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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

support thread! Marriages in recovery!

802 replies

humanmagicmarker · 23/01/2015 13:12

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me Smile

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

OP posts:
Sickoffrozen · 17/03/2015 22:37

pink, I don't want to derail this thread because it is obviously helping people. However, can I ask why, after a number of indiscretions, including this major one, are you still with him? Has your previous forgiveness been taken as a green light to continue doing this to you?

msreddotty · 17/03/2015 22:44

Thanks for this thread. I've read a couple of posts and it gives me faith that people can change.

I'm dating my ex who cheated as we split after and not been togther for a few years. I trust him now and I think he's really making the effort, BUT by the powers of google I've found that te OW still works there (we've not talked about her since we split). I am only dating him, but if our dating progresses and there is real love there again, I don't want him around her.

winkywinkola · 17/03/2015 22:48

Pink. Shock

I am so sorry. You must be in hell.

He isn't offering you support or kindness it seems.

Does he want reconciliation? Do you? Have you got to the stage of decision making yet?

I'm so sorry that all those good family and couple times must seem like a total lie.

The audacity of the woman is also utterly shocking.

killthewiseone · 18/03/2015 08:10

No don't shut up dreaming, it was a great post.

I'm sorry I haven't been back to answer posts for a few days, and more sorry that now I'm back I haven't yet read other people's posts. I know that it's very self absorbed of me, I keep coming back and only talking about myself.

The last few days have been bad. I'm the closest today that I've ever been to calling things off.

Christinayang1 · 18/03/2015 08:31

Has anything else happened kill or is it the way you are feeling?

Christinayang1 · 18/03/2015 08:33

Pink

That is truly awful, how are you coping?

killthewiseone · 18/03/2015 08:44

It started on mother's day. He only got 3 hours sleep so was tired and moody and made several PA comments to me. Mon he had a n argument with his dad, again a miserable day. Last night he called out house a Shit hope and told me it's not good enough. He then spent the rest of the evening not speaking and literally hiding under a blanket. He said 3 words to me this morning.

Our DD had threadworms. I've been going into over drive trying to clean every toy, wipe every surface.Sun night I got 4 hours of I interrupted sleep, Mon it was 5. I've been cleaning, cleaning, cleaning but it just seems insurmountable. The house is a sit hole. There are clothes puked whether at various stages of washed, toys lumped in various places either waiting to be processed or waiting to be packed seat. Our house is too small to go through this kind of procedure without it looking like a mess. But today I'm just really upset and angry about how he's behaved, I don't know what's going through his head that makes him think it's ok to be short and then spend the night and next morning ignoring me.

I've been rereading old comments and there's one that's really sick with me. This is a place for couples who want to sort their relationship out. Does he even want to?

killthewiseone · 18/03/2015 08:48

Auto-correct nightmare, my apologies.

Christinayang1 · 18/03/2015 09:02

It's obviously a stressful time so that can't be helping the situation between you, however he does sound as if he is being entirely selfish , if he thinks the house is a shit hole why doesn't he help clean it?

Can you go out for a while today to get away from everything?

killthewiseone · 18/03/2015 09:09

I've got to go to the shops and walk the dog, but do need to spend enough time in the house trying to finish off this cleaning. Not for him, for me, because I want it done. And yeah, I thought that last night - if it's such a bloody shit tip why don't you help. He's told me before that he sometimes wants to blame me for the house but knows he can't. So in other words he does.
Right now it feels like he doesn't really want to be in this relationship but doesn't want to be the one to end it. I'm not sure I want to be either, not with how things are.

Christinayang1 · 18/03/2015 09:11

Can you talk to him and tell him that?

Could you go to the launderette and get everything done in one go?

Christinayang1 · 18/03/2015 09:15

Kill

You sound miserable
Flowers

killthewiseone · 18/03/2015 09:23

I am, can't stop crying this morning. I don't know if my marriage is dead. Sad but thankyou. I think right now I need to pick myself back up, stop crying, and actually get back to being a mother to my kids (though DD no doubt is loving all the TV..)
Thankyou for being here this morning Flowers

Weebirdie · 18/03/2015 10:15

Kill, is now perhaps the time to take a break from your marriage and see where it leads you because there is absolutely nothing wrong with having to step out of it for a while even though you are trying to make it work/

Sometimes we know deep down inside that its over but we just keep on trying because are afraid not to.

Im sorry you're so hurt and upset. xxxx

MaMaof04 · 18/03/2015 10:49

Oh Pink! My heart goes to you! You sound so lovely as a wife and as a mother! and here you are having to drag this big cross! I wonder whether you were not too nice to him and he took you for granted. Of course as a good mum you want to be taken for granted and you want to close an eye over ''bagatelles'' for the sake of the family. But it looks like he is not appreciating it enough.
What to tell you?
You:
Try to be gentle on yourself- close an eye on the mess- do the minimum- delegate it if you can- 'nurse' your pain- accept it- and at the same time hug your kids and yourself- do stuff you like to do and have neglected because you invested yourself in housework and in him. (Watch movies- talk to friends- meet them for a cup of coffee in some nice place you like - just stay in bed with nice movies/books - go to Gym- walk and physically SMELL THE FLOWERS etc). Suffering can open our hearts to others and to other lives, and even reconnect us to ourselves. 'What kills me makes me feel alive'. I just finished reading a book called 'The Silent Woman'- The heroin was putting up with the 'indiscretions' of her cheating partner who sounded as if he loved her in his own way, until a young OW came and swept him off his feet. Interesting thriller! Distractions are a good painkiller and a good healer as well! (In fact for me it is in Distractions that I find the deep nectar of life- they are for me what candies are for kids.)
Him:
Maybe you must arrange for him a separate room. Maybe you should not sell 'cheap' yourself this time. It is time for him to work hard to gain your forgiveness/acceptance. Can you allow yourself to have some marital counseling?
(Of course there is a danger that he might want to leave you and to go to live with her. But you should be strong enough to accept this would it happen. I myself wished- and still do to some extent- that he left me with my four kids. He does not want. That would have been a clear cut situation. I would have focused on my kids and myself. To my kids I would have told them: he is a great father(he is indeed) but he stopped loving me. That happens. Life continues. Without him I would have had more time to be with friends and do stuff I like.)
When I read this kind of post I tell myself:
For the sake of our daughters, and for the moral and emotional growth of our sons, we need to invest more in some kind of neo-feminism, one that allow us to be the sensitive and sensible humans we women can be without making us too vulnerable to the patriarchal society we still are. It is difficult because some men do not want to forgo their ''privileges'' or ''promiscuous nature'', and because too many women (the other women) are out there predating on married fathers who would like to leave behind them their 'traditional' prerogatives. More attached to their wife and children these men are more efforts the OW put into seducing them.
Good Luck to all of us!

Vivacia · 18/03/2015 15:19

Kill I wonder if you'd consider starting a separate thread, specific to your current situation? Flowers

MaMaof04 · 18/03/2015 16:04

Dear Kill!
I am so sorry for you! From your recent posts I understand how distressing and frustrating his behavior is! Instead of helping you go through this terrible situation - your DD's struggle with the worms and your struggle to prevent their spreading and to speed up her recovery- he is just thinking about his little comfort and burdening you further with his passive-aggressive behavior. (This is how I would call his behavior.) His behavior is unacceptable, does not show maturity or consideration to you his partner and to his DD and is just a plain thorn in the ass as at now. Can he find a place to go to for a while? Without him around you can focus on your DD and on you. You ,you need some quality time to yourself. Is there any friend/relative to help you a bit with your daughter? In the house: do the minimum- it is a huge load as it is with the worms and the lack of space in the house. Christina suggestion (launderette) is excellent. It is time to be ruthless and to cut : cut the housework, cut him off your space (just tell him that it looks as if he is unhappy now and since he is not helping the best would be if he can leave until things settle. When your daughter is OK and housework resumes to normal, then you can start thinking clearly of what you want of this relationship and you can either call him back or call it off. I believe that you are welcome in this thread- no matter what you decide. I believe that the spirit of this thread is to help people go through difficult times in their relationships and come out of them stronger, and more tolerant of the others. You wrote your last posts when I was writing to Pink. It is only now that I saw them- My apologies. I am really sorry that you have to go through this. As at now he does not deserve you- you and your DD deserve better. (Do not worry about the TV- it is clear that you will increase your quality time with your daughter when things settle. Beside mums can have nice QT with their kids in front of the TV). Think about your physical and mental health. When you are better your daughter will hugely benefit from it. Big hugs. Call a friend a relative talk to a neighbor- you need someone close to you, you need a shoulder to cry on. We are here for you.

dreamingofblueskies · 18/03/2015 16:28

Kill I think that you and DH need to have a really big talk and lay everything out on the table. Yes, he may be unhappy, but if he isn't willing to do anything about it then it isn't fair that you should bear the brunt of the crap while he just complains all the time.

Either he admits that he's got a problem with his mood and gets help, or as Ma says, get him to leave the house for a while, you would probably massively benefit from not having his disparaging comments constantly fired at you.

Flowers
ohjo · 18/03/2015 20:45

I read the article mentioned in at the beginning of this thread in the Huffington post. I thought it was very interesting, outlining the 3 types of reaction to infidelity in marriage, and how people react and carry on being married.

  1. Those that carry the infidelity in their marriage, and focus on it for ever more, causing bitterness etc, without moving on or dealing with it.
  2. Those who stoically stayed on married for the bigger picture of family unit, mutual friends, marriage vows etc
  3. Those who used the affair to reinvent themselves and/or their marriage

There is no right or wrong. It helped explain to me all the conflicting advice i have received, some people are black and white, whereas others aren't. It is in the end up to the individual. And that's probably the hard part. I'm desperate to save our marriage and haven't given up completely yet in spite of it being over a year down the road from when i discovered his 2-3 year affair abroad….Time makes things clearer and easier. Its necessary to cry one's heart out, over and over again, otherwise it gets stored up inside you and eats away at you. Give yourselves time to recover. I am still totally emotionally exhausted, but a lot stronger for the whole ordeal. If my husband tries and meets me emotionally it would be great. However i'm not sure that's going to happen sadly! I'm giving him a bit longer while i formulate a plan B. I still pray we will make it and be able to stay a family unit.

MaMaof04 · 18/03/2015 21:18

Ohjo good luck dear! Good Luck! I am happy you have a plan B but I do hope you will not need it.

killthewiseone · 19/03/2015 07:24

Thankyou everyone for the kind words and support yesterday Flowers

We had a talk gateway and DH told me he's depressed, and this does make sense when I think of all the things that have been happening. He's phoning the GP today to make an appointment and decide how they're going to take it. I'm going to post on the MH board as whilst I'm more than familiar with having depression I've never had to support a partner with it before.
I do feel a lot better about things today, it's good to know what's going on and see that proactive steps to dealing with it are being taken. He also joined me in some stretching exercise today, a small step but something he's been putting off for a long time so something I'm happy to see.

Christinayang1 · 19/03/2015 07:53

Ah that's good kill, so happy for you xx

MaMaof04 · 19/03/2015 11:29

Happy for you Kill!
Christian: about your counseling- Good luck in your next session!

beerbelly · 22/03/2015 22:14

Please can I jump on board? I have never posted on Mumsnet before and usually use another parenting forum - but I am not quite anonymous enough on there and I can't bare the thought of anyone finding out and judging me for not leaving him.

I found out about DH's affair last Sunday, when I saw a message on his phone. He has kindly prolonged the agony by lying about the extent of the relationship until I snooped on his laptop on Friday night and got the full picture: posh hotels, declarations of love etc. etc.

It's over now. She moved to NZ some time ago so they were just exchanging wistful romantic words, but now he has cut all contact. He has been open to talking about it and is adamant he wants our relationship to work out. I want the same. We have a nice life: two little girls, good social life, nice house and we get along well.

Whether I still actually love and respect him after this, and whether or not I can forgive him and move on, is something I need to work out. It helps to share with people in the same boat so thank you.

Vivacia · 23/03/2015 06:31

Welcome beerbelly

Well, I think it's worth recognising that you could have a nice life, social life, nice house and co-parent your daughters if you separated from your husband.

I also think that having him move out of the family home for a bit is very important in terms of preserving the marriage (if that's the outcome you want). It gives him a taste of what he has risked and has to lose if he doesn't act to save your marriage. Most importantly, it gives you space and time to think about what you need and consider your options.

What are your requirements from him to consider staying in the marriage?