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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He prefers blondes - what should I do

276 replies

mogratpineapple · 21/01/2015 11:50

My husband intensely stares at EVERY blonde woman or teenager ALL THE TIME. I am brunette, obviously.

Even on our special anniversary weekends I cannot hold his attention if there are any around. He says that he loves me and I'm the one he married. I get that, but...I feel second best.

I have told him how I feel, like the kid who doesn't get picked for the team, but it carries on. I refer to myself as the B Team.

I have decided that I must do something else to boost my self-esteem in these situations. I think maybe I should move away from the crowds when we're in public - maybe sit in the car or go off on my own.

Am I being pathetic though? Or do I need to stand my ground?

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 21/01/2015 11:53

Are you sure it's not just all women he stares at?

DustyMaiden · 21/01/2015 11:53

The best way to boost your self esteem is LTB.

FlipFlippingFlippers · 21/01/2015 11:55

Teenager... Confused

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 11:57

If you've told him his crass behaviour is unacceptable and he doesn't care enough to change it, then all you can do is reject him. He may say he loves you but he's showing you zero respect. Don't hide yourself away or sit in a car. Stand up for yourself. Make the consequences of him carrying on nasty enough for him to take you seriously

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 21/01/2015 12:01

Fudgeface - no, just blondes. Everyone else is practically invisible.
DustyMaiden - hoping it doesn't come to that. He is a good man but I hate the way his behaviour makes me feel. I'm trying to take control of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mogratpineapple · 21/01/2015 12:02

But how do I stand up for myself? I don't want to scream in the street or anything like that.

OP posts:
HouseWhereNobodyLives · 21/01/2015 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hobby2014 · 21/01/2015 12:05

Ask him how he'd feel if you was checking out every man you saw. Would he be happy with that?
If he's tall/short fat/thin blonde/brunette, I'd start commenting about how you find all the opposites of him attractive. He won't like it. So then I'd tell him to stop doing it to you.

Hobby2014 · 21/01/2015 12:05

Whatever you do, don't bleach or dye your hair blonde.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 21/01/2015 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cupcakes123 · 21/01/2015 12:07

Sorry but he sounds like a knob. Don't dye your hair, run for the hills Hmm

PervyMuskrat · 21/01/2015 12:07

Have you tried calling him up on it every time he does it? A simple "You're staring at other women again, it's completely disrespectful" every single time might drive home how much he's doing it and how terrible it makes you feel.

How would he react if you did the same thing?

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 21/01/2015 12:08

Hobby - I did consider it a few months ago, but I am dark-haired and decided that I needed to stay that way for my own self-respect.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 12:09

You stand up for yourself by very clearly setting the expectations.... no more leering at blondes...... and the consequences if he chooses to carry on. You lay it on the line that if he loves you and wants to stay married to you, the behaviour has to stop. He can look but he can't leer. Actions speak louder than words.

It's not an ultimatum, it's simply giving him the choice to either act more like a gentleman or not. Goes without saying that you have to follow through with the consequences if he chooses to carry on leering.

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 21/01/2015 12:10

PervyMuskrat - I was afraid of sounding like a possessive sort, but I will do that from now on.

OP posts:
GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 21/01/2015 12:11

He's the pathetic one, not you.

Have you ever asked him why he married a brunette? Seems illogical to me, unless his ultimate aim was to make his DW feel second best for something she cannot help.

How is he in day to day life?

InfinitySeven · 21/01/2015 12:12

I am blonde. If I saw your husband stare at me, I'd be confused, embarrassed and annoyed. If he was with you, I'd feel a bit sorry for you, too.

Walk off when he does it. Every time. He's not just insulting you, he's behaving despicably to the women and teenagers that he stares at, too.

confused79 · 21/01/2015 12:13

When I first read the title I thought it was just a general liking for blondes, and was going to say that you can have a preference when it comes to looks and still love someone who doesn't fit it. My partner prefers bugger breasts, I'm small chested, but doubt he loves me any less because of it.
But for him to stare at every blonde, and you noticing, I find very insensitive. I hope when you say teenager you mean late teenager. My partner never told me he preferred bigger, it was something I found out, and did get to me as I felt second best. I would be gutted if he was blatantly staring at other women's chest Sad

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 21/01/2015 12:13

He is a lovely man: kind, helpful, generous. It's just when we go out and blondes appear...

OP posts:
Meerka · 21/01/2015 12:15

Frankly I'd be starting to make quiet but audible comments about every hot man passing by.

Childish but maybe it'd get the message over.

or I'd show that parody of Lord of the Rings Elrond clip and do that thing where the guy says "yo! Frodo! Eyes up here!" every single time. Annoy him, get the message over

DarylDixonsDarlin · 21/01/2015 12:18

It's not about hair colour is it really Confused more just a blatant lack of respect for you. Does he have any idea how it makes you feel?

I wouldn't put up with it myself, was he like this before you married? I don't think its necessarily a LTB issue, I'm guessing you married cos you love each other so hopefully with an open discussion about it you can work through it...unless there are other issues in the same vein! It could be a way of controlling you, by keeping your self esteem low and making you feel second best...or it could be genuinely he just doesn't realise what cuntish behaviour it is Sad

Hope you can sort it out.

kaykayred · 21/01/2015 12:20

He isn't a lovely man at all. He is a creepy letch that stares at women simply because of their hair colour. Men staring at you is fucking creepy. When they with another woman it makes them look utterly vile and pathetic.

Especially teenagers. God, how gross!!!! Surely he is old enough to be their father.

Next time he does it simply ask him "Do you have any idea how absolutely pathetic your behaviour is? You are embarrassing me" or a simple "I won't stand for such blatant disrespect" and then walk off. Don't storm, or try and get him to call after you. Just calmly walk away and ignore him.

Then do it every. single. time that he does it.

StellaGibson · 21/01/2015 12:20

God he sounds awful. it really isn't acceptable to be checking out other women when he's with you (or at all really).

its not your self-esteem that's the problem.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/01/2015 12:21

Blondes don't "appear".

Women (people) with blonde hair are everywhere. You just notice them when you are in the company of a lecherous sleaze who stares at them even if they are teenagers.

Ugh.

Jan45 · 21/01/2015 12:21

He stares at teenagers with blonde hair, OMG, pervert or what.

Sorry OP, he sounds vile, doing that, and doing that in front of you is just horrible, I'd have no respect for him, I certainly wouldn't be hiding in cars and around corners to avoid public situations, get real!

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