He prefers blondes - what should I do

[mogratpineapple]

My husband intensely stares at EVERY blonde woman or teenager ALL THE TIME. I am brunette, obviously.

Even on our special anniversary weekends I cannot hold his attention if there are any around. He says that he loves me and I'm the one he married. I get that, but...I feel second best.

I have told him how I feel, like the kid who doesn't get picked for the team, but it carries on. I refer to myself as the B Team.

I have decided that I must do something else to boost my self-esteem in these situations. I think maybe I should move away from the crowds when we're in public - maybe sit in the car or go off on my own.

Am I being pathetic though? Or do I need to stand my ground?

I hear what you're saying, but I can't think of anything else to try right now. Unless I point it out then go away, which was my original plan.

What Nettletea said. He's abdicating responsibility for his behaviour onto you, while at the same time subtly suggesting that if you don't, the marriage will fail. It might not be a conscious threat, but it's there all the same.

Exactly what plainjanine said.

I would be tempted to call his bluff and tell him to sort out some kind of therapy for himself - his GP should be able to advise on the best type. He is either serious about changing, and saving his marriage, or he isn't. If he's serious then he should be prepared to speak to professionals about this.

I have never heard of anything so silly in my whole life as you having to monitor him. We are not talking about a casual glance, or even the odd minor time someon catches his eye- your OP says he stares in a prolonged way at blonde teens and women!

I work on a university campus full of lovely young men and women. My god, your husband would be reported here. Do you think the male professors can all go around ogling and openly staring at the lovely young women here?! Sometimes they are wearing shorts, or even a bikini in the summer, what with this also being their housing! Similarly there are many handsome young men- again, do you think I go around perving over them, staring at them intently?!

Of course we don't, we all go about our business, with the odd glance if someone happens to be extremely good-looking.

As for the person who said some people are 'dressing for attention' the whole point is they are dressing for the attention of other young lovely things, not old middle-aged people who perve over them! They shouldn't have to dress like nuns or monks because others can't keep their eyes to themselves.

I don't even think this is just about his ogling behaviour, I think it is much wider than that, it's about the fact you don't feel special, valued, I can't believe you refer to yourself as the 'B Team'. Now something has gone seriously wrong in your marriage, between the two of you, if you feel like the B Team in your own life and marriage. I would be thinking wider than this and look at how the dynamic has evolved and what could change- if you can afford couple's counselling, so much the better, but if not there's some good cheap books on the internet which may help you articulate the problem, at the moment I'm not even sure you are.

I read this yesterday but couldn't articulate what I found so distasteful about his behaviour and subsequent ridiculous suggestions to you about remote holidays and going out separately.

I still can't tbh, it just makes me feel cold/empty/creeped out all at the same time.
I feel almost scared for you, I don't know.

Don't own this problem though, it's him. All him.

If his only suggestion is that you take responsibility and you manage his behaviour like he is some sort of errant overgrown toddler then yes I would say your marriage is doomed

Are you saying that he genuinely believes that he can't stop 'intensely staring' at blond women and teenagers?

He sounds out of control, sorry.

He suggested that I 'watch his back' and point out when he does it. I should be doing that already, I know, and will give it a go. However, I don't like the idea of this being permanent, only a short-term thing.

NO NO NO NOOOOOOO don't, please don't agree to this. He is now making it your responsibility. It's not your problem fgs, he's not a child sneaking biscuits that you could watch to reprimand behaviour.

Your great weekend description says a lot about where you are in this relationship though. He went to a hairdressers?! while you and your child went out and enjoyed each others company.

As an aside was/is his Mother blonde?

I'm really confused by it. I can't find anything on the net that explains this behaviour.

Is it a symptom of something else, much larger, as Hairtoday says? If so, what could that be?

It could well just be the way his bent runs. like some people are mad on breasts or feet or something. Just one of those things.

But you don't rub your wife's nose in it

He suggested that I 'watch his back' and point out when he does it. I should be doing that already, I know, and will give it a go

No. His behaviour is not your responsibility and do not put yourself in a position where he can end up blaming you for not controlling him.

I'm sure it's already been suggested - sorry don't have time to read all 7 pages - but why not dye your hair if he likes blonde so much?

He's being a creep but surely it's worth trying to save the marriage?

If he still does it after a few weeks then pull the plug (or decide to live with it ). But it'd be a shame not to try.

Yes I do want to save the marriage.

I hope that it's just a habit and nothing more. We can work on that.

No, I will not dye my hair! Besides, I asked him a few months ago if he wanted me to, and he said no!

Fair enough... I think this is probably one of those issues where he knows you're a bit unhappy with his behaviour but might not realise just how unhappy it is making you. You could argue that it's really insensitive of him to ignore the fact that he knows it upsets you but does he realise how unhappy it's making you really?

I constantly moan at my OH for putting teabags in the sink rather than the bin, it does annoy me but not that much and they still do it. If I sat them down and explained that it was a deal-breaker and that I can't tolerate it or being in a relationship with someone that does that any more, they would probably stop.

That'll defuse things

Haha! Very good!

Mograt sorry, I wasn't clear, I didn't mean that your husband had some type of disorder by 'symptom of something else' I meant I think it's probably a wider sign of your relationship not being that great if you refer to yourself as Team B and that you might want to think through how he makes you feel in general and how you are positioned, not just when out against hot blondes but just overall.

Those replies are funny but honestly if I said any of them to my partner now or ex partners they'd think I despised them.

I hope you can sort it with him OP.

Just to say mogra, there is not point in dying your hair. My Ex was like this with red heads. I am a natural red head, but didn't stop him from creeping on every other red head in a 6mile radius.

I really don't understand it! Its only hair What is so great about a hair colour?

My young DC have learnt not to stare.

I am staggered that a grown man is unable/unwilling to not stare at people.

NiceCupOfHerbalTea - I think maybe you should take the time to read the thread. It's really not just about him liking blonde hair more.

How about trying a wig?

Sorry just read the above, scratch that, what a wanker!