support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

Mama do not avoid this thread, your input has always been and will always be very welcome x

Hi All,

I am in the same position. I found out about my husband's affair just after Christmas, and the birth of my son. Turns out my husband had been unhappy in the marriage and had fallen victim to depression, anxiety and panic attacks (the latter are scary as hell).

We are trying to make it work and it seems to be going ok. He has met all my demands or conditions, is trying his damn hardest and we are talking loads, doing fun things and generally, spending time together. Not to mention our individual and couple's counselling, where were are unearthing all our dead bodies and my husband is learning to address his depression, and hopefully, to communicate. I am definitely beginning to understand him more now. He was such a closed book before. I am also looking to change jobs, as it was my 80 (or more) hour week job and the stress it entailed, and the person it made me, that largely contributed to the problems in our marriage. Not that any of the aforementioned was an excuse to cheat. He could have opened his mouth and complained. He says he was trying to simply be supportive. Anyway.

I find that if I hold it together, everything is ok, but if I get upset, he goes to pieces (literally. we are talking anxiety and panic attacks.), so I try and hold it together. However, it's up and down. I can be ok for weeks and then, just start crying one day. The extremeness of my sadness is diminishing and the gaps between my breakdowns are increasing. My anger also comes and goes like that. My GP, who is amazing, tells me it is a grieving process and takes time. I think with time I will no longer think about it very often. What will remain as the psychological effects i.e. lack of trust and my previously glowing opinion of my husband. As to whether I trust him or not, I don't and I don't think I ever will. However, I think I can live with that and he says that he can. With hindsight, I am not sure you can ever trust anyone 100%. My dad once told me that and I should have listened. As to my opinion of my husband, I guess he's fallible. It's almost, in a weird way, a relief, as everyone thought he was so bloody amazing. I was fed up of my parents singing his praises and of his parents thinking he was a god and that I should accordingly, thank my lucky stars. I also think he thought an awful lot of himself e.g. when I warned him about the other woman, he ignored me because he says he loved me and would never cheat. Ha! Life may be a little easier now in that respect.

I think time will tell. If I am not seeing a future and more happy than not after a year, I will reassess.

I have once controversial question for you all. Now that your spouses have had affair, are you more likely to cheat? Is it something you would like to do if the opportunity presents itself, just for you and/or to even the scales? I do not see myself doing either. Why lower yourself to their level. However, a few people have asked me this or suggested it to me!!!

No, I don't want to change who I am, I have never been unfaithful or disloyal to anyone. It's just not who I am....oh, and I can't bloody hold my own water so I would never be able to lie!!!!!

lou I don't think you should worry about comparing your worries with those of others'. It is what it is, and your feelings are valid. I would be pretty devastated to learn that my DP had discussed problems in our sex life with others in a disrespectful way.

I'm not sure what the "wannabe porn star" reference means. I would caution you against blaming the women for your husband's betrayal.

Red your husband's refusal to let you express your reaction to his infidelity is damaging your mental health. That's not fair. It's not fair when you're trying to put the relationship back together.
I'm guessing he wasn't having panic attacks when he was choosing to have sex with another woman.

He says he was trying to simply be supportive. When he had his affair??

Red hi, I would say glad to see you on the board, but nobody on here is glad to see someone else join, it's never in happy circumstances!

My husband actually said that he wouldn't blame me if I cheated on him, but that's just not who I am, until this happened I couldn't have said I would definitely not cheat but now I know 110% that I wouldn't.

Ma please don't feel bad, your last post - especially the first part - was spot on, it put into words what I couldn't, I will probably show it to my husband to show him how I feel.

Thank you all!
Lou, I am not sure I understood you well.
What do you mean by: 'I was feeling hopeful and now feel like I'm being stupid for trying to make it work?'
Good Night to all of you still awake!

Hi Vivacia,

He did have anxiety while the affair was going on. He became a completely different person and not a happy one. I read that affairs empower men, well not in my husband's case - he put on weight, stopped sleeping, gave up on looking good (crumpled, dirty etc clothes). You get the picture. Other than in the moment, I do not think he enjoyed the affair. When he finally banished her, he only felt relief. I guess that is why he only slept with her four times over the seven months. She was gunning for regular sex, but he said that most of the time he was able to walk away. The sex occurred at particularly difficult times in his depression, and our life, so I think it was a form of self medication.

Anyway, he does let me express my feelings and if he reacts badly when I do, is very apologetic afterwards. He is trying and has gone on antidepressants to help him, and is slowly getting better at everything. In the beginning I screamed at him constantly, even hit and threw things at him (I'm not proud of it), and he just took it. I think that at some point you have to accept the feelings and learn to deal with them, alone. I do tell him, but I have found that if my husband relaxes and lets himself be happy, I do the same. It is like positive reinforcement. So I do not share every flash back or negative feeling with him, only the really bad days. We would never get anywhere otherwise!

He was trying to be supportive during the two years or so before the affair happened, when I was working crazy hours and became a pretty difficult person due to the stress, lack of sleep. Supportive in that he bottled up his upset, rather than burden me with any more. This lack of communication on his part resulted in the mess we are now in. So not a great strategy.

RS

How do you know he only slept with her four times?

Has he been able to talk openly about it and answer your questions?

All you've described is a very dysfunctional relationship - infidelity, physical assault, poor communication. Why do you want to stay in it?

I've been having a really crappy few days - weeks?- feeling really low, finding it really hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Am I in a tunnel or am I in a hole, only digging downwards?

I feel like this situation has made me lose my sense of self. I had a revelation the other day about my husband's diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and what it had done to me. All through my life people have described me as 'nice,' 'lovely,' 'friendly.' But now when I look at myself I see a horrible person, and I have come to realise that that is due to how my husband has seen me for the past 17 years, as this person who is to be adored but also feared, almost like some deity who must be given sacrifices to appease them.

Now I can see rationally that I am not this person, that I am nice, but 17 years of having him be scared of me and of ever causing an argument in case he upsets me has turned that rational thinking on its head.

I feel like a failure, I feel like I fail at everything I do. This time last year we were on our dream holiday in my favourite place in the world and I was so happy, now I just find myself grieving for all that I've lost.

Sorry this message is incredibly 'down' and I try not to post miserable messages, but I just feel lost.

dreaming - you are defining yourself by how he sees you. That isn't you. That is how he CHOSE to see you. If most people saw you as 'lovely' isn't it more likely that that is who you are.

This phrase' as this person who is to be adored but also feared, almost like some deity who must be given sacrifices to appease them' says a great deal more about him than you. Did you ever demand sacrifices, did you ever expect appeasement? I doubt it.

My H always said that he was 'punching above his weight' with me. I didn't agree with him. Unfortunately it became a self-fulfilling prophecy as he moved from one low-paid job to another, failed to carry his weight in the home, left most of the childcare to me, went to university for 3 years and then failed to get a job in his chosen career for 15 years. All this time I was earning the money, caring for the home and the kids and everything else, and basically carrying him. I never stopped loving him although I did become resentful. So he was then able to say after 30 years 'See! I knew I wasn't good enough for you!' and proceeded to find someone who adored him.

THESE things were HIS doing not mine. The same is true for you. He is the one with the problem. You are still that lovely person. So am I.

Don't let his dysfunction define you.

Vivacia what I meant by that phrase is that these women were just people on Twitter who are only there for sexual purposes (sexual pics, videos and chat). I don't know if this makes it better or worse than someone he knew. These women get hundreds of tweets/messages everyday so his odd one was probably nothing to them. And none of them responded to anything. I would never put any blame on them.

Hi,

He told me it was four times and I believe him, as he was open from the word go and told me absolutely everything I asked, no matter what it was (yes, I got all the sex details) or how many times I asked. I guess he could be lying (I am assuming this is why you are asking), but why lie at four times. I also had the pleasure of reading their messages, and those collaborate what he said. To be honest, the dates, times, events etc all tally, and that was the only time he had the opportunity. The rest of the time he was either in the office, or with me. Ironically, the truth of the affair was much more banal than what I had imagined. Why people would get themselves into such horrid situations is beyond me. The negatives far outweigh the moment of pleasure. On a good day, I actually feel sorry for them, as they have to live with what they did.

It is not a dysfunctional relationship. That actually made me laugh! It was rather a good one before this mess started, and by mess I mean when I started my crazy hour and stressful job, and the ripples from that, then my husbands depression and finally the infidelity. It was all a downward spiral unfortunately and linked. Physical assault? Really? You think thumping your husband on the chest when you have found out he has cheated and throwing a deodorant at him is physical assault? Yes, technically, but there was no intent, just an outpouring of pain and certainly no negative effects, as apparently I hit like a girl :). If it was regular then I guess that is different. As to poor communication, we can all be accused of that in any relationship at some point in our lives, no? His reasoning was very noble. I won't bother my overworked, stressed, tried and often ill wife with my problems, especially during our precious time together. Unknowing to him, after years, it all got to much and then, when he became depressed (he has been depressed before, although he did not know it at the time and we have identified the trigger) and temptation beckoned bam. He made stupid choices. One's he has to live with.

RS

I won't bother my overworked, stressed, tried and often ill wife with my problems, especially during our precious time together.

"Instead I'll go and fuck another woman".

Yes, I do think that hitting is assault. Hitting and throwing things is domestic violence. I'm not saying you would have done much damage, but that's not the point as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure we both hope our children wouldn't end up in such a relationship and I'm sure as hell not modelling that to my kids in the hope that I can help prevent it being their fate.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd urge you seriously rethink why you want to save this relationship and check that you still do.

dreamingofblueskies,

When I first found about my husband's affair, his opinion of me was, frankly, terrible, while his opinion of the other woman was quite the opposite. Some of the things he said were ridiculous, even I, in the state I was in, could see that. I just wrote it all down. Then, I went through the list and really thought about whether it was true, and made my own list. In some respects he was right and in others he was way off. I asked him again a few months after (after weeks of counselling, after his antidepressants had kicked in and after, the affair haze had lifted), and funnily enough his opinions were different, and more akin to my list i.e. realistic. He realised that his depression was making everything black and also, he blacked me and whitened the ow as a way of justifying the affair (that is I understand, from my various books, pretty much a given). He also saw the ow in a new light i.e. she is not quite the angel he thought e.g. she regularly arranged to meet with me, and would then cry and make scenes to my husband that she had to meet me and how difficult it was bla bla bla (that's just one of the many manipulations).

So your husband's view of you is I am sure distorted. Figure out what you think of yourself i.e. what is true and what is not true in what he says, and talk to people you trust if you need a second opinion (my mum and sister were invaluable). The rest is his problem, not yours. He may be depressed, projecting, using as a means to justify his actions... Have you both thought of therapy? It is really helping us.

RS

I believe that if people are going to save their marriage (in a healthy, mutually respectful way) then both partners have to accept that the cheat was at fault. The betrayal was not the fault of a manipulative/mental/obsessive/relentless/controlling (delete as appropriate) other woman.

Hi RedSkittles - your post realy struck a chord with me. We were really string bt the communication broke down when our 3rd child was born and he took over his family business, depression and anxiety set in. He had a ONS and couldn't cope with the guilt, not only of what ahe did but also of questioning our relationship -this intensified his guilt and anxiety.

I was reacting in exactly the same way as you. The more I screamed and blustered (and yes hit him on occasion) the more he shut down and the more hopeless it seemed to him. I would scream and tell him how he was a liar, weak and spineless. I wanted him to react and tell me I was wrong, fight for me, he felt it was true and he didn't deserve it.

My OH drip fed me the truth which made the whole thing much worse. I couldn't let go of that feeling that there must be 'something more' and felt scared to 'move on'. It was only recently that he admitted that he had questioned our relationship at the time, how could he do it if he loved me, did he still love me enough or was the depression dulling his feeling etc etc. Allthough upsetting this info was the final piece of the picture for me, it finaly made sense and I was able to let go of the constant (and exhausting) inquisituion ans seaching for truth. It was such a relief and I could put my effort into moving forwards. This gave him 'hope; and has helped him enormously.

To move forwards we have to work together and support each other rather than the goodie/baddie roles. Like your husband my OH was a paragon of virtue, those who know have all been stunned and he has found it very hard to come to terms with the fact he is not the person he thought he was. Our DDay was 1st Nov, we are feeling better every week - hope you continue to do so too.

Vivacia

I will ask ask why are you on this thread??? You are not going through this

This is a support thread, no a LTB thread, people will make up their own minds. The purpose of the thread is for people who are in similar situation to help you through the difficult times

Red skittles

How is he feeling now? Depression is a horrendous illness

Have you been able to cut back on some of the stress in your life?

Dreaming

You sound pretty miserable just now, have things taken a step back?

It sounds as if this has just rocked everything in your life and you are doubting everything

Quick message, not much time tonight-welcome to everyone new, can't say it's good to meet you because none of us want to be here! Just to offer my story because there's lots of talk of anxiety and depression today. We had the opposite. My depression is what contributed to our situation, he felt that I was "shut down" and was keeping things from him. He in turn kept things he was feeling and worrying about from me, in order to protect me and not make it worse. This led to him being enamoured with a work colleague because it was easier to talk to her than me. I guess what I'm trying to say is to be careful about trying to protect your depressed partner by keeping your feelings to yourself, it will lead to more tension in the long run. xxx

Human

Tell me you have been painting!!!!

Haha, I made a piece of work for a friends birthday. Let's just say, my critical eye isn't happy with it but I think she'll appreciate the gesture. Onwards and upwards...