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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

support thread! Marriages in recovery!

802 replies

humanmagicmarker · 23/01/2015 13:12

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me Smile

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

OP posts:
Vivacia · 27/03/2015 08:51

I am now on holiday with my H and enjoying it. Still struggle with earlier details, can't change what has happened, but I can hopefully change our future and make it better.

That sounds very positive and promising Smile

MaMaof04 · 27/03/2015 13:34

cool eraser!

Lotsofponies · 27/03/2015 15:06

I am having a bit of a shit time again. No more trickle truth since 26 January, and thought the water was a bit choopy, no storms. Last 2 weeks there hads been a bit of a swell cumninating in a bit of a typhoon last night. DP ended up smashing the washing basket and driving off for 2 hours. I felt numb, no feeling, I just wantt it to go away.

He says there is nothing more to tell, he has told me everything but shen we were talking he let slip a lie. In the first few days post Dday he said the encoiunter had felt so intense, he had not experienced excitement like it for 18 years (thats how long we have been together), this devastated me and he back tracked and said he hadn;t meant it to come out like thatm, he just meant he hadn't been with anyone else for 18 years, it was not a patch on our first kisses etc.. Last night he forgot he had retracted the statement and again confimed that the encounter was equal to our first meeting. Even the good times are now tainted. He said he lied because he didn't want to hurt my feelings - W T F!!!!! I thought I had made it so clear that the lies have been more painful than the act.

I am now doubting everything again and indulged in hours of pain shopping looking at her FB page, picture if the wedding at which he cheated. I cried at work. Nearly 5 months in and I am back at about month 1 again.

Vivacia · 27/03/2015 15:08

That sounds really shit.

You are trying to rebuild the marriage, but he's not keeping his end of the bargain. I respect people's decision to stay in their relationship after an affair, but I feel that it needs both parties to show commitment - actions, not just words.

Lotsofponies · 27/03/2015 15:32

You are right Vivacia. When things are good he can do everything he needs to do to help me. When things are bad he can't cope and does everything wrong. I just don't know what to believe.

My previous relationship went tits up too, he was a serial cheater, I knew he had cheated on his previous partner. When he did it to me I was devastated but always knew that I had to LTB, he was only sorry he had got caught, no hesitation for me, easy desicion got over it with minimal damage to my self esteem.

This time its not so easy. For 16 years he has been the most wonderful supportive partner. 2 years of gradualy drifting apart as he sunk into depression, now 5 months of hell. He says he doesnt recognise who he has become. Do I throw away that wonderful 16 years because of what amounts to about an hour of flirtation followed by a couple of minutes of snogging and groping? I would say no, but the 5 months of lying is another matter. he knows he needs to tell the truth but finds it so hard to vocalise these things he know will cause me such pain. I just dont' know what to do.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 27/03/2015 15:52

Lots

I think a lot of the recovery depends on their actions..in some ways you are testing him and he has to be able to accept that, after all he put you both in that position

You can't compare a 5 minute grope with a 16 year relationship, but for you that's all you can think about and that is only natural

It's like a roller coaster the first few months and your emotions swing back and forth, 5 months isn't really that long....stop looking at her she isn't part of this

Have you both had some help?

Lotsofponies · 27/03/2015 16:18

Yes we have had several relate sessions. In some ways it has helped a lot, learning how to reconnect, which works when we are both in a rational place, learning how our relationship went of course - it was so obvious looking back. The problem is that it just glossed over the betrayal, the counsellor referred to it as a silly drunked mistake that my partner regrets deeply. To me it is much bigger. I am still working through the feelings of loss and rejection. The fact that she is so much younger than me and prettier realy hurt. He said he thought at the time he compared us and he though she was prettier and more attractive than me, but doesnt think that now. I cant see how that could change, she still looks the same.

Vivacia · 27/03/2015 16:19

Well, the issue of sunk cost fallacy aside, I think that five months is a reasonable amount of time to test whether the marriage can survive. I think longer would be.
Do you really think he's lying to you to save your feelings though? Even though you've told him how vital it is that you hear the truth?

I think you need to be clear on where your "deal breakers" are, otherwise you might give ground inch by inch until you're left wondering where on earth you are.

Vivacia · 27/03/2015 16:20

He said he thought at the time he compared us and he though she was prettier and more attractive than me, but doesnt think that now.

Bloody hell! No wonder it's not just a silly drunken incident to you!!

Lotsofponies · 27/03/2015 17:09

Just looked up sunk cost fallacy, it makes uncomfortable reading. I demanded to know if she was prettier and more attractive. I had seen her picture on facebook so knew that she was much prettier. If I didn't want to hear the answer I shouldn't have asked. If he can tell me such an awfull truth why would he hide other things - perhaps he has told me the truth about most things . Perhaps I am just wallowing in self pity. I just don't bloody know.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 27/03/2015 17:16

Your not wallowing, you are in pain, the person you trust most has betrayed you, so please do not beat yourself up...you are in no way at fault here

Yes, problems arise in relationships but it is a real sign of weakness when one deals with it by cheating

The counsellor was wrong by minimizing what happened, it's a betrayal. I guess you need to start asking yourself do you ever think you will be able to move on, has he done enough, has he given you any doubt since discovery?

Please please don't compare looks if will only upset you....has he said why he did it?

Vivacia · 27/03/2015 17:34

I don't see how he could have answered the question in a "correct" way - but then he created the situation in the first place. I think it sounds like a lashing out in anger kind of a question, but I don't blame you for it.

MaMaof04 · 27/03/2015 17:52

Dear Lots!
I think that Christian said something very interesting: 'the counselor was wrong by minimizing' the betrayal. Maybe your counselor is not good for you.
Now I read a lot about men who continue to lie or say semi-trues etc well after DD. There are many of them who do not realize the emotional impact their betrayal and the way they speak about it have on us. The counselor must help him realize that. But it looks as if she is not very experienced.
The longer the relationship the longer it takes time to heal and the deeper is the impact and pain we feel. I personally felt like if his affair tore a huge part of me: I had him in my skin as they say. The first weeks, I would awake up early morning because of the big physical pain I felt in my heart; I felt like a hole was being drilled in my heart. I could go mad at any little thing he said that might be interpreted as if dared comparing us-even just when he just mentioned us in the same sentence.
Your feelings are legitimate and normal. His behavior shows that he does not yet realize the impact his affair has on you. And it looks as if the present counselor is not helping much.
Can you change the counselor? I did not go to any counseling. I read a lot on my own and I choose to give him to read what would help him understanding my emotions and atone his 'sin' by his behavior. The book that helped me best is: ''How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair' by Linda J MacDonald -It is a good book for partners who want to rebuild their relationship- whether they are married or not. Get it if you can; read it and give him to read. (I know other novels about betrayals - just for recreation reading. I can supply you with names if you want. You need distractions and distractions and someone that LEGITIMATE your feelings. Good Luck!

MaMaof04 · 27/03/2015 18:18

Note in the sentence 'The longer the relationship the longer it takes time to heal' - relationship refers to the original one between the betrayer and the betrayed partner- no to the affair. But of course it also goes without saying that the longer is the affair/the deceit the longer it takes to heal and the stronger is the pain we feel.

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 27/03/2015 18:39

Maybe it's because it's Friday and I'm knackered, can you guys explain what the "sunk cost fallacy" is? I've looked I'm Wikipedia and I can't grasp the connection between their financialy based explanation and our situation. Please excuse the tired dingus xx

OP posts:
Vivacia · 27/03/2015 18:44

It's the (mistaken) idea that past investment should influence future decision-making.

Vivacia · 27/03/2015 18:47

So, if I'd just met a man and we'd been going out exclusively for a week and I found out he'd spent the night snogging and petting with another woman, and then lied about it, I'd dump him. Who'd want a man who could betray and deceive like that? It's not a person worth investing time and emotion with.
However, if he did this after 16 years together, that influences my decision and I start to think I do want to be with a man like that.

gessami · 27/03/2015 18:52

from wiki
Sunk-cost fallacy occurs when people make decisions about a current situation based on what they have previously invested in the situation.

so I guess the point is that we should not make bad decisions based on the length of time and effort we have invested in the relationship. we should make our decision on today's facts and circumstances.

I'm not sure that it completely applies. relationships do have ups and downs. and sometimes those downs can be really shit but couples get past them, based upon what they know they have been able to achieve together in the past. we are the only ones who can make that evaluation.

I am no closer to making that decision. but I think it would be foolish to discount the 22 happy years I've had with H in making my evaluation.

gessami · 27/03/2015 19:06

cross post oops

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 27/03/2015 19:08

Thanks guys. I paint pictures and make things for a living, the financial analogies were causing a mental block!!

OP posts:
Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 27/03/2015 19:09

Hence the username Grin

OP posts:
Lotsofponies · 27/03/2015 20:48

He said he did it because he felt that I didn't love or desire him. I was fed up with his coldness and his work obsession casued by his depression. He said her physical appearance was only a small part of it, the main atraction was that she was interested in him and it made him feel wanted and attractive. When he made the desicion he said he felt he was doing it out of spite. He said it was well you I donn't want me but she did, so up yours. He said when it got sexual it felt wrong and he snapped out of it, he said he pushed her away and said sorry I can't do this. Then spent 6 weeks fretting what to do. There is no chance of him meeting up with her as she lives in Finland.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 27/03/2015 20:57

Ok, so it highlighted problems In the relationship. Is it fixable, has things changed, do you want to be with him?

killthewiseone · 27/03/2015 21:29

Thank goodness gessami, I'm glad for you. I also agree with you about relationship time and investment not being as clear cut to try to apply the sunk cost fallacy to. We use the past to help us predict the future. Ok it's not accurate all the time, but it's data we have at our disposal to use and evaluate when determining how likely it is that the life afterwards can be salvaged, and whether it's even worthwhile to try. If all those years before had been good then it's more reasonable to try to put the time and effort into saving it than if they'd been miserable, filled with angry words and abuse.

Lots you sound very mixed up and distraught Thanks With asking the question you already knew the answer to it almost seems as though you were trying to make yourself feel worse. Kind of like picking at a scab to open it up again when you know really you need to leave it alone. But I do think sometimes there is something within us that needs to connect to the pain.
Do you think maybe you asked because, even though you knew the answer, you just wanted to hear him speak the truth? As painful as that would be?

Lotsofponies · 28/03/2015 02:30

Killthewise - yes, I need to hear the truth because he has lied so much. I am scab picking, big time. He is trying, though not realy acheving, I want to be with him, I love him, but I can't let go of the pain. I am frightened that if I let my guard down, let him back in, forgive I will get hurt even more. I just want a time machine, or to go to sleep and never wake up again