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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He prefers blondes - what should I do

276 replies

mogratpineapple · 21/01/2015 11:50

My husband intensely stares at EVERY blonde woman or teenager ALL THE TIME. I am brunette, obviously.

Even on our special anniversary weekends I cannot hold his attention if there are any around. He says that he loves me and I'm the one he married. I get that, but...I feel second best.

I have told him how I feel, like the kid who doesn't get picked for the team, but it carries on. I refer to myself as the B Team.

I have decided that I must do something else to boost my self-esteem in these situations. I think maybe I should move away from the crowds when we're in public - maybe sit in the car or go off on my own.

Am I being pathetic though? Or do I need to stand my ground?

OP posts:
Botanicbaby · 02/02/2015 00:23

DH went to see a life coach

Not much has changed but he pointed out that he only looks for one second. I need to decide if I can live with that or not

you've only got one life, eh, OP? entirely up to you isn't it. you posted here for advice, what do you reckon after reading it?

why did "your DH" see a life coach? only looks for one second, yawn, what prize twat would even say that anyway? does it really matter how long it takes, not the point shirley?

Postchildrenpregranny · 02/02/2015 00:37

My DH of very many years will sometimes comment to me on a really good looking girl/woman e.g. absolutely ravishing waitress on a recent holiday in Poland . I will often have noticed same female myself . A combination of good bone structure, lovely skin and colouring and a healthy radiance is aesthetically pleasing-if that makes me sound odd, then so be it . I might comment on a good looking man ! It isn't lechey , just appreciative. The sort of glance I wouldn't mind a man, even older and accompanied by a woman, giving either of my own daughters. I suppose if I weren't secure in his love it might bother me( I am OK for my age but was never beautiful!) What you describe sounds furtive and really unpleasant.

Botanicbaby · 02/02/2015 00:48

you say YOU might comment on a good looking man but how does your DH of many years react when you similarly comment on a really good looking man "e.g. absolutely ravishing waiter". Will he too have noticed "the same male himself"? A combination of good bone structure, lovely skin and colouring and a healthy radiance that is aesthetically pleasing?

I suppose if your DH of many years wasn't secure in your love it might bother him (even if he is okay for his age but never beautiful).

temporaryusername · 02/02/2015 02:37

A life coach? How is that an appropriate choice?

If he is saying that you need to decide if you can live with this 'second' or not, then he is implying (seriously or not) that if you can't, he won't change that. So is he suggesting that this one 'second' glance at a stranger is more important to him than you or his marriage? Ask him, because if so then it isn't just some insignificant thing, is it? He really can't use that argument - if it is such a trivial thing, he can drop it. If he won't drop it, then it isn't a trivial thing, it extends into his whole attitude to the relationship.

Also, he will be making himself look a total fool. Tell him you might remove your wedding ring in public as you're worried people might think that you're a couple, and it would be humiliating for them to think you were married to some dodgy sleaze.

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 02/02/2015 07:59

The thing is, DH points out that he is not a monster: he isn't a wife beater, alcoholic, adulterer, mean etc. So a blonde fixation sort of isn't a big deal.

So I feel as if I have it out of perspective. Until I come here of course, which was the original reason I looked for advice. No, I am not being pathetic, not one person has suggested that.

OP posts:
Meerka · 02/02/2015 08:19

Er.

for god's sake.

What's pathetic is that he thinks that just because he's not a wife beater that he's fine. That it isn't a big deal.

YOU aren't pathetic. He's being a damned rude arse, has been for a long time and unless he shapes up pretty quick he needs to be out on said arse.

I do think it's reasonable if everything else is ok in the relationship to give him the chance to change. Even to say 'fgs you're doing it again' and to see if, over some weeks, he realises himself and stop doing it. But if he carries on, then he's just an unrepentant arse.

Not being a wife beater, alcoholic, whatever doesn't mean his behaviour is acceptable. Spitting in your face isn't acceptable either.

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 02/02/2015 08:34

Going out the door this morning he suggested that I see someone about the way I feel.

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 02/02/2015 08:35

I suggest an estate agent and a solicitor.

NotYouAgainLorna · 02/02/2015 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2015 08:44

I certainly hope not

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 02/02/2015 08:47

Well if I were making something up it would be a damn sight better than this.

OP posts:
hippymama1 · 02/02/2015 08:47

OP - he's not taking any responsibility for his actions or behaviour - just keeps redirecting responsibility for his stuff on to you... Really mean, unfair and manipulative.

It would be a good idea for you to talk to someone - the actions of this man seem to have shattered your self esteem and confidence and the sooner you can get done if that back, the sooner you can take some action and power back for yourself and then find a man who respects you and your feelings, is accountable for himself and can't take his eyes off you! Flowers

Joysmum · 02/02/2015 08:48

Have you not been on MN long enough to see the pattern here?

He's blaming you!

The thing is, DH points out that he is not a monster: he isn't a wife beater, alcoholic, adulterer, mean etc. So a blonde fixation sort of isn't a big deal

It is a big deal, I'd not put up with somebody continually eroding my self esteem like he's doing to you.

You are not the one with the problem here.

Actually, I lied, you do have a problem. He's done such a number on you over the years the he has you doubting yourself. That just goes to show how he's effectively conditioned you to not be allowed an opinion or trust in yourself.

Yes, your the one with the problem but it's not the problem he's telling you you have Sad

Pagwatch · 02/02/2015 09:05

He is a dickhead. He excuses his behaviour and blames you for feeling over sensitive.

Why do women, intelligent sensible women, believe this shit?
Why do some women accept so very very little from men.

He actually has you believing that he is so weak, so lacking in basic self control, respect and dignity that he is literally incapable of walking near a woman (or teenager - nice) with blonde hair without ogling.
And that you need help.

How are you managing to suspend your basic intelligence to believe and accept this.
Why do you not want more. How can you be with a man so stupid and careless of your feelings that he puts a brief frisson of excitement in his penis before you.

He is a sad, dodgy perv. And yet you are fine with that.

Pagwatch · 02/02/2015 09:08

I'm going to print this thread off to show my 12 year old DD.
I've been trying to talk to her about women/girls who diminish themselves to 'win' a man - who want to please, who see their job as being good enough and how that creates a mindset which is beyond damaging. How eventually they lose themselves and don't even know they have done.

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 02/02/2015 09:33

Do that, Pagwatch. I feel totally stupid today for being so gullible.

And I bet you wouldn't recognise me IRL because I am a secondary school teacher and author. Not a shrinking violet at all.

OP posts:
tribpot · 02/02/2015 09:55

So last week he felt the problem was so severe that he had to lock himself away and you and he could never go on holiday to a place inhabited by other humans again.

This week after extensive therapy with his life coach (barman) he's back to: well I could be an alcoholic wife beater so you're lucky it's just the fact I am a lecherous old man, embarrassing you in public and making you feel like shit.

Bottom line: he doesn't care enough about your feelings to try to address this behaviour. I think he secretly likes the fact that it upsets you so much. He thinks it's because you love him so much you're jealous that he gives 'attention' to other women. As opposed to finding it staggeringly inappropriate, rude and disrespectful. Does he do it when he's out with his mum?

Pagwatch · 02/02/2015 09:59

You shouldn't feel stupid though. That's just blaming yourself and makes it worse.
We all get sucked into situation where, when we look back, we wonder 'what was I thinking'
But please, please take off your love goggles. He is not a good kind man - not when you judge him upon his actions rather than his lovey doveyness.

If you spoke to him without the doubt and the uncertainty you would be in a different place.

If my dh ever said he couldn't stop looking at women and that I needed help I would be unable to hide my contempt. I certainly would be taking the piss out of him and humiliating him every time he did it.

pocketsaviour · 02/02/2015 10:04

OP don't feel stupid. It sounds like he's spent a fair amount of time getting inside your head and you believing that the responsibility for maintaining this relationship falls only on you.

How long have you been together? Do you have children together? I got the impression your daughter you mentioned is from a previous relationship?

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 02/02/2015 10:14

My daughter is his. We have been together 24 years and last July I took a long hard look at my life and decided to take a stand (ha!). Previous to this I focused on my little girl and turned a blind eye to DH behaviour. Last summer I decided to tell him how I feel.

Maybe it's because I left it so long it's hard for him to grasp how second best and undervalued I have become.

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 02/02/2015 10:26

Going out the door this morning he suggested that I see someone about the way I feel.

You could take him at his word and go to see a solicitor. It might do you some good to find out how strong you could be without him.

^^That's not a LTB comment, just a suggestion that being proactive and knowing your options gives you back some power.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2015 10:28

It's not hard for him to grasp

he chooses to behave like this, and he chooses to keep handing the responsibility for you feeling shit about it right back to you

purpleponcho · 02/02/2015 10:37

I hope he gets pepper-sprayed.

PuppetPeppa · 02/02/2015 10:37

I had an ex who used to check out other women all time, waitresses especially, ruined many a good night out.. My self esteem was rock bottom. It got to the point where I would be dressed up for work,out and about on my own and I would see "his type" and my confidence instantly left me, head went down and my customer meeting going rubbish.

We ended badly, years later I wish I had given him an ultimatum, to sort out his wandering eye and treat me better or I would leave. I didn't like the person I became. He dumped me in the end. Ten years on, never been happier.

It sounds like he honestly doesn't think he is doing anything wrong, have you told him that other men haven't done this with you? Have you tried Relate?

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 02/02/2015 10:41

We haven't tried Relate. Perhaps that is the next step.

OP posts: