Hello all. I have tried a couple of times before to post encouragingly on this thread but my iPad managed to eat both (long) posts before I could send, so here's hoping this one works...
I discovered my DH's 3 month affair just before Xmas 2013, so 14 months ago now, and things between us are now pretty good, much better than they have been for years in fact. So (thus far anyway) rather better than simply a "recovery". I feel secure in his love for me, I do trust him not to stray again and I am no longer haunted by the affair.
I think that throughout the first year post discovery its important to keep analysing all aspects (do I still love him? is it worth trying to save the marriage? do I trust him not to do it again?) with heart, head and gut. And that one of the most important things is to work out why he did it, because if he and you don't know that you have no chance of repairing the marriage and the risks of it happening again are high.
We both have very full time, high pressure jobs and we have a preteen child. For many years keeping all the work/family/home balls in the year has been an immense struggle for us both, and we had very little time for ourselves. I was permanently stressed, exhausted and grumpy and entirely lost my libido. DH gradually became more and more selfish and and less and less empathic, felt unappreciated and was resentful that there was so little fun in our lives...
I recognise that every marriage, every situation, is very different but my thoughts on some of the points raised in this threads are as follows.
On trust: I don't think its wise to attempt to force yourself to trust them (keep listening to your gut) but on the other hand try not to be paranoid. If my DH ever strayed again, having recognised how appallingly he behaved and having seen the agony he put me through, it would be literally unforgiveable. I think he's better than that and I trust him not to (he travels away a lot and I don't have concerns about it).
On finding out the details: I think you have to decide whether you'd rather know the worst so you can move on or whether you'd just rather not know. But whichever camp you fall into I think that it won't work unless the unfaithful partner discloses whatever you want to know. There can be no more secrets...
On anniversaries of events which happened during the affair: just awful, I think because one was living in oblivious ignorance at the time and one has to keep reevaluating the events of a year ago in the new knowledge of what was happening at the time. Each one brought a new wave of incandescent anger at the lying and deception involved. Now happily all behind me.
On anger: eventually you need to relinquish the moral high ground, put it all behind you and become an equal partnership again. If you are still angry and miserable a couple of years down the line its probably time to call it a day.
On contacting the OW. I think that if you're going to do this it needs to be relatively soon after discovery. If its many months down the line, not only will OW have hopefully moved on (and be less inclined to be apologetic etc) but fading memories make different versions of events more likely. I went against the MN grain and got in touch with OW a month post discovery - she was deeply apologetic and explained how it had been from her PoV (thought our marriage was a mere shell, that we were both miserable and staying together for the sake of our DC - there was some truth in that, in fact - and being very much younger hadn't really appreciated just what she was doing). Oddly we are now friends.
And in answer to Christina's question: I found out, he didn't confess. I saw an email from OW pleading with him to reconsider ending it, which he had just done. In retrospect the timing was very lucky as if I hadn't discovered then I don't think it would have taken him long to relent (and neither does OW).
Rereading this post, it has an oddly flippant tone. Didn't mean it to have, but its hard to address these issues in an upbeat way....