like in my spare time I pick up my phone & look for updates on this thread, making me think/analyse how I feel and worry if it's "normal" or "right", when maybe I should just stay away from all affair related posts and concentrate on making me happy again...??