support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

Winkywinkola - I grilled and grilled for weeks, obsessing continually over minute details. I felt I needed to know everything so I asked and he answered everything.

The need to know more has just faded. There's not much more I think I don't know now, but also the detail has become less important to me (most of the time at least). I have made a conscious decision to look forward, not back. Looking back won't change anything. Looking forward hopefully will.

Winky, when was your Disclosure Day? I obsessed the first days after DD and even the first couple of weeks. As Brontolo suggested the best is to keep asking your H/P questions about details during the first days/weeks- if he really wants to help you heal then he will do his best to remember details and share them with you. Then the obsession will eventually dye off. In my case: the trauma remained longer than the obsession and the pain still submerges me every so often -even without any apparent trigger (I am 7 months post DD). It helps to keep reading this thread: different people are at different stages and act differently to rebuild their trust in their P and their relationship. That helps a lot. Knowledge is power as they say. Knowing that you will eventually overcome obsession helps- so accept it, act upon it, ask your H/P questions and hope/believe deep down that it will soon be reduced. (I think that it might be good to show to your P posts/online info about recovery and post-DD obsession about the details of the affair . He must understand that it is 'normal' and that the immediate period post-DD, the onus is entirely on him to help you heal and provide details. Later on it will be a joint venture to recovery.). Good Luck Winky

Human

Hope you are okay?

winky

I would set a certain time, and a time limit and only in they times can you talk about it, otherwise it takes over your life

Hello all, I'm ok but feel exhausted today following all the tension! Having a relaxing day at home as a family today and feeling quite positive. Good to hear others having a good day too. Thank you so much to all those who kept me going last night
Winky, keep asking questions if you need to, if he's comitted he will answer.

I found out on 13th December.

I've gone over and over it in my mind and with him.

He's getting utterly sick of it now.

I keep trying to trip him up. There was no sex apparently but he's admitted an emotional affair of three or four weeks. The story is the same however I approach it.

Lots of emails and phone calls but only five meetings apparently.

The emails I saw were pretty ardent saying they missed each other, felt horny, how great they each are.

He says it was like having a really good friend. Which I find bizarre after such a short time.

Our marriage was in a very bad way at the time as was/is hers.

He said he was utterly miserable because of our marriage. He didn't believe he was having an emotional affair until he read around it the subject after my discovery.

He's apologised. He's tried to make things work. He ended it as soon as he could speak to her. He's doing everything right.

I am just so angry he did this regardless of the state of our marriage.

I hate him at times. And her. What was so special about her? He says nothing. She just started talking to him about the state of her marriage at some networking event and they hit it off. Flattering each other, reassuring each other there was nothing wrong with them.

He says she doesn't even occur to him unless I bring her up. He has no desire to contact her at all. And will ignore he if she should contact him.

How can I get rid of this anger? I keep attacking him with it. We want to move on. I don't know how.

Unfortunately you just need to go through the stages, have a look at the grief cycle...after all you are grieving for the marriage, man and life you thought you had

It also hasn't been that long and he will probably need to take it for a whirl longer, after all he put you here

Winky, Time is a healer. It is OK to be angry- more precisely it is ok to be still angry. Your DD is quite recent. How to move on? well like any change of behavior (especially the emotional ones) it is a process:
1- you must understand that it is not productive any more- it had an aim- to free the steam but its date has expired and it is becoming counter-productive.
2- you must want to change
3- you set some simple rules- reduce the number of times you attack him on the subject. Gradually. Tomorrow, record how many times you were actively aggressive because of anger. Record both the frequency and the time between each outburst.
4- the day after tomorrow- either skip an outburst (the first one maybe?) or extend the time between each outburst (delay by counting the outburst)
Work gradually on your behavior- have a laugh at each outburst (humor helps) with H. Continue this self-control. I believe you might relapse some time. It is fine. Retake control as soon as you realize it (forgive yourself and be gentle on yourself and congratulate yourself for whatever progress - no matter how little it is- that you do.)
Good luck- patience- accepting your feelings and humor and a bit of tough rational work help a lot. (are you and your H working on the problems you had before the affair as well? ) Good Luck!

I have the urge to contact that woman too. I won't of course. But I would love to spit in her eye. I've torn shreds off h. Now it's her turn.

Ludicrous I know.

Winky, we all went through the phase of hating the other woman and wanting to hurt her. There are posts about it in this thread. It is OK as long as you do not act upon your feelings. Do not be harsh on yourself. It is OK.
About me I am having a very bad day. I am realizing the fragility of his psyche (some new detail- not cancelled by him- I just did not bother the docs I have) - not too much boundaries- people can push them easily- No I do not think he would have another affair (I told him he can anyway- but he has to disclose it to me as it is a sexless marriage- moreover it was his only affaire and he never slept with her when I was with him ; it was only when I was far away from him and he stopped it years before DD)- I fear for our family unit- Gone are the dreams of nice knickers for now... I will not be on the thread today. Gone to the Gym for the morning then family stuff planned before (helping the boys with some tests and spending sometime with my daughter and her BF).

Don't waste your energy winky. It isn't worth it. FWIW I don't beleive anyone who pursues a relationship with a committed person is innocent, they have behaved badly and selfishly (don't let anyone tell you otherwise), BUT they don't deserve a moment of your time or head-space. You have only so much emotional energy to go round - don't use it on her. Use it for you and, if you choose to do so, on mending your marriage.

Totally agree with IrianofWay

I agree with IrianoWay too. Don't give OW head space, but I do fully understand Winky.

MaMaof04 Hope you are OK.

Having a shitty day today. My gynaecologist called to say I need to come in for a colposcopy tomorrow.

H passed HPV 16 to me from OW.

I felt like we were making progress. And now this. I can't help but hate him again.

Im sorry this has happened to you. Really. And today is not the day for anything else to be said.

xxxx

gessami So sorry to hear this. Hugs

gessami- ''MERDE"- it is very upsetting! I am very sorry to hear that! As Weebirdie said: And today is not the day for anything else to be said. Please keep us updated.

gessami

Sorry to hear that gessami xx

So sorry gessami.

Just found this thread. Wish I'd had it 3 and a half years ago!haven't read all posts but so much of what I've read rings massive bells. The feeling of isolation was overwhelming. Thought he was my bf so who could I turn to? Crazy as it sounds while I was mulling over whether the marriage was salvageable I didn't want people to know because I didn't want people to change their opinions of him ( or me) . I also didn't want the children to know as I knew it would change their relationship with him for the worse. I couldn't risk that . He was very much an absent father both physically ( he worked away every week for at least 1 night which was why it was so easy for him.)but increasingly emotionally as he got deeper into the affair. He was also depressed and threatened by redundancy which created further distance between us. I knew I had to accept some responsibility . I had pushed him away and tbh wasn't sure I liked him much anymore. I felt like a single parent juggling work, 3 teenagers and a distant frankly grumpy husband.when I found out I was nevertheless devastated. Felt angry, betrayed, used etc. No argument strangely ( there have been plenty since!) But a cold calm recognition that we had a serious decision to make. Long story short but we decided to make a go of it and it was a good decision. It hasn't been easy but therapy has helped. Together but more importantly he has had lots on his own which has helped him deal with his need for secrecy, his awful childhood and his acknowledgement that intimacy with me needed to be restored. I too wanted all the gory details which he found hard at first but like someone said better to know than to imagine. Trust was a massive issue of course. Took me a long time to stop checking his phone. Don't do that anymore.
Over 3 years down the line and I would say our relationship is stronger than it has ever been. He no longer takes me for granted and I have stopped feeling resentful and critical. I feel that the affair has become part of our history rather than a huge black hole in our relationship as it had been. In other words it is just how it is. I no longer feel the need to rake over although I still.ask odd questions more out of interest than anything else . The sex was never what bothered me. It was the fact that he was intimate with someone else who knew things about him that I didn't. I don't feel angry with her as it was him that betrayed me not her but I confess that I fantasize from time to time that we meet and I imagine what I would say. I guess when I stop doing that I will be well and truly over it! Oh and I have come to realise that many people have their private hells but like most of us they suffer in silence until someone like me confides in them and the floodgates open. I don't want to live my life in a second best relationship. I am aware however that nothing is perfect but with hard work it can be as good as you want it to be. Thanks for opportunity to offload.

Hi not, your phrase 'like a single parent ' rings bells with me. H spent years working shifts and then long days leaving at 7am and not getting home until 7. I was the kids go-to guy for everything for years. I resented that as I was also working full-time and we were still broke as his work earned relatively little. Added to that I had previously supported him through 4 years at university training to be a teacher .... Which he wasn't!

Resentment, no matter how justifiable is a killer to relationships. He felt pushed out of the family and tried to counter this by competing for my attention with the kids which really upset me and made him grumpier and more withdrawn when I didn't chuck the kids aside and go running to fall at his feet .

It was a MESS. And one caused by both of us because of a failure to understand the dynamics of relationships. And exhaustion. And chronic depression on my part.

OW worshipped him, this very ordinary fallible human male, and boy did he lap it up! It felt good. It was only after Dday that he realised what I had been giving all these years, constant support and love, all my hard work and effort had been for him and our children. He recognised it, was humble and remorseful and because he didnt blame me and seem ambivalent, i felt safe enough to reflect and was able to see where I had failed our marriage too. Things are better, and improving all the time. There is still sadness sometimes but I guess that's ok.

NC'ed, still not feeling like my marriage is that great. I need to have a conversation with DH about some of his behaviour, because it can be quite unpleasant sometimes and I don't want my kids to have to experience it throughout their childhood. If he can't/won't change then I do have to leave.

An example from yesterday. He came in and was frustrated by the state of the house. He does say he understands I try my best and isn't upset with me, it's just the situation. But he's quite audible about his discontent, sighing and what not. I made a remark about him always being in a mood (which I know was an unfair thing to say, he isn't). Obviously this didn't help and wound him up more. It was his turn to get DD to bed but she always wants me to and quite often screams/cries for me when I leave the room (she's 2.8). I heard him saying to her "oh shut up", to which I re-entered the room and suggested he wasn't in the right mood to help DD tonight and perhaps he should go downstairs. He said no as downstairs was even worse (ie. messy) and then said to DD "Daddy will get you to bed, even though you hate daddy." At which point I decided whether or not he'd be leaving the room I'd be staying also as I wasn't prepared to leave him alone with DD when speaking like that to her. He got very angry and stormed out.

Examples like that aren't often, but he's not good at managing his frustration with things and can speak to me and increasingly more often DD like crap. I want it to change, But I know ultimately it's down to him whether or not he will - and down to me whether or not I'm willing to put up with it (which actually no, if he can't sort himself out I don't think I will.)

I dunno, I guess I'm after advice, understanding, support? Confirmation that the way he behaves sometimes is as shitty as I feel it is?

Kill

yes his behaviour was shitty, I would be furious if dh spoke to ds like that..she is a toddler for godsake, although he is the one acting like it

If he is so frustrated by the state of the house then why doesn't he tidy it?

He does tidy sometimes. Our arrangement is I try to get done what I can through the day, and then whoever isn't getting DD to bed has to do the evening housework. We take it in turns. We also have a baby, and even when the house can be made lovely and tidy at night, at the end of the day when he's home from work it just looks like a bomb's hit it again. I've started putting the TV on before he gets home so I can make it better before he arrives, and whilst this does help to improve it it's still not great.