Stag do worries

[RoseberryTopping]

So DP and I have decided to get married this year. His friends are getting excited planning his stag do but have really latched on to the fact I've said absolutely no stippers. They think this is hilarious and are intent on teasing me about it at every opportunity.
I've got a feeling that they're going to book one anyway. Now I've found out that another stag do that DP is going to with the same people will definitely have strippers there just because they can't have any at DPs. It's stressibg me out so much that I just want to call the whole thing off. Im so nervous about DP going to this other stag do now. He totally respects how I feel but I understand that it'll be hard to escape the room when they're going to be in a lodge somewhere a bit rural. That's if he even would try to, obviously I wojldnt know either way.

I don't even know what im hoping to achieve from this thread, I just wanted to talk about it.

I guess I can't do anything but trust him and hope that he doesn't break it.

Trust about what? What's he actually agreed to?

I don't know what to do about his friends now.

Do about what?

“If you have so little trust in him at this stage of your life together I don't hold out any hope for you.”

This

Also, there seems to be a school of thought by some on here that men attending stag do’s get sprinkled with some magic fairy dust when they leave for the weekend that turns them from loving, trustworthy, considerate individuals into cheating scumbags.

I have been on about 15+ stag bashes over the last 20 years or so and from my observations most of the married/attached blokes generally form their own group as the evening wares on leaving any sex show type activities to the singletons. Strippers these days tend to be more about embarrassing the groom in front of his mates rather than performing any kind sex acts. I have also seen some spectacular falling outs when the groom has specifically told the best man ‘no strippers’ only for the latter to have organised one anyway. Sure, I have seen some infidelity on such weekends, and it is usually from the guys who have form for this type of behaviour to begin with, the kind of guys who would be cheating at home given half a chance let alone a weekend ‘away with the lads’.

I've not told him what to do. I've told him how I feel. He's a grown man who makes his own decisions, if he really wanted to then I couldn't stop him.

It will be ironic if the OP's friends then surprise her on her hen night with a male stripper.

What do you mean 'do about what?'

We are a group of friends who meet up often. Half of that group have been mocking me with no thought for my feelings. How do I approach that? Am I just meant to ignore it?

I'm not sure why you're averse to strippers but ok with a strip club. What's the logic there?

Either you trust him or you don't. My DH has been to strip clubs on other people's stag dos, because he doesn't want to cause a fuss. However, we've discussed it and he hates going to them. He and a few of his friends are quite open about the fact that they spend money to go in, and an extortionate amount of money on drinks, only to spend the entire time outside smoking fags and trying to bat off the advances of the dancers. He knows if he had a private dance it would be game over for us, but fortunately he shares my views on how inappropriate it would be and also shares my views on the objectification of women. He also knows and fully agrees that to enter a strip club under any other circumstances would also be game over.

I know some here would take a more hard line view than me, but I'm ok with the occasional foray for a stag do because I trust him. Of course I wish it never came up, but I don't want to ask him to miss his friends stag dos.

If your DP doesn't want a stripper, his friends should accept his wishes, but some people are idiots. So if they do get a stripper, do you really trust your DP? These are things that need to be established before marriage.

And there will be no strippers at mine. DP has said he doesn't like the thought of it and I respect that. I wouldn't want one anyway, it'd just be awkward and embarrassing.

I'm agreeing with CaptainVasiliBorodin here. I think that the presence of a stripper on any stag do is more for the enjoyment of your Fiance's mates than for him and you would be hard pushed to find any half educated sensitive man who seriously watched a stripper and wanted it to go any further with her.

To be honest if I was with a man who found a stripper sexually attractive I would question my relationship with him (because I'd think he was an utter pillock with no taste) but I certainly wouldn't assert any control over what he could or couldn't do, married or not

Saying that you want to call the whole thing off is about your insecurity so its your issue, not his

We are a group of friends who meet up often. Half of that group have been mocking me with no thought for my feelings. How do I approach that? Am I just meant to ignore it?

What have you tried so far?

I had quite a heated argument about this before my stag do (hate that word), they were told in no uncertain terms no strippers, no lap dancers, no drugs, no stunts, anyone who didn't like it could fook off and their wedding invite would be retracted and friendship permanently terminated..

As it turned out nothing happened, we had some food and a few beers, I went home after 5 hrs to my wife to be and kids.. The others stopped out all night, had a scrap, and my brother attempted to drive home and wrote two parked cars off..

Hen and stag do's like this are a display of the worst kind of uncouth, unbridled imbecilic disrespectful behaviour imagined, and don't get me started on penis straws, blow up dolls and sashes.. No wonder 1 in 2 fail when people think this type of behaviour is acceptable...

They are obviously enjoying winding you up and seeing you get wound up so you really need to brush it off, "oh not this again - boring" and change the subject.

Do you think he will have sex with the stripper? Is that what you are worrying about? Or you just don't like the idea of it?

It is totally fine and understandable for you to feel jealous of a stripper, and like you said, everyone is different and that's ok.

I did want to say, not in an attempt to change your mind, more to try to make you feel better, please try not to let yourself feel jealous or threatened by strippers. They simply cannot even begin to compete with you. It's not even a race. Your husband loves you because, among other things presumably, you care about him, you want him to be happy, you know him. Strippers don't give a shit about any of these things. They are not one tiny bit interested in the men they perform for. Not in pleasing them, not in getting to know them, nothing, except in making money from them. A lot of the strippers I know have slightly warped views of men - they see the worst side of a lot of them, I guess. A stripper doesn't want to steal your husband. And your husband, if he's remotely a regular human being (which I'm sure he is) is not, ever, going to think that a stripper is preferable to you simply because she takes her clothes off in front of him.

Your husband sees 'perfect' female bodies all the time - on TV, in movies, in advertisements, in music. It's hard to see anything else, to be honest. Strippers bodies, in my experience, are actually less 'perfect' than a lot of what we're constantly surrounded by. But my point is that your husband is already aware of all these 'perfect' bodies. He still loves you. He still loves YOUR body. A stripper isn't, honestly isn't, going to change that.

Like I said, I'm not trying to talk you round. It just breaks my heart when women feel jealous of strippers, because it's really understandable but there is really, really no need. There are a lot of reasons to feel uncomfortable about the industry, but I really wish this wasn't one of them.

(I'm not a stripper, btw. Just been around them quite a lot).

Ok so the real issue is that your dh's friends take the piss out of you about it, so what you really need are some witty retorts to say back to them.

It's up to him to ensure his mates know that his stag do won't be including strippers and that if any turn up, he won't be interested so someone else will be doing 'the honours'.

Of course it's fine for people to have different values from each other in their relationship, the important thing is coming to a compromise.

I wouldn't want a stripper anywhere me or DH. Luckily on this subject he agrees.

The question of a strip club came up as he was put in a position of being asked to fund a clients jolly to one as corporate entertainment whist away on a business trip. All the men were married.

I am with CaptainVasiliBorodin, I also have been to lots of stag doo's (and through work lap dance clubs. Generally the "young/single/that-way-inclined" (delete as appropriate) do their thing and us "old/married/not-that-way-inclined" do our thing. I have even played pool in a room on my own at one lap club.

Also as above wrote; strip clubs etc are expensive, seedy, and in truth most blokes want to get out as soon as they can. They just want to say they have been there (boys badge of honour).

Again as above; most strippers/stag doo's just want to embarrass the stag (no fun for him AND certainly not sexual stimulating).

Lastly most places have a "no touch" rule, so this myth that the strippers are "up for extra's" is not true.

So OP the worse case scenario is, Stag goes to a strip club, is embarrassed and ridiculed in front of his mates. His mates spend more money than they would have wanted to. So they have to pretend it was great (when in truth they all know they have been fleeced). Everyone goes off elsewhere and gets drunk.

grumbleina your post made me cry a bit more!! I don't like my body at the moment. It's changed a lot, I'm still breastfeeding dc2 and don't feel in the slightest bit sexy. I'm proud of it for growing a strong healthy baby and being able to feed it for so long, but it's hard to feel sexy and my barriers are very high at the moment. He understands and is very complimentary about the way I look. He is a good man, I probably shouldn't feel as worried as I do. He would never cheat on me with a stripper, I just don't like the thought of him being aroused by one. I know he'll probably feel aroused by women sometimes in films or if he watches porn, but it's totally different when it's a real life person on top of him and not stuck behind a screen. I really struggle to see the difference between him being at home and having a random woman round dancing all naked and erotically for him free of charge, against going to a club and getting the same but paying for it. the first one would be seen as cheating from the majority of people and I can't see why paying for it makes it any better.

With regards to his friends. So far all I've done is mostly ignore it. I've said I'm not out to spoil all the fun for them, I'm simply requesting one thing for them not to do. I've tried my best not to give them a bite but it still carries on. Now I don't really want to be around them again but I can't see how that will work itself out when he is such close friends with a few of them and we're all in the same social circle.

If a stripper does come she will just do her thing and leave. She is not a prostitute. If they do organise one for your husband which they shouldn't as he has asked them not to, your husband will just end up sitting there a bit embarrassed.

I really wouldn't worry about it. If your husband ends up cheating on you it will not be due to getting a stripper on his stag do.

Paying for it certainly doesn't make it better OP.

If he doesn't want you to have a stripper then he shouldn't have one either. If his mates keep winding you up, either bat it off and go along with the "jokes" or tell them to shut the fuck up because it's causing you upset.

I'm struggling to relate to your position on this. If this is how you feel, he must feel attracted to, or aroused by, other women all of the time?

I can see that cool wives are out. Silly OP. Why is she bothered about tge strippers, eh?

It is not obligatory for a man about to get married to have a stripper at his do. It shows he's not respecting his future wife tbh.

RoseberryTopping,trust me (as I posted above) no man is stimulated by a stripper, while all his friends watch on, shouting and ridiculing him.

When it comes to stag dos, ritual humiliation at the hands of a stripper is the law.

Of course op can ask for the do to be cancelled if the strippers were there.

No it isn't. Maybe amongst your friends, but not all men use a stag do as an excuse to buy women. Believe it or not some men just want to do some sort of outdoor activity and then get pissed with their mates. I daresay there are men out there who aren't even that bothered about getting pissed.

Sorry that was aimed at CuriouSir