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Original poster

He prefers blondes - what should I do

276 replies

mogratpineapple · 21/01/2015 11:50

My husband intensely stares at EVERY blonde woman or teenager ALL THE TIME. I am brunette, obviously.

Even on our special anniversary weekends I cannot hold his attention if there are any around. He says that he loves me and I'm the one he married. I get that, but...I feel second best.

I have told him how I feel, like the kid who doesn't get picked for the team, but it carries on. I refer to myself as the B Team.

I have decided that I must do something else to boost my self-esteem in these situations. I think maybe I should move away from the crowds when we're in public - maybe sit in the car or go off on my own.

Am I being pathetic though? Or do I need to stand my ground?

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 26/01/2015 16:07

Agree with Lweji. Ringing if your comment "attention seeking slappers" wasnt blame shifting it was at least misogynistic.

HelenaDove · 26/01/2015 16:09

OP this is what i would do. Sit him down and tell him that as he is so tempted by other women.....how would he feel about an open marriage.

Of course that also means that you get to be with other men too. After all he really wont mind will he?

Watch his reaction.

Id do this then LTB personally.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 16:11

why are you still with this absolute prick ?

AgathaF · 26/01/2015 16:15

We do not go out together any more so he can avoid the chances of him checking out blondes. He has also suggested a secluded cottage for our holidays so he isn't tempted

Passive aggressive, much?

He's a bit of a knob really, isn't he?

tribpot · 26/01/2015 16:15

He has also suggested a secluded cottage for our holidays so he isn't tempted.

Oh per-lease. This is such obvious bollocks to make you believe that you are curtailing this behaviour over which he has no control. That FEMALE blonde hair exerts a magnetic force over his eyes and he physically cannot control which way they point. Yet male blond hair has no effect on him whatsoever.

You mentioned earlier I do feel worthless in other ways, plainjanine, as if I'm at the bottom of the pecking order when it comes to his friends, interests etc. What did you mean?

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 26/01/2015 16:30

Tribpot - simply that our arrangements were cancelled if a better offer came along. I suppose that's just being taken for granted being the 'wife.'

He is aware of this now.

OP posts:
Original poster
mogratpineapple · 26/01/2015 16:34

HelenaDove - I don't think he will go for it but I will put it to him tonight!

I am still with him because, despite this thread, he is a good man. We had a great weekend (I went out with my daughter, he went the hairdressers on his own).

He has many great qualities and that's what makes this behaviour so odd.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 16:38

he went to a hairdressers ? Shock

Did he have to wear a blindfold in case he came across any blonde women there ? That's very risky behaviour isn't it ? Next think you know he'll be watching Baywatch or summat and giving himself a fatal stiffie

AgathaF · 26/01/2015 17:08

That sounds to me like you had a good weekend without his company.

Does he get the concept of respect in other areas of your lives?

purpleponcho · 26/01/2015 17:09

Wow, he is nasty. It is NOT normal to subject your wife to this kind of shit. Please leave him.

I had an ex a million years ago who was just like this. Thing is, OP, there are loads of kind, gorgeous men out there who prefer brunettes. Glad I left that toad (actually when he presented me with a blonde wig he wanted me to wear in bed- the fucking arsehole) and found a man who is faithful and who treats me like The Only Woman On Earth.

RubbishMantra · 26/01/2015 18:50

So your "good weekend" was spent apart from each other? Hmm

If you were blonde, he'd probably be undermining your self-esteem by ogling brunettes.

And mirroring what's been said upthread - whatever are you doing with this complete and utter cock?

RubbishMantra · 26/01/2015 18:54

And yes, I agree that from what you say, he sounds sociopathic and creepy and weird and embarrassing.

Poor OP. Sad

HelenaDove · 26/01/2015 21:56

Hows it going OP?

ringinginthenewyearO · 26/01/2015 22:13

Helena. I'm calling a spade a spade. I'm sure in your time you have witnessed people male and female who need/want attention and ensure they get it by behaviour/dress or attitude.
Course others will look and comment again both male and female.

Sallystyle · 26/01/2015 22:36

I completely disagree with the advice on playing him at his own game.

I don't want to play games to make my husband see how his behaviour hurts me. I expect him to love me enough to not do it in the first place or at least to stop when I tell him how it makes me feel. The minute I have to play games to get him to try to understand how I feel is the minute I am out.

This would be a deal breaker for me. I don't like men who leer. Men who are disrespectful of women like that are not men I want in my life.

He leers at blonde women and teens, he puts you last. It's not really a good at happy marriage is it?

A good man does not do these things. A good man might notice a women and take a second look but they do not leer and especially not when they are with their wives.

I am sorry you are going through this and hope you can find a way to deal with it that is right for you.

iwashappy · 27/01/2015 00:04

He wants a secluded cottage so he isn't "tempted"!! He seriously said that? Do you not find that insulting? Yes men look and some do it in a more subtle way than others, but your husband's behaviour is off the scale in terms of looking.

In the unlikely event that he really can't help himself then he has a serious medical problem and needs to visit the Doctor.

If he can help himself as is much more likely, he is a disrespectful prat. Please talk to him and tell him that his behaviour is totally insulting to you as if he didn't know and that you won't tolerate it in future.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/01/2015 00:31

My teenage sister is a natural blonde, if I caught him leering like an old perve at her, I'd be very tempted to smack him one.

ItalianLemons · 27/01/2015 00:45

OP my dp does/did this but with anyone very attractive so not just a certain hair colour. He is very much attracted to very skinny women though, and will have a dam thorough look at any that happen to be passing by. He is otherwise perfect and I can honestly say this is his only flaw. I can see people find that hard to believe, they expect someone exhibiting this type of behaviour to be an arsehole in other areas. Not always the case.

Anyway, I told mine to stop as I find it very hurtful and offensive. He didn't and the feelings of hurt turned to resentment and grew stronger. When pulled up on every stare he'd reply "I didn't think I did" or "I don't remember" continuously. I've ended our relationship for this reason alone, as quite honestly I've never been made to feel this shit before by anyone else ever. We were very very close emotionally and physically, more so that I've ever been with anyone. I still don't think he understands the upset he caused.

I went on holiday with a friend and her husband to a european city full of stunning women and you know what her husband didn't once stare at them. There's no excuse.

What I've learnt is Ill never settle for second best. He was great, but not good enough.

SirBoobAlot · 27/01/2015 01:19

He suggested locking you all away in a cottage so that he doesn't get tempted to leer at someone.

That is so hugely alarming I don't know where to start.

He is either using this to control and abuse you, or he has a 'quirk' which is seriously concerning on a mental health level. Either of which is a big reason to leave.

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 27/01/2015 08:39

We had a talk last night.

He was unable to sleep, didn't eat anything and thinks that our marriage will be over soon because he doesn't know he's doing it. He doesn't want to hurt me.

He said that we can carry on by not going out in public together. I told him that was a ridiculous idea.

He suggested that I 'watch his back' and point out when he does it. I should be doing that already, I know, and will give it a go. However, I don't like the idea of this being permanent, only a short-term thing.

OP posts:
Meerka · 27/01/2015 08:42

If he's serious that he doesn't realise he's doing it, and if he's serious about wanting to save the marriage, suggest Mindfulness training. It's about becoming more aware of what you are doing, all the time. it takes work, but he's going to have to learn how to watch what he's doing anyway. If he's serious about not wanting ot hurt you.

Meerka · 27/01/2015 08:43

I do think that yes, it would help to point it out to him when he does it. Give it a few weeks. Bit of a job, but it takes time to break a habit and even then there might be the odd relapse. But if he's serious about not wanting to do it, then it's worth a try.

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 27/01/2015 08:58

Thanks Meerka x

OP posts:
CatsClaus · 27/01/2015 09:09

I think some sort of aversion therapy hit the idiot round the back of his head when he ogles other women

Why are you running with his suggestion that YOU have to solve his perversion problem??

NettleTea · 27/01/2015 09:22

this is a dangerous path to take - kind of setting you up to fail. If he cant resist, then its your fault that you didnt remind him. How long do you think, given the amount he does it, that he will tolerate it, or will he snap at your constant reminders.
So not only do you have to take responsibility for monitoring and correcting HIS bad behaviour, but you run the risk of being turned on when he gets fed up of it.

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