I haven't posted on here for quite a while, and to be honest even reading the other threads here has been something I've been avoiding recently. There is so much sadness and anger and people having to deal with truly awful situations. Affairs seems to be everywhere, and reading the hurt and devastation that they're causing is so hard. It really brings me back to when I first found out, and that's a happy place to be.
But I thought that actually, it would probably be good for me to do an update amidst all the sadness. I'm 4 months past discovering my husband's affair. It's not long in some ways, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. The first 3 months are not something I would ever re-live. Even thinking about them is too painful. But the last 3 weeks or so have been very different, and I feel in quite a different place now. I can say quite confidently that I feel I'm at a place of acceptance, and that it doesn't hurt the way it did. We've been in marriage counselling, I've had my own counselling and my husband has been seeing a psychotherapist. Each of these has really helped us evaluate where we've been, the how / why / what of my husband's behaviour, where we are now and where we want to be. He's been doing everything he possibly can to show me that he knows he fucked up, that he can't change what he's done, but that he wants to do everything to move past it and focus on what we can do now. It's not been easy or smooth, and I have had hideous ups and downs of questioning everything about the affair, him, our life, our future and so on. I expect there will be continue to be ups and downs - but I feel positive about now and our future. I believe he is remorseful, and I believe we can get past this. I am so much stronger than I ever imagined I could be. My husband is in a much better place than he has been for years. We are talking and sharing and being honest. It's made me realise how long it is since we've been like this - much longer than just the affair period.
I think I will still always struggle with the "how" of him having the affair. I understand his perspective on "why" - I disagree with some of it as we have different perspectives on some of our challenges over the last 5-10 years - but I can understand how he saw things now. The "how" is so much harder, but it's less of an obstacle. I can only hope it becomes less and less so over time.
The OW is nothing to me now. I did actually google her yesterday for the first time in ages, just out of curiousty. She's re-instated her linked-in profile so I braced myself for seeing her photo - but I just felt pity and small amount of disgust. She really is nothing, and not worth my time and energy.
I never thought 4 months ago that I could feel like I do now. It's not perfect, and I'm still sad when I think that I'll always be someone whose husband had an affair. But that's looking back, and when I look forward, it's a very different view. We couldn't be where we are without us both wanting it to work, my husband being truly sorry, him taking responsibility or his actions and addressing them through therapy, and us both appreciating the importance of communication.
So I suppose what I wanted to get across is that there IS hope, depending on the situation and what you both want. Big non-mumsnet hugs to anyone going through this - it's not something I'd wish on anyone, but there is a chance that it can work out.