Well, very difficult night last night, talking into the wee hours and again this morning. The storm has blown itself out and I feel quite calm again.
I did a lot of thinking about the sunk cost fallacy. Although our relationship lost its 'worth' I think it is not impossible to regain it. He is not a bad person, he is kind, caring and considerate. He has never been a liar in any other aspects of out lives. We both went through a very stressful period and lost touch with each other, and I mean stressful, huge upheavals, renovating or home, rebuilding works premises, taking over and relocating the family business, long long work hours for both of us, new baby who never slept, a hyper active toddler, leaching selfish siblings, ill parents.
He sunk into depression and couldn't/wouldn't accept help, he saw depression as weakness (past tense!). He then did this terrible thing as a way to feel wanted and validated. No it is not an acceptable thing to do, I didn't do it and I felt equally unwanted and unloved.
On the other hand when the kiss got 'sexual' his moral compass kicked back in, he stopped it and said no I can't do this. He could have just as easily gone 'all the way' or kept contact with her.
If I think about the worth of my relationship now - sex is good, I am attracted to him , he says he is still incredibly attracted to me. I trust he would never do this again, I trust he would never contact her. I trust I know the 'what, why, when', I need to quit the destructive questions that test if he will choose truth or my feelings. Most of the time we can communicate better, we are both happier until I hit another low. I just hope these will get less frequent and intense as time goes by.
Christina - He is trying to do everything I need to help me through this, about 90% of the time he gets it right. He finds it very hard to deal with the full on crazy meltdowns and the destructive questions. I can understand this. Its makes him defensive, he realizes it is not good enough and has promised to try harder. He recognizes this is all his fault - Vivacia- do I give up on someone for trying but not quite succeeding?
Regarding the cruel comment about finding her prettier - I forced him to tell me. We have always been honest about how pretty/handsome people are, I don't think I am on a par with Angelina Jolie, he is no Johnny Depp, i'st the attraction that counts. He said during his deepest depression he felt like he had blinkers on and could feel no joy in anything. His thoughts of me, the kids, his life were grey and miserable. During his interaction with the OW he felt special, wanted and it lifted that grey feeling, at that time he saw her as vibrant and attractive and he made the biggest mistake of his life.
After he snapped out of it he said it was like his blinkers fell away. He knew he risked loosing me (I had always said I would never forgive) and he actually saw me, properly again. I showed him her facebook page and he said in real life there is only one picture that looks anything like what he remembers - beer goggles or affair fog possibly? I think I can deal with that.
If I genuinely thought I was investing hope and emotion into a lost cause I would cut my losses and go. I am old and jaded enough not to believe in fairy tales. At the moment I think there is still some profit to be made here though - Thanks for listening