support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

Yes, which is why I want it sorted out - as I've also already said.

I can see what you are doing - you're trying to pre-empt what displeases him or stresses him out and remove the triggers. What is he doing? I ask because he is the only one who can deal with his behaviour (and stop telling a two year old who she does and doesn't love ffs).

I think I can see where vivacia is coming from. Before this shitty situation had happened to me then I would probably be saying much the same things as her.

However, I have now lived through having a husband who was a total dick and broke my heart, then finding out that it was due to a mental illness (Borderline Personality Disorder, and yes, I do have independent verification of this, not just what he has told me).

I now have a different view of marriage/partnerships, both mine and other people's. If this had all happened a couple of years into my relationship, then yes, I probably would have walked away without so much as a backward glance. We were together for 16 brilliant years, then it all went to shit. If it was just that he was a dickhead who just didn't give a damn about me then I would still have walked away. But when I found out about the messages on facebook I was shell shocked because I would never have thought him possible of it. As it turns out he had experienced a stress induced psychosis over a period of 7 months, and so in many ways wasn't to blame for what happened.

The way I look at it is that people who have brain tumours, Alzheimer's or dementia can do and say things that is totally against their normal character. The only difference between that and mental illness/depression is that there is physical proof with the former. They are still all illnesses. I wouldn't leave my husband if he had a brain tumour, so I owe it to the 16 happy years we spent to at least try to work things out. If anything like this happens again then I will be gone, but I have a certain amount of confidence that it won't, as long as he keeps on top of his condition and we keep talking.

My assumption (and feel free to tell me if I'm wrong kill) is that kill knows her husband, and knows that this is not like him, so that is why she is on this thread.

I would never advocate anyone to stay in a relationship where they were abused, physically, emotionally or mentally, but I will support anyone who wants to try and save a marriage that was great but has gone a bit...wrong.

Yes, there are times when I am sad, there are times when I think that this is bloody hard, but those feelings would still be with me if I had left my husband, so I'm not treating myself badly by giving it a chance.

This post is probably massively rambling and not making much sense, but I have tried to explain how I see things, I don't claim to be right, but that's what I need to say to vivacia, what makes what you or I say right or wrong? People are different, the world would be bloody boring if we weren't, and as long as people aren't hurting themselves or others by trying to heal their relationships, then who are we to say they're wrong?

I'll shut up now.

I thought your post made lots of sense, thank you for taking the time to write it. I sincerely apologise to kill, I totally missed the part about your husband's illness. It's no excuse, but I've been using my phone to browse.

I agree totally with dream's perspective about not putting up with a partner who bullies you and your child, but agree that if mental ill health causes this behaviour it's something worth trying to work through. I hope your husband gets the support he needs. I admire people who seek and accept support - it's not easy.

Kill love! I am very messy and inefficient at housework this is why I try to pick up here and there tips to get organized. From your recent post I understand that you are not a lousy 'femme au foyer' like me. You work hard. And he is not able to appreciate it. I am a firm believer in niceties (and in trolleys on wheels). He has not been nice or considerate to you. That is sure. What worries more now is the idea that you might be working too hard in the house- and you have no time to be nice to yourself - let alone to worry about his moods.
I am impressed by what you- as a mother with young kids- did in a day. I admire you. He does not appreciate it. In addition you worry about your relationship and about him. So I really do admire you. But I have a few questions (yeah lazy and messy housewife questions)

• sorry if they are annoying: can you cut on the housework you do? do you cook twice a day or every day? can you switch to sandwiches etc Do you have to hoover every day (you know if you feed the kids outdoors it is less messy indoors)? Do you sometimes use all kind of wipes to quickly clean and disinfect the toilets/bathrooms/sinks? Maybe just maybe if you find a way to cut on the housework and still keep a tidy house then you might find some quality time for yourself- that is good for you and that might be good for your relationships; you might then be able to be calmer when you talk to him about his behavior and about his feelings.

(Cooking takes a lot of time in addition you have to tidy the inherent mess - so it is very tiring. Since I cut on cooking, I have more time on my hands. I must admit that my H encouraged me to do so. I love cooking varied meals- when my daughters come back home in the week ends from Uni, I indulge in cooking a lot of varied 'plats' and the mess is huge...) Good Luck, Kill!

I miss my peace of mind.

I miss being confident. Feeling safe and assured that whatever shit was in our marriage, fidelity was never in question.

I envy my friends who are secure, knowing it hasn't happened to them. Content, safe, sure.

When does it come back?

I want to grill him all the time. The gaps I ask him qs on it are getting bigger. He regards it as another stick to beat him with.

Sigh.

I think sadly that's a bit of a 'how long is a piece of string' question as it will be different for everyone.

Your DH should be answering the questions you need answers to even if he feels like that. It is his fault he has caused you so much pain and hurt and if you are to get through it, he must face up to the consequences of what he has done.

Just posted and it has disappeared. I will try again. I found out end of Sept last year. We were doing well. I decided beginning of last week to ask more questions. I asked and the answer, has not helped me at all. Nearly broke me. I felt as though I was back at the beginning again. Just thought that is what you did. Everyone on mn seems to suggest doing this. I will ask no more questions. I realise everyone is different. Last week was so hard.

Erazer, I know what you mean. But I feel like I have to know everything. The worst parts so that I am soothed that there are no more shocks. Then I can start to heal over without worrying about more information reopening my wounds.

I'm with winky, I want full disclosure then I can make my choices with my eyes open. Move on together, go our separate ways, tackle whatever issues come up. Whatever. But I keep feeling like he's trying to get away with admitting as little as possible. Maybe I'm just the kind of person to trust again?

erazer did you find out something totally new? Or was it just painful to reopen the wounds?

I meant to NOT trust again

Winky, As I said I know everyone is different, but does it really help to have detail, not for me. I know what I need to know and that is enough. If it would help I would ask questions.

gessami I knew about it, but was more detail, difficult to explain, and I don't want to say what. It did open all the wounds again. All it has done is make things harder for me to cope.

Ah Erazer, sorry to hear that

The more detail that is given then the more real it is and therefore more painful

I think the level of detail can be dangerous. I know I'm glad I never actually saw the texts between them. I don't think I could unsee them. Also I haven't asked details of the actual sex, more like when and where did they meet. I don't think I could cope with more than that. I totally get what you mean erazer

gessami you are right not to ask.

Hello, i had another thread going and saw this which relates to me also. I discovered my DH was having an affair abroad for years. I had trusted him completely. Its taken a long time to recover, about 8 months. It sounds like you are lucky because your husband wants to talk to you and is trying to sort it out. I have tried everything but its a one way deal. I am still trying because i still love him, although he has moved on. I have been living in hope that one day he may return to being the husband and man he was before, but he himself says he has changed. So i must get on with my life sadly. Its not easy when there are kids involved and he is a great father. However he was still in touch with OW over New year, is now abroad where she lives, saying he is staying with a friend, so his heart is not in rebuilding our marriage. Its so hard to accept and recognise when it is over, but when one does the mist clears a bit and doors start to open. Good luck, keep working at it, it will be worth it, if you both want it.

Ohjo, that sounds so painful. But you also sound like you have reached a point where you are starting to feel there could be some positive feeling about life without your h around.

There is only so much you can do.

I wonder though, even if both parties may want and will the marriage to work, if too much damage has been done and they will never laugh naturally together again. Relax and just enjoy each other's company.

My h says he was in a really bad place when this woman approached him and started telling him about her bad marriage at a networking event. He says he'd felt shit for years. He had told me he wanted more affection, sex and just lover kind of status. There was none of that.

So whilst I recognise that and we are making up for lost time, as it were, I still wonder what she meant to him even after a 5 week relationship where they met every week, spoke on the telephone every other day and emailed constantly. I'm sure that's the minimum he's told me about btw.

Perhaps I should just cut my losses and accept I will never feel relaxed again. With him anyway. I love him. He's really tried hard but I suspect there may be some stress triggered mental instability there too.

13 months on from D-day, and I can say without hesitation that when DH and I spend time on our own together we do relax, we laugh, talk, cuddle, kiss and are very, very happy.

But it took a good 6-8 months of both of us trying very hard and initially feeling quite awkward to get there.

It has been totally, completely worth it as far as I'm concerned. Our relationship is far better than it was before the affair and we are both happier.

And regarding the questioning, I was very like erazer in that I wanted every detail. DH has told me everything. He didn't minimise or attempt to bluff his way out of it from the start even though the emails I saw were from her only (she was out with work colleagues and emailing him saying she was missing him and wished he was there to talk to - only one was vaguely sexual. He hadn't replied as we were watching a film), and weren't that incriminating, and if he'd been better at deception maybe he could have thought of a way out.

He answered every question, even though he knew some of the answers were going to hurt me, because he realised I needed the answers. I don't think of the details at all now, but I needed them to decide what to do. I don't feel the need to ask questions any more. I just want to move forward now.

However I know if I did ask questions, DH would answer them as best he could even this far on. And while he may feel upset at going over old ground, he knows he has to face up to it still. In fact he has to face up to it anyway, as he is deeply ashamed of the person he became and what he did, and he will never forget how much he hurt me.

Waves to Jones the Steam, so glad you're happy ; I remember your pain well but always ' thought' that it sounded like it would sort out.

For me , I am more a lurker than a poster . I wasn't 'brave' enough to post my d'day story as I felt that my Dh had acted in such an asshole way, that LTB would be the only advice I would get . I'm chuffed there is this thread for those who are needing support.

It's almost 3 years since my own d day when my Dh came home from work and announced he was leaving as he had fallen in love with and wanted to be with OW. He no longer loved me , and could never see himself seeing me that way again. We were over. She had taken the week off work to enable him to move in ( they worked together ).

I had had no suspicions but in retrospect ALL the signs of an affair had been there . I hadn't spotted them as I had been tied up in my own world of pain for months as I had been nursing my parent as they were dying. At D Day in was grieving not for my marriage but my parent I had lost.

We had been together over 20 years with children - married for 17 at the time.

We are still together , we have a different marriage than before. It's a lot more 'honest' than it was. We talk more, we don't take each other for granted, we communicate , laugh and appreciate each other more.
It took work, tears, pain, honesty, to get 'us' back. It wasn't easy.
It was a choice to make 'us' work again .
We both know he had an affair , we both accept that that can't be reversed . He accepted all the blame for it and accepted all the responsibility for gaining my trust again.
We are at the point that the affair isn't the forefront/ focus in our daily lives anymore - if it was I doubt we would of survived.
We have learnt and moved on from it, I look forward again - not back.
Of course I wish it hadn't happened , but truly accepting that he is sorry that it did and accepting his efforts at repairing his damage helped me heal.

pausing

I am so glad things worked out for you, it sounds as if you have been to hell and back

Well dh and I have had our second session of counselling, it was great. Dh really opened up, he talked about the pain he has caused, the trust that he had destroyed etc

I have let him in a bit, and he has changed completely, much more loving and affectionate and considerate, I guess he wasn't sure how to deal with me either

Thank you! You were brilliant when I was going through it at the start.

Glad things are working out for you too

xx

Chritinayang1

Glad it's helped , I think for a good while you 'dance around' each other.
Everything as you knew it gets blown apart and how to interact ( 'what's allowed' ) affection-wise towards each other becomes very confused and you have to Relearn boundaries - esp the affair partner . They know they are damned if they do and damned if they don't .

I found out that I frustrated Dh by 'in all the years , you have never ever accepted one compliment I have ever given you ' - which I have to admit was true when I looked at it.

I have no qualms about accepting them now =
Win: win situation , we both feel better

My DD - this time around - was 10th Jan. We'd been out for one of our children's birthdays the night before and had all (inc the children) agreed we'd had a really good evening. After the children were in bed we sat on the sofa just chilling and watching tv and playing 'guess the intro' of songs from youtube.

I got up in the morning (Sat) with our youngest as was standard (OH stayed in bed as long as possible) I went into the dining room to open the curtains and DH's laptop was open (a very unusual occurrence) and was still on (ie: not in sleep mode) so I went over to it to shut it as the light from them really gets to me. Facebook messages were open with a message between the 2 of them saying good night gorgeous, love you etc and she said he was in the wrong bed. He also said what he was up to - a specific comment which meant he was messaging her whilst sat next to me on the sofa and playing intro games :(

I went to confront him and he admitted it. Said he thought he'd loved her and wanted to leave me and the 4 children (aged from 17 to 5) Admitted they'd met up and had sex in his brand new car (which I'd encouraged him to buy) - which I'd refused to play in myself when we were out one night as my children sit in it :( She was married with 2 late teenage kids. Had worked with him until the end of Sept. Apparently she contacted him and suggested a meeting after she left. He admits there must've been some flirting beforehand for this to have taken place. She left work last Fri in Sept - by the 6th Oct they were meeting (I found a google maps print out dated then of directions to their meeting pace)

They met every week, sometimes several times. They only used condoms once :( He was coming home late (7.30) every night blaming workload and I was feeling sorry for him working so hard and rushing around with all the activities for children myself and cooking early tea for them and something later for us once he'd got home.

In the run up to Xmas he informed me he had a works do and was staying away 18th Dec. I tried messaging him that night to see how it was going and checked facebook for updates etc. He finally messaged me back at 11pm saying he was in the hote la dnit was all over. I replied saying why so early and he said 'work night. people tired, pregnant person etc' and I felt quite aggrieved on his behalf that he'd paid out for a hotel to stay away when he could have come home if it was going to have been that early (about an hours journey) and said this to him repeatedly the next day and that they were all boring for not posting pics on facebook (ike they usually did)

unsurprisingly the works do was a fake - they spent the evening together and she then went home and he spent the night alone in the hotel room (whicih he paid for). There was planning involved (the hotel was booked 9 days earlier) and I'd spent the evening running children around to Xmas discos and was frazzled - but truly didn't begrudge him the 'works xmas night out' at the time...

He messaged her whilst we were on our family holiday in Portugal in Oct, over Xmas and NY, whilst sat next to me on a regular night most nights..... Planning, lies, deceit.... emotions - he loved her - they made love, not had sex

We've been together 29 years and married 20 this summer.

He has a history of 'indiscretions', but never one as bad as this. Not sure I can get through it this time - sometimes it's ok, sometimes it's pure hell. I've only just allowed him back in our bedroom this last few nights - he's been sleeping downstairs since D-day. He doesn't understand my need for questions, my need to know - and my need to repeat stuff.

She was on his facebook friends list - she commented on a lot of his pics (and some of mine where he was tagged) He liked all of her posts over the last few months. She was in my life and I never knew - she's seen pics of me on hols, pics of my Xmas, pics of my children - she shared part of my life and I never even knew :(

Oh Pink, I feel for you. You will get throught this one way or another, you sound strong. Have you had any proffesional support, either with him or on your own. I found it helpful.