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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

support thread! Marriages in recovery!

802 replies

humanmagicmarker · 23/01/2015 13:12

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me Smile

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

OP posts:
beerbelly · 23/03/2015 06:40

I suppose I want him to be sorry and to prove he wants to be with us. We go on holiday on Friday, which obviously be the opposite of having space! I don't know how that is going to go. I think it might feel awkward.

I don't want to lose what we had as a family - I'm just so furious with him! Angry

MaMaof04 · 23/03/2015 06:46

Beer I posted the name of the book that helped us in the other thread. Good Luck. Do not be afraid to pour your heart and be irrational in the first stages. The onus is on him to win you back.

Vivacia · 23/03/2015 06:46

Beer I think you should tell him - "I need to see that you are sorry and convince me that actually you want us to be a family. And I don't want to have to tell you how to convince me. I will know by your actions. I can't trust your words because of how long you have lied to me".

Do you have to go on the holiday with him? Does he have to go on the holiday with? Does the holiday even have to happen? I think it's so easy in the early days to want everything to stay the same. We want familiarity and normality. But that's not going to happen, because the affair already changed that.

I know you don't want to lose your life and the role you carved out for yourself as a wife. But what was that really? It was a life where your husband was intimate with another woman and never give you the option of knowing. It looked so beautiful and was false. Perhaps it will be with him, perhaps it won't, but either way you won't be living that lie in the future.

Christinayang1 · 23/03/2015 07:03

Vivacia...welcome beer belly?????? You are not part of this thread and have been asked to leave on various occasions

Beer...welcome from a real member of the thread, I hope you find the support you need here

beerbelly · 23/03/2015 07:14

Thanks all. This is really helpful. I have downloaded that book on my Kindle and will get him to read it too -holiday reading!

Speaking of the holiday, we both need one - we work really hard. And the children deserve some time felt as a family, even if that might be hard for DH and I. At least there will be sunshine and cava to make it easier!

Vivacia · 23/03/2015 07:26

Speaking of the holiday, we both need one

The different setting might actually make it easy to talk properly, once the children are in bed? I'd just worry that you'll really struggle to hold up the facade and that could take it's toil on your health.

Christinayang1 · 23/03/2015 08:29

vivacia

I am now going to report you to mumsnet...you are not part of this thread and have in fact being mentioning this thread in other posts saying that it is damaging

Christinayang1 · 23/03/2015 08:31

beer

you are still trying to absorb everything and are probably still in shock, go on the holiday but be prepared for it to be difficult, try and build in some time on your own to start processing your thoughts...oh and don't drink too much! one minute you can be crying and the next wanting to kill him x

MaMaof04 · 23/03/2015 08:44

Beer dear! If you have a bit of time read through all this thread and the other one started by LetusGo (the first thread you went to). You might have a better idea of the people who post and you might then know better who are the ones that are a reflection of you and might help you find your path through the hellish time you are going through. You might be like a few of us here who chose the recovery path - with its deep wonderful changes in our relationship dynamic, and its little mundane pleasures such as holidays, movies etc- and you might be like the others who chose to get fixated on penis and vagina and bums and decided to LTB straight away. Now know that even us who decided to give a second chance to the cheater do not claim that recovery is guaranteed- because healing and recovery do depend on the betrayer's humility, resilience and hard work. All we say is : let us try to overcome the bum-penis-vagina stage, give the betrayer a second chance and let us work hard (the betrayer first and then us as well- and not always at the same time as LetUsGo so beautifully summed it up for us) to make it work- then if it is a success all of us (us + the betrayer + the kids if there are kids) will hugely benefit from it, and if not then like LetUsGo's mum (the other thread) said we can depart serenely knowing that we did our utmost best to keep it together. Please be gentle on yourselves: swear if you want- even hit him a bit- go on holidays- take days off work if needed- create a lot of nice family time together (that will give you the first energy so much needed to start the healing/recovery process)- read- watch movies- have walks- meet friends- neglect the housework (or delegate- to him and to paid for helpers if you can allow it)- go for a trip on your own if you want and can afford it- admire the nature- 'smell the roses' in the simplest and nicest sense- (scent?)- distractions, simple enjoyable little distractions do wonder in the first hellish days after DD, just like sweets do wonder for kids who are feeling poorly or about to undergo some unpleasant treatment. Reconnect to your inner tender self but allow your fury to burst out as well. (I believe you will make sure the kids are not around when you are telling him off in strong colored words.) We are here for you- when you are emotional and when you are rational when you hate him and when you love him. Good Luck!

Vivacia · 23/03/2015 09:00

"hit him a bit"?

Yes, I think it's very accurate to say that there is not a common approach to marriage recovery on this thread.

Christinayang1 · 23/03/2015 10:14

I don't think violence is ever the answer, do not lower yourself to that level of behaviour...your also need to think of your dcs

MaMaof04 · 23/03/2015 11:17

Christian- I did not mean controlled and destructive 'violence'- you know how furious you can be at the start. it hurts physically emotionally and at all levels. so you can be carried away. it is OK- if you are not violent by nature it can't be that disastrous. All I wanted to convey is that the first days after DD we feel like an earthquake has hit us and like if all our world is shattered and does not look safe anymore. this is reflected in physical pain, in tears, in changes of mood as you so rightly pointed out to, and in my case in hitting back a bit- I was just falling again in love with him and feeling so secure and happy in our relationship when he disclosed the affaire! I am OK with this first reaction. I am OK with my irrational and primary thoughts and behaviors. I have allowed my fury to burst out. And no the kids have not witnessed my childish/violent outbursts. It happened exactly twice that I hit him at the start. It did help me and I straight away stopped feeling angry at him. It is a bit childish and kind of settling scores with him. I agree Christian. I also agree with you Christian that violence is not the answer.

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 23/03/2015 11:17

A warm welcome beerbelly. I'm not gonna lie, that holiday's gonna be difficult! However, it is possible to keep things civil in front of the kids, 8 months in my five year old still has no idea that mummy and daddy haven't been the best of friends. We only discuss it after he's gone to bed. You'll find this situation is a lot like a grieving process, so at this stage allow yourself to feel how you feel - its up to him to be supportive, answer your questions, weather the storm of your emotions. as someone said earlier, it is his willingness to do this, rather than his words (which will indeed feel empty) that will prove to you whether or not this is a situation worth saving.

Everyone else, sorry I haven't said much lately, I've needed to hide away and regroup - nothing else has happenned, just felt the need to hide under the metaphorical duvet for a while. I hope everyone is well and feeling positive today Flowers

OP posts:
killthewiseone · 24/03/2015 07:02

Welcome beerbelly, I agree with others that it's going to be his actions that matter the most, not his words. With the holiday do you think it would be possible to have time to yourself on it at all? I'm just thinking if it does get too hard then stealing yourself away for a breather could help.

no need for sorry, metaphorical duvets are as comfy as real ones sometimes. Thanks

MaMaof04 · 24/03/2015 10:56

Hi Human- I hope you enjoy reconnecting with your inner self under the duvet!
Killer: How are things going for you?
Gessami: how are you?
Big Hugs to all the others.
I just wrote a post on LetUsGo's thread.
I am OK.
Spring is here!
Have a nice week all of you!

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 24/03/2015 12:45

Theres a thread on here this morning called "am I hurting myself with this affair"

I am literally shaking with anger. There's a woman portraying herself as a victim because she loves a man who is married, (as is she) and he wont leave his wife. her excuse for her behaviour is 'but he came on to me??!!' blaming other people for your lack of restraint, THAT's a good tactic, love!!

she's only worried about her pain, not the marriage she, and her lover, are destroying.

So. F**king. Angry.

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 24/03/2015 14:04

Human

I know, all she has talked about is her hurt, no wonder she can't have a fulfilling relationship

Try not to let it get to you, she really isn't worth it

MaMaof04 · 24/03/2015 14:59

Human, I went to the thread you mentioned and wrote a post.
You wonder what does love means to the OW? Some say that the worst enemies of women are women. Might be true when it comes to our external looks (does any men know what cellulite means?) and might be true when our men are lured by their primary instincts (sex). Feminists do not like to hear it but I think that we women are much more emotionally and much more socially (manipulation-wise?) developed- hence our deep pain when he cheats on us behind our back and hence the OWs' power to lure them. Anyway I am happy that in the affair triangle I am the betrayed one (I would have been more happy not to be in this triangle but...) My daughters (my eldest are hitting their twenties) and I have a clear rule: No to men in relationships. One of my daughters broke up with one of her BF- handsome and nice- when he went to America for too long and did not keep a regular contact- they were still very young teens. Then time elapsed and he came back and chased her again, and she wanted him again but then she realized that in order to be with her he was about to break some relationship he was in; he defined it as 'not serious' /'temporary' for him and his GF, but she refused to go back with him, regardless of how he viewed his relationship.

killthewiseone · 26/03/2015 08:01

Things are going ok at the moment thanks Mama, I think the conversation has defused some of the tension. His appointment is on Fri, shall see what that brings.

gessami · 26/03/2015 08:46

hi everyone.
so last friday I got the all clear on my biopsies. yey!!
after the relief I had a fresh wave of anger & resentment towards H. he wasn't very supportive with the whole colposcopy, biopsy and anxious wait. and of course it was his idiocy in not using a condom that got me there. he says he just didn't know what support I needed and felt guilty about it all. I don't know if I can be with someone with so little emotional intelligence...

rebuilding this relationship is bloody hard!

mama, erazer, thank you for thinking of me.

beer! the first few weeks are so hard. I really feel for you having this holiday at this time. it will be awkward and difficult, but actually you could take advantage of the time and space to really talk to each other.

the one thing I can say that has really helped is therapy. I'd never had anything like it before. but now we go to marriage counselling (or 'relationship therapy') and I have individual sessions with another therapist to help me deal with all the hurt, anger and huge decisions ahead.

good luck x

MaMaof04 · 26/03/2015 09:40

You are great Kill! How is your DD? Good Luck tomorrow! (Just something about AD: if the doctor prescribes some antidepressants to him, then you must prepare yourself for a couple of hellish weeks to start with; indeed the strange alienation from the world around, the nausea you feel about all your life are first exacerbated by the pills and it is only after about a couple of weeks that your mood lift up and you reconnect to the world around. So he will first go through hell and you will have to be here for him because he might even become suicidal to start with- and you will have at the same time to continue catering for the kids and the house. So please be gentle on yourself. I hope you will be able to get some support to help you cope with it all.)
I am very relieved Gessami ! Well they do not have much emotional intelligence compared to us, do they? I hope that therapy will continue to help and strengthen you as an individual and that you will eventually make long-term decisions you are happy with. Good Luck!

Vivacia · 26/03/2015 09:45

he wasn't very supportive... and of course it was his idiocy in not using a condom that got me there... rebuilding this relationship is bloody hard!

There's not much of a hint that he's trying to rebuild the relationship. I am so glad to hear that you got the all clear.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/03/2015 11:45

great news Gessami

erazer · 27/03/2015 07:28

Gessami
I am so happy for you. What an awful wait for the results.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
I am now on holiday with my H and enjoying it. Still struggle with earlier details, can't change what has happened, but I can hopefully change our future and make it better. Distraction helps so much.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 27/03/2015 07:29

Ah good Erazer, relax and enjoy