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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stag do worries

139 replies

RoseberryTopping · 13/01/2015 12:37

So DP and I have decided to get married this year. His friends are getting excited planning his stag do but have really latched on to the fact I've said absolutely no stippers. They think this is hilarious and are intent on teasing me about it at every opportunity.
I've got a feeling that they're going to book one anyway. Now I've found out that another stag do that DP is going to with the same people will definitely have strippers there just because they can't have any at DPs. It's stressibg me out so much that I just want to call the whole thing off. Im so nervous about DP going to this other stag do now. He totally respects how I feel but I understand that it'll be hard to escape the room when they're going to be in a lodge somewhere a bit rural. That's if he even would try to, obviously I wojldnt know either way.

I don't even know what im hoping to achieve from this thread, I just wanted to talk about it.

OP posts:

TheCowThatLaughs · 13/01/2015 12:38

You want to call his stag do off?

Twitterqueen · 13/01/2015 12:40

If you have so little trust in him at this stage of your life together I don't hold out any hope for you.

NickiFury · 13/01/2015 12:42

I think you need to get a grip tbh. If there are strippers there then there's really not much you can do about it. You can't control this and you'll just make yourself unhappy trying. Don't you trust him? In my experience trustworthy men do not engage with the Stripper Type Activities and usually mooch around the bar with other like minded mates or leave as soon as possible because they're simply not interested.

Original poster

RoseberryTopping · 13/01/2015 12:43

No, call the wedding off. I don't think I actually would as I can't wait to marry him, it's just his friends pissing me off.

I trust DP to walk away if they do hire one. I'm just stressing about what level they will take piss taking to.

OP posts:

Original poster

RoseberryTopping · 13/01/2015 12:45

Sorry. I probably shouldn't have started this but I've been so down lately and I'm letting all of this play on my anxiety and make me worse.

I'm not very body confident and this isn't helping.

OP posts:

pompodd · 13/01/2015 12:46

OP - what has your DP said about this - both in relation to a stripper at his own stag do and also one at this stag do he is attending?

Sparkly1234 · 13/01/2015 12:48

I understand how you are feeling, i felt like that about my Husbands stag do as well.
I dont think its fair for people to say you must not trust him etc, as i trust my husband but was still worried. When i probabily didnt have anything to worry about just didnt like the idea of someone else naked around my husband.
In the end my husband didnt have any strippers, he didnt want any either.
Sounds like your husband doesnt want to be involved too much with the strippers so you are probabily worrying more than you need to.

Original poster

RoseberryTopping · 13/01/2015 12:51

I've not spoken to him about this other stag do yet.
I don't think he's totally averse to going to a strip club. He has a healthy appreciation of women's bodies and tbh doesn't think much about how they came about doing that job. He knows how strongly I feel that it's the wrong way to start a marriage and wouldn't want to upset me needlessly. The more he insists no strippers the more they go on about it though, it's disgusting.

He will obviously have no control over the other stag do though.

I'm sat here crying like a total loser. Why do I wind myself up so much?!

OP posts:

Louboutin37 · 13/01/2015 12:52

what do you think will happen if a stripper is there? That's what I don't quite understand

MorrisZapp · 13/01/2015 12:56

Your dh doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. His mates sound like a bunch of chumps. He's under no obligation to even have a stag do, far less hand over the organisation of one to people he doesn't trust.

I'd be pretty disgusted if my dp hired a stripper.

pompodd · 13/01/2015 12:56

Do you trust him, OP? If you do then I think you need to explain to him that he needs to speak to his mates so they don't wind you up about this. They probably can't see how it upsets you (or are too insensitive to care). Either way, I think it's his responsibility to deal with his friends. Ultimately you should be more important to him than them so I'd be concerned if he wasn't making this a priority to sort out.

Incidentally, I'd question whether him having a "healthy appreciation of women's bodies" [I have no idea what that really means] is in anyway compatible with going to a strip club. In my mind going to a strip club is the antithesis of having a healthy appreciation of women's bodies (and I'm a man, btw).

Fudgeface123 · 13/01/2015 12:57

Chill out, he's probably seen more nudity on the TV, and I agree with Louboutin37, what do you think he's going to do?

NickiFury · 13/01/2015 12:58

Oh don't cry. You're not a loser. You've just built this up in your mind as something awful. Faithful trustworthy men simply aren't interested in this kind of nonsense. You know who is? Losers with issues. The nice blokes might have a laugh and be on the periphery, the losers are the ones who are getting fully involved and overexcited by a random woman who would never look twice at them in real life's body. How sad and pathetic is that?

Vivacia · 13/01/2015 13:01

(((OP))) I understand that you're really distressed about this.

I think the main question is whether your fiancée would like a stripper to be there, or would hate it. It sounds to me as though he's not averse. It also sounds to me as though you'd be more comfortable with a fiancée who also hated the idea of a stripper.

QueenMas · 13/01/2015 13:02

Hi Roseberry

I can empathise, I had a very similar problem only last week. I also have body image issues post-birth, and anxiety.

I hate the idea of strippers for so many reasons. I hate the idea of DP possibly being "excited" by another woman. I hate the thought of him being close to, and looking at another naked woman. I find the whole thing seedy and disgusting, "lad banter" at it's worst, as well as abhorrent from a feminist point of view.

DP is going away for a weekend on a friend's stag do. Somewhere fairly tacky (strip clubs galore I would imagine), but it does look fun from a "let's get drunk for hardly any money" perspective! It's not the stag I was anxious about, it was the likelihood of strippers.

I made my feelings clear to DP, how strongly I felt about it. It makes me feel quite sick! I'm happy to say that he took my feelings onboard and has promised to walk away if the situation arises. There are likely others from the group that would actually do the same, if someone else took the first step. This is coming from him, I did not ASK him to do this, and I do trust him to do it.
He also said that I wouldn't be mentioned, it wouldn't be a case of "the woman isn't happy with it rolls eyes, I'm so under the thumb...blah blah". He has taken the decision HIMSELF to not participate as he knows it upsets me, and will take the responsibility.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Does he realise how strongly you feel and how much it is upsetting you? I hope he has the confidence to walk away, despite the ridiculous "banter" and piss taking he would likely get.

As for the others, let them take the piss out of you. Just remember to remind them how pathetic and lecherous they are at every opportunity! Water off a duck's back.

Talk to your DP. Good luck.

OddFodd · 13/01/2015 13:02

His mates are pathetic, childish losers. You shouldn't be crying, you should be angry that they think this is funny. It isn't.

Vivacia · 13/01/2015 13:04

In my mind going to a strip club is the antithesis of having a healthy appreciation of women's bodies

I agree, I think that this is very well put.

Original poster

RoseberryTopping · 13/01/2015 13:06

It would be even funnier for them if he said it was winding me up. The best man who is organising it is fine, he's already reassured him and isn't taking part in the mick taking.

I feel the same pom and have had talks with him about the reality of working in a strip club. He understands to an extent but I feel if he was single he would gladly go to one if everyone else was. I suppose that's got nothing to do with this though as he's not single and won't go.

I do trust him but then my anxiety kicks in and makes me question everything. Everyone else seems to think it's normal for them to want a stripper, I was starting to feel like I'm the weird one for not wanting DP to have a naked woman rub herself up on him for money

OP posts:

Pandora37 · 13/01/2015 13:06

I can understand why you're upset. I wouldn't like it either and I'm not necessarily against men going to strip clubs. It's just something about the whole stag do mentality and how there MUST be a stripper there that I don't like. It's a difficult one because you're clearly not comfortable with it but his friends probably think you're being miserable and bossing him around telling him what he can and can't have at his own stag night. They shouldn't be teasing you about it though and I would ask your partner to get them to stop, although really he should be doing that anyway.

Is he definitely on board with the no strippers rule? From what you've said, it sounds like he is so he really needs to stand up to his friends and tell them to shut up. They might go and book one anyway but that just shows the immaturity of his friends so I'd try not to get too worried about it. Easier said than done I know.

JaceyBee · 13/01/2015 13:13

I can see your objection if it's that it's sleazy and gross to be letching over some poor young eastern European woman whose options are most likely very limited and is being exploited and demeaned by a bunch of sad old men. I wouldn't like this either and would like to think my male friends would be a bit more enlightened than to enjoy something like that (although that's probably wishful thinking!)

But it kind of comes across like the reason you object is because you don't feel confident about your body and don't want a woman with a 'better' one dancing around naked next to your DP. Which sounds like common or garden petty sexual jealousy to me. (Disclaimer: I am not calling you petty! Just that I think ownership and control of others sexuality can be petty at times).

Maybe it would be useful to have a think about exactly what it is that upsets you about it and articulate it to your DP calmly, without ultimatums of calling things off or anything equally histrionic.

At the end of the day, rightly or wrongly his friends are probably going to do this anyway, whether at his stag do or the other guys, you can't control it and you'll just make yourself look ridiculous if you start trying to by making threats about calling weddings off etc.
ideally what will happen is that your DP will respect your wishes. And choose not to participate in anything skeezy but you can't know this for sure. I do sympathise with you but it looks like you might have to just watch how this one pans out without trying to force DP to bend to your will.

His mates sound like twats btw.

TheCowThatLaughs · 13/01/2015 13:14

Sorry op I completely understand all your feelings about this and your dislike of women being exploited by idiot men!! I was just surprised when I thought you had the power to cancel his stag do. Does he know how strongly you feel? I think it would put me off a man to a certain extent if he was happy with having a stripper. His mates sound like a bunch of dicks too

eatyouwithaspoon · 13/01/2015 13:16

I know lots of peopledont mind and think its a laugh but for me it would be a deal breaker, I dont care what other people think of me a man paying for a woman to get naked and wiggle around in front of him is as far as I'm concerned cheating I dont care if im not a right on cool partner. A mate of mines fiancé went to a lap dancing club on his stag, she found out just before the wedding and nearly called it off as she was so upset, the marriage lasted less than a year and when she was telling me why they split it was that night that for her changed things for her.

guitarosauras · 13/01/2015 13:18

Why are you so against strippers?

Original poster

RoseberryTopping · 13/01/2015 13:19

It doesn't matter what race she is, I think it's sleazy either way.
There are plenty of reasons I don't like it, jealousy being one of them. For me, it doesn't feel like part of a healthy relationship to include someone else like that. I can understand that some women don't mind and that's fine for them, but I can't think of anything worse. I don't care if it's petty jealousy. It's how I feel and I won't let it go just to look cool.

Thanks for the reassuring words everyone else. I guess I can't do anything but trust him and hope that he doesn't break it.
I don't know what to do about his friends now. It's really made me see them in a different light.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 13/01/2015 13:20

but I feel if he was single he would gladly go to one if everyone else was. I suppose that's got nothing to do with this though as he's not single

I think that's got everything to do with it. The alternative is that you think you can tell him what to do and set rules for him
A relationship should be about shared values, shouldn't it?

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