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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

support thread! Marriages in recovery!

802 replies

humanmagicmarker · 23/01/2015 13:12

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me Smile

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 18/05/2015 08:36

Gess

perhaps it's time to separate for a while, I think when it's at this stage you just really need to be on your own, deal with your own recovery and work out what you want

Vivacia · 18/05/2015 10:08

You can only try for so long gessami but it can't be at the cost of your health and happiness.

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 18/05/2015 12:31

Lots of love to everybody today. Flowers

This is the one that gets me every time I hear it;

Gess, I feel for you, you can only hold on as long as you think it can work. If you still need breathing space, then go and find it for the sake of yourself. If he wants it to work, he should understand.

OP posts:
gessami · 18/05/2015 14:48

thanks everyone x

IrianofWay · 18/05/2015 14:48

Sorry gessami. Honestly, this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life and I couldn't have done it on my own. H had to carry his half of the burden. Is your H honestly doing that?

BTW no BIG eureka moment here, more of a series of smaller moments when the tension eased and the sun broke through a little.

xx

Lotsofponies · 18/05/2015 15:45

IrianofWay - ^ you put that is such a good way, that's how I feel, I just hate it when it clouds over again.

Gessami - have you explained it to him as eloquently as you have put it here? My partner has always been crap at talking feelings and making romantic gestures. His way of showing me how he felt was by working hard and being honest, dependable and reliable (ha). He has been trying and is getting better at it. The more relaxed and happier I am the, the more confident and comfortable he is to be open and romantic to me - bit of a chicken and egg situation. My thoughts are with you. We understand how hard this is.

MaMaof04 · 18/05/2015 17:08

Gessami
IMO you must take some time off.
No counseling. No wondering whether you do your best or not to keep
the family together. An unhappy mum is not good for any family unit.
Relax. Try to send him somewhere for a while. He can find some provisionary lodgment for a while.
Focus on yourself- just for a few days. Then if you still feel up to try to rebuild your marriage then, IMO the following phases are primordial
and not to be skipped:
1- bring him to understand the enormity of hid misdeeds
2-bring him to understand that he has to change
3- check out whether he really wants to change
4- if he does want to change and not to just sweep under the carpet his betrayal then and only then YOU will input your good will to help him do so.
A god book: How to help your spouse heal from your affair- by Linda J/ MacDonald. Good Luck
Don't sell yourself cheap

dreamingofblueskies · 18/05/2015 17:30

gessami I agree with everyone, you sound like you need time away from this 'rescue' for a little while.

If you're anything like me then your mind will be ticking over the whole time you're awake. The way I tried to describe it was that it's like someone rushing from place to place, trying to find somewhere to sit peacefully but never finding it, I really do imagine a little person running around my head.

Maybe you just need a bit of peace from the relentless effort that is entailed in trying to rescue a relationship, even if it's just for a short while, and it may make him realise that just because you've taken him back doesn't mean you'll necessarily keep him.

MaMaof04 · 18/05/2015 17:58

I meant *a good book.
It is for him- to help him find the right way to win you back. He has to read it. IMO it is a big 'waky- waky' to betrayers and provide great guidelines to successful recovery.
You had big exams I understand- and from exams stress (magnified by you having to care for your young DCs), when you thought you will be one some kind of 'stable' motherhood- work trail, he sent you straight into the betrayal tsunami. No it is not up to you ONLY to save your family from this tsunami- the tsunami has to sop first - and it is only him who can stop it. By recognizing the enormity of what he did, by sincerely apologizing to you and by working hard (and here it will be with your help) to atone for what he did. And I believe that there is a lot of baggage (full of anger) from when you working hard to study for your exams and he was not helping enough with the kids. All this will have to be discussed - but only after he understands the enormity of what he did. It might take time. But as at now relax - stop blaming yourself if the family unit is a bit falling apart now- heal yourself on your own first- and bring him to help heal yourself IF YOU WANT. A healed caring mum is a healed family unit. Good Luck

dreamingofblueskies · 20/05/2015 11:10

How are things today gessami? Hope you've managed to have a good talk with H.

nrv0us · 20/05/2015 11:54

I just wanted to ask for help in selecting a couples counsellor. My DW and I have both been feeling kind of generally unhappy, and need to find a way to make things better and more satisfying between us. Does anyone have any personal experience in a similar situation, and what kind of counselling style did you find most useful?

Christinayanglah · 20/05/2015 12:03

When we lived abroad we went to a therapist and she was amazing when we cme home we went to relate for counseling, a very different experience

I felt that with the counseling there was a lot of talk but very little guidance or direction

MaMaof04 · 20/05/2015 12:21

Dear nrv0us
I have no similar experience- I post just to let you know that we will help you as much as we can. Here some advice that of course you are free to ignore:
1- fix a time in the week for little dates. Example: make it that each Friday evening you go to some little café - restaurant etc together.
2- Both of you prepare themselves as if they go on a blind date. Either they dress up (if they like to dress up) or/and they think about a nice subject to talk about.
3- You might agree on which subject to talk beforehand.
4- you might prepare some guidelines of how and what about to talk in these little rendez-vous. (You might avoid the subject on which you usually disagree- You might agree on some gesture that you do to stop you from going down the path of conflict, e.g. raise the napkin/ the thimb etc etc)
5- fix another time/place to discuss the boring/painful/conflict-laden issues.
6- Decide ahead of the thorny issues to be discussed. Limit them to one or two at a time.
7- agree on how to talk about issues/when to stop etc.
8- Make a mental note of what hurt you/her what made you/her happy during these meetings and at home write them down in some kind of diary (or you might write them on MN). Aim to improve your meetings to increase good and satisfying memories from these meetings.
9- Go out to watch movies- to walk etc
Really partners just forget sometimes that their partner is an individual different from them and tend either to take him/her for granted or to unintentionally hurt them. Rediscover what makes you different and what are the common pleasures satisfactions the relationship is offering you.
God Luck!

Vivacia · 20/05/2015 21:05

nrv0us do I recognise you from NTT?

gessami · 21/05/2015 21:41

what my head looks like today

support thread! Marriages in recovery!
Christinayanglah · 21/05/2015 21:42

Weirdly I am hoping this is just a new hairdo and not reflecting your emotions!

dreamingofblueskies · 22/05/2015 07:30

Sad I hope that you're feeling a bit better today gessami and that you managed to get some sleep which maybe helped your Mr Messy head a bit.

That's a really good representation of what my head feels like too! (Not my hair though, although I have been there before!)

gessami · 22/05/2015 09:27

I just came across it and thought it looked like I felt!

thank you all for your advice. I'm really conflicted. I promised myself I would give it a year. our child psychologist encouraged us to give the kids more stability by being more united in front of them.

so that's what we're doing but I just feel shit

Christinayanglah · 22/05/2015 09:33

Does it just feel beyond repair now?

Vivacia · 22/05/2015 10:28

Did the psychologist say "united" or "married"?

gessami · 22/05/2015 11:02

christina there are moments of loveliness, but generally I feel shit.

vivacia, the advice was to either be together properly or to separate. but the halfway, neither one nor the other, was not providing the kids with enough security. so whilst neither of us was ready to give up on the marriage yet, we decided to really give it a go.

but I'm finding that really hard.

also we're going away for half term to our house in Spain, which is where we were most unhappy last year. and whilst I was there with the kids he was back in the UK with OW. so it's again bringing all the awful feelings back.

it feels relentless.

Christinayanglah · 22/05/2015 11:52

I think you use this holiday to look after you. Play with the kids, relax by pool, go for a walk along beach, book a massage..sometimes a change of scenery and really relaxing allows your real feelings to come through. Your body takes a break from protecting itself and you are able to see clearly what you need to do

Vivacia · 22/05/2015 12:15

God. It sounds like torture.

A holiday with a partner should be the opposite of how you're feeling.

MaMaof04 · 22/05/2015 12:21

Gessami
I am not an expert and I do not know what exactly go between you.
My feeling is that kids do have this special antenna to detect whether deep inside the parents get along or not. My guess (and I hope it is wrong) is that if you are generally feeling 'shit' they will somehow get it- whether you and him present a united front or not. So IMO you must explain them why you feel bad in an age-appropriate way so that they do not imagine the worst and so that the unknown does not raise anxiety in them.
Now I do not know whether he works hard or not to atone for his misdeeds- only you can know and feel how hard he tries to improve your marriage.
However in this situation there are two people. You and him.
The main person I think is now YOU: are you really willing to give him a second chance? are you so hurt that the only way for you to heal is by breaking up with him? I feel as if there is something in you that is absolutely revolted by this whole idea of amending your marriage after his betrayal. And it is OK. It is you who are dealing with this situation he brought you in- do not loose your self-identity when you do so. If the only way to find back your true authentic identity is by breaking up then break up. If what prevents you is some feeling that breaking up is not that vital to your self identity then yes give it a go- even if you feel shit at times.
However no matter what are the feelings you are having at this 'trial period' please make him remember that the only way forward - if he wants to rebuild your marriage- is for him to become your healer. He must be willing to listen to you talking about what is hurting you, making you feel shit - be it his behavior during the affair and afterward, or be it the conflicting and messy deep beliefs that are a swirling through your head. He must be willing to play your healer at all time and for many years to come.
It is not easy for any of us I guess.
I hope new good memories in Spain and everywhere else will eventually outnumber the bad memories and feelings and that you will find healing and peace in or out of your marriage. Our kids are as strong and as sane as we are. Good Luck!

beerbelly · 22/05/2015 13:18

Gessami - that's hard that you'll have those memories brought back but, if your DH handles things properly, it could be good for you. Can you give him a briefing on how he should play it?

We went on holiday two weeks after I found out about DH's affair - it had been booked for a while. It didn't feel ideal. Because we were with the kids and they were staying up late (and we were so exhausted from the stress of the previous weeks that we went to sleep when they did), we didn't get a lot of chance to talk about 'it'. But what it did do was give us time to enjoy being a family and remind ourselves what was at stake.

I hope the holiday works for you.

Incidentally, we got compensation from that holiday due to being delayed and so DH is talking about booking another one - I have had to bring him down to earth: there is still a chance we won't be together in 6 months time and he still has some work to do.