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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stag do worries

139 replies

RoseberryTopping · 13/01/2015 12:37

So DP and I have decided to get married this year. His friends are getting excited planning his stag do but have really latched on to the fact I've said absolutely no stippers. They think this is hilarious and are intent on teasing me about it at every opportunity.
I've got a feeling that they're going to book one anyway. Now I've found out that another stag do that DP is going to with the same people will definitely have strippers there just because they can't have any at DPs. It's stressibg me out so much that I just want to call the whole thing off. Im so nervous about DP going to this other stag do now. He totally respects how I feel but I understand that it'll be hard to escape the room when they're going to be in a lodge somewhere a bit rural. That's if he even would try to, obviously I wojldnt know either way.

I don't even know what im hoping to achieve from this thread, I just wanted to talk about it.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 13/01/2015 18:32

I think that with those issues before the wedding there isn't that much hope for a successful relationship

I couldn't disagree more.

Relationships develop. We don't know what our partners views are on everything. We spend a lifetime getting to know each other and growing together.

I honestly don't see what the problem is with having differences, my DH and I are chalk and cheese in so many respects, but have so much in common with others.

We don't love our partners because they are a carbon copy of us, that'd be way to creepy!

HootyMcTooty · 13/01/2015 18:32

I recall having a heated discussion with someone I know once about the issue of stripping. He thought it was ridiculous that I would consider a private dance as cheating. I pointed out that if I went back to a man's house, took all my clothes off and danced provocatively with the sole aim of getting said man aroused, I'm pretty sure any partner of mine would consider that cheating. The fact that money is involved doesn't change that for me.

Added to which I wouldn't want to be with a man who treated a woman's body as a commodity.

FolkGirl · 13/01/2015 18:34

I'd end a relationship over a stripper/private dance/whatever. My exh was invited to a lap dancing club with a very good friend years ago and didn't speak to him again for about 5 years he was so disgusted.

Didn't stop him from having an affair mind...

Not everyone will agree, but I would end a relationship over it.

kaykayred · 13/01/2015 18:35

They'd probably still consider it cheating even if you took money for it....

HootyMcTooty · 13/01/2015 18:35

Good post KayKayRed - everything I think, but far more eloquently put!

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 13/01/2015 18:35

I'm not surprised they are booking them after you've told grown adults what they can and can't do.

I agree with Viviennemary, you need to find somebody that shares your views exactly on this subject.

Strippers have always be around for stag and hen do's, bit of fun and the stripper earns a living or extra cash.

HelenaDove · 13/01/2015 18:45

Excellent post Kaykay

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 13/01/2015 18:49

I think the fact you have told grown men what they can and can't do on a stag do is what has made them determined to have strippers.

What does on at a stag do should stay on a stag do.

HootyMcTooty · 13/01/2015 18:51

What does on at a stag do should stay on a stag do

Seriously? You don't think the boundaries of a marriage count when on a stag do? I missed that bit of my marriage vows! Confused

Postchildrenpregranny · 13/01/2015 18:52

How old is your DP?He and his mates sound pretty juvenile to me
I find the whole idea of stag/hen 'do's totally incomprehensible, especially as it appears to be the case you are already living together and have two children ? It's not exactly celebrating a' last night of freedom' is it ?.
For what its worth,we had an drinks at our reception hotel the night before with several couples who had travelled long distances for our wedding, were staying there and whom we knew we wouldn't get much of a chance to talk to at the wedding. Husband to be dropped me off at my parents house with a chaste good night kiss and drove off to spend the night with(my) friends who were hosting him .

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/01/2015 18:58

The handmaidens are just queuing up today...

As for What does on at a stag do should stay on a stag do you did read the bit about breastfeeding his child, right?

kaykayred · 13/01/2015 19:14

Snowwhite - I assume you think then, that the OP should just keep her pretty mouth shut and not dare to voice any of her opinions at the expense of earning her partner's displeasure?

You do realise it's the 21st century.....right?

As this man's partner she is fully entitled to set out her boundaries of what behaviour she will and won't accept. He isn't somehow legally bound to obey, or physically chained from going against what she has said.

It's for him to make an informed decision about. Is the happiness of his future wife and the mother of his children more or less important than spending one evening with semi naked strangers for "a bit of a laugh".

It's called communicating with your partner, and it's generally encouraged.

You know. For us people in the 21st century.

arsenaltilidie · 13/01/2015 21:55

I find it funny when some partners on here mention how their DP would refuse or walk away.
I have been on many stag dos and I have never seen a man "walk away".
At the end of the night it's "this never happened"
"we went to the pub and got drunk"
"no strippers were invited at the race track"

FWIW having been on the receiving end, it's difficult to get turned on when you are drunk with 10-15 of your friends and colleagues looking at you.

If he has given you no reason to think he cheats, then he will not cheat.

MadeMan · 13/01/2015 22:05

Stag nights are the same as hen nights, aren't they?

kaykayred · 13/01/2015 22:09

arsenal - there is "cheating" as in kissing someone or sleeping with them or whatnot. Some women would consider paying a woman to get naked and rub herself over you is also cheating.

Different people have different boundaries. It would take a pretty shitty person to say "I didn't cheat on you" because they didn't consider kissing someone else as cheating, when they knew full well that their partner would disagree.

If someone is prepared to start married life with a lie, then they aren't worth marrying.

As others have mentioned, for some people it isn't about "cheating" but about respect. Would you be okay with the same situation, different men you didn't know, with the stripper being your sister? Your wife? Your daughter?

Sallystyle · 13/01/2015 22:19

Well, imo, if he has a lap dance that is cheating. To me there is no difference between having a stripper grin on you and a random stranger doing it in a club.

I think strip clubs are seedy and it would have put me off my husband if he was the type to visit them or think they are fun.

HootyMcTooty · 13/01/2015 22:21

Arsenaltilidie - so you're representative of all men folk then?

Sallystyle · 13/01/2015 22:27

Oh and if my dh did go to a club it wouldn't be cheating I would be worried about it.

Thankfully he has never been in one, but if he did our marriage would be over. He agrees with me, but if he didn't then he gets to choose if he wants to go to a club and risk our marriage or not. He would not be the person I think he is if he disrespected women in that manner

I have very clear boundaries in my marriage and this is one of them. You do not pay to watch other women get naked.

arsenaltilidie · 13/01/2015 22:32

Wouldn't be happy either with DW, DS etc wanting to be a cleaner or a binwoman.

At the end of the day there is nothing the OP can do other than trust her DF.

I have been the best man and TBH I took a complete disregard to what the bride said. If anything he wanted the strippers to be there whilst claiming to DF "they are making me do it."
But certainly my best friend didn't cheat on that night and to the best of my knowledge he has never cheated.

HootyMcTooty · 13/01/2015 22:36

He has started his marriage by lying to his wife. Those are some very shaky foundations for a mutually respectful marriage. I wonder how your friend would feel if his wife lied to him every time she decided to do something he wouldn't want her to do.

Lolipoplady · 13/01/2015 23:57

Oh OP I do empathise. It's a horrible situation to be in. My DP is going on one of his old school friends' stag do to Dublin next month, and I can't help but feel a bit apprehensive about what might happen. a trip to a strip club just seems to be the "done thing" amongst certain groups of men these days - and not even just for stag dos but just generally on celebratory nights out Hmm

My DP had a lap dance on a colleague's birthday night out right at the beginning of our relationship - I only found out two years after the fact and was quite devastated tbh. I think it's quite possible that if I'd know about it at the time I'd have ended our fledgling relationship. So I KNOW that he doesn't find it as abhorrent as I do, and although he said he was pressured into it, he didn't actually stand up for himself and refuse. So who knows what would happen in that situation again... I can only hope that he would choose to be respectful of me and my wishes.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling the way you do and you're not the only one who's been made to feel shit because of this bloody "harmless" phenomenon. Flowers

Flimflammer · 14/01/2015 00:43

Yuck yuck yuck and goodbye to any man who doesn't have the wits to get out of every stag do invitation.

sassandfaff · 14/01/2015 06:42

Wow arse you'd risk someone's relationship just because you want to see tits and ass?

CaptainVasiliBorodin · 14/01/2015 08:20

"I find it funny when some partners on here mention how their DP would refuse or walk away.
I have been on many stag dos and I have never seen a man "walk away".

I been on plenty stag bashes too and seen plenty of men walk away, including myself. As mentioned up thread it has been my observations that when talk of going to a strip club starts doing the rounds most of the married/attached blokes have formed their own splinter group and remained in the bar and nursed an extra few beers leaving everyone else to go on to said club. Even when I was single I loathed strip clubs, ignoring the wider issues (exploitation/trafficking etc) I just find them phenomenally dull, expensive shitholes full of sad twats. Never understood how some blokes can get 'turned on' by handing over money to someone to pretend to be interested in them.

"Yuck yuck yuck and goodbye to any man who doesn't have the wits to get out of every stag do invitation."

Well thats just a moronic thing to say now isnt it. Last stag bash I went on involved a Saturday afternoon paintballing and go karting before going to the pub and ending up in a curry house. I think the one before that was a golfing weekend, not a stripper in sight, plenty of beer yes, but no strippers or clubs. Not sure if you have a DP but would you expect your partner to bail out on those two illustrated weekends if he was invited.....or do you just not trust him generally?

teapuddles · 14/01/2015 08:22

Men like arse are pathetic. Why do they feel the need to come on this forum? Obviously they want to educate women as to how real men think.

All we learn is what arse thinks, that being a cleaner is not respectable, idiot.