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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He prefers blondes - what should I do

276 replies

mogratpineapple · 21/01/2015 11:50

My husband intensely stares at EVERY blonde woman or teenager ALL THE TIME. I am brunette, obviously.

Even on our special anniversary weekends I cannot hold his attention if there are any around. He says that he loves me and I'm the one he married. I get that, but...I feel second best.

I have told him how I feel, like the kid who doesn't get picked for the team, but it carries on. I refer to myself as the B Team.

I have decided that I must do something else to boost my self-esteem in these situations. I think maybe I should move away from the crowds when we're in public - maybe sit in the car or go off on my own.

Am I being pathetic though? Or do I need to stand my ground?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 02/02/2015 10:43

24 years is a long time, and as you say that you previously accepted his behaviour, you've inadvertently given him the message that his behaviour is okay. In a way I can understand that his response to your talking about it was "But I've always done this so why are you going on about it now?"

(Not to say that it's acceptable because it totally isn't! - but if it's been happening for so long without consequences, he will have persuaded himself that it's okay.)

This also explains why his reactions so far have been very much about him carrying on the behaviour and you shutting up, e.g. "We won't go out together then", "We'll holiday in a hermit's cave", "You need to see someone". All of these very much say "I don't intend to change this behaviour because I enjoy doing it, so my priority is to stop you nagging me about it."

Since you "took a stand" last summer and let him know how distressing this behaviour was, has anything changed in his behaviour?

hippymama1 · 02/02/2015 10:43

Mograt - it sounds like he has had you exactly where he wants you for a long time and now you are deciding to take a stand, he is doing everything he can to manipulate you back into being the good, quiet, put up and shut up wife.

Stick to your guns! We are all behind you! You deserve better than this emotionally abusive behaviour.

Lweji · 02/02/2015 11:12

For a start, OP, I don't know what you think a shrinking violet is, or what is it about secondary school teachers or authors that precludes either from being one.
You do have problems if you put up with this crap from him and are going along with the shots in all directions he's throwing at you in the hope that one will hit.
Call it for what it is, get rid of him and get some self respect back.

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 02/02/2015 11:20

Hippymama1 - thank you I can see that everyone is behind me. This has stopped me from believing that I'm being ridiculous over this issue. Sometimes I have thought how many really bad husbands are out there and maybe mine is a silly problem. But no, this board has made me realise that I am right to expect to be treated with respect.

Pocketsaviour - things have changed with regard to his behaviour. He no longer checks out the full package (up and down leering thing). I think you are right in that I have allowed the behaviour and thus made it acceptable and so it may appear suddenly odd to him.

The important thing is I know I deserve better than this and will not tolerate it! xx

OP posts:
Original poster
mogratpineapple · 02/02/2015 11:27

Lweji - being a teacher means that I am a confident person who doesn't take any shit from anyone. Well at work anyway.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 02/02/2015 11:31

The thing is, DH points out that he is not a monster: he isn't a wife beater, alcoholic, adulterer, mean etc. So a blonde fixation sort of isn't a big deal - except that it is, because his behaviour has systematically chipped away at your self-esteem over the years.

It's not just this though, is it? You said you felt at the bottom of the pecking order of his friends, interests etc.

This man doesn't cherish you the way a 'D'H should. He doesn't make you feel that you are his world. He doesn't make you feel like the most important or attractive person in the room to him. He doesn't make you feel like you are the priority in his life. Instead you feel second best, not good enough, at the bottom of the pecking order. Who does he suggest you could see that would make you feel better about yourself?

AnyFucker · 02/02/2015 13:12

You have taken a bucketload of shit from your husband, and continue to do so I am afraid.

Were you aware that some abusive people like to choose strong and confident partners to break down, because they present more of a challenge ?

HelenaDove · 02/02/2015 16:15

"The thing is, DH points out that he is not a monster: he isn't a wife beater, alcoholic, adulterer, mean etc. So a blonde fixation sort of isn't a big deal"

WOW So he wants a medal for this. OP Look up the comedian Chris Rock. He has a brilliant routine where he lambusts men like this.

"I take care of my kids. I stay out of jail"

"You are SUPPOSED to you moron"

In other words your DH shouldnt be expecting a medal for behaviour that should be a given.

How would he react if you said to him that you expected kudos for being faithful.

I bet hes got a Madonna/whore complex too.

DoggyDad · 04/04/2021 20:03

Maybe you could try publicly embarrassing him. When you catch him staring at a blonde say to him, "Oh you like her? Let's meet her!" Take his hand, go over to the woman, introduce yourself and say, "Hi, my husband can't take his eyes off you, so I thought I'd introduce you." Even if she's with an SO, or better yet with some girlfriends (women are better at trashing men, after all). When your hubby starts getting uncomfortable, mock him. "Oh c'mon studly, you can handle two women, can't you?" A few encounters like that should straighten him up.

YouWerePrettyIWasLonely · 04/04/2021 20:13

I don't know why you're restarting a six year old thread with awful advice that puts another women in an uncomfortable situation.

EarthSight · 04/04/2021 20:39

This sounds like immature behavior, the sort of salivating that he should left behind in his teens. It's embarrassing for you because women can usually tell when a man is looking at them in this way. It's even more cringey if you're a young women and a man who's much much older than you is doing it.

He has also suggested a secluded cottage for our holidays so he isn't tempted

It sounds like he has a serious fixation on blonde hair, to the point of fetishising it. I really don't blame you for feeling down about it. Everyone wants to feel like they are their partner's type in some way.

I don't have any useful advice really but just wanted to empathise and to point out that if he needs to go to a secluded location to stop doing this, then that's really sad.

EarthSight · 04/04/2021 20:39

Argh.....old thread!

Alcemeg · 04/04/2021 21:02

@Whereisegg

I read this yesterday but couldn't articulate what I found so distasteful about his behaviour and subsequent ridiculous suggestions to you about remote holidays and going out separately.

I still can't tbh, it just makes me feel cold/empty/creeped out all at the same time.
I feel almost scared for you, I don't know.

Don't own this problem though, it's him. All him.

What's terrifying about it is that he is so obsessed with women having a certain colour hair. Nothing to do with personality or intelligence, no hint of a human soul. It's like he'd be happy with their heads on a stick as long as the hair was right. Ugh.
Thingsdogetbetter · 04/04/2021 21:03

Zombie

Alcemeg · 04/04/2021 21:03

@EarthSight

Argh.....old thread!
So it is, too. Gah! Grin
rc22 · 04/04/2021 21:24

I'm blonde and fair skinned. The celebrities my husband finds attractive are Jenna Coleman and Natalie Portman. I asked him if he prefers brunettes and he admitted he did. I see it that I must be quite special if I'm not his 'type' and he fell for me anyway. Admittedly, he doesn't particularly stare at other women or not when he's with me anyway.

Marineboy67 · 04/04/2021 22:43

6 year old post! Yawn

GeorgiaGirl52 · 05/04/2021 02:14

Maybe try to re-program him. Get a shock collar at the pet store. Put it on him and take him for a walk. Every time his eyes linger on a blonde you push the correction button. He is acting like a hound so treat him like one.
Before everyone starts -- no I would never use this on a real dog.

Lex345 · 05/04/2021 07:04

I really feel for you OP because no matter how much this behaviour is minimised or women are told it is normal male behaviour-it is incredibly disrespectful and damaging to your self esteem. I am fed up of male driven narratives about chemistry and evolution "explaining" and normalising men leering at women generally. The truth is if you respect your partner and women generally, you simply do not behave in this way.
Generally speaking I think this kind of lecherous "lad" behaviour has been accepted for far too long and it needs calling out for what it is. I would love for one of the women he has been leering at to call him out on it. Unfortunately I am too old to be turning anyone's head, but I do have blonde hair, so if that is the only requirement 😂

I am very jealous of women with dark hair, I always think brunettes look classy and darker hair usually looks glossier and thick. Do not let his shitty behaviour drag you down and I agree with the PP who said to tell him he is embarassing you when he does this. Say it clearly, loudly and EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Whydidimarryhim · 05/04/2021 07:37

Doggydad - how and did you activate a thread from 2015.😀
Useful info though.

eatsleepread · 05/04/2021 08:05

Are his social skills very poor in general?
Is he even aware that he's doing this? Confused
His behaviour is unacceptable and I feel for you OP, as you must feel so disrespected Thanks

EarthSight · 05/04/2021 08:58

A life coach?? Sorry, but of the 'life coaches' I've seen advertising themselves, most of them seem wishy washy or unqualified to deal with such a specific issue. If he was having a bit of a mid-life crisis I would think, yes, it might work, but not with this. If he's concerned about it he needs to see a proper psychotherapist specialising in this sort of thing, and it preferably needs to be a male! The NHS might be able to refer him.

EarthSight · 05/04/2021 08:59

Zombie thread!!!!

Alcemeg · 05/04/2021 09:30

@EarthSight

A life coach?? Sorry, but of the 'life coaches' I've seen advertising themselves, most of them seem wishy washy or unqualified to deal with such a specific issue. If he was having a bit of a mid-life crisis I would think, yes, it might work, but not with this. If he's concerned about it he needs to see a proper psychotherapist specialising in this sort of thing, and it preferably needs to be a male! The NHS might be able to refer him.
I agree, the craziest narcissists I've ever known all talked about setting themselves up as life coaches 🤣

This zombie thread clearly has its allure. Join ussssssssssssss... JOIN USSSSSS..... JOIN USSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS..............!!!!!!!

Our fault for stoking those embers Smile

Christmasfairy2020 · 05/04/2021 10:15

My dh dated a lass for years when he was younger. He blatantly likes blondes his ex gf was very dark. I can tell he likes blondes as all magazines and dvds were blonde girls. His ex even had blonde highlights put in for a while.

I'm.blonde. he doesn't like it when I have darker blonde put in. But I tend not to as I have never had dark hair and like it light. Its upto you what you do either have some highlights but not for him you would do it for you. Other than that dump him for showing you no respect