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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He prefers blondes - what should I do

276 replies

mogratpineapple · 21/01/2015 11:50

My husband intensely stares at EVERY blonde woman or teenager ALL THE TIME. I am brunette, obviously.

Even on our special anniversary weekends I cannot hold his attention if there are any around. He says that he loves me and I'm the one he married. I get that, but...I feel second best.

I have told him how I feel, like the kid who doesn't get picked for the team, but it carries on. I refer to myself as the B Team.

I have decided that I must do something else to boost my self-esteem in these situations. I think maybe I should move away from the crowds when we're in public - maybe sit in the car or go off on my own.

Am I being pathetic though? Or do I need to stand my ground?

OP posts:
ringinginthenewyearO · 22/01/2015 15:07

tinks - everybody deserves an opportunity to redeem themselves. I'm not perfect and I'll come to a new relationship with things that might bother my current partner but that was acceptable in previous relationship. So you establish what is unacceptable behaviour and point it out. If they don't recognise their behaviour is wrong in this relationship or don't intend to change then fine, walk away. But i'm not going to have a dramatic hissy fit everytime I'm disgusted with a behaviour and just walk away. That achieves nothing in my eyes.

Helena - I am not blaming a woman for a man's behaviour. My post clearly says that it is inappropriate behaviour from a man to obviously see a woman when out and make comments on it. We all comment, we all observe and admire/or criticise that's human nature. But there are boundaries. There are also boundaries in how a female behaves herself in public and when you're obviously screaming to be noticed, drunk and hanging out of everyman in my eyes that's slapperish! I've done a bit of slapperish myself in younger days, til i matured!

OP no point in using lines or phrases any of us put down. You have to just say it as it is. Bad manners, insensitive behaviour, stop or I won't go with you. And follow through if necessary. If he doesn't care. That's your answer.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 22/01/2015 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 22/01/2015 16:10

He said that he's working on it (six months ago.) He says that he loves me to bits and doesn't want us to split up.

That was his opportunity, 6 months ago. It seems that things are still the same.

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 22/01/2015 16:25

I'm going to try the strategies suggested first. Maybe he thinks that I was idly complaining. I need him to see how serious this is and then see if he improves.

OP posts:
ringinginthenewyearO · 22/01/2015 16:29

It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
If don't don't react and start feeling worthless and unimportant then you can't expect change.
However if op had 6 months ago had dealt with the situation when it first happened she wouldn't have let herself slowly decline to this situation it is now.
Make the change now OP and see if it makes a difference. That's all i'm saying.

Lweji · 22/01/2015 16:32

You don't need improvements. You need him to stop.
Or he'll keep saying that he's working on it.

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 22/01/2015 16:32

Thanks ringinginthenewyearo, that's what I will do. x

OP posts:
Original poster
mogratpineapple · 26/01/2015 14:22

So now he tells me that he hates himself. We do not go out together any more so he can avoid the chances of him checking out blondes.

He has also suggested a secluded cottage for our holidays so he isn't tempted.

I suppose I should carry on with my plans as we are bound to go out together at some point.

Good grief!

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/01/2015 14:44

So, he's playing the poor me card.
And leading to further isolation for you. Interesting. And something that often happens in cases of domestic abuse. Beware.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 26/01/2015 14:46

So, he's blaming you and making out he can't help it. How pathetic! Of course our eyes are drawn to attractive people, if a very buff young man of a certain type comes in my vision when I'm driving, I might feel my eyes wander there for a millisecond, but then out of respect for my husband and for him (not nice to have middle-aged ladies lusting after you) I avert my eyes and try not to crash the car. We all have eyes, we all find people attractive, your husband isn't some unusual species who is particularly deficient in being able to look elsewhere he's just taking the piss out of you and making out you are exaggerating.

Which you are not.

I would also say that when I was younger and sometimes still now I used to attract attention, and if any man looks a lot or ogles or stares when with another woman, I feel nothing but pity for them and wouldn't give them a second's glance, ever. It comes over so tragic.

Joysmum · 26/01/2015 14:51

Utterly ridiculous!

Avoiding isn't dealing with it.

Let's face it, none of us are the most attractive human in the planet physically, likewise neither are our partners!

In a relationship it ought to be that we are with the one we are because we love them, not because of purely physical reasons.

I'd never dream of overtly perving over a guy, likewise if DH perved over a woman in my presence that would be entirely disrespectful and hurtful to me, as well as not a great attitude to women in general.

Why does yours find it so hard to have that respect for you? Why on earth would it be that difficult for him that you need to cut yourselves off when on holiday!

I've never heard such self serving shit in my life.

If he's that bad in your company I dread to think how he is when you're not with him Sad

SlicedAndDiced · 26/01/2015 14:52

Dear lord.

So he has to hide away from blondes or he can't help himself?!

That's not preferring blondes, that's being a lecherous cretin.

Dh also prefers blondes (lucky for me) but of course he has never been so disrespectful as to ogle another poor woman in front of me.

Obviously it's natural for us to have a quick glance if we see someone attractive, that's just being human. But to stare at other people so much you damage your partners self esteem....just look after yourself op, he sounds like a right piece of work.

SlicedAndDiced · 26/01/2015 14:54

Also agree with pp.

Have had sad saps of men staring when they are obviously with their partners.

I try to make my disdain drip from my face Grin

Meerka · 26/01/2015 14:54

He has also suggested a secluded cottage for our holidays so he isn't tempted.

wtf? does he want a chastity belt for his eyes too?

Op you're married to an idiot. Please don't let him take you for one too.

BeCool · 26/01/2015 14:58

wow - so he lack any control over himself at all! impressive.

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 26/01/2015 15:17

This sin't about attractive people. I totally get that. He just has to stare at any female who has blonde hair. It's all very odd.

Thanks again for making me feel sane.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/01/2015 15:18

He just has to stare at any female who has blonde hair.

Does he do it when he's alone? Have you observed him when he thinks you are not around?

SlicedAndDiced · 26/01/2015 15:28

I LOVE beards and long hair on a man.

You don't catch me drooling over any wondering hermit look alike though. It's starting to sound like he has an almost serial killer level problem...or he is deliberately trying to hurt you.

Jan45 · 26/01/2015 15:36

He either is taking the absolute piss or the guy needs professional help.

Original poster
mogratpineapple · 26/01/2015 15:37

I don't know what he does when I'm not around. Why would he want to hurt me? I am a gentle, un-nagging kind of person. Doesn't make sense.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 26/01/2015 15:39

I'm assuming it's a piss take, get him to go see the doctor then if this is something he can't control, I bet you he doesn't go, then you will have your answer.

Meerka · 26/01/2015 15:43

mograt .... why would he want to hurt you?

it's not about you. It's about him. He wants to, so he does.

It doesn't matter who you were, you or any other brunette, he'd do the same. The fact you get hurt is incidental really. It doesn't matter to him.

Lweji · 26/01/2015 15:56

He may not want, but doing it unconsciously.
By paying attention to other women, you are on your back foot, you are competing for his attention. Your complaints only increase his ego.
I suspect that if you weren't bothered he'd find something else to keep you worried about him.

Lweji · 26/01/2015 15:56

And yes, it's still about him, and not to hurt you, but how it reflects on him.
You are jealous, so he is sure about you.

SlicedAndDiced · 26/01/2015 16:00

He could want to hurt you for a number of reasons op.

To keep you compliant: don't moan too much I'm attracted to lots of other women you know...

To boost his ego: Look at that, she's jealous. Good, she should be.

Or he could just be a twat that takes you for granted: phroar I'd love a piece of that. Oh, the missus? Nah it's alright screw her, I can look all I want.