Stag do worries

[RoseberryTopping]

So DP and I have decided to get married this year. His friends are getting excited planning his stag do but have really latched on to the fact I've said absolutely no stippers. They think this is hilarious and are intent on teasing me about it at every opportunity.
I've got a feeling that they're going to book one anyway. Now I've found out that another stag do that DP is going to with the same people will definitely have strippers there just because they can't have any at DPs. It's stressibg me out so much that I just want to call the whole thing off. Im so nervous about DP going to this other stag do now. He totally respects how I feel but I understand that it'll be hard to escape the room when they're going to be in a lodge somewhere a bit rural. That's if he even would try to, obviously I wojldnt know either way.

I don't even know what im hoping to achieve from this thread, I just wanted to talk about it.

Well I've spoken with DP and feel a lot calmer now. He's reassured me that he would never want to upset me like that and it's just not worth it over a stripper. He's said himself he's diassapointed in a few of his friends and the way they talk and showed me some messages with what they'd been saying. One of them was on about making flyers to hand out to all the hot girls in town inviting them back to their lodge for a hot tub party!! He's meant to be in a committed relationship! Gross, as if any decent woman would want to go off and spend the night in a hot tub with a load of average looking strangers.

So any way, I feel a lot calmer about it all now, thank you for most of your advice, it's all been taken on board.

Vivacia: "Somebody on a similar thread reported how the stag had his hand inside the stripper. I'm not sure there's the same parity with male strippers, are you?"

I know of a few guys who have done stripping for hen nights and they have told me of how the women will rip they pants off, stick their hands down their pants, grab their tackle without asking, slap their arses, etc.
The guys see it as part of the job.

Roseberry I'm glad that you spoke to your husband and are feeling a bit better about it.

The question is, if your husband is disappointed in some of his friends' behaviour, to the extent that they are sending messages as pathetic as that - then why are they still invited? He could easily sit down with them and say

"Look, I don't think that we are at all on the same page for my stag do. I'm not prepared to risk a huge fallout with Rose just because you're desperate to pull some pathetic pranks. To be honest, I'm not sure if I can trust you not to put me in a difficult situation, so I would be more comfortable with you sitting this one out. If it was all a "big joke" then I'm afraid it's backfired on you rather spectacularly".

That's all he needs to do. One person. The person sending the messages about hot tubs or whatever other nonsense. It's not funny, and it's basically saying "I have no intentions to respect what you told us". He disinvites ONE person, and I guarantee everyone else will realise it isn't a joke and will straighten up.

I find it funny when some partners on here mention how their DP would refuse or walk away.
I have been on many stag dos and I have never seen a man "walk away".

DH has been on a stag do where exactly this happened. One of the group desperately wanted to go to a strip club, but none of the rest of them were in any way interested. They went to a casino instead.

No other stag do he's been on has involved any kind of stripper. DH would turn down an invitation to a stag do if he thought it involved a strip club (genuinely, he would find the whole think awful and uncomfortable so he wouldn't go).

The fact that you've never seen a man 'walk away' and don't believe it couldn't happen says more about the men you know, than anything else. Many men think the whole thing is sleazy and embarrassing, and would be very unhappy with supporting anything that might involve the trafficking and coercion of women for sex work (because, really, you can't know for sure that the women aren't and there's a pretty good chance that stripping wasn't something they got into because they actually wanted to do it).

I've never had to tell DH how much less I would think of him if he went to a strip club (and I would), because he would also think much less of himself. He's also a grown up who and would can say, 'I think I'd rather go home' and just do it. And his friends are the sort of people who wouldn't try to pressure him into doing stuff he doesn't want to.

Arsenal - you can tell the morality and integrity of a person by the company they keep, yours speaks volumes.
My husband left a job because he was expected to "entertain" prospective customers in strip clubs, do you think he would voluntarily enter one in social situations?
You are a muppet if you think all men revert to the lowest common denominator when out of sight of their partners, all it shows is the calibre of your social group.

I come from a northern ex mining town. Full of the men who would be prime candidates for a strip club.

We had one for a couple of years. Then the girls took themselves into the main pub/club street to advertise and then it closed down.

I presume because not enough men went in arse so your theory that men are never up for it falls short.

I think if you are the sort of person who thinks strip clubs are fun and you are surrounded by like minded mates, you find it difficult to comprehend that there are men out there who don't think the same.

Actually I would hazard a guess arse that you probably do think men like that exist, but they are few and far between and probably nerds/feminine type guys.

My dp comes from a really rough area, went to the worst school in our hometown. He has displayed this attitude a plenty. We've had so many discussions. His friends from school and their wives attended our house party over Christmas. They talked about strip clubs/sex/girls in nightclubs etc and it was the most boring party I've ever had the misfortune to be at.

And for once my dp saw it for himself.

Some people just mature and some just don't..................

Never not up for it

I've walked away from a proposed visit to a lapdancing club on a stag do and other blokes on that stag do walked away too (though admittedly not the majority). In that case there were quite a few of the guys that really wanted to go so 2 or 3 of us went to a different bar and the others caught us up.

sass - I probably am a (proud) nerd though . Not sure what a "feminine type" guy is but I don't really give a shit if people want to give me such a daft label.

Good for you 'RoseberryTopping*.

The secret to a great relationship is in having the trust in your partner to always have full and honest discussions. I'm glad you have that, it bodes well.

Bare in mind you could have saved yourself a lot of angst if you'd felt able to disclose before it built to such distressing levels for you. You'd also then would not have needed to have a bunch of MNers feeling the need to try to convince you you aren't entitled to set your own boundaries or doubting your future marriage!

pomp sorry didn't mean to offend. It's not my terminology. I used it because I know that is what those oh so masculine types think of men who aren't up for some ritual humiliation of a poor female soul who finds herself in the unfortunate position of having to humour some sad wanker.

And yes, I know everyone knows someone who loves her job, chooses to do this, but that doesn't deflact from the point that she is still an unfortunate soul having to humour some sad wanker- does it?

*deflect

Grrrr

To be honest pomp if any guy uses the term feminine to describe another guy, I just assume they mean educated/intelligent.

Whispers I don't know what's wrong with describing a person as feminine.

If it makes some posters comfortable to pigeon hole me then so be it.

Sasother than on stag dos, I have been to a strip club once and that was with work. I didnt like the idea of paying someone to get naked and I suspect a lot of men think that too.

One of the group desperately wanted to go to a strip club, but none of the rest of them were in any way interested. They went to a casino instead

Yes of course, and im the naive one. Like I have said, I have been on stag dos with different sort of friends and I have yet to meet a man that refused to go in.
Many, if not the majority, come up with stories for their partners and sorry but the casino is such a cliche.

OP "you can tell the morality and integrity of a person by the company they keep" your DP's friend is dangerous for your marriage. Strippers are sort of expected on a stag do, but trying to invite random women for a hot tub party is something else.
Makes you think why he would think it was okay for him to say to your DP. At least your DP is showing you his messages.

Vivacia my guess is most women wouldn't like to be described as masculine.

Honestly, I'm not naive. I actually know my DH (he wouldn't be able to successfully lie to save himself even if he wanted to!) and he really is not interested in watching a woman gyrating around while concealing the utter contempt she feels for the idiots paying to watch her.

DH really was relieved that his friends didn't want to go, so they went to the casino because it opens late and isn't a nightclub (he doesn't like clubbing either). He'd been anxious about what he would do if people wanted to go to a strip club beforehand and was relieved that the majority didn't. They all thought the one guy who was up for it was a bit sad really.

Strippers aren't necssarily expected on a stag do. It's just a cliche. The majority of our male friends have had meals, pub and home before midnight type dos. Not everyone wants to live the stereotype!

Viv

In my mind calling a man feminine is the equivalent of saying you throw like a girl. It's meant to be an insult, and as far as I'm concerned there is nothing wrong with being like a girl. Girls are ace.

But deeper than that- assigning the word feminine and masculine to attributes is man made isn't it? It's a socialisation. Whereas in reality they are just human traits (caring vs aggressive) or human roles (nurse vs doctor)

Woman can have any selection of the human traits and do any of the human roles (with little exceptions). So therefore masculine and feminine are rather meaningless as not only are they fluid across societies and countries they are also fluid across generations.

hope that made sense.

arse you miss the point.

Being able to do everything typically associated with men does not make you masculine this is a made up term that is assigned to different traits according to the society you live in and the era.

Being able to do these roles/jobs or displaying certain emotions, makes you human.

I was worried about dh on his stag night and as expected he did get taken to a strip club. I was no longer upset after seeing the photos... I was embarrassed for dh. He was dressed in womens underwear (thanks to his best-man) and was on a stage being whipped by strippers. He was mortified. And these women didn't look any different to you or I, they just had less clothes on...

Dh has never been to a strip club since. Not that he wouldn't but the situation hasn't arisen where he would go to one. But it really is just one occasion and I never even think about it now and it didn't effect the wedding. Try not to worry.

Enjoy your big day.

My DH and some friends (not all married) once left a strip club and ended up in a karaoke bar. He fucking hates karaoke, but it was the preferable option for him.

Not all men are comfortable in a strip club environment and they don't lose their personality at the door. I know my DH well enough to know how uncomfortable he would be. As he said to me once, he doesn't get accosted by women all the time, so the fact that he would go to a place like that and suddenly women behave like he's the hottest guy around (he is to me) makes it patently clear how false and degrading it all is, to the women and the clientele.

I agree that "human characteristic" is preferable, but feminine and masculine are here, and not necc bad. I guess they can be used to offend, but could also be useful.

If strip clubs are a red line for some people then make it clear.

My partner has no problem with it. Private dance included. In your case OP as long as your partner knows what is acceptable then he you should trust him. Everyone has different levels of acceptability.

He did actually message back warning him he should be careful with the way he talks, how would his girlfriend feel if she saw his messages? The stupid man thinks he would have far less to lose than DP if I saw the messages, more fool him. Neither of us like him but he is friends with everyone else in the group unfortunately, he's not going to DPs stag do thankfully.

"have a naked woman rub herself up on him for money"

OK, I'm a man, have not been to any lapdance clubs, and the strippers I've seen were at a pub where a bunch of staff where I worked used to have a Friday drink, 25++ years ago. (That bunch of staff being equally split, male and female).

No 'rub against' anyone when naked, all stripping was on a stage and given crowd of working guys gathering near stage, having a bite to eat and a lunchtime drink, we could just see her from the chest up, if we were lucky, and to be frank, we were more likely to be chatting about holidays or whatever.

Maybe some of the stag parties (esp in Europe) go a lot further. I'm not dismissing just curious. Can understand your view, OP, and think it is down to your partner to tell his childish mates that if they taunt and carry on about a stripper then he'll simply not bother.

They know they are winding you up, he's not amused, and whatever they think, it's you he loves, and he can happily live without them in future, if they want it that way.

I think it would show them he has morals, and a backbone, and they're insignificant compared with his love for you. If you think he would do it, show him the thread. It's clearly giving you a lot of heartache and concern, and he's not responsible, but his male friends, but there's being part of the crowd and there's being able to "break the mould".

I'd hope they grew up, took more notice of other people's views and adjusted their behaviour accordingly, but somehow I doubt it... so many men, in their 20s, 30s, 40s and more, can still show tremendous immaturity.

I'm confused about my masculinity now.....I play rugby, lift big weights down the gym, know my way under the bonnet of the car yet last Sunday I made some blueberry jam.......help!