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Original poster

He prefers blondes - what should I do

276 replies

mogratpineapple · 21/01/2015 11:50

My husband intensely stares at EVERY blonde woman or teenager ALL THE TIME. I am brunette, obviously.

Even on our special anniversary weekends I cannot hold his attention if there are any around. He says that he loves me and I'm the one he married. I get that, but...I feel second best.

I have told him how I feel, like the kid who doesn't get picked for the team, but it carries on. I refer to myself as the B Team.

I have decided that I must do something else to boost my self-esteem in these situations. I think maybe I should move away from the crowds when we're in public - maybe sit in the car or go off on my own.

Am I being pathetic though? Or do I need to stand my ground?

OP posts:
creativeme · 27/01/2015 19:23

Hi, my ex was exactly the same, mind you it wasn't just blondes it was others too he is now with a blonde version of me, I am sure deep down he wanted that or just anyone who adored him. I would definitely say something to him or do the same yourself and see how it makes him feel, its not nice and its very disrespectful too, sounds like he doesnt know to what extent it effects you. I do feel for you as I had this with my ex for a year before i called it a day! best of luck x

HelenaDove · 27/01/2015 19:25

I think he knows EXACTLY how it affects her Creative.

TabbyNicki · 27/01/2015 20:56

Print and laminate a picture of the complete opposite of your DH. Every time he looks at a blonde, whip the picture out of your purse and stare at it

Grin Grin Grin Grin

ringinginthenewyearO · 27/01/2015 23:58

I don't believe he knows how it is effecting OP at all.
I also don't think he is manipulating her.
I think he is completely selfish, self centered, ignorant and (with his recent 'i have been to a therapist so quickly' line/let's holiday alone line) he's also not particularly intelligent. I'm sorry OP, I realise it's hard to hear it but he honestly hasn't accepted what he is doing is wrong and will destroy your relationship.
YOU need to slam down your fist and say no. The buck stops here.
OP the man you love has not taken you seriously at all. ...because you haven't yourself.

Lweji · 28/01/2015 03:05

I don't agree.

If he loved the OP, he would be concerned about upsetting her.
He has tried to blame her, shift responsibility to her, and shut down all discussion about it. He knows, but doesn't care.

And it's not a partner's responsibility to slam down fists.

We must respect and treasure our partners, not be forced to. Nor should we have to force our partners to respect and treasure us.

RubbishMantra · 28/01/2015 04:17

Creative, OP's made her feelings clear to her OH by telling him; "I have told him how I feel, like the kid who doesn't get picked for the team, but it carries on. I refer to myself as the B Team." So he definitely does know how his actions affect her. She's told him.

Even without her spelling it out, surely he'd know this was hurtful and disrespectful? I'd be mortified to hurt my partner like this. And yet he keeps on doing it. then instead of addressing it, he makes ridiculous statements about holidaying in remote locations and going out alone, so he can do his ogling without interruption.

As I said upthread, if OP was blonde, most likely he'd be ogling brunettes and saying how awesome they were. Seems like his attempt to undermine and make you feel crap mograt. Sad Angry

Mograt, you deserve better than this.

RubbishMantra · 28/01/2015 04:23

Sorry, meant to address ringinginthenewyear0, not creativeme*.

Silly me.

Chiggers · 28/01/2015 11:49

You should ogle buff men and comment to him on how dishy they are, until he becomes so insecure he speaks to you about how it makes him feel. You could tell him that he either stops the leering or you're out. If he carries on, then he doesn't respect you enough to stop making you feel like shit. In which case, get out before your self-esteem hits the floor.

You'll survive without him and your self-esteem will be built back up again. What do you think you did before you met him???

HTH

MummyBtothree · 28/01/2015 11:56

Without sounding harsh, what the hell are you doing with him???? I hate to say it but it looks like your feelings for him run a hell of alot deeper than anything he feels for you. Pick your self respect up my love and get rid!!!!!! xxxx

1Q · 29/01/2015 20:32

Hi OP. Thought you would enjoy these....
Oh and its all tongue in cheek so anyone blonde please take it all lightly...

Black is the color of my true love's hair
His face so soft and wondrous fair
The purest eyes
And the strongest hands
I love the ground on where he stands
I love the ground on where he stands

Black is the color of my true love's hair
Of my true love's hair
Of my true love's hair

Oh I love my lover
And well he knows
Yes, I love the ground on where he goes
And still I hope
That the time will come
When he and I will be as one
When he and I will be as one

So black is the color of my true love's hair
Black is the color of my true love's hair
Black is the color of my true love's hair

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 29/01/2015 21:25

Haha! Thanks for the much needed humour xx

OP posts:
1Q · 29/01/2015 21:54

Oh, and I have never, ever dated a blonde or even been attracted enough to ask one on a date. Always brunettes for me. Just the way it is...

HelenaDove · 30/01/2015 17:25

How are things now OP?

daisychain01 · 30/01/2015 20:13

The definition of a "good man" can be many, many things.

What it isn't is a man who takes pleasure in eye-ing up women just because their hair is a certain colour. And even worse, making a point of showing that preference overtly, to their DW.

Shallow, and to my mind, arrogant. Maybe start putting photos of David Gandi/Benedict Cumberbatch/[name-your-man] on the fridge and see how he likes it Smile

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 01/02/2015 18:17

DH went to see a life coach.

Not much has changed but he pointed out that he only looks for one second. I need to decide if I can live with that or not.

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 01/02/2015 19:55

Does he only look for a second?
Like scanning a crowd?
That's not the way you described it.

AgathaF · 01/02/2015 20:08

Is that what he is trying to persuade himself and you - that he only looks for a second, that it is normal, that you are over-reacting?

What about the other things you said about feeling in second place to him and his friends etc? Can he find a line to get out of that too?

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 01/02/2015 20:33

What proof do you have that your husband went to see a life coach?

What are this life coach's qualifications and areas of expertise?

daisychain01 · 01/02/2015 20:34

The only problem with that explanation is that only looking "for one second" can add up to enough seconds to really piss you off!

You do deserve better, you know. It is good if you can think in terms of whether it's a deal-breaker.

Not entirely sure how a life coach could sort out his behaviour ( other than getting him to improve his self esteem sufficiently to know that acting like that makes him an arse IMO ). Sorry.

Lweji · 01/02/2015 20:36

So, you are ready to believe him and to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. Well, good luck. We'll still be here when you finally get fed up with it.

punygod · 01/02/2015 20:39

Have you thought about shooting him with a water pistol every time he does it?

tribpot · 01/02/2015 20:43

You described it at the start of the thread this way:

My husband intensely stares at EVERY blonde woman or teenager ALL THE TIME ... Even on our special anniversary weekends I cannot hold his attention if there are any around.

That doesn't sound like looking for one second to me.

So the 'life coach' (read: barman) had the advice that you need to decide whether to live with it or not? How does that constitute coaching the person with the actual problem, the pathological fixation on blonde hair/

punygod · 01/02/2015 20:44

In all seriousness, if your partner loved you, he would not want to make you feel bad. He would want you to be happy.

So, if you told him that a certain aspect of his behaviour hurt you, he would listen to you.

If changing that behaviour was not at all detrimental to him, he would change it.

As things are, he is putting his right to look at other women, even for a second, while in your company, above your right not to feel second best.

This isn't good enough for you. You might not believe that, because your self-esteem is through the floor, partly because of his behaviour. But trust me, it's not.

Lweji · 01/02/2015 20:47

(I like the water pistol, although pouring a drink over his head and walking out would be even better)

Just for the sake of argument, I would go out asap and then count the seconds he stares at other women. At second 2 I'd walk out and pack his stuff.

HelenaDove · 02/02/2015 00:08

Life coach? Fucking hell what a load of bollocks.