support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

For those of you further into this than me (I'm only 9 weeks since I found out), how do you cope with feeling low and hurt for a prolonged period of time? Although I'm having good days / times, I just feel like it's always there, ready to drag me down. I can't imagine this feeling ever ending but also can't imagine how I could be happy and really be able to look forward when I feel like this. How do you do it day after day, week after week?

Thank you Gessami for the support. However I do not think that the OW lies to protect her child. Here are the reasons (we checked): 1- She got only one bro who lives in another country; 2- Her parents are still in their original remote town and there is no chance whatsoever that they will ever come to visit her. 3- She is not very social. She vaguely know someone from her country. 4- On the surface she wants to be part of the Western society (the little one has a very Germanic name) but inside she professes allegiance to some kind of Islamism. The TV is always on Arabic channels. So the little child meets once in a while the uncle who got problems of his own; she does not even regularly talk to him or to her grandparents on the phone. This other family and milieu are quite abstract and exist only in legal fights. The OW allowed my H to take the little one on holidays when he allowed the OW to join in (in separate rooms- well after he stopped having sex with her.) When the child reached the age of 5 my H did not want anymore the OW to be part of the trips. He wanted the little child to know us and be part of our family. (In fact what he wants most for the little one is to know her identity- be confident in her skin- and have some family life with us.) It is then when the OW started bringing up her milieu (she brought it up when she was in the process of converting -as if- to oblige him to come back to her and she is bringing it now as a way to oblige him to allow her to be part of the trips with the little one- just them as 'a family'). The OW is from the culture of shame (what others say) and not the culture of guilt and might still be in love with my H.
He would have liked to fight for the little one- he is the only family and close affectionate man she knows; he listens carefully to her needs and try to make the OW provide for them. He even started a fund for her. The problem is that we do not have the monies to continue fighting when we are abroad and when we have been told that our chances of winning are very slim.
About sex: we shall see- I am in no hurry- if he needs sex he can have it out (he does not- his choice)- he said sex is not important to him (although he has a very healthy libido and is an excellent lover and looks quite OK)- he said that what is important for him is that I feel OK. I feel OK. Not fully- Not the same- but somehow OK.

Brontolo - this isnt going to be much help but I'm 8 months in and I still feel like this. I try not to think too far in the future, just think about putting one foot in front of the other until I get through today/ this morning/the next hour. I too have good and bad days, I just have to hope it will get beter eventually and the anger and hurt will fade the longer he seems committed to me. I do find myself living in a frame of mind where I think "it won't last but at least he's with me today, so lets just enjoy today".

Brontolo: I am about 7 months after the Disclosure Date.
The first few weeks I felt like if holes were being drilled in my heart. It was a painful awful physical feeling. So I took a break and went on a trip for a week- I walked and read a lot and I let the pain eats my heart- I said to myself Ok it will soon be over-like One Republic sing 'what kills me makes me feel alive'. From the start I had the deep belief that a new heart and a new life will emerge sometime in the future. This is what I thought and said to myself:
1- I said to myself that nothing will break me and I will survive it like I survived the other difficult situations in my life. (I brought up memories of difficult times- they reminded me that I can heal from deep pains.)
2- I said to myself: I can't prevent pain from resurfacing in waves every so often; so I just hoped that the frequency and the duration of the painful waves will eventually reduce in number and intensity.
3- I did not try to fight against negative feelings and the dreadful image of the OW when they threatened to submerge me. When they resurfaced: I said Ok they are here - fine- I will do something I like- I will read a book (I read a lot the first weeks- I felt like when I was a moody teen!!!)- I will have a small walk- I will write on MN- I will chat on FB- I will talk to a neighbor or any open person I meet in my surrounding when the negative feelings images came up to my mind-
4- By fighting against the negative feelings and her image I felt like if I was giving them power over me- when I reached the stage where I accepted them as stones on my life journey my pain started easing. I said I will let my life- river grow by the multiple little acts/facts that make my life special and its big flow will eventually drown the stones.
5- I bought e-books about healing from affairs and read them- I went to various sites and read and read- It strengthened me to know that there were people who went through the same hell as me and came out of it stronger and happier.
It happened. I cannot do anything to change what happened. I must go forward- and when my heart is too hurt to go on with my life I just remember that this pain will soon go and that that this pain just helps me reconnecting with myself and with people around me.

In fact I must say that I feel like if this affair has moved me out of my comfort zone and made me more considerate to others- more forgiving to their silly actions in life- more open to alternative lives (not just to the classical solid family). I do think that I will have to let all kind of people know about the other child and what I feel about this disclosure is akin, in my heart, to what a gay person feels before going out of the closet.
Everyone has his own ways to go through painful times. In this post I tried to disclose how I went through it in the first weeks. Good Luck!

brontolo i loved anon's post earlier in the thread. I think it was on friday. it made me feel like this feeling will pass eventually.

but like I said earlier I too am fed up of being in this place. I want to be myself again.

Brontolo

It is like any for of grief, you need to go through the stages and the time frame is different for everyone

I would say be kind to yourself and If you need to then have some time to wallow int it, however for the most part get up an do something that makes you happy...I spent a lot of time with ds as I cannot be physically sad when he is around, I would go for a massage, I would see a friend who knew nothing about it, then i was forced to put on a face

Remember people go through much worse traumas in life and recover...it will be better

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. I re-read anon's post as I'd forgotten about it and it really is helpful. Might print it out to have as a reminder!

I'm not very good at wallowing, I like solutions and making things better. Which is hard in current circumstances.

But I know the days I do really work hard at being positive are better than the days when I can't / don't do that.

I am so glad that some of you found my earlier post helpful.

I agree with Christina that the grieving/healing process takes time and shouldn't be rushed - and with her and MaMa that it helps to do things that cheer you up and to spoil yourself a bit.

Also - and I guess this really only applies if you were not entirely happy with your marriage pre-affair - use this as an opportunity to think about what was wrong with it then and what you would like to change for the future. If your DP/DH is truly contrite and committed to the marriage then he will be much more accommodating about making/accepting those changes than he would normally be. This may smack of taking advantage of having the moral high ground and his being on the back foot, but his permitting himself the supreme self-indulgence of having an affair makes it fair that the focus now should be on what you need to make you happy....

As I mentioned before, every marriage/situation is different but examples from my own case include his taking on a greater share of the burdens of running the household, making an effort to be more reliable and his making time to deal with appointments for our DC eg school meetings etc. An unexpected upside has been that this has created a virtuous circle: my appreciation for his efforts on these fronts has made him want to try harder.

Also, if anyone had said to me pre-affair that I needn't ever have sex again I would have been quite relieved (despite the fact that my DH is an attractive man and pretty good in bed). I had no sex drive at all - partly down to constant exhaustion and stress. The hysterical bonding sex took me totally by surprise and I was astonished to rediscover my sex drive. I am trying not to let it wane too much now that the upheaval and trauma is over (have taken to buying nice underwear, reading a sexy blog and arranging weekends away at nice hotels...). And I am very clear that I am doing this because I want it for myself - I am absolutely NOT engaging in the "pick me" dance!

Morning all.
DH is going out on a 'Works night out' tomorrow night. SHE's gonna be there. I've known about it for a week but as it gets closer I feel i need a hand to hold about it.

Holdtight, is that you :)

Here to hold your hand. Make sure you have something planned for yourself tomorrow night so you are not sat watching the clock and worring.

Here to hand hold too...

Have you told DH you're worried about it?

Humanmagicmarker,
Make sure dh knows how u comfortable/difficult it is for u before he goes,
My dh had a 2 night work do ( where she was also for one of the nights) last month.
He knew I hated the idea & was scared & upset,
The first night, even tho she wasn't there, he popped out from the meal every hour to call me, which he'd never done in the past, in the end I told him to stop calling as had nothing to chat about!!
The 2nd night he promised not to drink, and to call me lots, I really lost it on the phone b4 he went to dinner & started crying and saying very nasty things about ow,
He called me at 8 to say he had told colleagues he felt unwell & gone back to his room as he couldn't sit all evening knowing that he was causing more hurt/distress,
I also think that he had underestimated how uncomfortable he would feel until he got there.
So, I think if your dh is really a good man deep down, he will do everything he can to help u get thru the evening xxx

Before and during the A H often went out with his work colleagues. I always used to be 'cool wife' about this and not make a fuss even though most of his colleagues were much younger women. After dday he won't go out to anything where she is likely to be and on other occasions encourages me to go along too. It is important to me because his work place/colleagues had become something I associated with the affair so seeing them all is a kind of exorcism.

Thinking of you human.

My OH went our for first time last night, but with an old friend so no connection to OW. I found that hard enough to be honest, but managed to stay calm and mainly rational. I have been quite clear that work nights out would be impossible for me for at least the immediate future. He's conpletely fine with this, not sure what would happen if he wasn't.

So I completely sympathise with how hard this must be for you human. Be kind to yourself.

How are you human?

Got a wee red ready?

Thank you for all your replies. He knows that this bothers me, has promised to text when he's on his way home. It's a dinner, with 8 people going, at a reastauant I know the location of. I know I have to try and trust him, he really has done everything he can to prove he can be trusted so I feel I have to try. Still feel very wibbly but I have a new film to watch tomorrow night to take my mind off it (I'm a big film buff, so this will be a good distraction!) and I'm gonna buy a LARGE chocolate bar to go with it. (I can't drink, Christina, as much as I want to!) I may be here tomorrow night, so I hope to find some of you here with me xxx

We will be here xxx

Heard this in a film the other day. Struck a chord with me so I thought I'd share x

Earth. Even the word sounded strange to me now... unfamiliar. How long had I been gone? How long had I been back? Did it matter? I tried to find the rhythm of the world where I used to live. I followed the current. I was silent, attentive, I made a conscious effort to smile, nod, stand, and perform the millions of gestures that constitute life on earth. I studied these gestures until they became reflexes again. But I was haunted by the idea that I remembered her wrong, and somehow I was wrong about everything.

Hi human, how did it go?

Why on earth are you putting yourself through this? Your husband just had to decide that your feelings were worth more than some meal and choose not to attend.

Vivacia

I think you have been advised once before that this is a support thread...now if you can't offer support then bugger off

Vivacia, this is not the time and place.

If you are persisting in behaviour that hurts you, it is supportive of someone to at least ask you to consider why you are doing it. You could equally say that saying, "Aw, hun, self-medicate with some alcohol" is not supportive.

How many times have you been told on this thread?

You are behaving like a total cunt