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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

support thread! Marriages in recovery!

802 replies

humanmagicmarker · 23/01/2015 13:12

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me Smile

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

OP posts:
gildedcage · 07/03/2015 10:10

Yeah but she does make a good point...if he was really repentant and was worried about his wife/dp, surely he would have turned down the invitation. Presumably it wasn't compulsory, and really he didn't turn it down because at the heart of everything he is selfish. He wants to pretend that your relationship will be the same and you can trust him, to suit his own ends.

I'm really not trying to give you hassle, and things can be good again, but think. ..would you have gone in the same circumstances. ..knowing how he would feel? ?? I doubt it.

brontolo · 07/03/2015 11:35

Each person has to decide what is and isn't ok for their situation. It will differ from one person to another. And it will often involve making decisions that you aren't entirely comfortable with, but you feel you can try to do even if it's difficult.

The aftermath of an affair is fucking awful in so many ways and you find yourself having to choose things you'd never have imagined having to choose. But taking the "easy" option isn't always the right thing. Life isn't that straight forward. And rebuilding trust is just a minefield. But you'll never be able to do it if you just hide away in an weird reality - you have to face things, take risks, deal with uncomfortable situations. It's fucking hard but it's necessary to move on.

And talking of moving on - vivacia, please bugger off. You haven't ever indicated that you have any experience of what people on this thread are dealing with, or shown an ounce of empathy. And the support on this thread is clearly not limited to suggesting a glass of wine - you would realise that if you stopped being so negative and unhelpful.

erazer · 07/03/2015 11:46

Wish there was a like option on posts.

MaMaof04 · 07/03/2015 13:05

I fully relate to your emotions.
In love like in war- Napoleon used to say.
Affairs are traumas- and affairs are a traumatic return from battle fields.
At least the recovery path leads you to a beautiful field (love- trust).
Triggers to affair-related traumas are numerous.
You are on one of them this evening- you are walking straight into a minefield. But it is worth it. It will eventually lead you to Trust and Love. It will certainly strengthen you. There are people out here waiting for you to fall and prove them right. But they are the tiny minority. It looks as if they are not able to understand what it means to be human, to make mistakes, to feel pain and joy. They seem to have zero resilience and a bit of a callous attitude and a bit of a shallow life. The best they can deserve is pity. The vast majority is here to encourage you in the thorny path to trust and deep love, and hug you when you are hurt and to rejoice with you when you feel good.
I will try to pop around this evening. I wish you would enjoy a cup of wine (I love wine- a bit- a glass a day, preferably with dinner.) Chocolate is perfect also. Which chocolate? Which movie? (Thank you for sharing the beautiful text.)

MaMaof04 · 07/03/2015 19:02

Hello Human! You did not post yet- so I will take it that you are OK- 'No news good news'- and that you are captivated by your movie and enjoying the chocolate- Cheers!

MaMaof04 · 07/03/2015 19:31

I got to go Human- I will check on you tomorrow afternoon - good night!

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 07/03/2015 19:43

Well I just got my son into bed and will put on the film when he's asleep. I'm finding this hard but I had a long talk with DH this morning, he texted someone else who was going tonight to ask what the plans were and the friend's reply confirmed what he'd said was happening so that made me feel better but I'm still clock watching - he should be back at 11 if he catches the last train. Thanks for the support, everyone. I am very tense right now!!

OP posts:
MaMaof04 · 07/03/2015 20:24

I have not yet gone Human. I hope your son will be fast asleep soon.
I think that your H is a decent chap. He is really doing his best to help you heal. He cannot refuse to go out on every works evening- especially that (if my memory serves me well) his job is quite specific and there are not many jobs for him in the market. Focus on the film and enjoy your chocolate. Little things give its flavor to this dear life! Maybe a shower, a long warm one before the movie will help you relax and kill the time away until 11:00- and you might also want to wrap yourself with a nice warm blanket under which you do hug yourself ? Be kind and loving to yourself. Now I go, good night tomorrow afternoon I will be back XXX

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 07/03/2015 20:32

Thank you flower x

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 07/03/2015 20:35

I will be fine, just enjoy having a bit of time to yourself x

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 07/03/2015 20:55

The fire is burning, I have a Snuggly blanket and the awesome Cate Blanchett for company. Two hours to go.

OP posts:
erazer · 07/03/2015 21:36

How is it going?

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 07/03/2015 21:40

Just had a text telling me which train he'll be on. He says she's gone home, but as ever, I only have his word for that...

OP posts:
erazer · 07/03/2015 21:42

At least he is keeping in touch. Have to try to trust sometime x

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 07/03/2015 21:48

I want to trust him, I really do. I hate being suspicious of my best friend. But I was treated very badly in my early twenties, very badly indeed (but I'm not going into that...) and I can always hear the twenty year old me screaming in my ear "I swore I'd never trust anyone again, don't be stupid, don't be a doormat, stand up for yourself like I did". She simply will not leave!!

OP posts:
erazer · 07/03/2015 21:51

That's hard. Stay strong you have managed well so far. Distraction works for me. I think of a really good time.

erazer · 07/03/2015 22:17

Are you still their Human?

Original poster
humanmagicmarker · 07/03/2015 22:29

Yup. Starting to feel better, he should be on that train now.

OP posts:
erazer · 07/03/2015 22:33

Hope you are OK. Not long now.

erazer · 07/03/2015 22:38

That's good.

JonesTheSteam · 08/03/2015 08:19

Hope you're OK this morning human?

brontolo · 08/03/2015 09:01

Hope you're ok human.

I realised last night that it has been a whole week since I last cried. I'm sure there will be moments again (probably soon) but it feels so good to realise I've actually made some progress.

It is a beautiful day here which is helping my positive mood even more. Hope everyone has a good day.

erazer · 08/03/2015 11:13

Brontolo
That is good, any improvement is a step forward.
I have found this last 2 weeks or so I feel much more positive. It is a great feeling. I am making the most of it as I think there will still be bad thoughts. I seem able to cope with things better. We as a couple are much closer and more thoughtful about each other. Things have definitely improved all round. Long may it continue.

winkywinkola · 08/03/2015 13:31

How do you stop obsessing about it? Grilling your partner for every detail?

MaMaof04 · 08/03/2015 13:55

Long may it continue to all of you ladies who are feeling much better about themselves in their relationship! It is very nice to read about your pains, struggles and successes!
Human it looks as if you had a lovely me-time evening- despite all the emotional turmoil! I found that the problem of affair-related triggers is that they tend to bring up to my mind not only the affair (a huge heavy cross on its own) but also all the past painful experiences related to my relationships from the past. It looks as if it is the same for you. I try to focus on the differences in the past and current experiences. Like many nice ladies said and repeated time and again: not all situations and not all humans (including men) are the same. We all make mistakes here and there even the best of us- without any intention of hurting anyone. The differences between people who made mistakes are reflected in how they behave when they realize that their mistakes are hurting others. I think that your H is well aware of how deeply he hurt you and that he does his best to help you heal. Have a nice Sunday, Human!
Anony: I hope that one day in the future I will go out and buy nice nickers! Just before you posted about your sexy underwear purchases, I saw in my Gym shower a beautiful girl with beautiful undies. And I wished myself that I will soon find myself in some Victoria Secrets-like shop buying some to myself. I will not be as beautiful as this young girl- but I am sure I will feel the happiest woman in the world when I will do it.
Have a nice week-end ladies!