support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

I think it's unrealistic to expect a clean and tidy house all the time with little kids.

Can you afford a cleaner once or twice a month?

If only, winkywinkola! I suspect it's not really so much about a messy house, he never used to get so upset or riled by it. I think he's very unhappy, about us, about the situation, I don't quite know, but this is what's making it harder for him to manage his anger/frustration - he never used to be pissy with DD, and I know in his heart he doesn't like it when he is. Just tonight he remarked about being really unhappy, said quite casually - I can't remember what sparked it off. I said we should talk about that, he didn't seem overly enthusiastic. But we're going to have to. We can't go on like this, and I don't want the DC to live through a consistent dripping of negativity, I know living in this kind of atmosphere is only going to hurt them.

Make him talk, why is he so unhappy

Is it time for him to leave? To take some time out?

I think you would feel relieved if he wasn't about for a bit.

not connected. sorry no energy to comment today. just thought I'd do a quick update.

gynae took 2 biopsies. results next week.

why couldn't he have used a fucking condom??

on top of everything else. breaking the trust, the hurt, the humiliation. and bloody HPV 16 too. so I have a lovely reminder for the rest of my life.

I realise I gave very little info yesterday but I actually found out he gave it to me a week after Dday. but now it's an actual cancer scare.

I'll try and have a talk with him tonight. We've had talks before but none I feel that have really gotten to the bottom of it.

gessami, that's really awful.

Oh gessami that is awful

gessami I am so sorry. Sending you hugs and have everything crossed that your results are good news.

Gessami - I'm so sorry, sending you hugs, be brave, flower xxx

Killthewiseone - I realise I'm just an outsider but it sounds to me like depression. He hates his situation but feels powerless. And by that I don't mean he hates you, depression is a funny beast. He works hard, then comes home to a situation where there is mess and small children. He probably really misses the time when he could come home to just you and chill out. He thinks the kids prefer you because you spend more time with them and that makes him sad. It isn't that he doesn't love you, or them, he's finding it tough when everything's so chaotic and, perhaps because he's a bloke, and blokes feel the need to hide their feelings, he snaps at people. I think the "you hate daddy anyway" is a bit of a cry for help and you need to get him out of the house, get a babysitter and go on a date like you used to and make him open up!!

But that's just my opinion, tell me if I'm way off the mark. Men get post natal depression too? xx

Gessami, I googled and read that sometimes HPV 16 disappear with 1 or 2 years. Keep an eye on it, keep positive - a positive mind is a great healer- and we shall keep our fingers crossed that yours will disappear as well. I know it is tough for us to be positive now. Please be gentle on yourself- hug yourself- wrap yourself with a soft blanket or have a nice walk or watch a nice movie- try to do whatever you like to do and reconnect to your inner self and love yourself. Your strength is within you- regardless of the man you are with. Please keep us informed.

Eraser: I saw your caring post at the start of the week. I did not reply because I just read about Gessami. Thank you for your support. I am OK no more; that is not bad at all in our cases.

Killthewisemarker: As human said "you hate daddy anyway" is a bit of a cry for help. So yes you got to find some strength and time to be with him and to listen to him. He might be down. Some men are not good at looking for support or at even admitting their low feelings. About the mess: well I am very messy. It is tough. It is a continuous fight. Do you work? You know I have been working long hours and now I am staying at home. So I know the yearning to come back to a tidy house after long working hours and I know the frustration of spending the full day tidying after the kids and then going to bed with a house still a bit messy. I must admit: My house was less messy when I worked. To start with there was more structure to my days. Then the kids spent more time out of the house (after school clubs, child minders etc). So I was able to be more organized. I sill try to get organized. Not easy. The tricks I saw more organized people do:
1- feed the kids in the parks. In the afternoon and in the evening they pack some food and take the kids out to some play area. The kids enjoy it. Give them to play as long as possible - it will tire them and you might be able to relax.
2- Have big plastic storage boxes on wheel. All the toys go into the boxes. You might have two- or three different boxes: one for the lego and construction games; one for soft toys; one for books and stationery.
3- The toys that are for outdoors games: in a box at the entrance of the house.
4- If you have a bit of money, I would recommend the purchase of the I-robot (this vacuum cleaner that goes around and vacuums on its own) . It helps a lot.

5- if you like cooking hot meals, stick to the easy recipes of food that your kids and H like. Do not feel bad about ordering some take away when you do not have time or strength to cook.
Good Luck to all of us- Special hugs to you Gessami.

thanks everyone x

Gessami, Good Morning! How are you? You are on my thoughts and in my heart.
Killthewiseman: In the MN Discussions of the Day -right column of MN, top right box- there is a thread called: Ruthless Efficiency (RE). It might help you get organized. Let your H knows that the daily wars- and debacles- against the mess in the house are universal. I hope this thread together with the RE one together will support you through your struggles and help you strengthen your relationships.
I hope we will all have a good week-end- even a week-end that is slightly better than the previous one will make me happy!

I have read all the posts on this thread and found similarites, comfort and hope. I was cheated on and dumped many years ago. I vowed it would never happen again. Not long after Dday I posted on MN and got messages telling me to LTB and have STD tests, people were certain that he was lying to me even though they don't know me or him. It overwhelmed and upset me at a time that I needed support. It is so nice to see a positive and supportive post.

So - my story (sorry its long)

I met my DP 18 years ago, we have had 16 wonderful years, but the last 2-3 we began to drift aprt, intense pressure of our respective jobs, a teenage daughter (from my first relationship), a toddler, pregnancy, house move, rennovation project, him taking over his family business etc etc. Communication broke down, snapping and resentment set in. Baby 3 was not a sleeper (still isnt at 2 years old) so both of us exhausted. I supsected DP was suffering depression but he wouldn't seek help, I didn't push him to. Complications from the birth and breastfeeding just killed my libido. He felt I no longer loved or desired him, I felt that he only wanted me for sex. Neither of us spoke about it.

In September he went to his brothers wedding in Finland. He drove there, he was exhausted, depressed and got completely drunk. He got lots of female attention which boosted his ego. 1 particular girl (pretty and 15 years my junior) chatted him up in the early hours, he knew he shouldn't be doing it but he enjoyed the attention and didn't think it anymore than enjoyable flirtation at that time. When she went to go she gave him a hug goodbye she kissed him, he responded briefly, then pulled away and said sorry, I can't do this and walked to another room. He said he was shocked and suprised that she had kissed him, but even more shocked that he had reciprocted. When he turned around she had followed him and stood in front of him, he knew she wanted to kiss him again. He said he knew he shouldn't but all he could think was that she 'desired' him and I didn't, so he said 'sod it' and snogged her passionately, he also indulged in over clothes groping. After about 10 seconds he said it suddely felt very wrong. He came to his senses and pulled away, he said I can't do this and walked away again. He said he knew he had to tell me but couldn't, he spent the next 6 weeks in a sort of daze, he couldn't work out why he had done it and how to put things right. During this time he was alwful and distant to me. He then had a nervous break down on 1 November. This is when I wheedled the truth out of him.

Well I say the truth, it was actualy 26 January when I got the full story, it started with just the chatting up, then 1 kiss, then 2 kisses but no sexual contact. He said it was a mix of not being able to admit to himself what he had done, not wishing to cause me more pain, but mostly fear that I would walk away from our relationship.

Initialy I was devastated, I facebooked the woman, who in a roundabout way confirmed his story, no remorse though, even though she knew he had a partner and children at the time. It didn't make me feel any better either, just foolish. I couldn't eat or sleep and had panic attacks. Getting some medication from the doctor realy helped, I would recomend it during the early stages.

4 1/2 months on things are much better. He instigated relate couselling and saw the doctor about his depression/breakdown and is having individual counselling. This is a big thing for him as he is a very 'manly' man who finds it hard to talk feelings and admit weakness. He understands that his drip feeding of the truth had caused more damage than the 'act'. I knew he was lying (he is a crap liar) and there was more. I am now at the point where I am 99% sure he has told me everything. He has read all the books and help articles I have given him without complaint. He has taken my screaming and raging, soothed my tears, he knows that it is going to take a long time to regain trust.

What helped me most was remembering that I got through it last time and I will get through this again, whether we stayed together or parted. I looked into the finances and made an exit plan. Having this information gave me a proper choice, which for me was to stay. I think it also put the fear of god into OP about how serious this was for me, not the act but the prolonged lying, minimising and denial.

I also spent some time doing things for me, I went to see a chiropractor about my back and pelvic issues, took up pilates, had a new hair cut, new clothes, started wearing makeup again, visiting friends. This was not for him, but to make me feel good about myself again.

I also took responsibilty for my part in the problems in our relationship, I was as guilty of not talking about our problems as he was. I had to accept that what he did was his choice and there is nothing I could have done to change it. It is no reflection on me or how attactive/old I am, it is do do with how low he felt about himself.

Our communication is now much improved, we have had some good times, my sex drive is back (good old hysterical bonding) and I feel confident for the future. I think about 'it' most days, but with sadness rather than intense pain. I tell him when I feel sad because I don't want him to think that just because I am not crying/shouting I am over it. I also feel sad that we let our relationship get to such a stage. I feel sad that the relationship we had (or at least the first happy 15 years) is gone, I feel sad that I can no longer say smugly, 'my DP would never look at another woman'. I know for those who's partners had long term affairs it will be a longer process, but I hope you continue to improve too.

Lotsofponies - don't have time to reply properly now, but thank you so much for your post.

Thanks human and MaMa. Thinking of it as a cry for help does make sense actually, I know DDs preference for me does get to him sometimes.

We have considered depression before human, but after thinking long and hard concluded he's unhappy but not depressed. Though it occurs to me that as I'm depressed myself perhaps this has skewed our perception of what depression should look like and actually he's depressed but just in a different way to me. Shall reconsider.

Thanks for the suggestions and link MaMa, I'll have a link as its always good to be more efficient when you can be. At a certain point I'd be concerned that it was making me responsible for his reactions though. I think he should control them himself rather than me trying to make sure they're never triggered.
I do actually get a lot done through the day, it just doesn't always look like it. For instance, yesterday I did 4 loads of washing (we suspect DD has worms so are on hygiene lock down). I cleaned the bathroom and hoovered throughout all of downstairs. I did washing up from the night before, and then more washing up as it occurred through the day. I cleaned the kitchen sides. I tidied the playroom. I hoovered the bedroom. I cooked lunch and prepped dinner. I looked after the kids, bathed them, Fed them, taking time out to play with them, made sure they had toys, dealt with any upsets. I feel like that's a lot. Whilst he did say the house wasn't as bad today he also went into a talk about how our house smells and we need to get on top of it. It was quite disheartening after all that effort for him to still find something negaabout to say, I think he was just being thoughtless when he said it rather than deliberately finding something to criticise me over.

*negative to say about it

Whilst he did say the house wasn't as bad today he also went into a talk about how our house smells and we need to get on top of it. It was quite disheartening after all that effort for him to still find something negaabout to say

Earlier you asked for reassurance that sometimes his behaviour is as shitty as it feels. Well, I will offer you that reassurance. He's got you trapped in to thinking that if you just do a little bit more hoovering, spend a little bit more time doing the pots, he'll be satisfied. Only, it didn't work like that, did it?

I think that this is a great thread for couples wanting to recover their marriage. I think you'd be better off starting a separate thread.

Christ sake what a sad individual...twice you have been asked to leave but you still persist...get a life

Actually I don't think that. I've said a few times in this thread that I think he's unhappy and its the cause of that needs to be added and resolved not the pots and pans. I think his complaining about the house is symptomatic of deeper, underlying issues.

*addressed

I think his complaining about the house is symptomatic of deeper, underlying issues.

And in the meantime he's got you fretting about the cleaning, walking on eggshells and telling your two year old to "shut up" and that she doesn't love her dad.

Vivacia, You've repeatedly been asked to not contribute to the thread but you're just not getting the message. Please leave these ladies alone. There are other threads they can read and mull over posts that support exactly what you are saying. Let them learn from those threads if thats what they want, but this thread really should be left for those who want to make a go of it regardless of how their situation comes across to others.

Yes, which is why I want it sorted out - as I've also already said.

Wee birdie

Totally agree, how many times does she need to be told

Weebirdie I will post when I think that the advice is dangerous. Reading Kill's post and saying, "buy a storage box with wheels" is not benign, is it?