support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

Thank you all for your replies.
I know what you mean, Dreaming. We said the other week that we should both take D day off, go and do something nice together, but then we also think that would be 'honouring' it, and we shouldn't be doing that. It's very difficult.

As for the mural, DH hasn't seen it, it's in a room where I work. I remember painting part of it and thinking everything was peachy, then painting the other one (on the opposite side of the same room) through tears as D day happened. I hate it but the people who use the room love it.

DH just wants to stop talking about all this and move on. He's always been very understanding but he's fed up with going over it and not being fully trusted now. He know's he's responsible for it all, but it makes me want to clam up, which was, ironically, part of the problem in the first place...

human it's great that you're talking about it together.

2 weeks ago I had a really horrible 'first'. it was 1 year since I had finished my exams, and that night instead of coming out to celebrate with me, H decided to fake a work do and shag OW.

it still hurts so much.

why that night in particular? why not see her the next night? all the whys...

but it has passed. and I'm not so sad about it as I was last week. and I guess that's all there is to it. just keep plodding on.

Human - My Partner is the same, he doesn't want to talk about it, but then feels guilty if he doesn't.

Gessami - I wish we could loose the word Why, I am dreading the anniversary of the 'deed', which is also BIL's 1st wedding anniversary, then there will be DD - ughhh

We have been making good progress since Easter, we are now having issues with family 'shit' hitting the fan. My MIL had a 'talk' with me a couple of months ago, under the guise of wishing to offer support (4 months late but hey ho), basically she told me I was making a big deal about something very small, he was drunk and couldn't help it, I should forget about this 'one thing' and concentrate on the 18 years where he was faithful to me, I was being mentally abusive by making him go over every detail and questioning him, I should be grateful he told me anything, and that she was not going to have him going around saying he is a liar, when he isn't.

Clearly I had to put her straight as best I could but she was bristling with indignation, my partner was furious because he has talked to her about all these things and she just can't and won't accept that her golden boy fucked up.

Anyhow partners older brother, who is a total narcissistic, entitled sponging arse upset me last week. He made a really insensitive comment on a mutual friends Facebook page last week, insensitive to me and the friend who has recently lost his Dad, split up with his wife and is suffering depression. The friend had posted one of those memes about loyalty and love, BIL had posted that to have love and loyalty you have to be a likable person, if you don't have it perhaps you are the problem!. I politely pulled him up on his comments and he proceeded to rub more shit and salt in the woulds, so I told him he was a complete and utter arse hole and blocked him from Facebook, something I should have done months ago as he if friends with OW and I keep seeing her. BIL (44 years old) went crying to Mumsie and now MIL is furious with ME, has withdrawn her childcare and is accusing me of being over sensitive and breaking apart her family. Partner is furios and of course is defending me, he thinks if it carries on we will be appearing on Jeremy Kyle. It really is so pathetic.

On the plus side we are dealing with it together and in a weird way its bringing us closer rather than tearing us apart, as it would have done this time last year,

lots MIL sounds like a nightmare! interfering old cow. you must be glad DH can see it too.

Gessami - She's like it with all three of her children, she tries to micro manage and smooth over everything for them. I remember when DP' sister spit up with her boyfriend of 15 years. He was devastated but treated her very generously with the house split etc, however MIL was very negative about him and quite narky that we had stayed friends with the exbf. 19 month later we got the could shoulder for going to his wedding. I remember him saying that MIL had been a bit of a bitch but didn't believe it.

My parents may not rate high on the' touchy-feely' scale but at least you know where you stand.

human would it be possible to paint another mural over the top instead? Or would time/money make it impossible? It must be horrible to have that constant reminder around.

I remember that back at the beginning of our relationship counselling our counsellor said that I was suffering with PTSD. At the time I thought it was ridiculous, surely that's just war veterans who suffer with that?! But now I have learned that it doesn't just mean that, and of course this business has been a massive trauma.

There are times when I feel that the only way to escape these crappy feelings is to be dead, but I am not, and never would be suicidal, so I'm stuck in a never-ending spiral where there seems to be no solution.

Believe it or not, I do have occasional good days, I don't want my posts to always be so doom and gloom, it's just that the bad days are outweighing the good ones at the moment. Trust is such a delicate thing and it's just been broken in to a million tiny pieces. Not just with my husband either, I just don't trust the world anymore.

ponies, your MIL sounds pretty unbearable, it's good that your partner can see it too.

We watched one of my favorite films last night, Alpha Papa. I love Alan Coogan (and I am from Norfolk). At eh end of the film I start to hear the words to the Willy Nelson son 'Always on my mind' - boom. A nice Saturday night turns into another night of tears, self doubt and no sleep.

Ah, love songs, a great way to ruin a day. I can be fine and then a particular song comes on the radio ('All of Me' by John Legend is a real heartbreaker) and that's me back in a blue funk.

dreaming I'm sorry you're finding it so hard atm.

me too. 'all of me' is really hard to listen too.

and I can't help wondering wtf H is thinking of when he sings along to sam smith 'I'm not the only one'

You could ask him not to sing along to it.

vivacia tbh I think I will just ask for a divorce

this isn't getting any better for me

Oh gessami , do you really think that, or is it the cumulative effect of a lot of bad days kicked off by the anniversary of when he let you down to see her instead of celebrating with you? Vivacia is right, you should tell him what you're feeling about the song, maybe he just doesn't put the words into context when he's singing them? Either way, he needs to know it's insensitive, whether he means it to be or not.

I do wonder when the point is that you decide whether it's worth all the heartache and self doubt to carry on trying to rescue the relationship. I always said to myself I'd decide by Christmas, but I'm still trying to figure out what to do 5 months after my self imposed deadline.

Only you know how you feel in your heart of hearts, only you know if all of this hard work and heartache is worth it. Actually, now I've said that, maybe you don't, I'm pretty sure I don't know what the hell I'm thinking at the moment. There really isn't anything easy about this is there?

dreaming that was a slightly dramatic post of mine back there!

i don't really know what my heart of hearts thinks. but the bad days still outnumber the good. even if the pain isn't as raw and the anger isn't so red. it's all still there.

when I read about other people's DHs/ DPs being really open and taking responsibility I know that's what I want from mine. but I'm just not getting it. I think the difference is that I've finally understood that he IS trying, it's just not enough for me.

and dare I say it, I think maybe I won't ever love him again.

I promised myself I would wait till September when it's been a year. meanwhile I will keep trying till I know I can't try any more.

I think you can only try for so long gessami and it shouldn't be at the cost of your health.

even if the pain isn't as raw and the anger isn't so red. it's all still there.

Yes to this. ^ I totally agree, and I also agree with Vivacia, you need to know when you have reached the end of your emotional rope, look after yourself and your feelings first and foremost, life is way too short to spend all this time miserable.

Does your husband know that he is not trying enough? If not you should tell him, after all, what have you got to lose?

Gessami - sorry to hear things are still so bad for you. I think you will know when you have reached 'that' stage. With my first husband (many moons ago) it was like a switch had been thrown, I just no longer cared.

gessami and dreaming, thank you for making me feel I am not alone. My DH IS supposedly trying to make amends and being open - but I think he would rather it all disappear.

I keep telling him he needs to 'woo' me, like I know he wooed her. But it is not really sinking in. And all the while I am chalking every minor infringement into the 'There's no future for us' list.

beerbelly you are so right with the 'wooing,' they really need to make a massive effort to show us how important we are to them, remind us and themselves.

It is the start of a new relationship really, the old one has died and another one needs to start, with all the effort that a new relationship entails. Of course, we all want our old relationship back, before it all fell apart, but that in itself makes me upset, we can never get that level of comfort and security back.

^exactly!

we went for dinner on friday and there was zero effort on his part. just tired from work and discussing kids logistics, bills that need paying etc. i just kept thinking "is this the best you can do? woo me dammit!!"

he was away at a stag this weekend and for the first time in my life I sat around worrying about what he might be up to. I can't live like that.

How long has it been gessami since he ended the affair, you discovered it and you both decided to work on the relationship? His behaviour is puzzling and I can only put it down to it being a long time since all this happened for him, but not for you.

vivacia the affair was from feb to august last year. I found out in september.

i think I've given up hoping for what I wanted (a heartfelt apology, a huge effort from him to win me back, some kind of eureka moment of forgiveness). probably unrealistic.

I'm just trying to figure out whether this can be enough for me. I think probably not.

Unrealistic?? Bare-fucking-minimum in my book.

How many nights, if any, did you kick him out for?

we were apart for 3 months.

unrealistic - I meant the eureka moment. I'm guessing it would be more gradual in reality

So, it was three months of wooing that you got you back together? I can see why he might have slipped back in to long term relationship mode.

As for the Eureka Forgiveness, I think it's a reasonable and natural expectation. I can see it being perfectly possible in some situations. It's not your fault if it doesn't happen for you though.

morning vivacia. no it wasn't 3 months of wooing. it was 3 months NC except some marriage counselling. but now it seems blindingly obvious that it should have been.

all the small gestures now feel like too little too late.