He prefers blondes - what should I do

[mogratpineapple]

My husband intensely stares at EVERY blonde woman or teenager ALL THE TIME. I am brunette, obviously.

Even on our special anniversary weekends I cannot hold his attention if there are any around. He says that he loves me and I'm the one he married. I get that, but...I feel second best.

I have told him how I feel, like the kid who doesn't get picked for the team, but it carries on. I refer to myself as the B Team.

I have decided that I must do something else to boost my self-esteem in these situations. I think maybe I should move away from the crowds when we're in public - maybe sit in the car or go off on my own.

Am I being pathetic though? Or do I need to stand my ground?

How long have you been married? God I hope it isn't my exH, he was the same, to the point of wanting me to dye my hair blonde. I may as well been on another planet when a blonde was within eye sight.

He's now my ex for a reason. Got fed up of being made to feel second best and not worthy enough of his time or attention.

If he prefers blondes, then why the hell didn't he marry one to start with.

Whatever the colour of his hair, the fact that he's constantly drooling at other women in front of you shows a distinct lack of respect. Glad you're going to make a stand.

Nothing wrong with having a preference for a certain hair colour but staring at every woman who has that hair colour is just plain wrong.

Blonde hair does tend to attract your eye more than the various shades of brunette. I noticed that when I used to bleach my hair I got a lot more 'looks' from men even though I look far better with dark hair. Brunettes often fade into the crowd whereas women with blonde and red hair seem to draw the eye. There is some scientific/historical/cultural explanation but I can't be bothered to Google remember what it is now.

I get even more looks (from male and female) now that I have a distinctive 'unnatural' colour in my hair.

As people have said, the issue here is the creepiness towards other woman and the sheer lack of respect towards you.

I think you need to take a long hard look at him, OP, and start thinking about whether he is ever going to change the leering. Not just talk about it, but actually stop doing it.

It bespeaks a huge lack of respect for you and your feelings. How is that going to manifest itself when you have kids (if you haven't got them already)? What sort of example does this set them? I remember my father in his 50s, ogling women when with my mother, and I thought then (I was about 11) what a twatish thing to do it was. And I thought if I can see it happening, my mother must be seeing it too. :-( ( small wonder I'm commenting on this thread, then!)

Either he is unable to control himself from staring at every blonde woman (I presume he's able to control himself from staring at blonde men?) he sees; or he is able to control himself but chooses not to.

If it's the former, then he needs, psychiatric help as that is utterly bizarre. If, as I suspect, it's the latter, then he needs to fuck off and stop being a pathetic, disrespectful cock.

I will definitely make a stand now. With consequences.

Courage. You deserve a lot better than this.

I do feel worthless in other ways, plainjanine, as if I'm at the bottom of the pecking order when it comes to his friends, interests etc.

hmm. I'm sorry but it sounds like you're more useful to him than valued or cared for. No wonder your self-esteem is not too great. You should be top of the list.

oh my god what an utter creep he sounds. staring at other women whilst he is out with his wife is not attractive behaviour. What do you see in him?

"He says that he loves me and I'm the one he married."
that sounds like he is telling you how 'lucky' you are to have been the one he picked (married). meaningless when his behaviour says otherwise and is completely disrespectful.

sorry to say it but he sounds like a complete arsehole. having a word with him probably won't change his behaviour. you need to ask yourself why you married him and whether you want to stay married. the relationship as it stands is doing nothing for your self-esteem. the only advice I can give is don't put up with his shitty behaviour any longer. sounds like he is doing it deliberately to make it an issue between you reinforcing your feelings of insecurity.

But he married you. Not a blond!

Hmmmmmn. His attitude is entitled and so disrespectful. This is a sign of men who are already straying. I hope you aren't being naive and overlooking something much worse.
Is he into porn?

He's not a great man, he's horrible OP, really weird and horrible.

A good man who stares at women and teenagers, puts you at the bottom of the pecking order when it comes to his friends, interests etc and makes you feel worthless.

He is not a good or a kind man, he's a selfish man who prioritises his friends, interests and other women over his wife.

Ogling is not the only problem here. It's that he doesn't value you.

Why do you want to be with him?

Personally I would take the line with his ogling that you are ashamed to be seen with him. Explain how women dislike being leched over, particularly teenage girls, and they will pity you for being with him.

Dye your hair.

He sounds like a revolting letch. I'm sure you could do better.

Ogling is a bloody problem.. Who on earth would want to be with someone that ogles other women when out with you, no matter what the hair colour, tit size, dress code?

OP, you could change your hair colour to blonde as suggested then he'd probably go for red.

He's a nasty arse that will always put you down.

He will always see women as "objects"

Grrrrr.

Poor OP. I have two points.
One I watched a documentary the other day where a woman wore various wigs out to a bar to determine if hair colour attracted men. She was red hair by nature. When she wore the darker colours she was barely approached. when she donned the blonde wig she was like a light bulb for moths. But her behaviour was different too I noticed with the blonde. She smiled and eyed men more in that persona. So naturally with the blonde attracting the immediate attention it was her albeit fake attitude that went with it that gained their attention.
I believe your husband probably has this image of blondes. I won't go into the generalisation of blondes have more fun but it is assumed theyre more 'fun' to be with. Not sure why... as leads me to my next point.
I'm blonde, have died it brown at times and have noticed that men didn't approach me more. I suppose with my natural blonde i'm more me. confident and at ease and this might be the attraction. However my partner had an eye for not just blondes but bubbly women. confident bubbly women. I would class them as attention seeking slappers. Ouch!!!
so this happened more frequently. when we hadn't had a night out in ages and we were out, i naturally wanted to feel important and have his attention. I looked well, but in came a bubbly! now i noticed her well before he did. but i noticed then the eyes. then he made a comment about her. i ate more peanuts...said nothing...then another remark. AT this I got up, got my bag, turned to him and said, if you can't take your eyes off Mrs bubbly and ignore my company well I couldn't be bothered wasting another minute in your company. It's pathetic, rude .... i told him exactly how it was. calm but straight to the point. I calmly got up and left. I went outside and got into the car and drove off. Now i knew to check my phone and there was an apology text. I drove around the block and went back in. I needed to make a point and also had to let steam off. When i went back in, he never once looked in her direction or did the same again.
You should not accept this behaviour. It helped in other areas which i had also accepted or had let go. I gained alot of self confidence, which i had but hadn't asserted. So I think it's more his fantasy of a blonde more than anything. But either way it's inappropriate behaviour in front of you. Stand up for yourself here. If you don't he'll keep doing it. I wouldnt go too much into how you feel. He's likely to ignore that by the sounds of him. I'd more state that his behaviour is inappropriate, uncomfortable and rude.
Don't copy it, don't play games to wind him up. Just point out his inappropriate and sleezy behaviour.Hopefully he'll wise up.

Dont recall Elvira Mistress of the Dark ever fading into the crowd.

Anyone remember the cover of the Misty annuals and comics....brunette.

Bloody hell, Ringing.. how exhausting to have to watch a documentary about it and do all that! The man is an arse.

You told him off and walked around the block and went back in? Why on earth didnt you just walk on and never speak to him again?

" I would class them as attention seeking slappers."

Ringing you had me until that line.

Its the old classic of blaming women for mens behaviour.

Yes OP stand up for yourself?

In a loving relationship you never have to "stand up for yourself"

You are supported

You are cherished

How demoralising to even think you have to do that. Its a battle and will always be.

Dont recall Elvira Mistress of the Dark ever fading into the crowd.
Anyone remember the cover of the Misty annuals and comics....brunette

Yes but we are talking real life women here, not some cheesy bouffant vampire lookalike and a comic book heroine! I think Elvira's boobalicious dress sense helped her to not fade into the fictitious crowd too

my ex used to do this all the time.

Not just blondes but all attractive females, and it used to make me feel uncomfortable, inferior, insecure, upset etc. etc. I used to bring it up sometimes and I'd also get the 'I'm only looking' and the 'but I'm with you/I chose you' line.

Does your husband say this kind of thing to you when you mention it upsets you? Because this is a form of emotional abuse. It is minimizing and diminishing your upset. It is a way of saying "your feelings don't matter".

It's no different from the man that insults you in public about your weight or intelligence or anything and when you complain says "but I was only joking."

NOPE. The right response is "I will not let you make me think that I am unreasonable or this behaviour is acceptable".

Just read back over your posts and listen to yourself "Second best". "B team". "can't hold his attenion" FFS. He has utterly destroyed your self-esteem. Why didn't he marry someone with blonde hair if it's that much of a big deal?

He's NOT "lovely". I don't care what other saintly behaviours he has. Someone who treats his partner like this is a nasty piece of work and needs to buck up or ship out.

OP - are you ok?

Hi Fillybuster! Yes I'm OK. For some reason I became logged out and couldn't log back in. All fixed now. Thanks for your concern.

Everyone seems to be singing from the same hymn sheet. There are some great quotes here that I will use next time we are out. I feel so much better now that I know I'm not being pathetic or over reacting.

Your OH is the pathetic one I'm afraid.

So many threads this week about women doubting their own instincts and feelings because some man has done a number on them, beaten down and made to feel second class, it's quite shocking, that in itself is enough to tell you this is not a healthy relationship.

He sounds like a knob.

He probably married a brunette because he didn't want other men knobs like him ogling his blonde wife.