support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

Hi beerbelly- I remember your story. You felt a bit flat and not sure whether you want to leave or stay. It is tough when we try to stay isn'it? After the betrayal it is just that we cannot love them anymore the way we used to. They lose so much for a stupid affair. And of course it is not easy for us. In my case I have to admit that he became better in a million of things and my family life has dramatically improved (everything was OK and nice before but it is just better he invests more of himself etc) and yet ...the innocence the fluent interactions etc are a bit gone (the trust is still here, I must admit). I guess it is just a matter of time now: time as a healer, unless I will have to do some active decision to forgive and move forward....we shall see. A question beer did the book I advised How to help your spouse heal from your affair help a bit? If yes then gessami you might want to get it? Good Luck to all of us!

MaMa Yes, we both read that and the other book recommended on here - Not Just Friends. I found Not Just Friends helpful as a way of understanding how the affair happened - in fact, at one point, he commented that I seemed to understand things better than he did.

He has read 'How to Help Your Spouse' and I have too. I think he could still do a bit more. Because I saw texts, emails, letters and a video message that he sent to her, I have been left with two thoughts: one is that I want him to say those kinds of things to me and the other is 'you sad bastard, you come across so pathetic saying those things to a girl who was quite happy to move to New Zealand with her boyfriend and leave you.' Neither thoughts are great.

Ah beer, it's hard, you look at them and wonder what the hell were you thinking?

The messages etc that you have saw leave such deep scars, they are so hard to get over

Can I join? My DH has never had an affair or given any hint of being anything other than devoted to me and our DCs. However, I've had trust issues I have to work through from time to time. This has involved a lot if counselling.
DH's job has always involved a lot of travel and he is now permanently working abroad (comes home at weekends). So I don't see him through the week, he's usually home just 1.5 nights a week.
2 DCs are very seriously ill and I am just about coping. One DC is needing to stay here for medical treatment and really wants to stay in the same school etc. So that keeps DH and I apart (or we would all move to be with him this summer. He's been there over a year).

This the right kind of place for me? I feel we could both be doing and saying things to build on our marriage. Here to learn.

Welcome peace

We are all at various stages in looking at our marriages and I don't think any of is are very sure where we are going to end up, but you ate more than welcome to join in

I'm sorry to hear about your dc's that must be horrendous x

Thank you!

It is hell. Sometimes think I must have been truly wicked in a past life, it some days it is like a form of slow (unrelentingly repeated) torture. That's just what I go through, nothing to what DCs endure.

Anyway, I'm often glad that DH is not here everyday and he is not bearing the brunt of it.

I'm signing up for family therapy, so will see if that throws any light on our marital arrangements.

My Dh worked away for a period, you start to build a life without them and although you are glad to see them it does feel as if they are intruding, it's not a good way to live. I think it's what lead to out problems, too much time apart

Beer they are pathetic and mad, are not they? My Mum always says that if there are kids in a relationship then when one parent goes mad the other must be even more grounded. So we mums do not have much option but to give a go at rebuilding our relationships. I will buy the other book Not Just Friends.
Chris as usual you know how to nicely greet people on MN. How are you Chris?
Peace I am sorry that your kids suffer some kind of chronic medical conditions. It must be tough for you to be on your own most of the time. How old are they? Would you like to tell us what are their problems?
I do not want to worry you but my H and I went through similar circumstances : He had to go back to the UK- I could not - My little ones had problems and my elder were teens struggling to fit in their new schools/circles because we just moved back from the UK !!. And it is during that time that my H had an affair that resulted in a child. In the house where he was lodging, there was another woman who helped the lady who owned the house. After about a year - during which he helped the other woman a lot- she seduced him and shortly afterward a child was born (of course he was happy to be seduced- he thought that the affair would last just a couple of days and that I would not know- there is no fool as an old fool they say; anyway the OW had other plans..) He was shocked- but he is a responsible man and good dad so he continued to visit the kid but was too ashamed and pained to disclose me straight away the affair and the child. He thought he could 'shield me from this cruel reality' and was living kind of parallel lives for years. He was tormented (his health deteriorated a lot- he used to be a strong man). Since then his behavior with me has improved tremendously. A couple of months ago he broke down and revealed me the other child existence!
At the start I was devastated and looked back at these years when I was on my own struggling as very sad years. However now I do love these years and I am very proud of my self.
In short: IMO invest the best you can in your kids. All their life is beyond them. It is where your biggest reward will be found.
I am glad also that in parallel you try to work on your relationship with your P. I neglected that . I do not regret that- just that sometimes I say to myself, maybe if we were investing a bit more in talking more often over the phone, by e-mail, via FB, Skype... then I would have been too tangible a presence for him to indulge in an affair -he loves me a lot; my daughters and their friends say that in our couple it is clear that he loves me more than I do- despite the opportunity and the distance between us.
Mind you: he was not able to come and visit us for many long months in a row. So your situation seems a little bit better. So maybe you can get some help with the child-minding and do something nice together as a couple when he comes home. (Of course I just speak: I imagine how exhausting it is to care for young kids who got some medical conditions. So maybe dates with him is not what you have on your mind when he comes home...Oh dear! It is so hard to be a good mum and a lover!) Good Luck!

Another thing: I said then to my H that I did not care if he had an affair as I was not emotionally available for him (I was too much into helping all my 4 kids) but of course I did not think that a child would result and I expected some honesty before he started (he was too ashamed of the affair as he always said no no he is not interested in anyone but me...) ...WHat do they say: be careful of what you wish you might get it...

Mama

I'm good, getting ready for ds 10 birthday, how did that happen? The years have flown by. As usual he has stretched it to a week long extravaganza....it's not till next Saturday but he has three wee friends coming for a sleep over tomorrow night, or the " pre party" as he is calling it!

Chris I hope it is not some equivalent of stag/lad night this pre-party sleep-over
How was the scouts camping?
(I have to go to my naughty-lovely kids. Good night! )

They're teenagers, with severe MH problems (including eating disorders).
DH has worked all over and has previously been in jobs when he was away for months at a time.

When our DD was diagnosed a few weeks ago I told him I wanted a divorce, that the children would be bwtter off with him, that he could then find someone to live there and I could find a man in a line of work that means we sleep in the same bed every night. He teared up. He was so very hurt. I realised when I'd sorted my head out thatvwhat I'd done was abusive. He loves the bones of me and it hurts him to be away but whatever job he takes he has to travel. A few more years, and if the DCs recover, we can spend the rest of our days together.

Hi Peace, I'm so very sorry to hear about your children, I can't begin to imagine what that must be like. My husband works in another country and has been commuting home for one day a week for nearly eight years now; it is an awful situation and has resulted in a great deal of estrangement, not least from our now teenage children, three of them. I do sympathise.

Apparently pizza, xbox and a movie are the order of the day

The camping was " awesome"....no mum telling him what to do, no fruit or veg and no washing, what's not to like?

Peace I got to go to my kids now- about eating disorder: I know something. I had a family member who suffered from anorexia and recovered (fully) and another kind of relative (to my bro via his wife) who struggled a lot. It is very important that you and your H are together and present a united front. I'll try to get the name of a book that helped a lot my relative. What are the other problems? Please give more details. I am sure people on MN can help/ suggest what to do. Oh God Help Us! Each of us bends under its own cross! See you by Monday! (We will be away for a long week-end. I got to go now). Stay strong!

Peace

That's hard on you, ineffect you are a single patent

MaMac, that does help a lot. DH and I do present a united front, by necessity. I can't really give more details on here, but feel free to pm me.

Yanglah, In some ways there are many aspects of life which make me like a single parent. In other ways very much not. I'm married. It's a state if mind.

When our DD was diagnosed a few weeks ago I told him I wanted a divorce, that the children would be better off with him

Peace why did you feel the children would be better off without him?

Not without him, Vivacia, without me. The strain was getting to me, it was a pinch point and I was looking for an easy escape.

Sorry, I completely misread that!!

Sounds like a real cry for help. What is going to change as a result of your conversation?

Loads changed, it was two weeks ago! That is like an eternity in my llifetime, I can't hang about dwelling on that, or I'd be a gonner! :/

Peace

Sorry I'm not clear re exactly what it is in your marriage you are trying to sort

I apologise if I haven't followed you properly

I'm just muddling along. We get by
In a lot of ways things are ideal, but illness and the oressures of being unavoidably apart take their toll. maybe it is just a part of getting older. For now, DH is home and we are both happy.

Dear Peace
I finally got some info regarding eating disorders.
First
From what I understood:
1- Home becomes a living hell when the parents are just confronted with their child's eating disorder.
2- This disorder is a potential deadly mental illness.
3- Parents do not know how to tackle it. The normal parents concerns are put to derision by the illness and parents literally loos their head and might approach it in what would have been a normal way in other circumstances but is wrong and might even worsen the situation.
4- It takes time to parents to adjust their state of mind to the disease.
5- it is important that when the parents speak to their child, they make sure that:
a- they disassociate the illness from the child. (The child might swear and be very hurtful to parents: parents must say it is your disease that is speaking not my little daughter/son etc)
b- to start it does not matter what the kid eats: what is important is that he/she eats something.
c- make regular times to eat and supervise them.
d- the parents must believe that they can do all the above even if their child's madness makes it look like an impossible mission.
e- the kid must be allowed to say what he thinks about the parents but within some boundaries: in time (when- for how long)- in languages and space (example: no swearing around siblings or outside her/his room).
listen to him/her carefully: he/she might be wrong or very negative but sill there are some implicit messages he might be reading in the parents words/attitude. The Parents must take this into account to correct how they speak to him so as to strengthen his/her self-esteem - this is an underlying issue here- without changing their aim: fighting the disease, bringing him to eat (this is his/her medicine- LKE ALL MEDICINE IT IS DISGUSTING BUT...), having some strict boundaries in place to help him grow emotionally (with this disease the kid wants to break all taboos and boundaries..)

f- not to give in to the blackmailing (emotional or material) of the disease.
g- be careful of how you speak to her/him: what you say might not be what she/he hears. So be firm, consistent, use non-ambiguous statements when talking to her/him. (I have been told that the best is that you just sit down you and your husband and write down some simple clear statements like: we worry for your health. Your disease does not allow you to see clear and cater for your needs. )
h- make sure that she/he has some social life. Bring friends. Make her/him meet them. Take him/her out (as a team you can bring her/him to do this)
i- about keeping it a secrete or telling it around: you are the best to decide about it. Kids with this disease prefer to hide it (as if they really can).

j- boundaries and boundaries and clearly passing the message to the kid that you love him/her and are there to protect him/her against this terrible disease.
6- it is important to be surrounded by a good team of professionals (therapist- psychiatrist- child welfare officer etc)
The book : EATING DISORDERS - A PARENTS' GUIDE by RACHEL BRYANT_WAUGH and BRYAN LASK
I think that there sites/groups to support parents with kids that suffer from this terrible disease.
Oh My Lord now you say in addition to this terrible disease there are other mental issues with her/him and other siblings. I do not believe in God but I really feel compelled to call on a divine force to help you go through! My heart goes out to you. (I will confess to you something, and please do not be upset against me: After I heard about the disease I find that to deal with an affair of a husband who deeply regrets it easy , possible to quickly get over it compared to this obscure disease that eats away your kid! and you have other kids with other problems! Oh Karma you are a bitch! But have faith there are miracles: consistency- perseverance- strict limited boundaries - love can take you a long way onto the recovery paths. Apparently when the kid heals (and it can take time) then he/she is transformed into a wonderful grown-up. Big Hugs [ flowers]

Gosh that's long, Ma!
Our older child was diagnosed with an eating disorder about 2 years ago. So I have a lot of experience in this area already. So while I didn't know so much 2 years ago, I sure do now.
In our area families engage in the Maudsley Approach and this involves Family Based Therapy. (I've posted links to this elsewhere on Mumsnet if you're interested). While I recognise some of what is in your post, my job as a mum in this household is to be positive, or neutral. There are some very unhelpful and actually harmful statements on your list. if tou would like to pm me (as I thought you said you would) or join a discussion on the eating disorders Mumsnwt pages, then plwase do. I don't think this is the pkace to continue this diacussion.

I joined this thread for the same reason as everyone else. Life is hard and we are all doing the best we can. I juat wanted to give and get some encouragement relating to marriage.