support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

I hope you enjoyed painting it, though, human?

I think sometimes we are our own worse critics. I played in an orchestral concert tonight. I didn't play my best (in the past I would have been down on myself for that), but I had loads of fun and I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a concert as much. Now chilling with a glass of wine!

Woo hoo, well done x

Christina It's not so much that things have taken a step back, it's that I think I have reached the end of my emotional strength.

I would love to stay in bed all day today and not have to pretend to the DC's but I've got to get up and cook Sunday lunch, my eldest loves his Sunday lunch and would be gutted if he had to miss out again! (I didn't feel up to it last Sunday)

Before this happened I always imagined that infidelity in a marriage would lead to anger, lots and lots of anger. And yes, I do still feel anger, but most of all I feel pathetic. I'm embarrassed by how much I cry, and how hard it is to keep going, I always thought I was strong, but now I'm not, I'm like a heartbroken teenager.

And I still feel upset about the OW, if they had caused me as much physical pain as mental pain then they would be taken to court. Why do they get away Scott free? People say 'they're not worth it' which in a way makes it worse, so worthless people have wrecked my life and get to carry on with no consequences? They all knew about me but thought that I didn't matter, they could send photos to my husband and ask for photos back, where is any respect for another human being? My husband at least has the semi excuse that he was undergoing a psychotic episode brought on by extreme stress/BPD.

I'm sick of myself.

Despite all of my whinging I am happy for all of you who are having good days at the moment. I'm glad that you're feeling better in yourselves, long may it continue!

Ah Dreaming, your not pathetic, you are going through one of the most painful things a human being can

He has taken your dreams and destroyed them, your scared, hurt and the one person who you would normally turn to for support is the one that has caused it

I know it isn't very mumsnet but I do so wish I could give you a hug

I'm embarrassed by how much I cry, and how hard it is to keep going, I always thought I was strong, but now I'm not, I'm like a heartbroken teenager.

Strong isn't not crying. Strong is getting up on a Sunday morning for your son despite the crying.

All the following is my opinion also it is stated as generalities or 'truths'.
Strong is first of all not to be afraid to be weak sometimes.
Strong also means that you are not afraid to strongly connect to someone. You strongly connected to your husband and this why it is hurting you so much. It is OK. It is the other face of the same coin: LOVE, willing to be vulnerable to feel close to the other )your H). Unfortunately he betrayed you- and hurt you in the vulnerability of your closeness.
You are strong. Your pain and suffering are strong because you are strong because you were deeply and strongly connected to him and committed to your marriage - husband and kid/s.
Because you are strong you will be able to get back on your feet- to reconnect to your inner self just like before you were willing to bring this Other (your H) so close to you. Do not beat yourself for the pain you are feeling today. It is OK. Feel it. Nurse it. Neglect the housework. Take the kids to some restaurant or family pub they like (even to McDonald) instead of cooking the Sunday dinner/lunch. They will enjoy it- and you will relax a bit. It is OK not to like this OW- to be upset at her or whatever. Perfectly OK. They are not as innocent as many people might think. They know to prey and to not let go- especially good married fathers. There are studies that clearly show that.
I repeat to myself few things:
1- in this triangle we have been brought in (without anyone asking for our prior consent) we are the best and strongest Vertex. We will survive its breaking. She will not.
2- let us face it: the one who should have resisted the OW advances is our H. He is the weakest link. He failed. However often than not we the women who decide to rebuild our relationships know that this is not his usual self. It was a mistake - a big mistake- it hurts us- and I believe that it hurts your H (otherwise you would not have stayed.) We must allow ourselves to heal- he must help us- and time only time can help us heal and will tell us how right we are in believing that he is really hurt by what he did to us and he is really doing his best to atone for his behavior.
3- We bring the best out of him- she might have mopped the worst out of him. This is how I feel. Like some nasty wound he had (sex thoughts/believes)- she cleaned and cleared it. What the OW got is not what we got. She got the nasty part of him and we got the best. In your case she mopped up the ugly side of the Borderline Personality Disorder; and I know in my case that his way of thinking/judging monogamy/affairs has been completely changed. Not that he ever thought on committing infidelity until he was roommate for months with this OW. However before the affair he easily forgave friends (girls and boys) who cheated- dismissing sex as some little bagatelle, especially in politics. Now he understands that this is not the case. For instance: he always liked the Prince Charles and could not understand why people do not forgive him his infidelity- but now he fully understands that.

So IMO it is OK to feel weak. To be strong means to be able to love deeply, to open yourself to the Other and make yourself vulnerable; to be strong also means to allow yourself to be weak to be upset and to break and to be able to get back on your feet and grow through your pain. 'No pain no gain' (not that we wanted this pain but c'est la vie.)
So remember when you do not feel like cooking for your kids, it is OK give them a fun meal out and when you are angry at the OW remember that she took nothing good and that her memory will fade in few years time. (Try to remember some girl you did not like at school/at work few years ago and is not in your vicinity anymore: hard isn't it- her memory has vanished/faded.) Good Luck!

Hi all,

I know this is only tangentially relevant to this topic, but I did my second 10k today. I felt totally amazing afterwards - so proud, so strong and so vindicated. I am GOOD at something (well..relatively). It's nice that H is also incredibly proud of me but that is not the main issue - I am proud of me and my healthy self-esteem and drive is my best tool in dealing with the affair and the way it had damaged me.

Iriana

Well done you!

You should be proud of yourself , we are proud of you too x

Irian : Well done! (I just reread your first post- it is really a good one!)

Dreaming: next you feel like you do not want to do cook, can you just send him with the kids to eat out and to have some fun whilst you stay at home with a movie/book/good music/ whatever?

Good luck to all of us!

Irian - well done!

irianofway ??

well done irian!!

and human for getting back to the easel!! (or whatever you use, that sounds a bit weird)

I've been a bit of a lurker recently. still so confused. the ups and downs are constant and day to day, I can hardly keep up with myself.

we had a family holiday at easter and I decided to share a bed with H after 6 months in separate beds. it was ok. and we ended up having sex which was less of a hurdle than I thought.

our eldest son is really struggling with it all and has started seeing a psychologist. we were told by 2 child psychologists and our marriage counsellor that we need to give our kids more security. we need to either be together properly as a couple; joint bedroom, kisses and cuddles in front of the children and present as a team. or we need to separate until we are at a place where we decide we are going to be together or not.

that was a hard pill to swallow. so we decided to take the plunge and really be together. it's so hard. but I guess it's unfair to play out our problems in front of the kids.

we had a really fun time together on Friday at a wedding. got completely drunk and partied together till about 5am. felt like the old days. not so much fun being hungover yesterday with the kids. but somehow I felt more connected to him in our mutual hangover!!

so the plan is for us to both really give it our best shot and see how where that takes us...

and dreaming you ARE strong! you have just been hit by a bus and you are picking yourself up to make a Sunday roast for your child. you are dealing with what life has thrown at you. that is strength.

Hope everyone is doing OK?

Feeling a bit down today. Bloody OW emailed DH at work on Thursday. They no longer work in the same department and she has no reason to contact him. Basically it was just asking if DH's previous boss knows of the affair and she's only asking 'because of present circumstances'.

DH was cross when he saw it. She emailed it from a personal email address and didn't sign it.

We assume she has applied for a job within the company that came up recently and hasn't got it and is wondering if this is why.

DH has no interest in contacting her, replying to her email, and told me about it as soon as he got home and showed it to me.

I just want her to leave us alone. We are doing well and it seems she just keeps poking us every now and again and I feel it sets me back. When DH told me she'd emailed I felt panicky and sick and shaky. Haven't felt like that for a while. Still feeling shaky now.

She last contacted DH on Halloween. Same email address - at this point she'd never used it before and she didn't put her name to it, but obviously her. That one was longer and full of crap about how she never meant to hurt anyone, wished DH well, hoped he was happy and that if he was leaving work (was under threat of redundancy at the time), that he could find a way to say goodbye.

What she actually worried about was whether we'd be vindictive enough to tell her DH about the affair if mine moved on as it would no longer affect us and hoped the email would stop us. Neither of us would.

That one took me a while to get over and i I wrote many many horrible replies (which I never sent I hasten to add!)

I know I shouldn't care but I really just want her to sod off and leave us alone. What on earth does she get from this?

Grrr. Rant over.

Jones

Sorry this has happened, just as you were doing really well

There is obviously nothing happening in her life so she is putting out feelers and testing the water

At least he showed it to you, it would have been so much easier for him to hide it, not much consolation I know

Screwed up these OWs are usually. OK not all there are few exceptions (??). But your H's ex-OW is certainly not an exception- just the plain coward bitch.
Rant at her here on MN and to your H- he must let you rant and vent your anger- as much as you want. We are willing to hear the rant. As long as she does not hear it. IMO the OW should never ever know anything about how you feel and how he feels now. He opened to her the door to your intimate life once. That is enough. Doors must be locked to her now for ever. In fact maybe the e-mails just show what a desperate and despicable woman she is- that will help your H clear his minds of any good memory he had of her.
Gessami: I believe it is nice to be intimate again. The intimacy in long term relationships is very special and delicate. Do you feel secure and loved in his arms? Good Luck!

"What on earth does she get from this?"

She is missing the drama and the attention. She can't believe he went back to his marriage when she thought there were meant to be together. A cloud of high-octane excitement reduced to a cooling puddle on the floor.

If she keeps prodding him she thinks eventually he will respond. Same reason cold callers keep calling even though most people ignore them - because maybe, just maybe, they'll get a sale.

She may also want 'closure' because she hasn't yet worked out that closure comes when YOU close the door.

christina DH says the thought of not telling me crossed his mind for a nanosecond, and only because he doesn't want me to feel hurt.

In all fairness I know that he wants nothing to with her. He has no fond memories of her as it just reminds me what a cruel callous bastard he was and how much he was hurting me (and ultimately him).

Irian It's been a year since they even spoke at all on any sort of 'friendly' professional basis. She has shagged another colleague since (and attempted an affair with him although he wasn't interested).

I don't actually bear her any ill will re the affair. I can forgive that, as I have forgiven DH.

I can't forgive how she keeps behaving since. It's like she has a bloody alarm clock set to 'four months without contact - they must be happy now - let's poke them'. It feels malicious and spiteful and I hate her because of it.

I think that affairs are traumatic- like traumas they got their triggers. And that what she is being: the trigger the constant reminder of the trauma. Can he block her number and mark as junk/spam her private e-mail addresses? That is all you can do and maybe pray that she will soon have no one left to shag at work and will look for another job. (Of course there is the nasty alternative- to tell her to stop else you inform her H about her shagging at work.)
I think your H is now a decent chap. (So at least she took out of him the nasty aspect of his personality.)
Sorry you are having it tough today. Good Luck!

All her numbers are deleted off his personal mobile and his work one. The personal email address she used during the affair was blocked. He can't block her work one as she does send out massive group emails on stuff he has to see for work.

We didn't think to block this one as DH told her after the last one to stay the hell away or we would inform her DH about the affair and we thought she would have the sense (not decency) to comply.

I think she thinks I'm the driving force behind his decisions not to stay in contact / be friends (which is apparently all she wanted after the affair ended - yeah, right!) as she made some jibe in the Halloween one about him having to ask my permission to go and see her for a fond farewell should he be made redundant.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me. It just feels like a constant shadow looming over me.

It's also the deviousness I can't get my head around. This email address was brand new at Halloween so she'd obviously given some thought to the fact he will have blocked the other one, has nothing in the address to suggest it's hers and she didn't even put her name to it so there is nothing to implicate her if we had decided to inform her H.

DH's attitude has been that what we have now is strong and far too special for her to spoil. We have no control over what she chooses to do or not to do. But he can control his actions and he wants absolutely nothing to do with her. As all he wants is me, the kids and to do everything he can to make us work.

I feel angry that she has got away with it. It's not like she's even changed her behaviour post affair. I've been through all the hurt and pain and she just swans around thinking she's so gorgeous that DH is obviously being coerced into making us work, and she's so amazing at her job that only the fact her boss must know about the affair stopped her getting the job.

The hell with her and what she thinks about herself!
BTW I am not sure that deep down she has a high opinion of herself. Did she not try to have an affair with someone else but did not succeed?
She is screwed up and insecure. She uses under-the-belt tactics: she is like challenging your H to come and show her he is a man by shagging her! About her job: I am not sure that she thinks she is the best. She might claim she is the best. With her under-the-bet tactics she might even think that 'affairs' might help her promote herself at work. Joke apart: she is screwed up and it is not worth analyzing too much her behavior- But God where do these women come from? (From stationary cupboards like Ophelie's OW ?) I hope you feel better. Good Night.

ugh, Jones. Sorry. At least he's doing the right things.

how are you feeling today jones?

i think even if OW persists on her 4 month 'poke' schedule, eventually she will fail to have any impact on you at all. you & DH will just hit 'delete' as you would any junk mail, and not give her a second thought.

sounds like you & DH are dealing with it really well together which is brilliant.

Humor can help dealing with it I think! How about noting the date, marking on the kitchen calendar the expected date on which her ugly head will try to sneak out again between you and him and both of you bet on how (e-mails/texts/new e-mail address), what hour (office time/evening time etc) all the little details of her next ugly popping up! So next time she shows her head, you will not talk about her but about your bets and have fun about them - your internal little jokes! I hope you feel better today!